Back on the hhcg roller coaster

I had hoped that by the time I started my weight loss challenge that I would have made a decision about which charity would benefit from me getting skinny. I emailed a few places to get a few questions answered. Nobody emailed me back. Is it possible that nobody wants my money? Or to encourage me to shed a few pounds? Do they get so many donations that they don't need to solicit, or even accept, my donation?

But I will not, and have not, let one detail derail me. Yesterday I started the required 2 days of gorging. When I am dieting I fantasize about the gorging days. I dream of ice cream and bacon. Maybe together. But on gorging days I just feel sick. Stuffing one more bite in my mouth may actually puke. I had bacon egg and cheese on a bagel for breakfast. I split a pizza with pepperoni with my co-worker for lunch. I ate a bacon cheeseburger, steak fries and a reeces peanut butter milkshake for dinner. I might actually weigh a ton tomorrow morning as I weigh in for my first day of starvation.

I can do this! I am planning on 27 days. Then I will take a break for the holidays. Fingers crossed that I can drop 20 pounds in 27 days. Please.

And maybe I will make a charity decision by then too.

Mean Mama

weather delays

I grew up in an area of the country that dealt with weather delays. There was the blizzard of '77 where there was so much snow that we couldn't get out of the house for a week and we ate everything in our freezer, making such concoctions that we named "frozen mice tail casserole". Or the time that the winds blew so hard across the plains that the windshield factor was 60 degrees below. Or the April 1st that heated up all the snow so fast that the rivers flooded and bridges were wiped out.

But when the weather turns bad in most sections of the world, you get out and get on with life, and deal with what has been dished out. It rains, you get your rubber boots on and grab your umbrella. It floods, you grab your precious things, turn on the sump pump and head for high ground. It snows, you shovel.

Last February I went on vacation to the mountains. By mountains let me just say that it is referred to the high peaks. During this week long vacation, it snowed every day. During the week it dumped about 3 feet of snow. And nothing stopped. People did not even turn on their TVs to find out if schools were delayed or closed. My cousin, strapped his son on his back and went outside to sweep the snow from the roof (from the ground -- he did not get on the roof with his son on his back). People drove a little slower. Okay, I drove a little slower. But life went on.

In comparison, whenever there is weather around here (where I currently live) everything stops. And by weather I mean -- any weather.

When I moved here about 5 years ago I was not prepared for this. In February of that year I was still unemployed and looking for a job. I tried to get out a few times a week -- so I wouldn't go insane. On one day I stepped outside and it was snowing. By "snowing" I mean DUSTING. It was less than 1/4 inch of snow. It was nothing. I drove to walmart and the post office and some other places I have now forgotten. A dusting! When I got home I turned on the TV and every channel was the weather. All TV shows were cancelled. A dusting!! Schools were closed for 3 days. My secretary still tells stories about her normal 45 minute commute took her 12 hours that day. I am not exaggerating -- it was a dusting!

This week it is raining. I have teased for years that I don't need a traffic report to get to work. I need a weather report. If it is raining my commute takes twice as long. There will be dozens (again, not exaggerating) of accidents. True -- but a joke. Monday is rained most of the day steadily. Wednesday it rained most of the day steadily. Today it rained the first half of the day. It was a steady rain. But it was not a heavy rain. I did not even try to find my umbrella. It was not raining hard enough for an umbrella. I did not wear a jacket. It was too hot for a jacket. I continued to wear my sandals. Ladybug wore her new funky peace sign rain boots.

43 schools either cancelled or ordered a 2 hour delay to the start of the school day. Because of the rain. School delays for rain. 43 schools!!

I think I live in an alternate universe.

Mean Mama

11 out of 11!!!

Seriously! She got an 11 out of 11 on her behavior chart at school. She is being so good. She wants to be good. She wants to be successful.

And it's working.

I know it is only day 2 but I am loving this.

Please let this continue.

Mean Mama

The sweetest moment in the day

When Ladybug first came home I made a deliberate decision to co-sleep. I thought it would be helpful with the bonding process. Besides, I have a queen size bed. One adult and one child that was 21 pounds should be able to fit on one bed. After a week of sleeping with her I was exhausted. She was a very active sleeper. She spun, kicked, rotated. She flung her arms and legs. I was bruised an battered. I was a deep sleeper -- before Ladybug. I bruise easily. Every few minutes I was woken up by being beaten.

I decided I needed to transition her to her own bed. It didn't work. Ladybug had made a deliberate decision to co-sleep. If I put her in her bed, she cried. If I waited until she was asleep she woke up. If, by some miracle, she didn't wake up right away she would come into my room later. We struggled for about 18 months about this. Eventually I realized (yes I am a slower learner) that she was not going to stay in her bed at night. I would send her back to her room and she would come back to mine. I was waking up about a dozen times a night to put her back to bed.

I needed a new approach. I decided to move her bed into my room. I crossed my fingers and hoped if she was in my room she would stay in her own bed. And it worked. She was still an active sleeper. She still kicked and hit (but it was the wall instead of me). She still had nightmares and cried out in her sleep (but I could sooth her from my own bed and I didn't need to get up in the middle of the night. Many times.

When we moved in with my mom we had to share a room because it was a 2 bedroom place. It worked for us. Easy transition. When we moved into our current place we separated bedrooms. She has one, I have the other. By this time she was ready to have her own room. And it has worked beautifully. She sleeps in her room and I sleep in mine.

The problem is...I miss her. Kind of ironic, I know. I miss her needing me. I miss her coming to me. I want her to grow up. I want her to gain independence. But I also want her to want me too. I want her to need me. I just can't be pleased.

But she is having issues lately. She is crawling into my bed in the middle of the night. Luckily she is not nearly as violent in her sleep as she use to be.

I want her to get past whatever she is experiencing. But, in the meantime, I get to experience the sweetest moment every morning. As she starts to wake up she reaches out for me. She touches my face. Or takes my hand. Or pulls my arm around her. And this is what is waking me up every morning. I am not a morning person so it takes a while for me to fully wake up. But she caresses me awake and I get to experience the gentle, quiet, sweet part of my child every morning. I get to experience her unabashed love before she starts thinking. I love it. I love her. I love waking up that way. So while she needs me I am enjoying it.

Mean Mama

Attention to detail

I have a few days of diet freedom. My challenge starts on October 1st. Although it appears that my challenge will be mostly strictly personal, I am taking it serious. So this week went I went shopping I got all kinds of naughty foods. The last hurrah.

Among the things that I opted to buy were a few dishes of P.F. Chang. I have never eaten at the restaurant. But I love chinese food. So I decided to give it a try.

So I pulled one out of the freezer tonight and threw it in the skillet. Orange chicken! Yum. Apparently I did not pay attention to the detailed description on the bag. Carrots. I am a strong believer that carrots were not meant to be cooked. Water chestnuts. I am not even sure what those things are but I have never liked them. And lima beans. Oh not lima beans. Edamame. Might as well be lima beans.

I was a good girl. I ate it all. Without making a face. I wanted to make a impression on Ladybug. Hopefully me trying new things will encourage her to try new foods. Healthier foods.

Mean Mama

Houston we have lift off!

In my frustration last week over Ladybug's behaviors at school I emailed the teacher. I so never intended to be one of those mothers. I will not hover. I think the technical term is "helicopter mother." I do not want to be one. But I wanted to nip it all in the bud. I needed her to feel like school was a positive thing. I could not have her already hate school in kindergarten.

The teacher said she has a separate chart that she can use with kids who are having bigger issues with managing her behavior. She was not at the point that she was willing to bring it up to me but since I asked she was willing to try it. The good news is that Ladybug was not the first kid who was put on the chart. Instead of gaining one frog a day, her day is broken down into 11 different sections. The teacher checks in with Ladybug about her behavior 11 times a day. She must get 7 of 11 checks in order to get a sticker from the teacher.

In addition, I finally got my act together and created a chart at home too. If she passes the behavior test in school she can have computer time that night. Makes me want a second computer in the house. If she earns 2 stickers in a week she can have cartoons on Saturday morning. Okay, this one is really for me. I want to sleep later than 6:30 am on the weekends. If she gets 3 stickers in the week she can have cartoons on both Saturday and Sunday mornings. See previous comment. If she gets 4 stickers in a week she can have movie night (at home) on Friday. If she gets 5 stickers in a week -- I still need to figure that one out. She must also maintain a positive energy at home or it will negate her sticker from school.

So today was day 1. She earned her sticker. She was actually near perfect! She got 9 out of 10 (it was raining so no recess, so no 11th period of the day). 9 out of 10! She missed that last one because she kicked a classmate. Ooops. She admits it. But says it was an accident. I might be willing to believe this. She dances and twirls and never stays still. She also has recently turned into a klutzy child so I might be willing to believe that she was dancing around and accidentally kicked him. But 9 out of 10!

Happy mama!

Mean Mama

Happy Frog does dishes

Ladybug has been in kindergarten for about a month.

She is smart. And sweet. And ready to please. And independent. And opinionated. And stubborn. And she is absolutely right all the time. No matter how smart she is, she is not academically inclined. Some people may say that it is too early to make that kind of statement. I base this on her unwillingness to put any effort into learning. She even to finds enjoyment in refusing to learn to read.

I wasn't all that concerned about her being in kindergarten though. I mean she has been in a large day care environment for 4 years. Teachers, classrooms, schedules. Nothing new there. This should have been an easy transition.

Her teacher has a frog chart to let the parents know about how the children are doing during the day. It is sent home every day. And at the end of the week the parent's must sign it to prove that they have seen it. There is the:

Happy frog -- meaning only minor corrections through the day.
Uh oh frog -- meaning that the child needed repeated redirection to get them on track
Sad frog -- meaning that nothing was working.

And when there is an uh oh frog on the chart a note comes home to explain what the issue was. Ladybug has been on the happy frog. She has not been on the sad frog. And she has been on the uh oh frog more times then I care to admit. Okay -- about 2 or 3 times a week. While some parents are still waiting for that first note from the teacher I am well verse in them. Issues needing to be addressed include: snipping scissors at a friend, talking too much, talking too loud, not listening, not following directions, hitting, pushing, and giving friends an attitude. None of this is surprising -- just disappointing. I need to remind myself that all those things that are driving me insane right now will likely serve her well as an adult.

In contrast, she has been helpful and willing at home. She cam home with an uh oh frog 3 times this week. And she did the dishes 5 times this week. I didn't ask. I mean, we have a dishwasher. I stick the dishes in there, flip a switch and walk away. But she wanted to do the dishes, the old fashioned way. So I let. She got the stool out, put it up to the sink and washed dishes. I still ran them through the dish washer but she felt good about her contribution. And yesterday I did a few dishes by hand and discovered the sponge was so soaked with dish soap that I didn't need to add any to it in order to wash a full load of dishes. I guess we need to have a little chat about using only what she needs. But at least I don't need to worry about her not using soap.

Mean Mama

shattered

On Friday I picked up Ladybug from her after school program and headed to the craft store. In my frustration over her school behaviors I decided that I needed to create some kind of incentive to get her invested in behaving. And I know positive always works better then negative with her.

I picked her up and discovered that she had a good day. THANK YOU! At school and at the after school program. Well, she always has a good day at the after school program. Lots of activities. On the move. Basketball, gymnastics, playground, anything active.

She was helpful and sweet in the craft store. Which is definitely not one of her favorite places. But we finally gather all of the things we need and head to the check out lane. As we are standing there I decide I want candy. I know... NOT ON THE DIET. So I am looking and decide not to get any. I turn around. My purse hits the shelf behind me. My cell phone pocket pops open. My bottle of HCG falls out and shatters on the floor. My full bottle. About $60 value. The thing I need to meet my charity weight loss challenge. Gone.

And I have nobody to blame but myself.

Mean Mama

children of the corn

I heard on the radio about a corn field maze in the area and I thought how much fun it would be. So I made it the surprise for the weekend. But Ladybug could have been called "crap apple" for the day. houses

And some of it was my fault. I managed to convince her to get dressed but it was a fight to get her in a pair of sneakers. I was not going to have her walking through a corn field in sandals. But I finally got her in a pair of sneakers and in the car.

Then I got lost. I so need a GPS. I thought I knew where I was going. But apparently I didn't. I missed a turn but didn't know it. I turned around and guessed at the turn. Then I missed the farm. I mean, I saw the farm but I didn't know it was THE farm. So I turned around again. Finally pulled into the farm, parked, and turned off the car.

Ladybug had fallen asleep so I woke her up. She immediately saw the big bouncy house -- and got an attitude. Which made no sense to me. She loves bouncy houses. Why would she hate the idea of being at a bouncy house? I think I have managed to get her attitude to change before we get to the booth to pay. But then she throws a fit over needing to pay. Is she just fighting me to be fighting me?

The credit card machine was down. I absolutely never carry cash on me. Never! I spend cash. I think about the card. So I got back in the card to find an ATM. With attitude from Ladybug. She wasn't getting back in the card. She wasn't going to have fun. She wasn't going to be nice. So I used the trip to the ATM to work on a major attitude adjustment. And, luckily, it worked.

She enjoyed the bouncy house, which I knew she would. She dug in the sand pit until she hit earth. I did have to stop her from taking a shovel away from a baby but otherwise it was good. She rode a pony. She got her face painted like a tiger.

And then we headed into the actual maze. And the attitude started. We had literally walked about 3 feet into the maze when she announced she was done. But I wouldn't let her stop. And we trudged on. With whining. And not from me. For a while. But it was about 90 degrees. In the sun. With no breeze. It was hot. And the maze was huge. We found 6 of the 10 check points but then I needed out.




A little ice cream and water and we both managed to finish the day in a positive way.

Mean Mama

avoidance not successful

I had to go to a seminar today. On adoption. For work. So at least it was a good day of work. But I had to go with mini boss. We arrived separately. And therefore sat separately. And in fear of having to have lunch with mini I brought a book. Something light and fun.

At the beginning of the seminar they announced that the hotel would provide lunch to those that wanted. I didn't want. I wanted to get out. And I wanted to go across the street to the mall. There is a store that sells the lotion I like for Ladybug.

So when mini approached me during the break in the morning asking about what to do for lunch I had the perfect out. I had to go shopping. At the mall. What self respecting 20 something boy (yes I said "boy") would go with his employee to the mall for lunch? None. It was the perfect set up. I didn't even have to pretend to be avoiding him.

So I told him I wanted to shop...at the mall.... And he said.... Can I go with you?

What??? He wants to go to the mall? For lunch?? With me???

I had no idea how to get out of it. So I went shopping with mini.

Mean Mama

fund raiser

I need to find some motivation. I thought I had the other day. But it was fleeting. I want brownies. Brownies slathered in peanut butter. Yum. And I am pretty sure that it is not on my diet. But I want it. I haven't had it but I might dream about it tonight. I am pretty sure I will dream about it tonight.

I started my diet again at the beginning of August and I have lost a total of ... drum roll please ... 7 pounds. 7! That's it. Pathetic. I know I can do better. I have done better. But I need to find the motivation. So I wanted to put a challenge out to people. This is a challenge for me. And for you.

Here is the idea -- which still needs some thought to it.

I will donate $1 for every pound that I lose between October 1, 2010 to June 29, 2011. October 1st gives me time to formulate the plan in detail. June 29th is the anniversary of my referral call. I want to have other people pledge to donate $1 for every pound I lose to the charity of my choice -- or your choice. It's not much. Really. I have 121 pounds to lose. I can't do that by June 29th. But the maximum anybody would have to donate is $121. That is the max. That is not a lot for any one person. And you have 9 months to save the money. But if I can get a lot of people to pledge then that is a lot of money that I can help raise for a cause. And if I find a cause I want to support then I will feel motivated to stick with the diet. And I don't money to come to me with the promise that I will send it on. I want you to give the money directly to the charity. Write a check on June 30th and in the memo write my blog address.

Crazy? No, really! Tell me. Is this a crazy idea? Will anybody pledge? Yes, I am asking for comments (really!). And if this is a good idea, any ideas for a charity? Some of my passions include:

1. Adoption - international or foster care (since both are in my family)
2. Ethiopia - I love this country and it needs so much assistance
3. Domestic Violence

Send me your best choices in charity (another begging moment for comments) and I will try to decide which one.

I promise not to lie about my weight. I will post more headless photos of my journey - Ladybug will love to play photographer again - so you can see the progress (hopefully) of my body shrinking. And I promise to take a photo of my scale with me standing on it showing my weight on October 1, 2010 and June 29, 2011. And I promise to keep you updated through this blog on a regular basis.

Tell me you will help me succeed. Succeed in raising money. Succeed in getting healthy. Succeed in helping a good cause. Any takers?

Oh geez, once I hit publish I guess I am committed to doing this. Here it goes...

Mean Mama

Hungry

I have found motivation today for my diet. I was looking through halloween costumes and realized that I need to loose weight or plan on being a cow. So I was hungry today. I just reminded myself it was for a good cause.

But that is not the issue. I picked up Ladybug after school today and the first thing she said to me was that she was hungry. Then she told me that she couldn't wait to get home to eat. And then I found out she had some issues at school. So I began to wonder what I might find in her lunch and snack bags. Here was the food plan for her for the day.

Breakfast:
cereal (gluten free)
milk

Lunch:
sandwich with ham, cheese and lettuce (all of which she likes)
3 carrots
watermelon
brownie
juice

Snack:
kool-aid
apple
dried fruit

She refused her breakfast after I made it. I struggled with this all last week and vowed not to do it this week. So I said nothing. She ate nothing.

What she came home with...

Lunch bag:
lettuce, ham, and cheese
3 carrots
juice

Snack bag:
apple
dried fruit

This means she ate:
bread
brownie
watermelon
kool-aid

No wonder she was hungry! So I told her the food would be different tomorrow.

Lunch:
salad - with ham and cheese
carrots
crackers
watermelon
milk

Snack:
juice
apple
dried fruit

If all she is going to eat is the junk then I will eliminate the junk. She needs to eat something with a little nutritional value to it.

And I hope the behavior issues improve with the healthy food intake.

Fingers crossed,
Mean Mama

Being presentable

I am allowed to leave the house today. I am a looks conscious person. Everyone I know would agree to that statement. But I was extra lazy yesterday. Here is the list of things I have done today that I did not do yesterday.

shower
shave
get dressed
use deodorant
brush teeth
floss
pluck eyebrows
brush hair
put hair in a style
put on jewelry

All the basics that should be done prior to being allowed to leave the house.

Off to do chores. Yes, all that just to do chores.

Mean Mama

Hair hair hair

I finally finished the hair style. Every time I do micro braids I remind myself not to do them again. But I am a slow learner. With this hack job of a haircut I decided that it was my only option. We started hair last Saturday. We skipped braiding on Tuesday because of the open house. We skipped braiding on Wednesday because of bad behavior. But otherwise we did hair every day. Seven days of braiding. She is sick of it. I am sick of it. The hope is that it last for about 4-6 weeks. No hair for 4-6 weeks! Please.

Here is the end result. 143 braids.





Looking forward to taking them all out some day.

Mean Mama

When I became a mom

I recently had to turn in my annual report for Ladybug. Because it is an international adoption, I am required to do a quick update every year until she is 18. When I was doing the research for my adoption I thought this was a ridiculous requirement. I thought once she is mine, she is mine. Why do I need to report back every year? But now that Ladybug has been home for 4 years I like doing my annual report. I understand that the country wants to know that the children they have released are healthy and happy. As part of the annual report I submit photos. I think this year I did about 12 photos -- over kill. But it means that I looked through tons of photos. And I ran across a photo that represents the moment I became a mom.

I remember through my process of adoption I thought at each step, "I have become a mom." And then the next step would let me know that I was a mom at that moment. When I turned in my application I was sure that meant I was a mom. A mom with no child yet. But a mom. And then when I had my first home study I realized that the application was nothing and this was the moment I became a mom. It continued that way. When I got my USCIS approval I knew the the home study was just a step in the process and that this was my first mommy moment. But soon after I turned in my entire dossier to my agency and I was sure that this made a mom.

And then came the referral phone call. I was so relieved. I had waited years since my decision to become a mom and this was truly my mommy moment. Court was anti-climatic but it made it official. She was mine. I was listed as mother on someone's birth certificate. I was a mom. But still childless since it would be another 5 weeks before I would even meet my little girl. And then there was the first meeting of my child.

But it was a completely different and unexpected moment that I really became a mom. I arrived in Ethiopia on a Monday and met Ladybug briefly on that day. On Tuesday I got to spend the day with her. She tried to run away from me (this is her favorite story for me to repeat when she is being silly). I fed her. Changed her. Played with her. She did not crack a smile once. I spent all day on Wednesday with her. She loosened up but still wasn't sure. On Thursday was embassy day. And I saw her first smile. She wasn't smiling at me but she still smiled. She was playing at the embassy with some other kids and she smiled. Each night I would return her to the orphanage.

On Friday I went to the orphanage to pick her up and she seemed different. She wouldn't come to me. She was stiff in my arms. We were taking a step backwards. And then she needed her diaper changed so I put her down to change it and she freaked out. She screamed. She kicked. She thrashed. I worked with it but eventually got her into her diaper. And when I was done changing it she continued. She screamed. She cried. I held her and she would wrench her body away from mine and push away from me. I put her down and she would scream louder and keep her hand on me. I couldn't hold her because she didn't want to be near me. But I couldn't put her down because she didn't want to be away from me. She screamed and cried and pushed and hit and thrashed for just over 45 minutes. I was clear that she was mad but I didn't know what to do for her.

After 45 minutes she crawled up on my lap, put her head down on my breasts, and fell asleep. It was about that time that the nanny came in and told me it was her lunch time and she needed to eat. I told her to go away. She slept for about 1 hour on me. When she woke up she was sad. There was this look on her face of just pure sadness. She was quiet. And thoughtful. And I picked up my camera and snapped a photo. That photo is the moment I became a mom. I became a mom in that moment because she decided that I was mom. She was teaching me a lesson. Between the age difference and the language difference and culture difference she was clearly telling me that I was mom and it was time for me to act like it.

So I will break my rule and post this photo here. This is the moment that I became a mom.



Mean Mama

So sad

I logged on to my computer today and looked for my little brown eyed gem I have been dreaming about for 2 nights. She has been removed from the waiting child list. And that makes me sad. I was wrong. She was not meant to be mine.

And then I remember that I should be happy. She has been removed from the waiting child list. She is no longer a child searching for a family. She is a child with a family. In a few short arms she will have her parent(s) in her arms and she will be a happy little girl. She will not be sad. She will be happy. And she will never know that another family wanted her too. She will know that she has found the family she has always wanted.

After all, it is about finding families for the children. Not finding children for the families.

Mean Mama

still waiting

I am still waiting for the call about the second interview. Has it really only been a week? I know I will get a second interview. But no idea when.

I got a call from my mom tonight. A couple of weeks ago she decided that she needed to look for a new job. Her boss is a jerk -- to put it politely. Her hours are 7am to 3pm but she never gets out of work until about 7pm. And since she is salaried she gets no overtime. And when she needed to take an hour off to register her car they made her take vacation time. They get 4 extra hours from her each day and yet she needs to take vacation time to deal with a personal issue. No wonder they have a hard time holding on to employees.

So since I am searching for a job for me still I just started looking for possibilities for her, too. If I find something, I send a link to her. And I found a couple. She has a career that has more positions available in this particular area of the country. And she applied for one last week. Tomorrow she has an interview. Tomorrow! I hope she gets it. And I hope it is better then her current place. But I am a little jealous that she has the ability to get 2 jobs and I still don't have my first one.

Fingers crossed that she knocks them dead tomorrow -- not literally.

Mean Mama

Love

I fell in love today. After all of Ladybug's efforts to find me a husband (or more accurately a daddy for her), I fell in love without her help.

I fell in love with a profile on the computer. I have tried online dating before. Well... not really. I signed up. And I looked at profiles. But I never did anything with it. And tonight I saw a profile online and I know. I know I am meant to be with this person. I know it. Have you ever had that feeling?

When I adopted Ladybug I did a ton of research about where to adopt from. I could not make up my mind. And then my cousin suggested Ethiopia and I knew instantly. Instantly. I didn't need to research. I didn't need to think about it. I knew my child was in Ethiopia. And I was right.

And tonight I stared into these deep brown eyes on the computer and I knew. Again. That I am suppose to be the mom of this little girl. She is cute. And the right age (just older than Ladybug). And she speaks to me. I am in love.

But can I do it? Can I adopt again? Can I come up with the money? And get through the process?

Am I crazy?

Mean Mama

Open House

Note to self: Not necessary to attend each year.

I think that is the wrong thing to say. But I also think it is true.

The school sent an email asking that all parents attend. And leave the kids at home. Yeah. Not possible for me. So I didn't plan on attending. And I felt guilty about it. I should attend. I should be involved.

But then Ladybug came home from school telling me the teacher said all parents must attend. And I began to think maybe there was something I didn't know. I mean, she is in kindergarten -- what do I know. So I went. With Ladybug in tow. And almost all the other parents brought a child (or 2) as well.

The PTA spoke. Now, don't get me wrong. I think the PTA is a wonderful thing. But I am not getting involved. I don't fit in with this group. I moved to an upper middle class kind of town for the good schools. I am the poor, white trash, person in town. I do not fit in with this wonderfully coiffed group of people who wore nice slacks, high heels, and pearl necklaces to the Open House. Some mornings I don't even brush my hair -- and some of those days are a work day.

Then the principal spoke. I loved his accent. But I am not sure what he said. Then they introduced all the teachers. All. Teachers, assistants, student teachers...all. I don't need to know it. And I don't remember them.

After all that we were invited to visit the teachers in their classrooms. Ladybug's teacher had a whole presentation planned. So we sat and listened. She was very good. But I could have (and would have) read it all in the folder she handed out. I think all of what she said was in the folder.

Then Ladybug took me to the music room. And announced she would like to learn the drums. No real surprise. But if that wasn't allowed (and currently it is not) she would like the piano. Drums are looking more and more like a possibility. And then we went to the art room. Where I found out that my sweet, precious, wonderful little girl has been pushing the limits. Requiring lots of redirection, instruction, and attention. Until yesterday. Yesterday she became a different child. She not only followed all the rules, she went above and beyond the call of duty. She took initiative and helped without being asked. I LIKE THAT!

So, if I move (when I move?) and I live in a small rural town, I will get involved in PTA. But if I am here again next year, I will not be going to open house. I missed an evening of braiding. And I have lots of braiding to do with this style.

Mean Mama

half a dozen

Day 1 of a 6 day week is done.

Yesterday:
Worked 9-5 (with child in tow -- movies and portable DVD player are a wonderful thing)
grocery shopping
laundry (not yet folded)
dishes (not yet put away)
some hair (more to do still)

On the agenda for today:
Work 9-5 (don't kill the "blow sunshine up your ass" co-worker while the other one is on vacation)
cook a real dinner (nothing prepackaged)
make lunches for tomorrow
more hair (still won't finish - tiny braids - will post pic when it is complete)
fold laundry
put clean dishes away
pay bills
figure out what is on the agenda for Tuesday

If I am to survive this week I must go to bed earlier. I must get sleep. So I can play nice.

Mean Mama

9/11 -- a day late

Nine years ago on 9/11, I got up and went to work like I normally do. There was nothing special about the day. At the time I ran a shelter. I had the morning house meeting and organized the day. I helped a few residents resolve a problem. I did a little paperwork. Then I got in my car and drove to the main office.

As I stood in the lobby, waiting for the elevator a random person commented that we had been attacked. Attacked by who? Terrorists. Where?

In reality, i expected to hear a foreign military base. Or an embassy. Because we can't be touched on American soil in this country. It wasn't arrogance in that we were untouchable. It was more ignorance in, well, how would they get here?

Here? Here, where? NYC. What? Did not compute. I flashed back to images of Oklahoma City. I remember skipping through the channels with OKC happened and seeing the images and assuming that it was the middle east. Because, again, it couldn't possibly be American soil. right? NYC?? How?

When I walked into the office, my co-workers had pulled out the TV and had it on. It didn't matter what channel. And just a few minutes after walking into the office, Tower One collapsed. I think I stood there for about 20 minutes with my chin on the floor. There were no words. Because it wasn't real. I lived in a world where this didn't happen. I could not process it.

As the day unfolded I wondered if we would ever recover. We did. But life was never the same again. I did not know anybody who died that day. I was not personally touched. But I was personally affected. My life changed. Just like everyone else that day.

It is a day I will remember for the rest of my life.

Mean Mama

dumb mama moment

We were in the middle of the grocery store today. Walking down an aisle. After a long day of work. Yes! On a Sunday! When a thought occurs to me. I spoke with my mom last night and she told me that she had to put down her 18 year old cat. It was just time.

So I am in the grocery store with Ladybug after she has spent 9-5 in my office coloring and watching movies while I make a feeble attempt to catch up with some work, and I casually tell her that Alana died yesterday.

Really? How stupid could I be?

Yes, she burst into tears. I held her. Rocked her. As she wailed and cried that a part of her family had died.

Location. Location. Location.

Mean Mama

Making the cut

Just got the email. I made the cut. I will be one of the people they do second interviews with.

OH MY!!!!

Mean Mama

Good days

This is what mamahood dreams are made of...

She got up in a good mood. She wanted cuddle time. She got dressed in her school picture outfit (despite not wanting to). She went off to school without a fuss. She had a good day at school (got the happy frog on the behavioral chart). She came out of the after school program with smiles (and a big sign that said "Stephanie" -- which is not her name. But I have learned to pick my battles). She joked with me. She laughed with me. She smiled with me. So we went out for pizza. We played 2 games of Go Fish (and I actually managed to win one). She had a meltdown when her balloon unicorn popped but she did adjust. She helped make her bed (peed the bed the night before because I did not supervise bedtime routing - bad mama). She read books. She wore her head scarf with only a little fuss. She wanted cuddle time.

Please please please send me more days like that.

Mean Mama

Racial Profiling

I just made my last trip to Walmart. Okay I am not a big Walmart fan in general. I mean, I use to be able to find what I needed for cheap there so even though I didn't like the politics I still went. But Walmart changed the stores about a year ago and now I can't ever find what I need (or want). So I basically stopped going. And I felt less guilty because I knew I should be supporting local business instead of big business.

But I went today. Actually I went because I needed to print off 2 photos for Ladybug's annual report. But there self serve photo machines were all down. Yes, ALL! So while I was there I decided that I should pick up a few hair care products for myself. I have more products then I know what to do with but there are all for Ladybug. I only have what I need for me and they are running low. And the products make caring for my hair quick and easy. Since dealing with Ladybug's hair is complicated and time consuming I really need my stuff to be simple. So I grabbed my gell and spray and waiting in the checkout lane.

I was waiting behind all the stay at home moms and retired folks who do their shopping at 11am on a Wednesday (yes I snuck out fo the office to do a few personal things) so I had plenty of time to people watch. And what caught my eye was the "greeter" at the front door. She was there when I walked in and she stopped a customer right before me. As I watched the front door I noticed that she moved to the exit door every once in a while. She would ask to see the receipt of a few customers, look in their bag, and then move back to the entrance door.

She didn't do this for every person. Just the black ones.

Now this town is not very racially diverse. Two months ago I moved from a town that was 40% African American so anything less feels not very racially diverse. There are lots of African Americans in this town, it just feels like less then I am use to.

As I stood waiting for my time to pay, I saw her stop 3 African American women as they were leaving the store. I saw her stop zero white people. And as I walked out the door she stopped the African American man in front of me and then gave me a quick smile and let me walk out without a word.

I am ashamed to say, I did just that. Walk out with saying anything. I should have done something. Because apathy is a big part of any problem. I should have done something. Because I know they won't "feel" the fact that I no longer shop there.

Mean Mama

Quick update

Just a quick note to say that she woke up completely compliant. Pleasant. Nice. And happy.

Thank you!

I don't know what did it. Being sent to bed early? Being called on her behavior? Getting to sleep with me all night because she peed to bed (it is my fault since I did not make sure she went potty before I sent her to bed early. I just couldn't deal with it last night so I let her sleep with me instead.)?

I want to know what worked because I want to be able to do it again. But I almost don't care as long as she is happy and nice.

Here's hoping for a good day all day...

Mean Mama

UGHHHHHHH

Another bad day with the mini one.

No. No. No. It is all she says to me. And she argues about everything. And I want it to stop. Please!

We got home from the park yesterday. She fell asleep on the ride home. So I woke her up and told her we were home. She looked around and said, "No we aren't." Look out the window kid!

She asked if I was mad at her today because she got a bad report from her teacher. I said no -- and I really wasn't, I just needed time to figure out how to deal with it. She told me I was mad. Crossed her arms across her chest. HMPHed. And gave me a dirty look.

I fixed dinner and called her to the table. She took one look at the meal and announced, "I didn't ask for this and I am not going to eat it."

I told her we needed to go upstairs and fold our clean clothes. She said no.

While folding the clothes I was trying to tell her something nice that the after school counselor had said about her today. I said, "Do you know what John said about you today." Tossing clothes around she said, "Who is John?" "The counselor." "His name isn't John!" "Are you sure? I swear his name tag said John." "It's not John!" "Okay, then what is it?" "I don't know!"

How can she know it is not John when she has no idea what it is????

And more importantly...why does she have to argue about everything? Why??? Why??? Why???

In her defense I guess I should explain that she has previously been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder. She is a sensory seeker. She seeks feelings. She likes to spin. She does not get dizzy. Ever. She likes to bounce. Endlessly. She likes to crash. She likes her clothes tight. She must must must touch everything. Always. She can't sit still. Rocks. Changes positions -- her favorite is upside down.

And now she seems to be branching out. Seeking high impact emotions. She must be deliriously happy. Or uncontrollable sobbing. Or angry. And since she can't maintain that on her own she tries to pull me in with her. And it is working.

Only I am not a sensory seeker.

Mean Mama

distracting car

About 2 months ago I was driving Ladybug to school. Normal activity. As I drove to the neighboring town I noticed a car coming toward me. Another normal activity. But there was something odd about this car. It looked like it was covered with a million post its.

Yes. Post its.

But that isn't possible. It was flapping in the breeze. Yes. Flapping. So I kept an eye on it as it approached me. And then I realized it wasn't covered in post its. It was covered with duct tape.

Yes. Duct tape.

Every. Single. Inch. Of the car. Except for the windows and tires. I am not joking. And I am not exaggerating. And some of the duct tape was coming loose and flapping in the breeze. As I drove by it I thought, "Nobody will every believe me." It is moments like that I wished I carried a camera with me. So it is just a tall tale with nothing to back it up.

Today as we were rushing off to the movies with Ladybug, I saw it again. Parked. And I had my camera. And I wanted to stop. Proof! But if I did we would be late for the movie. And I hate being late for movies. I like the previews. So I didn't stop to take a photo. And the car was gone when we drove home.

So still a tall tale with no proof.

Mean Mama

Lesson learned

So after last week's hair fiasco one would think that maybe one of us has learned a lesson. I took her scissors away. I don't trust that she won't cut again. But yesterday morning she came up to my room again. Yes it was a Sunday. Again. Yes I was still sleeping. Again. Yes she was acting sweet. Again. And she asked for the scissors.

Now I know that any sane parent would not have hesitated before saying -- NO!. But as you are likely aware by now, I am not sane. So I hesitated in my response. At which point she explained she needed the scissors because she was making me a picture. The night before I had bought her a coloring roll. This is like a coloring book only all the pages are on a large roll of paper. She had colored one for me and she wanted to cut it off for me.

AWWWW. How sweet. And since the scissors were laying on my bedside table, I handed them to her. And as she ran out of my room I yelled, "No hair!" and she yelled back, "I know, Mama!" And I went back to sleep.

And when I got up I found 4 (yes 4!) neatly snipped scissor holes in her pajama top.

UGH

Lesson learned. No scissors. Ever. For any reason. Unless I am present (mind, body, and spirit).

It is so important that I learn these lessons. It is probably less important that she does.

Mean Mama

Dietary Restrictions

With Ladybug starting school this year I was looking forward to having a little more control over her diet. In daycare all of her food was provided by the program. It was balanced. And fairly healthy. But the girl can eat. So I was hoping of gaining the control.

Ladybug is lactose intolerant. She is not allergic to dairy. When she first came home she was really lactose intolerant. The first day I had her while in Ethiopia I gave her a bottle of milk. I was told I had to if she was going to be in my care. So at 4pm I was a good little girl and filled her bottle. She took it and started drinking. At 4:10 she pooped. A lot. It blew out of the diaper. So I changed her diaper and her clothes. And as I was putting a new one on her, she blew out another one. The next day the same think happened.

I wasn't uneducated. I knew that people of African descent are more prone to dairy problems. So I talked to the nurse at the orphanage and told her I thought my little one was lactose intolerant and I would like her taken off dairy for the remainder of her time in the orphanage. She said no. She told me she had no problems with dairy but that Ladybug was scared because I am white.

Pause...

Choose your battles. I said nothing. But when I got home I took her off dairy completely. Eventually I was able to add most dairy back into her diet. Except for milk. She still does lactose free milk.

And lately I have discovered that she is also gluten intolerant. It is not serious. But she is a carb baby. Anything carb she wants. But it makes her bloat. Seriously bloat. She can look 6 months pregnant after a high gluten meal. And that is disturbing to see on a 5 year old. So I have tried to limit her gluten intake on days at home. We have both decided that gluten bread is gross so we refuse to give up regular bread. However, she has found some nice gluten free cereals and she loves the gluten free crackers.

I have been packing her lunches and snacks this week. Ham and cheese sandwich, carrots, strawberries, lactaid milk and a treat for lunch. Juice, cheese and crackers (nut based), peach, and trail mix for the 2 snacks (yes 2 -- one at school in the afternoon and one at the after school program).

And then today I got a note home from school. There is a child in her class that has some severe allergies. Dairy. Eggs. Nuts. We must restrict what we bring into the school. No milk. No cheese. Nothing with eggs. No nut products. So of my current lunch and snacks I must eliminate cheese, milk, the crackers, and the trail mix. Really??

Okay, I am not interested in killing another kid. This kid has severe allergies. That is not something to play around with. But what am I going to feed this girl. And I need to figure it out tonight. So I can pack her lunch.

Mean Mama