The sweetest moment in the day

When Ladybug first came home I made a deliberate decision to co-sleep. I thought it would be helpful with the bonding process. Besides, I have a queen size bed. One adult and one child that was 21 pounds should be able to fit on one bed. After a week of sleeping with her I was exhausted. She was a very active sleeper. She spun, kicked, rotated. She flung her arms and legs. I was bruised an battered. I was a deep sleeper -- before Ladybug. I bruise easily. Every few minutes I was woken up by being beaten.

I decided I needed to transition her to her own bed. It didn't work. Ladybug had made a deliberate decision to co-sleep. If I put her in her bed, she cried. If I waited until she was asleep she woke up. If, by some miracle, she didn't wake up right away she would come into my room later. We struggled for about 18 months about this. Eventually I realized (yes I am a slower learner) that she was not going to stay in her bed at night. I would send her back to her room and she would come back to mine. I was waking up about a dozen times a night to put her back to bed.

I needed a new approach. I decided to move her bed into my room. I crossed my fingers and hoped if she was in my room she would stay in her own bed. And it worked. She was still an active sleeper. She still kicked and hit (but it was the wall instead of me). She still had nightmares and cried out in her sleep (but I could sooth her from my own bed and I didn't need to get up in the middle of the night. Many times.

When we moved in with my mom we had to share a room because it was a 2 bedroom place. It worked for us. Easy transition. When we moved into our current place we separated bedrooms. She has one, I have the other. By this time she was ready to have her own room. And it has worked beautifully. She sleeps in her room and I sleep in mine.

The problem is...I miss her. Kind of ironic, I know. I miss her needing me. I miss her coming to me. I want her to grow up. I want her to gain independence. But I also want her to want me too. I want her to need me. I just can't be pleased.

But she is having issues lately. She is crawling into my bed in the middle of the night. Luckily she is not nearly as violent in her sleep as she use to be.

I want her to get past whatever she is experiencing. But, in the meantime, I get to experience the sweetest moment every morning. As she starts to wake up she reaches out for me. She touches my face. Or takes my hand. Or pulls my arm around her. And this is what is waking me up every morning. I am not a morning person so it takes a while for me to fully wake up. But she caresses me awake and I get to experience the gentle, quiet, sweet part of my child every morning. I get to experience her unabashed love before she starts thinking. I love it. I love her. I love waking up that way. So while she needs me I am enjoying it.

Mean Mama