10 things adopted kids may want you to know

#1 – Don't lie -- don't feed their fantasies, don't create answers for your child that you don't have.  Be honest...to the extent that it is age appropriate.  It will strengthen your relationship with them.

#2 – A child that has already loved and lost wants to know it won't happen again.  They want to feel secure.  Don't make promises you can't keep but let them know that they have a community and family that will always be there for them.

#3 – They will not "get over it."  It will be revisited.  Over and over.  As they travel through the different developmental stages and new stages of life.  Let them express their new position with their old grief and knowledge about their adoption.  Get comfortable with it -- you will experience it a lot in their lives.

#4 – A child who was adopted will not always be sad.  They are kids.  They want to smile and laugh and play.  They want to be normal.  Let them experience normalcy when they want it. 

#5 – A child will always miss their first parent.  It is not the "I miss my best friend" type of thing.  It is a question.  It is the unknown.  It is wondering what might have been and trying to understand what might be different if given different circumstances.  It can not be resolved.  They may not be willing to trade what they have to get what they lost but they will still miss.

#6 – Let them talk.  Let them have mementos.  Let them have photos.  They want to remember... maybe not everyday, but they don't want to forget forever.

#7 – Don't assume that all children who are adopted will follow the same path.  This looks different for each person.   Let them experience their emotions as they come, do not attempt to compartmentalize them.

#8 – A child who is adopted will have many emotions, including ones that may not make sense to you.  They don't want you to "understand."  That trivializes their feelings.  They want you hold their hand and walk through the emotion with them and know they are loved.

#9 – Recognize behaviors for what they are, a cry for help, attention, acknowledgement. Sometimes they will act out.  Sometimes they will hurt you.  Know that their behaviors may not define how they are feeling.

#10 – When you don't know what is going on with a child who was adopted, ask.  Be there.  Be present.  Listen.  You will learn from them and they will feel more secure with you.


Mean Mama