nerves

I am nervous.  And hopeful.  And scared out of my mind.

Ladybug met with the psychiatrist today.  And for the most part things went well.  She showed her true self.  And the psychiatrist (who Ladybug calls Dr. Swiper - after Dora - because she can't pronounce her last name) says that Ladybug does not need meds at this time.  She said she wouldn't rule it out in the future just yet but she would not take that approach first.  It makes me happy that she is not rushing to medicate my child.  That is a good thing.  She says Ladybug is smart -- maybe too smart.  She says Ladybug has attachment issues but at the same time shows real signs of wanting to fully attach.  She says that Ladybug is emotional and might have anger/rage issues.  She says that Ladybug is very open to therapy and would likely benefit from it quickly -- more so then most kids she sees.  So it is back to therapy on Monday with Miss Kitty (okay not her real name but I will remember it).  Despite the fact that I am spending a boat load of money I do not have, I am happy with my choices around this so far.

That was the hopeful part.

The nervous part is ... I have a job interview in the morning.  I hate job interviews.  I hate selling myself.  I hate it.  Look, here is the deal.  I am good.  I can do the job or I wouldn't have applied.  And you will not regret hiring me.  And if I suck, I promise to quit.  1 minute.  I could do that kind of job interview.  But alas I am sure that is not how it will go.  It will be a phone interview.  9:30am.  Luckily the bosses are out of town so I can do this without their knowledge on short notice.  My understanding is there will be more than one person on the other end of the phone -- no pressure there.  It would be a rather significant pay cut for me.  And since money is already tight I have to seriously consider if I can handle it financially.  One of the options I am considering (and I am open to any random stranger's opinion on this) is cashing in my IRA, paying off my credit cards, paying a large chunk on my car loan and then refinancing the rest of it, and then maybe I can afford the lower salary.  Maybe. Do I really want to start fresh with saving for retirement at age 40 + something?   I need to do more research on things like cost of living in that area (rent, heat, etc).  I need to figure out summer camps and after school. 

All this makes my heart beat faster than it should.

Mean Mama

Diagnosis

Ladybug met the new therapist last week. 

I am more impressed with her now.  She did research on her own to see if there is anybody in the area that is more qualified to help us.  I like that.  It makes me more confident that she is the right person.  I also like that again she validated what I was going through.  She was concerned about the school counselor workshop.  She was concerned that the school refused to entertain the idea of an IEP.  But most importantly, Ladybug liked her.  And she is excited about going back to see her.  She was comfortable talking to her alone.  I don't know how things went exactly.  We have another appointment scheduled for next week.  The counselor said we would talk after that.  And she also said, "I got some interesting things from her."  It still feels like we are on the right path.

And today I met with the psychiatrist.  I am considering the option of medication.  I am open to it if it is the right decision.  I am not interested in it if it is the easy decision.  One meeting.  She still needs to meet Ladybug.  She has talked to me.  She has talked to the therapist (same practice).  She has reviewed all the notes.  She is concerned that Ladybug may have an attachment issue.  Finally.  She is also concerned about possible ADHD and rage issues.  As she put it, "It really as if your daughter refuses to allow herself be parented."

Yep, that about sums it up.

Mean Mama

Girls Love Your Curls

I found this woman on Youtube a while ago.  I love her series.  She is on a break right now because she has recently given birth.  She has inspired me to try to make my own hair (and skin) moisturizer.

Watch.  Listen.  Consider the options.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtYSAuXaJTE

Mean Mama

Mother and Child

I watched a movie on Netflix last night -- instant play on the computer (with headphones) in an attempt to avoid watching Toy Story 3 for the millionth time.  I have had embarrassingly bad luck with movie choices lately so I did not have a lot of faith in my movie choice this time.

I picked Mother and Child.  I recognized almost every actress in the movie and yet I can not remember the name of any of them at the moment.  All very good actresses.  Oh, and Jimmy Smits was in it.  And I was completely surprised that for the first time ever I did not find him uncontrollably sexy.  But that is besides the point.

The movie follows 3 apparently unconnected women.  A 50 something year old woman who gave birth as a teenager and gave the child up for adoption.  A 30 something year old woman who is an adult adoptee.  And a professional woman who has decided to become a mother through adoption.  All members of the triad are represented.  And I have say that I was impressed.  With the script and the acting.  I think they did an excellent job portraying the how adoption can affect a life. 

I was annoyed with their inability to keep a proper time line.  When the movie opens the potential adoptive mother meets with a potential birth mother.  The birth mother is about 6 months pregnant.  At the beginning of the movie the adoptee meets and starts dating a new guy.  And yet the 2 women end of up giving birth right around the same time.  Really?  I mean, even if one is late and the other is premature we are talking about a huge gestation period issue.  And then at the end of the movie they do a one year gap before they wrap up the movie.  And the show one of the babies that was born.  But that "baby" is a toddler.  Or the biggest, most developed, most advanced 1 year old I have ever seen. 

But what struck me this morning was the adoptee.  I don't want to spoil the movie for anybody who might still want to see it.  But I will say, I woke up thinking, "I wonder if that is what attachment disorder looks like all grown up?"  No lasting relationships.  No ability to connect. No compassion for how your behaviors might affect others.  I don't want that for my girl.  I don't want her to be alone and hard and calculating as an adult. 

And that is why.  That is why we go through this.  Each step.  Painstakingly.  Through every step of the issues. So she has a shot at a normal life as an adult.

Mean Mama

little break throughs

Some of the words that Ladybug hates (and hate is not really a strong enough word here) include "please" "thank you" and "I'm sorry."  She not only refuses to use them, but she is proud of herself when she manages to get what she wants without using those kinds of words.  As a matter of fact, I heard her telling a random dad at the park yesterday that she hates those words and refuses to use them.  Luckily this was a smart dad (and not a smart ass dad) and he addressed the issue immediately.

Today Ladybug and I were playing around and she got upset with me.  So she started screaming at me.  I tried to get her to chill out without making it a big deal.  But she wanted it to be a big deal.  She screamed louder at me.  And louder until finally I shut her down.  I told her it was completely unacceptable for a child to ever yell at a parent like that.  She sulked away and sat and stared at me.  I am not sure if she was giving me a dirty look (but I am assume she was) because I refused to look at her.  Oh, I could see her out of the corner of my eye but I did not want her to know I was paying attention to her.  I let her sit there and think.

Now normally that is not a good thing.  Normally she would just stew.  And the anger would just grow.  It would set up a blow out.  But she has been fairly even keel lately.  She has been willing to communicate -- albeit not linear thought.  So I let her stew.  What would she do?  Could she regulate herself?  Could she get it right?

After about 5 minutes she came over to where I was sitting.  She leaned her head against my shoulder.  And she said, "Mama, I am sorry I yelled at you."  And she meant it.  It was in her voice.  So I made it a ridiculous celebration.  I hugged her.  I smiled.  I told her how proud of her I was.  I told her it was the best day ever. And it a lot of ways, it was.  She smiled and giggled and basked in the glory of my pride.

And then she told me that I forgot to kiss the top of her head.  Apparently I always kiss the top of her head when she comes to lean on my shoulder.  So apparently she does seek out my love and affection.

Mean Mama

back in the saddle

I have not forgotten that I am suppose to be job hunting.  So I can move.  I look through all the ads.  I have more bookmarked job site websites then I could begin to think about.  I look.  But there is nothing.  So I decided to expand my places.  And still I can't find anything. 

And then this week I found 2 job possibilities.  They are both in the same town.  The town is about 3 hours away from the town my mom lives in.  Not ideal but still so much better.  It would also put me about 7 hours from my father.  Which is pretty good too.  It would be so nice to be a short drive away from family -- instead of 2 days.  And bonus is that it would put me one town away from my best friend from college.  Actually one of the jobs I am applying for is her job.  She just got a new job so I am applying for hers. 

Both jobs are ones I am capable of doing.  Both jobs I can afford to live on -- although neither is a raise from my current job.  Both jobs would allow me to be closer to family, friends, and supports.  Both jobs would allow me to check on one of my "to do" items on my list.  Both jobs would remove one stress from my life. 

Fingers crossed.  And if I get one of the jobs, fingers crossed that I can figure out how to actually make the move.

Mean Mama

Sometimes I hear things

On Monday I was exhausted.  I could not stay awake.  I was so tired that if I had to stay awake for 5 more minutes I was going to start crying.  So I bribed the kid.  I promised her Dancing With The Stars if she took a nap with me.  I know bribing is not the best form of parenting.  But it is affective.  Short term.  But she took the bait.  And we slept.  For hours.  It felt so good.

So she got Dancing With The Stars.  And once it was over I sent her to bed.  Only she had slept for hours in the afternoon.  So for the next couple of hours I just yelled up threats to her.  Nothing worked.  Oh, no worries...I followed through on every threat.  But I was hoping she would just go to bed.  She didn't.  Until about 1am.

On Tuesday morning I got up and started to walk down the stairs.  Now, I know I need to vacuum.  Especially the stairs which always seems to be on the back burner.  And it was morning, so I was surprised I noticed anything.  But I noticed that the stairs seemed to be shedding.  The carpet on the stairs, to be exact.  So I stopped and asked Ladybug about it.  The look on her face told me she knew something but her mouth was not moving.  Eventually she pointed to a little corner of the carpet at the top of the stairs.  Apparently while she was refusing to go to sleep the night before she used her time to pick at the carpet, thread by thread, and threw the pieces down the stairs.  Perfect!  Great!

Tuesday night came.  I put her in bed.  I read her a story.  She promised to sleep.  I had not made her nap.  And yet I spent the next couple of hours yelling up threats to her...again.  Just go to sleep!  I never got a response from her.  She didn't say anything at all.  But I heard her.  I heard her moving through her room.  I heard her playing.  I heard it.  Why why why was my threats not working?

When I went to bed I checked on her.  She was sound asleep.  Knocked out.  And as I watched her sleep for a few minutes I realized something.  Earlier in the day, in attempt to clean out the smell in her room, I had opened her windows.  The windows were open but the shades were closed.  And as I watched her the shades moved.  And made noises.  The same noises that made it sound like she was playing in her room.  She had been asleep the whole time.  And I was apparently threatening the window.

Mean Mama

Dealing with Stress

 On Sunday, after not having such a great day, I ended the day with 7 goals for Monday.

1. Finish her hair
2. Go to doctor for blood lab work
3. Go to bank to at least temporarily resolve the financial issues
4. Therapy (the stress of introducing Ladybug and paying for it)
5. Call someone to fix the dryer
6. Do laundry (one way or another)
7. Clean house (so I am not embarrassed to have someone come into my house to fix the dryer)

So I thought I would give you an update.

1.  I finished her hair.  I don't like it.  She can't wear her bike helmet.  And it is not going to last long.  So I will start the process of the hanging twists again soon.  I think they will be smaller this time -- which means more to do.  And I need to be better about caring for them.

2.  I went to the doctor for my lab work.  I am such a baby about needles and having blood drawn.  But Ladybug is standing there.  Watching the whole thing.  I don't even watch the process.  She might actually be a doctor some day.  And then I remembered that I needed to refill my medication -- the reason for the blood work.  Which is where found the photo in my previous post.

3.  I went to the bank.  I deposited the money I had.  I cashed some savings bonds.  I have the ability to make it through to the next paycheck.

4.  Therapy is done.  I met with her first.  I told her about the school counselor.  She told me I can go to the workshops but I am not to even attempt in any way whatsoever to use them on Ladybug.  She was also not surprised I encountered resistance from the school in seeking an IEP.  What I loved was the feeling of being validated.  She saw what I was saying.  And she had a plan.  She also did some research to make sure that she was the right person to help me.  She found another therapist in the area that might be better.  She gave me the information and asked me to research the group myself.  And then she met Ladybug for the first time.  They went off together and chatted.  Ladybug liked her -- I am not surprised.  All the therapist told me is that she got lots of interesting stuff.  We are scheduled to talk in 2 weeks.  Next week both Ladybug and I meet with the psychiatrist.

5.  On Monday I did not call to have someone fix my dryer.  I was afraid.  I didn't know who to call.  I researched online and that only made me more confused.  And then I had an idea.  I went down to my complex office and talked to my friend (a friend manages the complex).  She gave me the name of a person I could trust.  I called him this morning at 9:30am.  He was at my door at 11am.  And my dryer was fixed at 11:30am.  And he cut me a break financially.  Now I need to get busy doing laundry.

6.  I did not do laundry yesterday.  I did do laundry today.  It is not done yet.  But I am doing a lot.  Linens...

7.  I did not clean the house yesterday.  I did not even fake it.  But after the phone call to the dryer man, I got busy.  I cleaned the laundry room -- kind of important.  And half the kitchen -- didn't get to the floor.  I sprayed down Ladybug's room -- it stank.  Ladybug cleaned the downstairs bathroom and her bathroom sink -- she asked if she could help.  The kitchen floor needs to be cleaned, the living room is desperate, and I need to finish bedrooms.

1. So my goals for tomorrow include:
2. clean kitchen floor
3. clean living room
4. bills
5. sign Ladybug up for summer camp
6. give stuff to good will
7. get the recycling out of the house
8. finish the laundry
9. get out summer clothes
10. start new hair style on Ladybug

Big dreams.  But how else do I get things done? 

Mean Mama

Stress

I hear that a little stress is good for you.  Stress is what makes us do things.  Not all stress is negative.

But my stress level today was close to  -- paralyzing.  At the very least it had reached the "unhealthy" level.

I woke up knowing that I needed to get a grip on my finances.  I have started this process.  And it has only led to more stress.  Because I am now more in tune with my finances.  This week I have kept a close eye on it.  So now I am acutely aware that I have NO money.  But I needed to jump online today and see exactly what my balance is.  I sat here.  I had the computer on my lap.  But I could not bring myself to pull up the website.  The longer I sat here the faster my heart beat.  My breath became shallow.  My palms started to sweat.  This is not a blind date!  I could never handle a blind date.  Way too stressful.  So eventually I got online because my chest felt terrible.

Pulling up the website did not help the heart rate or the breathing.  My balance?  $211.  That is not good.  I get paid once a month.  On the last day of the month.  And most of bills have not been paid yet this month.  What was I going to do?

I took a shower.  And while there I thought.  Sometimes my best thinking is in the shower.  It use to be when I ran but I don't run anymore.  And I decided that I need to cash in a few bonds.  I only have a few left (unless I count the ones for Ladybug).  I am hesitant to use them.  But I need to pay bills.  I need to stop using next months money to pay this month.  I need to buy groceries.  And I won't even tell you how much I need to spend in therapy this month.  Once out of the shower I get back online and determine which bonds are getting cashed.  Problem solved.  Hopefully.

Then I go grocery shopping.  I decide that I need to buy the food on my credit card.  Because I have $211.  We go through the store buying food.  I am trying to shave off money from my normal bill.  But Ladybug is home for spring break this week.  All meals are mine.  So I buy cheap this week.  So that means no fresh produce.  No fresh meats.  I am pretty sure all I bought is junk.  And I am sure that will do wonders for my stress level.  The groceries get rung up and I have spent nearly $40 less then week then I normally do.  That is a good savings.  But I am not looking forward to the meals.  And then I swipe the credit card and hold my breath.  My credit card company has started shutting off accounts if you are one day late paying.  I know I paid it.  I know the check cleared my account.  But I am still nervous.  Approved!  But it takes a while for my breathing and heart rate to return to normal.

When I got home I put away my groceries.  And threw the laundry in.  Ladybug swears she did not pee the bed.  And it is not wet.  Or discolored.  But it smells like pee.  So I decided to not only do all my regular Sunday laundry (I typically do it all in one day) but also her linens.  First load done and I throw it in the dryer.  I turn it on.  And it doesn't sound right.  Upon further inspection I discover that the dryer is turning on but it is not really functioning.  The drum is not rotating.  It is getting hot.  But I worry about it getting hot with the drum not rotating.  So now I need a new dryer.  Or new to me dryer.  Or get it repaired.  Off to craigslist.  And need to find a local laundromat.  I am almost out of clean underwear.  And definitely out of the ones that are comfortable to wear.  I drape the linens around my kitchen.

Then it is hair time.  She whines.  And yells.  And screams.  And asks if it is almost done -- after 5 seconds.  But I plod along.  Just get it done.  Anything.  I am 2/3 of the way done when I realize that I just don't like it.  It just doesn't look pretty.  And I am sure it won't last long.  But she is at her limit.  And I am not doing well.  If she goes off, I will lose it.  My tolerance is very low.  So I stop.  Maybe I will like it more tomorrow.  Maybe I will finish it tomorrow.

Tomorrow -- first day of spring break -- the chores include:

1. Finish her hair
2. Go to doctor for blood lab work
3. Go to bank to at least temporarily resolve the financial issues
4. Therapy (the stress of introducing Ladybug and paying for it)
5. Call someone to fix the dryer
6. Do laundry (one way or another)
7. Clean house (so I am not embarrassed to have someone come into my house to fix the dryer)

Sorry, Ladybug.  Not a very fun first day of spring break.

Mean Mama

End of a style

On March 19th I put a million hanging twists in Ladybug's hair.  Okay... that is a slight exaggeration.  For the first 2 weeks I was really good about styling it and moisturizing it.  At the end of week 1 and week 2 I even re-twisted ones that needed some work.

But then on week 3 I got lazy.  I justified it.  I intended to take it out at the end of the week so I didn't need to worry so much about it.  So I "forgot" to moisturize it.  And I let it hang in her face more days.  But at the end of week 3 she had a sleep over.  Hair tends to be an all weekend event.  So I didn't get to it.  And now as we reach the end of week 4, it is looking a little ratty.

 

 

Obviously hair needs to be a priority.  I have been trying to think of a new style.  Ladybug is pretty sure she wants the same style.  Either way it is a long process.  I have to untwist all those, moisturize, wash, moisturize, comb, moisturize, and style.

Good thing it is spring break.

Mean Mama

Learning on the fly

First I would like to say that whatever this is that is going on with Ladybug is keeping me alert.  It challenges me.  I makes me make decisions quickly.  I makes me emotional.  And it makes for some interesting stories.  My life would be so boring without her (and her issues) -- but some days I could stand some boredom.

Ladybug was having a decent day yesterday.  A few minor issues at school.  A few rude remarks at home.  A ridiculous level of energy.  But overall good.  She had homework that required the use of my computer - her teacher has educational games on a website and sometimes she is suppose to play them.  So I gave up my beloved computer for a while.  I let her sit next to me and play a game...while I finished up my taxes.

When she had 15 minutes left to play, I told her.  She cheerfully said okay.  When she had 5 minutes left to play, I told her.  She cheerfully said okay.  When I told her it was time to shut down, she had fireworks.  She pushed the computer away.  She "ARRRGGGGG!"  She stomped out of the room.  I called her back.  She turned and walked back to me.  She had the ugly, evil, hateful look on her face.  That face that says "watch this lady, cause you haven't seen anything yet!"  I told her to take a deep breath.  So she pursed her lips. 

Soft, gentle, caring was not going to work.  I told her to wipe the look off her face.  No matter what she was feeling she had no right to treat me that way.  She looked at me like I must be kidding.  I told her to be angry.  I told her to feel whatever she was feeling.  But she was not allowed to give me dirty looks.  And she had to go brush her teeth and get in her pajamas.  She turned on her heel and went.

Really?  That is all it took?

So I decided to push my luck. 

When she came down when she wasn't in a better mood.  But she looked like she was.   So I called her over.  I pulled her onto my lap.  I cradled her in my arms like a baby.  And she let me.  So I asked her what she was hoping for when she acts like that.  She said she was angry.  Good!  Proper identification of an appropriate emotion.  I asked her how she was hoping I would do because she got angry.  At which point she yelled at me, "I HATE YOU!"

And I calmly said "I know."  So she repeated it.  "I HATE you."  And I said "I understand."  So she said "I hate you."  And I said "Great."

And then she looked up at me.  Smiled.  And farted.  Then broke into giggles.  And I was just grateful it was a fart and not vomit.

Mean Mama

work ethic

I have always been a bit of a work-a-holic.  I mean until Ladybug came into my life it was all I really had.  And I had a job I was passionate about.  But when I decided to become a mom, I decided to get a less passionate job.

I like my job.  I understand I have a good job.  My boss is flexible.  And generous.  And easy going.  I have a good salary (not great, but good).  I have plenty of vacation (5 weeks a year).  I get insurance (crappy but still have insurance).  If I need to take off early or disappear in the middle of the day, I can. 

Please understand I am talking about Big Boss.  Mini is a whole different story (and these days it is a long scary, almost comical story).

But lately Big has been unavailable.  He is busy.  Lots of court.  Lots of meetings.  Lots of clients.  But we are having a hard time getting time with him (both me and the other paralegal).  He goes to lunch -- and to walk his dogs -- and doesn't come back until his next appointment.  It makes it hard to run a law office.  I need to discuss the ridiculous clients we have.  I need to get answers -- because legally I am not allowed to give advise to a client.  I need him to tell me what to do -- not that I don't tell him what he should tell me what to do. 

His schedule is so busy that I finally made an appointment with him.  Yep, put it right on the calendar.  Scheduled time for me to review a case.  For last Friday 10am-noon.  I blocked out 2 hours of time -- which turned out to be a good thing because by the time Friday rolled around I needed to talk about more than 1 case, more than 2 cases,... a bunch.

So at 10am last Friday I waited for him to come to the office.  I waited...waited...waited.  Finally at 11:15am I called him at home and asked if he was coming to work.  I was concerned.  I mean, I NEEDED to talk to him.  And I had a 2pm doctor appointment so I could not just wait around all day.  He said he would be to work in 15 minutes.  So I waited some more.

He showed up at noon and I followed him to his office.  But.... yes, there has to be a "but" because the story can't possibly end here...he told me he needed to do something first, before he could give me time.  Of course.  No priority here.  Why would I have something important to discuss with him?  I mean, I made an appointment.  I called him at home.  Nothing important.  But I waited...again.

Finally a 1pm (the time that I was scheduled to leave for the day) he came into my office.  I had already canceled my doctor appointment.  Which sucked because that meant I had to cancel a second doctor appointment -- the first has to happen before the second.  I decided that work was important enough to do cancel my personal business.  But he did come into my office.  He dropped some paperwork on my desk, asked me to take care of it, and turned to leave.  At which point I said....

SIT!

I don't care that he is my boss.  I NEEDED to talk to him. 

And, surprisingly, he sat.  I kept him there for 1.5 hours.  He kept looking at his watch.  He kept telling me he needed to leave.  I kept discussing cases.  I let him go when I was ready to let him go.  When I had enough information to move a few cases forward. 

And his rush to get out of the office?????  He was going to the beach for the weekend.  UUUGGGHHHHH!

I stayed another hour -- doing real work.  And then took the weekend to remind me that he is my boss and I should watch my step.

Mean Mama

Taxes

For the last 4 years I have been knocking on the IRS door as soon as tax time came around.  You see I adopted in 2006.  And my tax liability sucks so each year I got to claim a portion of the tax credit.  I wanted my money.  So I would complete all the forms and wait for my refund.  This is year 5.  The tax credit could be extended out for 5 years until it was all used up.  This year was my last.

But then the IRS and to up and change things.  The adoption tax credit has changed to an adoption tax refund.  I know several nice families who are getting very nice refunds because of this change.  Without the change they wouldn't have that refund.  So I am glad that they made the change.  For them.

But changing from a credit to a refund changed a few other things.  I now need to provide proof of my adoption.  Proof.  He adoption decree (in Amharic and English).  Her visa.  Her re-adoption decree.  Okay, I have all them.  And I even remembered where they were.  But now I am required to provide proof of my carry over.  My original credit was about for about $10,000.  I used some in 2006 and then carried the remaining over to 2007.  Rinse and repeat until you get to 2010.  They have just trusted my carryforward amount.  I say this is what I have.  No questions asked.  But with the refund I am not required to prove my carryforward.  I am now required to recreate the carryforward worksheets from 2006-2009.  Because I didn't keep them.  I just made a note in my taxes.  My carryforward for this year -- the last bit of adoption tax credit I have -- is $542.  I am doing a ton of work for $542 of a tax credit.

And yes, I am aware that it is April 12th.

Mean Mama 

Workshop: week 1

Before I get started ... on my rant (because we all know it is coming) ... I thought I would just say that I understand that play therapy is a valid form of therapy.  I do understand that many families could benefit from this.

But let's get started....

First, I was the only parent who showed up...for the first hour.  Another mom showed up 1 hour late...and it was over 10 minutes after that.  Second, I am not a freshman in college with no experience.  Don't treat me like I don't have a clue about human nature, parenting, development.  I have a BA is social work (not quite to the status of the Master's in counseling the leader has but still).  I have 24 years of working in crisis intervention.  I have 22 years of working in the sexual assault and domestic violence fields.  I have 4 years of experience working with teenage juvenile delinquents (mentally ill, drug addicts, aggression, sex offenders, etc).  I have 4 years of running a confidential domestic violence shelter.  I have 6 years of working for a family law attorney.  Treat me with the respect I have earned.  I just need help with my child.

So we started out by her asking me how therapy is going.  It is nice that she remembered.  And she seems to know the group of therapists I am using.  So I reminded her that I have been only that 1 time.  And that Ladybug will start next week.  At which point she adamantly said to me, "Why does she have to go?  There is no reason why she needs to see a therapist."  Yep, there it is again.  And all I can think is... I don't know if I can make it through an hour of this.  I decided to keep my mouth shut.

So the premise is that I spend 1/2 hour per week playing with my child.  One half hour?????  Done.  I mean.  daily.  And that it needs to be completely child led.  She gets to make all the decisions.  And I must watch until invited in.  Ummmmm.  Okay, why????  Because she spends all the time following other people's rules... teachers, me, after school program leaders, etc.  This is a time for her to be in control.  Should I remind her that she tries to steal control all the time?  I didn't.  But I am having serious concerns.  I mean, I have been reading about attachment issues and they seem to say the child gets no control (but that is entirely different post).  Is it wise to be using this method along with worrying about attachment?  But we continue on.

She gives me a list of toys I must get for her.  Like dolls, dollhouse, pots, markers, etc.  It continues until we get to the list of toys representing aggression.  I am suppose to provide her with toys that represent aggression?  Let's back up -- yes, I am speaking up -- have I told you about her aggression.  Biting, hitting, kicking, throwing things.  And you want me to give her aggressive toys.  Let's name a few: Bob pag (which I later found out was a typo and it was suppose to be a bop bag -- which she had at one point but had to get rid of because she beat it to tiny little pieces), toy guns, hand cuffs, toy swords, etc.  Ummmmm.  NO!  I will not have those toys in my house.  I will not provide them to her.  No.  No.  NO!  She says she understands and that Ladybug can "play with the ones we have at the school."  Okay.  What part of NO is not clear.  I do not -- repeat, do NOT -- want my child playing with those types of toys.  She has enough aggression.  I am trying to limit it.  At which point she tells me she needs to be given an avenue to get it out.  NO. NO.  NO.  She does not need to be encouraged to be aggressive.  She needs to be encouraged to handle it differently.  She needs to be encouraged to tap into her compassion and her empathy.  NO aggression toys.  Period.

I think she got it.

And my homework before the next workshop (yes, I agreed to go back) is to observe my child.  To watch her.  Listen to her.  Pay attention to her.  And discover something new about her that I never knew before.  Watch her and discover something about the child I never knew before?  Does she think I don't watch her 24/7.  Well, actually I don't...since I work.  I will try.  But I will be shocked (STUNNED) if I discover something new about her.  I mean, generally speaking my child is completely annoyed with me because I know her movements, her looks, her smiles.  She hates that she can't pull the wool over my eyes.

I don't have much faith... just in case I haven't been clear.

Mean Mama

Anniversary

Today is a special day for me.  It is my anniversary.  When I told a friend, her response was, "Of what?"  You see, I am single.  And haven't had a date in ... okay I am not willing to admit that.  So it is not that kind of anniversary.  It is not of "THE call" because that is in June.  It is not when I met Ladybug for the first time... that is in August.  It is not the death of my father ... that is June.  It is not when I moved in with my adoptive parents... that is July.  It is not when my adoption was finalized... that is September. 

So what could this all so important anniversary be?  You!  One year ago I created this blog and started blogging.  And unlike so many other projects in my life...I kept you alive.  One year of sharing my thoughts -- good, bad, or ridiculous.  And in that year I have posted 262 posts.  Wow!  I impress myself.

I don't know if I accomplished my original goal but I do think that I am generally happy with how it is going.  In this year I have gained 14 loyal followers -- at least 14 people who are willing to say so on the blog.  I have a regular reader from Farmville, North Carolina -- but I fear maybe he/she just likes my blog roll (although I hope you read my blog too).  I have someone who regularly checks in from Dubai -- which I had to look up on the map to figure out exactly where that is.  I seem to have a lot of readers in Indianapolis - which I find strange since I spent my first 14 years of life not far from there.  I have had a few "in real life" friends discover my blog and figure out who I am. 

I began this blog for me.  It is my site.  My thoughts.  My journey.  But I enjoy knowing others read it.  And I hope more people chose to leave comments to my random rantings.  Thank you for joining me this last year.  Hope you stick around for another year.

Having a drink to celebrate my anniversary.

Mean Mama

Double speak

When I finally got serious about seeking help for Ladybug I went to her school first.  I asked to meet with the counselor.  I didn't think she would be the right therapist but I hoped that she could point me in the direction of who might be good.  She pointed me in the direction of a school program.  Only problem was that they had recently lost all their funding.  So they would be of no help.

She then pointed me in the direction of some workshops.  She wanted me to go to an evening workshop on Positive Discipline.  I had a few issues with this.  First, it is evening.  I am single.  And I am also anti-social so I have nobody to watch my child.  And this is not about discipline...although I am not sure what it is about.  I didn't go.

Now she has invited me to a 6 week workshop.  This time it is during the day.  The day.  Haven't I mentioned that I work?  Mondays.  11am-12:30pm.   It is a class for parents about how to have successful play sessions with their children that accomplishes several things, including the child having one-on-one time; child feeling heard and appreciated; child seeing parent as wanting to develop a closer relationship (the child's perception, not that there isn't already a good relationship); helping the child become more cooperative due to the focused attention and the language.

Okay.  Am I paranoid?  Is the second time she has told me that this is all about me?  I am a bad parent.  Apparently.  But after some initial hesitation, I have decided to do it.  And my boss has given me permission.  I do have some worries about starting this program at the same as the therapy -- which starts in about 10 days.

But while I had her on the phone I let her know that I signed a release for her to talk with the new therapist.  She said she got a copy of the release.  And then she asked what I was hoping for from therapy.  What????  Isn't that how I got hooked up with her in the first place?  I don't know. Do you think they are going to lay out an entire plan after meeting with me for just an hour?  So I said -- may be looking ADHD or attachment or something like that.

And her response was...

Oh no.  I don't see that at all.  She is a perfectly normal child.  She is great.  I have met with her for about 5  or 6 weeks now.  I am very busy and I have a lot of kids to see each week but I make her a priority each week.  She is a perfectly normal child and she  has no real issues.

And there it is again.  I am the crazy one.  She is normal.  So I am crazy.  But wait...did I miss something?  My perfectly normal child is a priority for an extremely busy school counselor?  Why is my perfectly normal child a priority for her?  Oh wait... I know why this doesn't make sense to me ... I am the crazy one.

Mean Mama

Cuddle Time

If Ladybug does, in fact, have  an attachment issue I think I am screwing up on cuddle time.  She has a hard time with me initiating affection.  She wants it when she wants it and otherwise it is ...Get off of me, Mama!

But lately there are a couple of times that she wants it.  One is when we are watching TV.  She wants to cuddle up and hold my hand.  She wants to hold on to my arm.  But I am going to need some new furniture for this.  My living room -- the only place we have a TV (despite the fact that most American homes have 2-3 TVs on average) -- has a wooden rocking chair (where I sit) and a futon loveseat (where she rolls around -- because she is incapable of sitting still).

The rocking chair can not fit the 2 of us.  No way... no how.  Not even if I was a skinny minnie.  The futon is not a college remnant.  Really.  About 7 years ago I moved into an attic studio.  For about a year.  It was free.  It allowed me to quit my job and return to school full time.  It was temporary.  So I was willing to do it.  But before making all those arrangements, I forgot to measure my beloved bed.  It didn't fit up the stairs.  So I bought a futon.  And I slept on it for a year.  And when I moved I turned it into a couch.  But it is not a comfortable couch.  So I don't like to sit on it. 

So she asks for cuddle time and I don't always give it.  She looks at me with her arms and hands stretched out to me.  She sucks her bottom lip in and frowns.  She wants me.  So I need a new couch.  Or something.  So we can curl up with each other and cuddle.

The other time she is needing cuddle time is early morning.  Let's face it.  She is in my bed every night.  I can't get her out.  And at this point I have stopped trying.  She is a morning person.  I am not.  So about 1/2 hour before my alarm clock goes off she started touching me.  Soft tickles.  Which wakes me up.  She takes her little hands and gently touches my face.  Traces my lips.  Touches my eyes.  And I wake up.  And I shrug her off.  Partly because she is waking me up -- and I hate that.  But the other part is that she has spent the entire night scratching her butt (literally) with her hands and now she is rubbing them all over my face.  GROSS!

Mean Mama

Teacher conference

The second teacher conference of the year happened today.  The school year is 3/4 of the way over.  I had a major block to this conference.  Every time I realized it was this week it was like a new surprise to me.  And then I couldn't remember what day.  But luckily I showed up on the right day at the right time.

Her last 2 days at school have been rough.  Yesterday she got 7 of 11 checks.  Today she got 8 of 11.  But I was having a hard time reprimanding her.  Because her problems at school this week have been... talking.  Yes, talking.  I know this is important.  I know she needs to be quiet when she needs to be quiet.  I know it is disruptive.  I know it makes it difficult on the teachers and other students.  But let's look at the situation.  She wasn't hitting anybody.  She wasn't pushing anybody.  She wasn't yelling at anybody.  She didn't throw anything at anybody.  She wasn't being defiant.  She wasn't being disrespectful.  She didn't threaten to kill anybody.  Talking.

The good news... she is smart.  I know that.  And sometimes I think it is also the bad news.  She is above grade level in almost everything.  She reads above grade level.  Writes above grade level.  You get the picture.  Except for one thing.  Counting.  Well she can count by 2's to 20.  She can count by 5's to 95.  She can count by 10's to 90.  But she can not count past 39.  Which is where she was at the last teacher conference -- in October. 

And she thinks she is improving behaviorally as well. So all is well.

And then I had to do my homework.  The therapist wanted me to approach the school about getting an IEP for Ladybug.  Ask about the process.  Get their opinion.  So I asked.  And she responded -- smiling, upbeat, sweet, sugary...

"Oh you don't need that."  She doesn't think Ladybug is at that level.  She doesn't think it will be very helpful.  It is a long process -- might not even get on the list to discuss it until next year.  It is a lot of work.  Lots of people have to be involved.  It takes a lot of time to even set it up.  It is also hard on the teachers.  And not really all the extra effort they have to do.  Especially since she is "not all that bad."  She asked if I would be willing to put it off until next year and if things were still bad they could start the process.  I said I was willing to put it off until we have met with the therapist again.  And the psychiatrist immediately following that.

Only 2 more weeks until the next appointment.  We have had a decent week.  But I can feel it building again.  Not complete meltdowns.  But she has been ready to.  Which means she will soon.

Mean Mama

Toms: One for One

Today we went for a walk after school/work.  A walk for a cause.  This was to raise awareness and charity.  This was to get shoes.  Ladybug walked a mile (without shoes).  Actually she jogged it.  I walked a mile (with shoes).  And could not keep up with her.

Mean Mama

Interpretation required

Sometimes I just don't know what she is talking about.  It is clear to me that it is clear to her but I am lost.

This morning as I was handing Ladybug her cereal (Raisin Bran -- which she hates but insisted on getting) this is the conversation we had:

Ladybug: Mama, where is the gee?
Mama: The what?
Ladybug: The gee.
Mama: (completely lost) What are you talking about?
Ladybug: The GEE.
Mama:  I hear you.  I just don't understand.  What is a gee?
Ladybug.  You know.  A gee.
Mama: (the only thing I can think of) In the alphabet?
Ladybug: Oh. Ok.

I didn't ask anything further.  Sometimes it is best to quit while I am ahead ... even is I am clueless as to how I got ahead.

Mean Mama

On my toes

She is doing a good job of keeping me on my toes.  She believes that motherhood is best when I overcome challenges.  So she is throwing them at me.  Left and right.  Leaving me a little off balanced -- and this has nothing to do with the inner ear infection that is literally keeping me off balanced.

She goes from being hyper: spinning, jumping, singing, dancing, running around.  I try to ground her.  I take her little face in my hands and get down on her level.  I ask for eye contact.  She can accomplish this.  It last for about .3 seconds at a time.  She agrees to comply and then immediately (and by "immediately" I mean about less then 2 seconds -- so better than the eye contact) does exactly what I asked her not to.  She is running and jumping and crashing into things.  She is using inappropriate words (buttcrack appears to be the top choice at the moment).  I can't turn her room into a padded cell so I am buying big, huge pillows and allowing her to be hyper around them.

to being angry:  throwing things around her room (because I sent her there when she refused to stop using the word buttcrack).  Stomping around.  Telling me she hates me.  Yelling at me.  Threatening to destroy things.

to being defiant:  will not eat what is served.  Will not brush her teeth.  Will not clean up her toys.  Will not get the dirty socks from behind the couch.  Will not... Will not... Will not.

to being whiney:  literally.  Sits at my feet, sucks on her bottom lip (which is nothing new), frowns, crinkles her brows, and whines like a little puppy who needs to be let out to potty, all while stretching her arms and hands out to me wanting to be held.

to being loving:  kisses galore.  I have gotten European double kisses (one on each cheek).  I have had my ears kissed.  My eyes.  My hands.  Telling me she loves me.  Telling me I am the best mommy.  Helping cook.  Helping clean up.  Playing games with me.  Singing.

I guess she is just making sure I am up for the job.

Mean Mama

How to treat a friend

Ladybug asked to play outside today.  Asked her to ride her scooter.  Well, only after hours of begging me to buy her a bike.  I am working on it.  But her current bike is way too small -- and the seat has lost the bolt and will not stay on.

A neighborhood boy (D) came out to play with her.  He is 7.  Just a little older than her.  I leave the front door open while she plays outside.  It was really too cold today for the front door to be open.  But I gave her the opportunity.  I keep an ear on her and let her play.  They drew.  And played with dragons.  And rode the scooter.  Kid stuff.

Then things got quiet.  After a minute or 2 I went to the door and looked out.  They (him, her, and a few other kids) were across the street.  I watched.  But they didn't notice me.  Then I saw the boy wrap his arms around Ladybug, swing her around, and throw her to the ground.  She sat on the ground for a second and I waited to see how she handled it.  And then the boy leaned down and slapped her across the face.

I stepped in at that point.  I said play time was done.  All the kids kept telling me it was a game.  Ladybug said it was an accident.  I wasn't buying it.  As we cleaned up the toys I realized that we had one of D's toys.  Ladybug grabbed it and ran down the street to return it to him.  I watched.  She talked to him.  She gave him the toy.  And then he reached out and wrapped his hands around her neck.  And she came screaming back down the street to me.

We talked.  I tried explaining that friends don't hurt friends.  Ever.  That she does not need to be friends who are mean to her.  I am not sure if she believes me.

And the principal says she is the bully.

Mean Mama

I was tagged

 I was tagged by La Mama Loca at La-Mama-Loca...she likes to torture me.  Hope she's not too disappointed. 

Rule #1: The tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: Tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (OK, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tagee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

I don't currently have any animals -- much to the dismay of Ladybug.  But when I do they are family.  My parents always refer to their animals as my siblings and I have passed this along to Ladybug.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

Right now it is that I have the ability (emotionally and financially) to get through this therapy adventure we are starting.  If I didn't have that then my dream would be to buy a home.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Are you kidding?  Can you imagine what I could do?  Pay debt... buy house... hire a personal trainer to get my fat butt to be not so fat... pay for the best therapist... give a bunch of money to a former place of employment so they could do amazing things for victims of domestic violence... travel... decorate... help orphans in Ethiopia... buy things from anyplace other than craigslist... pay the debt of all my family... have I spent it all yet??

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

A smile from Ladybug... Ben & Jerry's ice cream... sleep.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

Watch TV, chit chat online, play Café World on Facebook, turn off all lights, turn down the heat, check on Ladybug, read a few pages in a book, and wait for Ladybug and crawl in bed with me.

6. Name something that has surprised you this week about motherhood.

I can do a million special things for Ladybug in a day but she will only notice the one time I say "no" to her.

7. What kind of books do you read?

Kids books... a lot.  But I also like thrillers, mystery, romance, true life, self help, etc.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

Ladybug will be 16 so I think I will be sleepless, bald, and cross-eyed.  I also hope I live closer to family and friends, have a job I love, and no longer worry about money.

9. What’s your fear?

Define "fear" for me (not to pull a Clinton).  My phobia -- riding in a car on a road near a body of water and driving off the road.  Strange, I know.  But it will send me into a panic attack.  But a generalized fear would be death.  Me, my parents, Ladybug.  I am not prepared for any of those.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

I am with La Mama Loca on this one ... Ummmm……no.  But there might be other things that would entice me.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Weekdays -- tickle Ladybug, shower, dress, make lunch, and run out the door.

Weekends -- Tell Ladybug she can go watch TV so I can roll over and go back to sleep.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?

Since I am single: Am I really only allowed to pick one?  Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Scott McGillivray (HGTV), I am sure I could think of a whole lot more.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Oh come one... I do this on a regular basis.  Actually... it may be time.  I was born B, I changed my name to S when I was 7, and I changed my name again to S (different S name) when I was 25.  It has been more than 15 year now so I guess it is time to do this.  Let's see... Gertrude?  Brunhilda?  Let me think about it and I will let you know.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

Silly question...sun.

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Something with cheese, I am sure.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

I love that I get to vent.  I get that I get to write down the stories before I forget them.  I love to read the stories of other people.  I love the support I get from reading the stories of other people.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?

Sweet!

18. What items are in your purse right now?

2 wallet, cell phone, prescription meds, Ladybug's anti-nausea medication, band-aids.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

BEACH!  But since I have family and friends in the mountains we tend to go there instead.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn't?

Reality TV, HGTV, Soapnet, Hoarders.

 I am not going to tag anybody...but if you feel inspired to copy, paste, and answer for yourself -- go for it.


Mean Mama

not April Fool's

I am seriously thinking of dropping some of my new year's resolutions because it is becoming painfully obvious I have intention (or ability) to follow through on them.  Given that, here is my next monthly update to my successes and failures with my new year's resolutions:

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  Okay I came down a little from last month.  Went from 282.8 to 278.  Decent but nothing to write home about.  I really need to get serious.  I have a doctor appointment on the 12th and I would like to see some serious progress.  Please!
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I also gave the book to my mother for her birthday.  I am sure my mother got through the book in one day.  She reads a lot.  She has more books then most small libraries -- that is not a joke or an exaggeration.  I had a hard time getting through it.  And truth be told -- I read the last 30 pages this morning (wrong month).  Of all the things I learned from this book, I am sure it is not one of the lessons she was trying to teach.  I have lived in this area for 6 years.  And I have yet to make a really good friend.  I have friends.  I go out -- sometimes.  But I don't have someone that I know will be a friend for life -- or even the rest of the year -- here.  She lived in 3 different countries for 4 months each and she made friends in each place.  I apparently need to hang up my introvert shoes and get out there more.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  This might be one of those resolutions that needs to come off the list.
4.  Find a new job.  I am way to depressed.  I want a new job.  I want to move.  I just don't have the energy or organization to make it happen.  It will have to fall on my lap.  And there is a slight possibility of this (a friend is hoping for a promotion and if she gets it then she will push for me to get her current job, but with all the budget cuts who knows if this would happen).
5.  Move.  See above.  If this "lap" job does come through it will be a move - closer to where I want to be but not exactly in the same state.  And in a lot of ways, I am really okay with this.
6.  Buy my first home.  Has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  No progress on this one this month.  Even worse actually...now that we are entering therapy and my insurance sucks this will only go up.  I will need to pay for it all somehow and right now this is all I have.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Might be another one of the resolutions that needs to come off -- but really this one shouldn't be that difficult to accomplish.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- still laughing.  But I don't understand why it is impossible for me.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Success!  The one steady thing I see to be able to accomplish.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. I did it.  Okay -- technically I got her enrolled today (so wrong month) but I did all the research and prep work in March.  She is joining the Jump Rope Club.  It meets once a week at her after school program.  Hoping she likes it -- at least she seems excited about it.  She did just ask for swimming classes again.  But who has money for that?
12.  Get involved with a charity. This one might need to be another resolution that needs to be removed.  I just don't have any alone time to devote to a charity.  Maybe if I had more friends I would have more alone time?  Could it be that these resolutions are connected together?
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.  But I want to.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Nope.
15.  Start a 529 account.  Not yet.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Just to gross you out -- nope.  Most of the house got done.  Over moments of the month.  I guess the only places that really didn't are 2 of the 2.5 bathrooms that we have.  Okay, that grosses me out -- guess I will be taking care of that tonight.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  I really need to get this one under control. This is turning into a priority for me.  Now if only I could get Ladybug to join in on my commitment.  Maybe she doesn't like my cooking?
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  This one needs to be removed.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  This still needs to wait until #1 is under control.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  I refuse to do this one.  I refuse to feel bad about it.  I wash the clothes.  I don't wear dirty clothes.  I am not a bad person or a bad mother because I am late at folding the clothes.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  Did lots of new pics of Ladybug this month.
22.  Pay all bills on time. Did better but there is still room for improvement.  Fingers crossed for this month.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Overall good on this one.  I mean, I had some sodas but not because I was trying to pour caffeine into my body.

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama