Walls closing in

Now that things are going well for Ladybug I should be feeling pretty good.  The only real problems she seems to be having is that she sings her entire way through the school day.  I understand the teacher's point of view but... she is singing, not beating the crap out of a classmate.  And the counselors love her at the after school program.  Life is good.

So why do I increasingly feel the need for a really strong anxiety medication?

I don't want to be here.  Literally and figuratively.  I know depression follows anxiety.  And I worry that this feeling is big.  I don't want to be depressed.  I don't have the support and resources here to pull myself out.  And I don't want to be here.  I want to be closer to my friends and family.  I want to be where I can pop into a friends house and just hang.  I want Ladybug to be closer to my family.

I know it may seem like I have not been doing a lot of job hunting.  But I have.  I look.  I have so many bookmarks on my computer to look through every day.  And I do.  The problem is that there is nothing out there that I am qualified for.  And the ones I have applied for just don't pay enough for me to live on.  And then I start thinking that I did this to myself.  If I had gone to grad school, either right after college or when I went to paralegal school, then I would have so many more job possibilities with better pay.  So then I start thinking that maybe I should go to grad school.  I have found 1 online program.  But a social work master's degree will require an internship.  I can not do an internship, work full time, and be a single mom living away from my biggest support systems.

And I may be forced into a move whether I like it or not.  My apartment complex was sold and it is under new management.  I get the distinct impression that the new owners want to do the same with this complex that they have done with the others they own.  Buy, upgrade, and raise the rent.  So I think they want to encourage people to move out so they can renovate.  I got a note the other week saying I needed to renew my lease.  And that they wanted to bring the price up to the current market value.  To them this means raising the rent by $100 per month.  And if I don't want a lease (which I currently don't have so that I have the flexibility to move if given the opportunity) then it would another $100 per month.  So I would have to sign a lease -- locking me into staying here for another year.  Or pay more -- and I am already at the top of my budget.

Oh and while I had the landlord on the phone today I asked if they could come in address the bug (read as cockroach) issue.  My mom, sister, and niece are coming for Thanksgiving and I don't want them crawling around.  Plus my mom will bring her dog so I want the issue taken care of prior to the visit.  Good news is that they said they would come in tomorrow.  Hours later (like 8 or 9 hours) it occurred to me -- now I need to clean before going to bed.  Why would I invite them in on such short notice?

Job.  Money.  Support.  Education.  Living arrangements.  Just thinking about it makes my heart race.

Mean Mama