Processing

In February of 2004 my family took a cruise. By "my family" I mean, my parents, my grandparents, my siblings, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. It was my first. And so far my only. I loved it. Despite getting a severe inner ear infection that made me black out any time I turned my head -- for months.

But there was a shadow over the cruise. At some point my grandmother asked me for my ring size. I didn't know it. So I told her I didn't know it. But she persisted. I needed to tell her. I repeated again that I didn't know it. I mean -- I am single. I buy a ring -- if it fits. I never bothered to ask my size. I never had to tell that someone special the size of my finger. I didn't know. I compared hands with sisters and cousins. It is hard to do that and come out with an accurate size. Finally I asked why she needed.

She wouldn't tell me. I told her I couldn't help her. Finally she explained that she wanted to have rings made for all the grandkids. She wanted it to be a surprise but I made that impossible. I tried to apologize but I could not tell her information that I did not have.

Somehow that tense conversation stayed with us both through the whole cruise despite the fact that in general we had a good relationship.

About 6 weeks after the cruise I was at work when my phone rang. It was actually my last day of work. I had decided to quit work so I could go back to school time. I had been going part time but it was taking too long. I worked on a crisis line. Most of the time I was in the office handling calls and clients. But sometimes I needed to run errands (for work) outside of the office so I transferred the phones to my cell phone and went mobile. I was mobile when the phone rang. I was sitting at a red light.

I answered my phone as if I were answering a crisis line without looking at the caller ID. So I was surprised when I heard my father on the other end. He cracked a few jokes but I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He never called during the day. Never! And then he told me that my grandmother had died that morning.

I don't know why it was such a shock. She was the sickest alive person I know. I mean, she had some serious health problems. She had lupus and a major heart problem. She had almost died in her 40's. She always said she was living on borrowed time. The fact that she made it to 76 was a miracle. But since she was always sick, I just assumed she was just always going to be sick. Not dead.

So the last time I had seen her was on that cruise. And it wasn't good. And now I needed to process her death knowing that there were unresolved things between us. I spent months when I would just break out crying. And even now it causes me pain and brings tears to my eyes.

I write this all because it is connected to what is about to happen in my life and I am not sure how to handle it. And I am not able to articulate it all yet. There is too much information and not enough organization rattling in my brain. One step at a time.

Mean Mama