detoxing

One of the suggestions on this diet is to occasionally take a detox bath to help with the weight loss process. So since I have been on the diet for a week now I decided that it was time to do my first detox bath.

The detox bath is suppose to be (unless I got it wrong) water as hot as you can stand it with 2 cups of epsom salt and 2 cups of baking soda. Easy enough. So I filled the bath with hot water and the ingredients and then tried to squeeze into the tub. I do not have a large hot tub style bath. I do not have a large garden style tub. I have a regular apartment style tub. Which is not meant to accommodate my size of a body. But with the hot water waiting me, I stepped gingerly into the tub and slowly sat down. As I saw the water level rise as I lowered my body I began to wonder if this was going to work. In the end I fit -- like a sardine.

So I soaked -- or cooked because the water was so hot. I had heard that many people have bad reactions to this bath so I was a little worried what might happen. I had brief flashes of either getting sick or, more likely, getting stuck in the tub. What would be the options at that point. I would need to yell for my Ladybug who was sleeping. She would need to find my cell phone and call 911. And what a lovely image it would be to have these young paramedics attempting to hoist my naked butt out of a detox tub. But even with these images I soaked. And I did not feel sick. After about 20 minutes I had had enough and decided to get out.

Now normally when I have to get up off the floor I need to flip onto my knees and then pull myself up. Have I mentioned how small that tub is? I let the water out and then some how managed roll over and hoist myself out of the tub. I am sure it was not graceful. I am sure it was not pretty. But was it worth it?

This morning I woke up to a drop in weight of .4 pounds. .4!!!! I risked having to expose myself to paramedics for less then 1/2 pound? Yep. Not such a huge drop in weight.

Normally I wake up in the morning and crawl out of bed. The first step is painful to my feet. And then it takes at least 20 steps before my knees work normally. But this morning I crawled out of bed and was halfway to Ladybug's room (oh how I love being able to say that since we no longer share a room!) before I realized I had no foot or knee pain. I don't know if it is because of the bath or not but I promise to squeeze myself into that tub and hoist myself out as much as possible for the ability to have a pain free morning.

And just for the record -- my total weight loss for the week is 10.2 pounds.

Mean Mama

Rude with a side of smile

Why is it that some people believe that if they are rude while smiling that somehow it is acceptable?

The secretary at my office is always sweet and nice. Always. Useless. But nice. So we were heading into lunch the other day in a conference room as one of the lawyers was preparing for a meeting. Secretary asked if lawyer wanted the conference room. Lawyer said no.

S: Are you sure?
L: No, it's fine.
S: Well I know you like that conference room so we could move.
L: No, it's fine.
S: We haven't started so we could easily move.
L: No, it's fine.
S: Are you sure?
Me: She said it's fine.
S: Well I was just checking.
Me: How many times are you going to ask once she answers?
S: It is a free country. If I want to ask her the same question over and over I can. (Smiling)
Me: Seems a little ridiculous.
S: If you don't like it you can go have lunch in your office. (Smiling)

So I did. Just because she smiled doesn't mean she is right or nice.

Mean Mama

basic competence

I don't understand the lack of competence that people seem to have. Okay, I get frustrated with Ladybug when she shows it but she is 5!!! She is allowed to be incompetent.

This evening I asked her to grab my cell phone out of my purse. I admit that my house is a complete disaster as I re-arrange things after my mom moved out, but I always drop my purse near the front door. She starts wandering towards the deck. I call her back and tell her it is in my purse. And she walks toward the bathroom. Really? I don't remember ever keeping my purse in the bathroom. I tell her that it is on the floor next to the filing cabinet. And she starts spinning in circles. I only have 1 filing cabinet! But she is 5!

But I don't understand when professionals can't get basic English instructions. Today I sent our legal courier to the court to file a document. Simple instructions:
1: File the original Request and 3 copies.
2: Attach the original Request to the 4 copies of the Order.
3: Give the Orders to case coordinator.
4: Return the filed 3 copies of the Request to my office.

Simple!

So why did I get back 2 filed copies of the Request and 3 filed copies of the Order?

And the instructions were written and they took it with them. No excuses. Think!

Mean Mama

Break

I go out of town for a few days to help my mom move and it turns into a long vacation from blogging. I guess I needed to have more under my belt for such a break. But I am jumping back on the horse and determined to be better about recording my crazy thoughts.

Well my countdown to starting a diet has ended. And, unlike most other times, I have actually started my diet. I had 2 days of loading. Heaven!! Until I was at the end of the first day. I ate. And ate. And ate. I continued to eat even after I was not hungry. By the time I crawled in bed I was so physically uncomfortable that the only position I could be in with any sense of comfort was horizontal. And then I had to do it again the next day. I never thought I would dread gorging but I did. And now I know why this diet requires gorging before starvation...I actually looked forward to the idea of not eating.

And the good news is that the diet is working! I am down 7 pounds in the first 3 days of dieting. Success is sweet. Of course not all is easy. I have to wonder what cruel and sadistic bastard designed the grocery store I shop at. As I am there picking out asparagus, tomatoes, oranges, and apples I am painfully aware of the sweet bakery smells. Why Why Why would anybody would put the bakery right next to the produce section. I WANT FOOD!

Mean Mama

The Dredded Diet

The countdown begins.... 7 days.

I have made the decision to take the very drastic step of putting myself on the HCG diet. Pounds & Inches. It is really quite simple. I ingest drops of urine of a pregnant woman (not really) and eat no more then 500 calories per day. Are you serious?? Yep! I have done my research. I have tried everything else. I am desperate. I need to make one last effort or get comfortable being fat. Have you ever noticed that word "diet" is just the word "die" with a "t" at the end?

I am not comfortable in my skin. A few years after graduating from college I got a hair-brained idea that I needed to run a marathon. I ran about 30 miles a week to train and still I only managed to get to 150 pounds. 150 pounds may be an okay weight for some people but on a proud day I am only 5'4". And there are not many proud days lately. Since my training days (which ended many moons ago after several injuries to feet and knees) I have slowly put on about 140 pounds. Okay, at times it was not slowly at all. Sometimes I looked at food and I could feel my hips growing. And then there was the 11 weeks I waited for my adoption referral when I had dinner every night with the boys, Ben & Jerry. And these days I would kill to be 150 pounds.

I want to be able to fit in an airplane seat without taking up part of my daughter's seat. I want to be able to get out of a chair without hoisting myself up. I want to be able to moisturize my feet without twisting myself into a pretzels. I have stopped trimming my toenails because I can find no comfortable way of doing it. As I say this it is becoming abundantly clear to me why I am single.

So the diet is a step by step. Step #1 -- purchase the HCG. I intend to do this tomorrow. Simple enough. And it should arrive after I return from my brief trip this week -- one last time I must cram myself into an airplane seat meant only to be comfortable for Kate Moss. Step #2 -- Loading. I have read many accounts of people in the loading stage. It is 2 days of gorging. I must eat as much fatty foods as I can cram down my throat. When most people talk about this they say how disgusted they are at eating so much. I think those 2 days will be HEAVEN!!! Let's face it, I did not get to be this size by avoiding foods like that. One woman stated at how she felt like puking after eating a cheeseburger, fries, and coke at McDonald's. And I thought it sounded like a regular meal. Bring it on. 2 whole days of loading.....bring it on!

I will check back in next week to let you know how heaven feels.

Mean Mama

Begging for work

The plan was to write about job hunting tonight. But it is a pretty emotionally raw topic right now so I decided to write about something else. I made this decision while driving home and even decided what I would write about. But my ability to hold thoughts in my head has dramatically decreased since becoming a mother. I have thought about it for about 2 hours now and... nothing. A complete blank slate. Not even a clue.

So back to the original plan. I guess.

I have been actively job hunting for about 4 months now. I want to move to a different area of the country in order to be closer to friends and family. But in the process of doing so I will be making the decision to move from a major metropolitan area to a small town. By small town I mean about 5000 people in the town. When I told my father the size of the town he thought it sounded large to him. Of course he lives in a town of about 700 people. It is a really smart move on my part. NOT! I decide to go job hunting in a very limited market when the unemployment rate has hit an all time high in most the country. Smart move!

But every night I poured through the internet looking for possible jobs. And what I discovered is that I apparently missed the day in high school where they talked about careers. I could be a physician...or a physical therapist... or nurse... but not tomorrow. I did not go to school for anything medical related. Okay that is not entirely true. I did take an EMT class once. My friend (the instructor) and my other friend (the cop) convinced me to give it a try. It must have been fun to watch me read the text book with my hands strategically placed over almost every picture in the book because gaping wounds make me queasy. I not only made it through the class but also made it through the ER time. It was good practice for when I became a mother and became an expert in bodily fluids. But it is not a career choice. So since I can not actually do the medical work I thought it best not to apply for most of the available jobs.

But late on March 10th I looked at one more site and found MY job. Mine. The job description could not have been written without looking at my current resume. It required both of my degrees (that's right Target lady, I have 2 degrees!). And it was a combination of my current job and my previous job (changed careers in between jobs). It was mine. I was offered an interview. Of course. I was perfect for the job. And they could google my name and find NY Times articles to prove it.

But I didn't get the job. I remained hopeful last week. But today I knew it was not looking good. Today I officially gave up hope. I was surprised by my emotional reaction. As I picked up my daughter from school she ran into my arms (which is in stark comparison to her usual, "MAAAAAA, you came too early and I did not get my computer time!") and I held her tight as I choked back my sobs of disappointment. And she held on tight, giving me the strength to move past my disappointment.

So no job (other then my current one). No possibilities (unless I want to make up a medical history that I can not handle). No hope. Time for me start considering the option of creating a plan B.

Mean Mama

Yesterday I earned my name

I am not really a mean mama. Well, I guess at times, but not just for the sake of being mean. However, some woman I ran into (not literally) yesterday would disagree with me.

When Ladybug really wants something that I must, for whatever reason, deny her she starts in on the whine that can only really be done perfectly by someone under the age of 7 years old. AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW! And displays a look that crosses somewhere between hatred and pathetic. At this point my normal response is (in a rather unceremoniously, deadpan way) to say, "I know, I am a mean mama." At which point (about 90% of the time) she responds with, "No you're not." I think this is in an attempt to (have a mentioned yet that Ladybug is very smart for a 5 year old) get me to change my mind. But if I get that response from her I will, without fail, respond with, "Well, I guess I need to try harder to be mean." At which point she will normally fall into giggles and forget what it was that started this episode. So I am not really a mean mama but I wear that title like a badge of honor.

But yesterday some random woman was willing to forcefully tattoo a big scarlet MM (Mean Mama) on my forehead if she could have thought of a way to hold me down in the middle of Target. Despite the fact that a Saturday was wasted with doing boring chores and errands, Ladybug was doing fairly well. So well in fact that I decided to buy her a Princess Tiana barbie while we were in Target. I don't know what came over me because just a few weeks ago in frustration over her behavior I bagged up all of her existing barbies and told her that she could earn their way into the trash or earn their way into her accessible play things. I have thrown a few things away but I have not actually given her anything back. So instead of spending $10 on something new I should have just gotten an old one out of the closet.

But I digress...

After checking out Ladybug announces that she must use the potty. Really?? What is her fascination with public restrooms? And why must she always use the handicapped accessible one? I swear she is part male because there is no such thing as a quick trip to the potty with her. But we did survive. As we were walking out of the bathroom I noticed that one of her shoes had come untied and asked her to take care of it. At which point she turns and throws her foot up in my direction. Now a week earlier I would have just bent down and tied the shoe. But we have spent the week learning to tie shoes and she is actually fairly good at it. So I refuse. She whines a little, she stamps a little, she sits on the floor to take care of it. Now, Ladybug is a master manipulator (for instance I just looked up to find her harassing the cat while looking directly at me to see if I was going to catch her) so she was going to pull out all the stops to make it so I would tie that shoe. She complained. She waved her arms wildly. She whined. Have I mentioned yet that I think that theater may be in her future? I dropped the bags to the floor and leaned against the wall. I redirected her but I refused to tie that shoe. She can do it!

I was so engrossed with my child that I was not paying attention to anybody around me. But I looked up at some point as a woman started to walk past me. I noticed her initially because she was wearing a big flowing dress and was about 9 months pregnant -- hard to miss. As she got to me she stopped and looked directly at me and said, "You need to learn to be nice to children." I was shocked for about 2 seconds. I thought I had been doing well. I was patient (we had exited that bathroom about 10 minutes earlier). I did not yell. I did not roll my eyes. I did not sigh in exasperation. But I did not tie the shoe either (and this is why most children's shoes are velcro). It took a heart beat for me to realize that she was in fact calling me a Mean Mama so I looked at her and said, "My child." Because I do not think fast on my feet and that was the most profound thing I could think of - pathetic, but true. Was this woman who was obviously approaching motherhood and yet had no screaming minis at her heals really going to tell me in public how to parent my child? A child she does not know! Oh, she was! She responded with, "Oh so that makes it okay? You need to be kind to children even if they are yours." And she walked away.

I had images of myself running after her and telling her that no child was perfect and if she thought that she was going to be perfect at mothering then she would soon find out how wrong she was. The things that I have learned since becoming a parent are that I will make mistakes on a regular basis; I do need to save for college AND therapy; and that nobody can parent my child any better then me because nobody is with her as much as I am. But I decided that that was not a show I wanted to put on for my daughter so, instead of running after the "top candidate for mother of the year," I leaned down to Ladybug and said, "If you want me to tie those shoes for you I will but we will be getting rid of them when we get home if you aren't willing to tie them yourself."

She had the shoes tied in about 10 seconds!

Mean Mama

In the beginning...

I know that inspiration comes from many different sources. Tonight I watched "Julia & Julie" and I thought, "I could do that!" Well not exactly. I can't cook. Well I can but not like that...and I would never attempt to do so. And I can't write. Again I can but ... I am not a writer. But I can make a decision to change my life. And I believe that ultimately that is what the main character in the movie (Julie) was trying to do. So I can put myself out there, share my thoughts, actions, and failings in an attempt to change my life. Anonymously! Hey, I never said I was brave.

I have titled this Losing It! because that is what it is. I am sure that I will talk about all the daily rantings of my life that make me pull my hair from my head. I am a single mother of a fabulous 5 year old (Ladybug) who is smart, energetic, and challenging. I am a full time employee of a law firm -- enough said. I have a 40 minute commute. I am looking for a new job. I am trying to move to a different part of the country. I think that now that I am in my 40's it is time to buy my first house. I am contemplating the idea of returning to school in order to get a Master's degree. I want to decrease my debt. And I want to shed a few pounds -- okay a lot more then a few. All the normal things in a person's life that can make them sometimes feel like they are losing their mind. So, if anybody besides myself ends up reading this, I am your normal, average person recording the thoughts that most people are too nice to say out loud.

Mean Mama