Four

Yesterday was a big day. And I let it pass without acknowledging it. I would say that I just plain forgot (which is true) but that doesn't make me look any better.

Four years ago...

I was a bundle of nerves. I was clueless. I had spent 17 hours on a plane. I hate flying. I don't understand how a huge hunk of metal stays in the sky. I am not a scientist. I hate flying. But I barely noticed. I sat in a cramped plane. I tried to sleep. But it was useless.

I waited for the plane to land. In a foreign country. I have been in a foreign country before. I went to Tiajuana with my grandparents -- just for a day. I have been to Canada -- east and west coast. I landed in Mexico a few times on a cruise. But that is it. This time I was in a real foreign country.

I flew to Rome. Rome! Culture. Food. Romance. I have dreamed of going to Italy for years. I studied Spanish but I wanted to go to Italy. But I did not even get off the plane. Because Rome was not my final destination. So the plane took off again after refueling.

The second time we landed I landed in Ethiopia. Ethiopia! There is nothing I could say that could accurately let you know how I felt. However, I can say that I felt like everything in my life had lead me to this place.

I made it through customs. I got my visa. Amazingly, all my luggage made it to Ethiopia with me -- I have bad travel karma. Eventually I walked into the airport lobby and some guy walked up to me. Holding my picture. Okay, I should have been prepared for that but it was till a little freaky. He was my lawyer. He led me, my mom (yes, my mama came with me), and the other couple who had traveled with me to the airport parking lot and a van. An old, 70's VW type van. My parents had one when I was young. We loaded the luggage in the van. We loaded ourselves in the van.

And then nothing. The van had died. I told you I have bad travel karma. The lawyer and the driver worked for about an hour. We were approached by beggars, taxi drivers, and armed guards. And then the van roared to life. We jumped in as quickly as possible and we were off.

We drove through town. I have never seen live goats ride through a large city standing on top of a van. But I did that day. I had never been more scared of the driving. And that is saying a lot since I hate getting in a car that my father is driving. We finally arrive at a gated compound. I have no idea how we got there. And I have a good sense of direction. We unpack the van into our rooms.

I am sharing a suite with my mom. Twin beds with mattresses that are no thicker than a slice of bread. A window in each room. And by a window I literally mean a hole in the wall. No glass. No screen. And a bathroom. Fairly western.

The lawyer comes back and tells us to settle in. Lunch will be available soon. And I will be able to meet my daughter (yes, my daughter!) the following day.

The following day? Why. I flew 17 hours. I wanted to meet her now. But I am not going to upset the plan. So I swallow and accept the news. Then the lawyer went to inform the other couple. Luckily she cried. Luckily the lawyer had no stomach for a crying woman. So he made a call and the orphanage agreed to allow us to visit for 1/2 hour that evening.

We drove there a little later. We honked at the gate. They opened. We drove through. We were shuffled into the office. And I waited. Oh my!! Is this really going to happen? Is this possible? What idiot is going to hand a child to me? And then the other "mom-to-be" whispers -- here she comes. I turn around. I look. And a very tiny Ethiopian woman is walking toward the office holding a very tiny Ethiopian girl. She is decked out in a pink jumpsuit. And she looks scared.

She is passed into my arms. She is tiny. She is nearly 21 pounds. She will be 21 pounds by the time she has her first doctor's appointment in one week. She is 28 inches tall. And she wants NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. She looks like a caged animal. If I could read her thoughts -- which aren't even in the same language as my thoughts -- I am pretty sure she would be thinking "I don't know whose idea this was, but I am having none of it."

Four years ago my life changed with that single moment. I had no clue how much. And if I knew everything I know today, I would do it again in a heart beat.

Mean Mama