When I was trying to get pregnant -- many moons ago -- and wasn't each month people would say "This is happening for a reason." I hate that phrase. It is not that I wanted to be pregnant. Actually I never wanted to be pregnant. The thought of giving birth just seems wrong to me in so many way. It is that I wanted to be a mom and at the time artificial insemination was an easier and cheaper way of getting there. Adoption was always my top choice but it didn't seem possible.
At the end of 2003 (after I had stopped trying to get pregnant some time before that) I decided that I would try one more time. But this time I was giving myself a very narrow window in order to get pregnant. One month. I was in paralegal school at the time. I was planning on graduating in December 2004 and then moving. I wanted to be able to give birth right around graduation so that I could use my moving time as my maternity leave. I didn't want to be job hunting while obviously pregnant.
So I tried to get pregnant one more time. But did not succeed. One of my good friends had given birth in January 2004. Another was due in August 2004. I was not going to be giving birth in December 2004. I got over it. For the most part.
On my last day of school in December 2004 I thought about it. First, a lot of my classmates were pregnant so it was in my face a lot. Second, I was about to be making changes in my life and I thought about the one change I was not making. Third, it was one of my biological brothers' birthday and it made me think about the fact that it was not my child's birthday - the child I didn't have.
As we all know, 18 months later I received a call. A middle of the night call that told me that I was finally a mom. I learned 2 things in that phone call (they had limited information during that first phone call). The first was that she was a girl -- no surprise there. The second was her birthday. December 9, 2004. The last day of my classes, my biological brother's birthday.
It is all in the timing.
Mean Mama
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