When I became a mom

I recently had to turn in my annual report for Ladybug. Because it is an international adoption, I am required to do a quick update every year until she is 18. When I was doing the research for my adoption I thought this was a ridiculous requirement. I thought once she is mine, she is mine. Why do I need to report back every year? But now that Ladybug has been home for 4 years I like doing my annual report. I understand that the country wants to know that the children they have released are healthy and happy. As part of the annual report I submit photos. I think this year I did about 12 photos -- over kill. But it means that I looked through tons of photos. And I ran across a photo that represents the moment I became a mom.

I remember through my process of adoption I thought at each step, "I have become a mom." And then the next step would let me know that I was a mom at that moment. When I turned in my application I was sure that meant I was a mom. A mom with no child yet. But a mom. And then when I had my first home study I realized that the application was nothing and this was the moment I became a mom. It continued that way. When I got my USCIS approval I knew the the home study was just a step in the process and that this was my first mommy moment. But soon after I turned in my entire dossier to my agency and I was sure that this made a mom.

And then came the referral phone call. I was so relieved. I had waited years since my decision to become a mom and this was truly my mommy moment. Court was anti-climatic but it made it official. She was mine. I was listed as mother on someone's birth certificate. I was a mom. But still childless since it would be another 5 weeks before I would even meet my little girl. And then there was the first meeting of my child.

But it was a completely different and unexpected moment that I really became a mom. I arrived in Ethiopia on a Monday and met Ladybug briefly on that day. On Tuesday I got to spend the day with her. She tried to run away from me (this is her favorite story for me to repeat when she is being silly). I fed her. Changed her. Played with her. She did not crack a smile once. I spent all day on Wednesday with her. She loosened up but still wasn't sure. On Thursday was embassy day. And I saw her first smile. She wasn't smiling at me but she still smiled. She was playing at the embassy with some other kids and she smiled. Each night I would return her to the orphanage.

On Friday I went to the orphanage to pick her up and she seemed different. She wouldn't come to me. She was stiff in my arms. We were taking a step backwards. And then she needed her diaper changed so I put her down to change it and she freaked out. She screamed. She kicked. She thrashed. I worked with it but eventually got her into her diaper. And when I was done changing it she continued. She screamed. She cried. I held her and she would wrench her body away from mine and push away from me. I put her down and she would scream louder and keep her hand on me. I couldn't hold her because she didn't want to be near me. But I couldn't put her down because she didn't want to be away from me. She screamed and cried and pushed and hit and thrashed for just over 45 minutes. I was clear that she was mad but I didn't know what to do for her.

After 45 minutes she crawled up on my lap, put her head down on my breasts, and fell asleep. It was about that time that the nanny came in and told me it was her lunch time and she needed to eat. I told her to go away. She slept for about 1 hour on me. When she woke up she was sad. There was this look on her face of just pure sadness. She was quiet. And thoughtful. And I picked up my camera and snapped a photo. That photo is the moment I became a mom. I became a mom in that moment because she decided that I was mom. She was teaching me a lesson. Between the age difference and the language difference and culture difference she was clearly telling me that I was mom and it was time for me to act like it.

So I will break my rule and post this photo here. This is the moment that I became a mom.



Mean Mama