struggling

I didn't mean to just drop the bomb shell about my mom and then leave the topic.  It has been hard on me.  I am struggling with supporting her.  I haven't read the book she gave me.  I haven't visited the convent yet.  And until last night, I hadn't even talked to her since the visit.  Not on purpose.

We had a long talk last night.  She is visiting my grandmother who is at my aunt's house.  She told them.  And now I am in the position of defending her choices and not wanting to support them myself.

My mom has a history of not being supported by her family.  They do it with all the love and good intentioned but they are still not supportive.  When she announced that she was going back to school to get a nursing degree, they got mad at her and told her she was being selfish.  They told her she should be concentrating on her children and not herself.  Keep in mind that when she decided to go to nursing school both my sister and I had already graduated from college.  We were supporting ourselves and living on our own.  When she announced that she was moving back to her home state (where her mother lives and one state over from my aunt) they told her it was the wrong decision for her.

So she told them she wants to be a nun and they walked out of the room crying.  In the middle of the conversation.  I mean, I get it.  It was upsetting to me too.  Still is.  But it is not like she was announcing she has decided to make meth and sell it for a living.  They told her she was being selfish and only thinking of herself.  They said this decision has an impact on them and they have a right to have a say in her decision.

I get it.  Nobody is going to be impacted by this decision more than me and Ladybug.  She is their daughter and sister.  But she is my mother.  She is Ladybug's grandmother.  She is going to sell her house and move to a convent.  The image... or fantasy... I had of my family is about to change.  There will be no more weekends at grandma's house.  There will be no more family holidays.  There will be no free access to her.  For me.  For my daughter. I don't want her to be a nun.

But it is not my decision.

And it is not theirs.

I want to process this.  I want to understand how this impacts her life.  My life.  My daughter's life.  I want to mourn the death of my fantasy.  I want... so much.  But what I don't want is to be put in the position to defend her to her family.  I don't want to support the decision before I am ready.  I don't want to remind them that no matter how much we love people, we can not make life decisions for people.  I don't want to take a side.  And I don't want to betray my mother by siding with them.

Still need to find that therapist.

Mean Mama