A goodbye

Today my grandfather died.  I am sad.

I was lucky.  I am 44 and I still have one living grandparent now.  That is pretty amazing. 

It has been 9 years since my grandmother died (his wife) so I know he is happy to be gone and with her.  I know he had no memory left.  I know it was time for him to go.

But I am sad.

Mean Mama

struggling

I didn't mean to just drop the bomb shell about my mom and then leave the topic.  It has been hard on me.  I am struggling with supporting her.  I haven't read the book she gave me.  I haven't visited the convent yet.  And until last night, I hadn't even talked to her since the visit.  Not on purpose.

We had a long talk last night.  She is visiting my grandmother who is at my aunt's house.  She told them.  And now I am in the position of defending her choices and not wanting to support them myself.

My mom has a history of not being supported by her family.  They do it with all the love and good intentioned but they are still not supportive.  When she announced that she was going back to school to get a nursing degree, they got mad at her and told her she was being selfish.  They told her she should be concentrating on her children and not herself.  Keep in mind that when she decided to go to nursing school both my sister and I had already graduated from college.  We were supporting ourselves and living on our own.  When she announced that she was moving back to her home state (where her mother lives and one state over from my aunt) they told her it was the wrong decision for her.

So she told them she wants to be a nun and they walked out of the room crying.  In the middle of the conversation.  I mean, I get it.  It was upsetting to me too.  Still is.  But it is not like she was announcing she has decided to make meth and sell it for a living.  They told her she was being selfish and only thinking of herself.  They said this decision has an impact on them and they have a right to have a say in her decision.

I get it.  Nobody is going to be impacted by this decision more than me and Ladybug.  She is their daughter and sister.  But she is my mother.  She is Ladybug's grandmother.  She is going to sell her house and move to a convent.  The image... or fantasy... I had of my family is about to change.  There will be no more weekends at grandma's house.  There will be no more family holidays.  There will be no free access to her.  For me.  For my daughter. I don't want her to be a nun.

But it is not my decision.

And it is not theirs.

I want to process this.  I want to understand how this impacts her life.  My life.  My daughter's life.  I want to mourn the death of my fantasy.  I want... so much.  But what I don't want is to be put in the position to defend her to her family.  I don't want to support the decision before I am ready.  I don't want to remind them that no matter how much we love people, we can not make life decisions for people.  I don't want to take a side.  And I don't want to betray my mother by siding with them.

Still need to find that therapist.

Mean Mama

Straight hair

I know you think I am talking about Ladybug.  But not this time.

Normally I perm my hair.  Normally I like my hair curly and wild.  And someday I hope it inspires Ladybug to embrace her hair.  But the reality is, I got my first perm when I was 18 and I fell in love with my hair.  I love curls.

But I got bored yesterday.  I didn't want to put on nice clothes.  I did not want to leave the house.  I did not want to do chores and errands.  So I decided to straighten my hair.  I have enough gadgets in the bathroom to do this.  So I did it.

Ladybug didn't even notice.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Maybe she is not so in love with straight hair now.  Temporarily.  Hopefully.

But everybody at the office noticed.  EVERYBODY!  And I went to both my offices today. 

These are the same people who still have not noticed the fact that I got glasses nearly 3 weeks ago.  And they loved my straight hair.  Gushed about it.

At some point today I was in the bathroom and I studied my hair in the bathroom.  I much prefer my curls.

I need a new perm!

Mean Mama

Typical conversation

Ladybug: (yelling from the living room while I am making dinner) Your phone is ringing.
Mama: My work phone?
Ladybug: Your phone is ringing.
Mama: Bring it to me.
Ladybug: What?
Mama: Bring it to me!
Ladybug: You want me to answer it?
Mama: NO!  Bring it to me!
Ladybug: What????
Mama: BRING! IT! TO! ME!
Ladybug: Oh.

It wasn't ringing.

Mean Mama

I am stressed

I think I have earned it.  I am stressed.  Life is hard right now.  But I refuse to fall into the trap that I hate seeing people fall into all the time.  It's the "I had a shitty childhood so I deserve to be fucked up" syndrome.  Life is stressful -- so what.  What ya going to do about it?

But first let's review things that may be contributing to my current stress.

1. I moved 11 months ago.
2. I started a new job 11 months ago.
3. Finances -- I should be use to that since that never changes.
4. My child has attachment issues, anxiety issues, ADHD issues, etc???
5.  I travel a lot to see family and friends.
6.  I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house.
7.  I am single.
8.  My mom has decided to become a nun.

I could really use some medications now.  I could use a therapist (of my own!) to verbal vomit about all my stress.  Because it is beginning to seep out and Ladybug is responding to it.

Today was homework day.  Lots of sighing.  Lots of dirty looks.  Lots of throwing pencils.  Lots of ridiculous answers. 

Then I asked her to clean up her things.  I was nice enough to even put all the things in one spot.  She just needed to trash it or put it away.  Lots of complaining.  Lots of stomping.

And then she started throwing things.

So I lost it.  Sent her to her room.  So she grabs her computer and heads up to her room.

What??  Her computer.  I don't think so.

So she brings it back down and opens it up and starts to do something on her computer.  I close it.  She yells that she needs to shut it down.  I tell her the only thing she needs to do is go upstairs and if she touches the computer again I am throwing it away.

I managed to shower, dress, drive across town, and do at least 1/2 the shopping before she even considered the option of starting to forgive me.

Hopefully tomorrow I can be a better parent.

Mean Mama

Mercy

I recently watched a documentary on youtube.  I was surprised to find a full length film on youtube.  And in the Ethiopian Adoption World it is making an impact.  The movie is Mercy Mercy.  It is a film about a dutch couple who adopts 2 children from Ethiopia.  And it is so much more than that.

It took me some time to process it.  Not that I really have.  But by the time I started processing it, other people had started talking about it.  And that started arguments. Or at least it made me want to argue.

Spoilers are likely below so ...

I was surprised at how quickly adoptive parents jumped on the adoptive parents in the movie.  They were terrible parents. They were clueless.  They should never have children.  And apparently they even received death threats.  Seriously.  Death threats???

You know what I saw when I looked at these adoptive parents?  Me!  Really.  I saw parents who wanted to do the right thing and got really bad advice.  I saw frustration and desperation and dissolution.  They became exhausted and everything they did was wrong and they felt lost.  They loved her but they couldn't understand that maybe love wasn't enough.

You know what I saw when I looked at the daughter?  Ladybug!  Really.  I saw the expressions on her face and thought "I have seen that before."  I have seen every last one of them in the eyes of my own daughter looking back up at me.  Granted -- not in a while.  But once you have a child with attachment looking at you it is burned into your memory and you will never forget it. 

I was not any better than these parents.  I was lucky.  I was ready to let someone take her from me.  But I got lucky.  I got help.  A little at a time.  I didn't make the decision that I couldn't parent her.  But I could have.  I can not judge these parents.  I mean, my heart breaks.  For the parents.  For the child. 

And I haven't even gotten to the biological parents.  All I can say is that I truly hope that Ladybug's parents were not treated that way.  I hope that nobody lied to them or made them promises that they knew they wouldn't keep.

Okay, now that I have painted such a lovely picture of the film, go watch it.

Mean Mama

Some things you don't see coming

My mom came to visit this weekend.  Ladybug had a skating show and she came to see it.  But after dinner on Friday night she hit me with some huge news.

The first thing was that she had lost her job.  This is huge.  As a single woman I know that not having a job would send me into panic mode.  No job?  No income?  How?  She was a case manager at a hospital in her small remote town.  The reality is that she was really good at her job.  But she is not a multi-tasker.  This means while she did a great job with everything she touched, she did not do everything that was expected of her.  But instead of getting fired, she was offered early retirement. 

Still, no income is not good.  How is she going to pay her bills?  Her mortgage?  Well that was a second huge news thing.  One of her best friends recently inherited one million dollars and decided to help some of her friends.  So she paid off my mom's entire mortgage.  House is bought and paid for.  Wow!  I really need a few friends like that.  I really need to own a house.  But since I rent I guess that is not really possible right now.

But neither of those things is the big news.  So as I am sitting there stunned and worried and wondering what the plan is.  And I don't even know if I could help.  And then she dropped the bomb.

My mom has decided to become a nun.  A NUN!  My mom?  Have I mentioned that I am an Atheist?

She is going to sell everything?  Move into a convent?  And be a nun?

And she wants me to visit the convent with her.

Yeah, I did not see that one coming.

Mean Mama

Update 2

Happier:
I really need to figure out how to measure this.  Still feeling like prozac could be a good idea.  Haven't found a doctor yet.

Healthier:
1. I gained.  It is sad.  I gained about 5 pounds by mid month.  This morning I was down just over one pound from my highest of the month.  So that makes this a month of gaining.  I really need my hypothyroid meds.  Ladybug maintained this month.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications -- although I did forget to give her one dose.  I am less consistent about taking mine.  I just forget to take them sometimes.  I need to be better.
3.  I decided that I would stop using the elevator and walk the stairs.  In my "southern" office my office in on the second floor.  But I enter through the basement entrance.  And for some reason there are 2 first floors.  In my "northern" office my office in on the second floor and I enter through the basement.  But this time there is only one first floor.  I also decided to walk on errands.  I mean, it is a small town.  I can walk up the hill to the post office at lunch.  Huff. Puff.  Heart if beating out of my chest.  Please remember that I live in a mountain town.  This means it takes some serious leg muscles to walk 5 blocks straight up hill.  Heavy breathing.  I have also decided that while Ladybug is in the shower every night I will use my mini-stepper. I figured I would do it to muscle exhaustion.  Which is only about 3 minutes right now.  And I also only started it on the 26th. But 3 days is better than none.  Right???
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.  Mostly only have water and tea.  Just not enough of the water.
5.  Doing so much better at eating whole foods.  Crocking again.  Pulled pork sandwiches.  Asian chicken wings.  Pork chops.  Pot roast.  Meat loaf. 
6.  Ladybug is still waiting for her sleep study.  I called to see what the hold up was.  They are still waiting.  Her therapist isn't sure she needs it.  Her sleep is all about anxiety -- associated with me. I saw the eye doctor.  First time in about 15 years -- although I told the doctor is was about 10.  I knew my eyes were changing.  I have a hard time reading.  But he was more concerned about my distance vision.  So in the end I went from no glasses to order multi-focal progressive lenses.  They have been ordered but they have not yet arrived.  I made an appointment for Ladybug to see the dentist but there earliest appointment was for April.
7.  I go to bed between 9 and 10 most nights.  But I sleep like crap.  And it is not all Ladybug's fault.  I really wish I could sleep like I did when I was younger.
8.  No flossing.  Well, not a lot.  Might as well be none.  But will Ladybug's up-coming dentist appointment maybe I can scare her into doing a better job.

Wealthier:
Complete success here, again.  I have deposited $50 into my savings -- which is just slightly below where I should be at week 22.  Ahead of the game!  I also deposited $100 into Ladybug's CD account.   I also deposited $20 into her regular savings account.  That makes a total of $305, which is great since I was only suppose to save $137.80 for the entire year.  So anything I deposit from here on in is paying back the money I took from her when we moved.  Way ahead of the game!

Wiser:
Did I learn anything this month?  I learned that when one of the supervisor's at one of my offices goes on vacation, all the other people in the office get a whole lot nicer.  She should take more vacations.  I learned that pretty much nothing will make me get birthday presents done and mailed on time.  I was late for my mother's.  I was late for my father's.  And it drives my step mom insane.  I have accepted it.  I have learned that one of the most compelling reasons for not putting up xmas decorations is that I can't seem to take them down in any reasonable time.  The decorations are down now but the really dead tree in still in the house.

I think that about sums up February.

Mean Mama