opposites

Do you know how to freak out a child that is on the attachment spectrum (okay, I don't know if "attachment spectrum" is a technical term but it sounds good so I am using it)? 

Do not do whatever they expect you to do.  Seriously.  They spend a lot of time and energy setting up the reactions around them.  They control things.  They will make the results what they want at any cost.  They are convinced that they can control their world.  And that nobody can care for them as well as they can care for themselves.  When they don't control their world, they get scared.

When I picked Ladybug up from school yesterday, I got her daily behavior contract.  On the face of it, it was a good contract.  Only 1 "X" out of 9.  That is good.  But she knew that one X was a problem.  Not because it was an X, but for the reason she earned it.  She got mad a classmate and picked up a few coins and tossed them at the girl.  Safety issue.

So when I picked her up she played games.  She hid in the bathroom.  She hid behind the door.  She was setting me up.  She wanted me angry before we even began discussing the school day so that she knew how the discussion was going to go.

But I didn't get angry.  I let her hide.  And talked with the counselors at the after school program.  Eventually she had to come out and meet me. 

And now she was apprehensive.

I asked her how her day was (already knowing, of course).  She tried to downplay it.  I didn't let her.  I equated this incident to a similar incident.  I asked her to tell me what the punishment was that time.  She told me. I asked if she had learned her lesson and would not throw things at people again (HA!)?  She said yes.

We walked to the car.  Quietly.  Her stealing glances at me -- waiting for me to explode.

She buckled into the card and then looked at me and said, "Mom, just tell me if you are going to ground me."

Then she started crying.  We talked -- calmly -- all the way home.  Well, I was calm.  By the time we got home -- 2 minutes later -- she was sobbing uncontrollably.

I parked the car and asked her why she was crying.  She said she didn't know.  I told her that I did.  She wanted to know what I believed.  So I told her.

She was scared.  Not sad.  Not upset.  Scared. 

She wanted to know what she was scared of.

She was scared because I did not react the way she expected.  The way she set me up to react.  And if I didn't do what she expected that meant that she didn't know how I was going to react.  And the unknown is scaring her.  Because she didn't know what was coming next.

She sobbed louder and nodded.

So I told her that homework was next.

She watched me all night waiting for me to react.  I didn't.

Mean Mama