Some successes... some stresses

I have had some successes.  I started the new medication.  I might have been a little tired this week.  I might have been sleeping like crap.  It might have been the meds.  Or it might have been the heat.  Oh MY!! The heat!  Just laying on the bed half naked and sweating.  I am blaming it on the heat.

But 2 amazing things happened this week.  One is that my swollen ankles slowly went down.  I fit into my shoes.  I am not embarrassed to show them.  Well, not as much.  Seriously.  This is wonderful.  And... yes there is more... I got an unexpected bonus.  I have bad knees.  I blew one out in my 20's.  Never healed right.  Plus I carry around a few extra pounds. HA!  I take Aleve twice a day.  I take Glucosamine and Chondrotin twice a day.  And then I realized that it was costing me about $50 a month.  That sucks.  So I decided to stop taking it.  Yikes!  And my pain went away.  Seriously!  My thyroid med got rid of my knee pain?  Apparently so.

I have had some stresses.  My house closing got delayed.  It was supposed to be on August 13th.  But it is a small community and we were having a hard time finding an appraiser who had time to come see my house.  So it is currently scheduled for August 27th now.  I have to be out of my apartment on August 31st.  This is stressing me out.  And I am freaking out over closing costs.  Oh please let this work out right.

I need to start packing.  Seriously.  I gotta stop talking about it and DO IT!

One last stress ... tomorrow I take Ladybug to her thyroid ultrasound.  Hope we get some answers.

Mean Mama

My world

Everybody is talking about big issues on their blogs.  Trayvon Martin (actually they are talking about the other guy but I refuse to call him by name).  The train explosion in Canada.  The plane crash in San Francisco.  The Equality House (again they are talking about a stupid church but I refuse to mention their name).  There is lots to talk about in today's world.

But it is my world right now.  On Friday I realized I was not actually joking when I said I would not make it 6 weeks with Ladybug in this state of mind.  Everyday was a struggle.  Every hour was a struggle.  Every minute was a struggle.  For me.  For her.  For everyone around us.  So I called her psychiatrist and told him I needed her back on the meds.  She needed to be back on the meds.  He agreed and she took her first dose on Friday night.  She takes a dose in the morning and a dose in the night.  She started to smooth out by Saturday night.  On Monday I had hope that she would have a good day at camp.  And she day.  Her primary teacher said she was a completely different children.  She is thoughtful.  She is kind.  She is loving.  She listens.  She tries.  She cuddles.

On Monday I went to my doctor for a follow-up appointment.  My labs (hypothyroid) were great.  Right on target.  I need my med.  But I don't like my med.  My feet are swelling.  A lot.  I have asked every doctor I have had for the last 15 years to switch to a natural thyroid hormone.  Every doctor has said no.  They don't trust it.  And I don't know a lot about it so I am not capable of making a good argument.  I have had at least 4 doctors say that they would not put me on.  My doctor choices are limited in a town of 5000 people.  So I went in on Monday and asked... completely unprepared to argue. 

And she said, "Sure." 

Just that.  Nothing more.  No argument.  Well that worked.  I got brave and decided to ask for more help.  I am doing so much better since being on the thyroid meds.  But doing better doesn't mean I am doing good.  So I asked if she would consider prescribing prozac for me. 

And she said, "Sure."

This does not feel like a doctor who is doing whatever I ask.  This feels like a doctor who realizes that I should have a voice in my own care.  I am not stupid.  I am not a hypochondriac.  I am trying to understand myself and my health.  I am trying to make decisions.  And with her guidance -- I can have a voice.

Oh and the good news... according to her scale I have lost 9 pounds since my last visit.  According to my scale it is 13 pounds.  Not great.  But good. And heading in the right direction.

Okay this heat is making my feet swell.  I need to put them up... this requires that my computer must be put down.

Mean Mama

The things you do on a whim

I have always wanted to own a house.  But the reality is I move too much.  And when it comes time to move it is so much easier to leave an apartment then to sell a house.  But I need to settle.  I need to stay put.  I need buy a house.

So one day at lunch I went out for a sandwich and ended up a real estate office.  That Saturday we did a tour of local houses.  There are 46 houses for sale in my price point in the town I wanted to be in.  We picked my top 8 choices and saw them all in one day.  Ladybug did not like this.  The following Tuesday I saw 2 more houses.  Of the 10 houses I saw I was considering 2 of them after the first showing. 

I decided to see both a second time.  Ladybug decided she hated one of them because she fell down the basement stairs.  She decided the only solution was to actually blow up the house.  In the end I decided that the better option was to just take the house off the list.  I mean, it had a lot of nice qualities and some features I really liked but it was listed for a much higher price than I thought it was worth. 

Down to 1 house.  To buy or not to buy?  What should I do?  Making these kinds of decisions is really hard all alone.  I asked for advice from my parents (all 3) and they all took the fifth.  Not very helpful.  So I asked to see the house for a third time.

I decided to buy the house.  But a complication came up.  I wasn't sure some of my furniture would fit in the house.  I have absolutely huge bedroom furniture.  So I decided that I would get rid of it.  I decided to take my mother's furniture -- since she is becoming a nun and all.  This was a hard decision for me because I love my furniture.  I mean I have moved the ridiculously large furniture several times -- including 700 miles in one direction and 700 miles back.  It fits me.  But it is just furniture.  So I could put on my big girl panties and get rid of it.

I mentioned this to Ladybug.  And I full on sobbing break down happened.  Why in the world would getting rid of my bed have an affect on her?  She said she wouldn't move if I got rid of my bed.  She said she was fine with not having a pet (her one main focus for 3 years now) if I would keep my bed.  She was willing to compromise by me putting my bed in storage for her to use as an adult.  What was going on?  And then I realized that my bed must be her security blanket.  It is the one thing she can trust will be there for her no matter what.  She has slept in it every night for the almost 7 years.  She feels safe there. 

So I had a decision to make.  Buy the house and deal with her meltdown.  Or not buy the house and let an 8.5 year old make a major life decision for me.  So I asked to see the house one more time. This time I took a measuring tape.  I measured all (and I mean ALL) of my furniture before going.  And I figured out a furniture layout that would allow me to put all my furniture in the house.

So I bought a house.  Well, almost.  I am in process.  The closing is scheduled for August 13th.  Fingers crossed.

It is a small house (obviously).  828 square feet.  1 bathroom.  2 bedrooms.  Open layout.  Wonderful basement.  Very little land (I hate yard work).  No garage.  At the end of a dead end street.  On a hill.

I think I will paint it purple.

Mean Mama

Life has stopped

I haven't been writing because there is nothing interesting happening in my life.  I have run out of things to write about.  That's all there is.

RIGHT!

I haven't been writing because I am overwhelmed.  Life is ... stressful. 

Ladybug finished 2nd grade.  With fantabulous grades.  Everything was going great.

Well, not really.  But I like to live in the land of delusion.

While school was ending I became aware that perhaps Ladybug had something medical going on.  The first worry was that perhaps she had diabetes -- or as the doctor called it, insulin resistance.  The good news is that the blood work (which did not require me to hold her down in a restraint for) came back perfectly normal.  The second worry was that perhaps she had a thyroid concern.  The jury is still out on this.  But with my mommy doctor degree I am already convinced she does in fact have it.  Her TSH level came back just high of the range.  Her free t4 came back in range but on the low end (she wanted to be on the end of the range).  And she had antibodies.  As the nurse said, present but not high.  It shouldn't be present at all.  So she has a neck ultrasound scheduled in a couple of weeks.  So we wait.

Nothing new for my health.  Yet.  I had blood work done yesterday for my thyroid.  I find out numbers on Monday.  I have an ultrasound of my ovaries tomorrow.  I had cysts at the last ultrasound.  But since I have PCOS it was not really a shocker.  I have not dealt with physical therapy for my knee or foot things.

Ladybug has been spending some time with her dentist.  Which is a big deal since it is a 2 hour drive to her office.  But things are going well.  She had them cleaned.  She had them sealed.  She had a cavity filled.  She had 2 sets of x-rays.  She needs one baby tooth pulled in August - unless she pulls it out first.  Then she will be done.

The real problem is that as school was ending we also decided to change her medications.  I guess when I start a paragraph like that you know this isn't going to be good.  We weaned her off the guanfacine.  And she started prozac.  It is not going well.  All the old behaviors are back.  Defiance.  Anger.  Dissatisfaction.  Her psychiatrist wants her to be like this for the next 6 weeks.  I am not sure I will make it through week one.

And with that I think it is time for me to go to bed.  So much more is happening.  But I make no promises about blogging.

Mean Mama

Update 5

Happier:
The depression has stayed at bay this month.  Although there has been a few rough days -- especially around the medical stuff.

Healthier:
1. I am down 9 pounds this month from my heaviest weight this month.  That is great.  And it will continue.
2.  We are switching medications for Ladybug.  I will explain it later.  I am back on my thyroid medication and trying to remember to take it regularly.
3.  Absolutely no exercise.  I am not proud of it.  But I can own it.
4.  I have given up the milk.  I did a good job about drinking water for a while.  But not so much the last couple of days.
5. I spent a fair amount of this month juicing.  This means that my fridge is stock full of veggies and fruits.  I really didn't eat out much. 
6.  Another ridiculous month of medical/mental health appointments.  We had 3 therapy appointments.  I had 2 mammograms and an ultrasound on my breast.  I had an appointment with my OB/GYN.  Ladybug had an appointment with her pediatrician.  I had an appointment with the nutritionist.  Ladybug had an appointment with the sleep doctor.  That is 10 appointments for the month of May.  June is much lighter on appointments.
7.  I sucked at going to bed on time.  Most nights it was 11 or later.  That is too late.  And now that it has gotten hotter, sleeping sucks.
8.  No flossing. 

Wealthier:
Partial success.  I deposited $30 into Ladybug's account.  This is good. I also deposited $150 into my savings.

Wiser:
I learned that this house buying process is really stressful.  Online searching.  Looking at houses.  Looking beyond cosmetics.  Everybody has an opinion.  Picking the right house.  All the steps.  UGH!!!!!  Hoping for an update soon.

Lots happening.  Hoping for some resolutions soon.

Mean Mama

Financials

May has been a great month financially.  And the timing might be perfect.

I get paid every other week.  This means 26 pay checks.  This means twice a year, I get 3 pay checks in a month -- instead of the normal 2.  This is helpful.  Almost like extra money.  Because the other 10 months I have to live on 2 pay checks.  May is a 3 pay check month this year.  I love 3 pay check months.  Extra money.

I also hadn't spent all my tax return.  I love tax returns.  My father thinks they are stupid.  He believes you should never get a return.  You should get the money throughout the year.  Because otherwise the government is just holding onto you money.  For a year.  But I like tax returns.  Again -- extra money.  Feeling rich.

Then I got my internet bill.  Apparently I double paid last month.  Balance due this month ... $0.  I like that kind of bill.

In April I paid off one of my credit cards.  Again.  I fell off my "no credit card" wagon when I made the move.  I don't use it now.  But I used it during the move.  And I have been paying it off since.  So balance due this month on that credit card ... $0.

In April I paid off a huge chunk of my other credit card.  Yes, I only have 2 credit cards.  It was a bigger balance.  I paid off half.  I paid a small amount at the beginning of the month and then paid a huge chunk in the middle of the month ... of April.  So balance due on this credit card ... $0.

I went to pay my last installment of my heating bill today.  I was on a monthly budget plan.  I have oil.  This allowed me to lock in a price for the oil.  It also allowed me to not get stuck with a huge bill on delivery at a time that I didn't have money.  Again, I am sure my dad would hate this but it works for me.  So I went to pay the final installment today.  They had over estimated my monthly installment.  I overpaid.  I have a positive balance.  No more heating until October (if I am lucky).  So balance due on this bill... $0.

I liked May.

Mean Mama

Doctor ... part 3

Part of all of these doctor appointments included a mammogram.  My first.  Despite being in my mid 40's.  I have heard it is easier for large breasted women - like me.  I can see why that is now that I have been through it.  But small or large, it really isn't much fun to squished and squeezed.  From all angles.

I had my mammogram just one hour after all those ultrasounds I mentioned in a previous post.  By the end of the day I felt a little battered and bruised.  But then it was done.

And then a week later, as I sat in the exam room with Ladybug waiting to talk with her doctor, my phone rang.  Normally I wouldn't answer it in the doctor's office but I was expecting a call from my doctor about the thyroid med problem.  So I answered.  But it wasn't the doctor.  It was the hospital.

Nurse:  The doctor would like you to come back in for a follow-up mammogram.
Me: Oh.
Nurse: Your first one showed some abnormalities and she wants to see different images.
Me: Ok.
Nurse:  It is important that you know that 85% of these turn out to be nothing.  We just want to make sure it is nothing on you.
Me: Ok.

Trying not to react.  With child in the room.  But FREAKING out!  What is I have a problem?  What if I am sick?  And I have to wait a week for the next appointment!

So today was the follow-up mammogram.  They showed me my pictures.  Kind of strange to see my tatas up on the screen.  My left breast had a spot they were concerned with.  My right breast had two spots they were concerned about.  So they squeezed and squished.  But to be clear -- they did it more this time.  Then they rushed the new images to doctor to look at before I was allowed to get dressed.

I waited with an elderly volunteer.  She wasn't there for the first mammogram.  Is this someone they offer when things are tense?  When there is a possibility of bad news?  Do I need to hear about how her son kept getting fired from job while I am naked from the waist up and waiting to hear news about my boobs?

And then the news came.  The left breast is fine.  But there is still some concern about your right breast.  What does that mean?  They need more information.  So, grab your things (don't get dressed) and walk down the hall (in a johnny) to an ultrasound room.

Two very nice ladies do the sonogram.  With it up on the wall so I can see.  The inside of a boob -- on an ultrasound -- kind of looks like the ocean in a storm.  They took some pictures and rushed off to the doctor again.

Finally the doctor came in -- my first meeting with her.  She THINKS everything looks find.  She is not concerned at this time.  But I have to go back in 6 months for a recheck.  I am fine.  For another 6 months.

Mean Mama

Doctor ... Part 2

Actually this is the first part.  But It seemed less important.

I have hypothyroidism.  But I have been unmedicated for some time now.  This is not a good thing.  But I ran out of the prescription and had no doctor. 

Like a good doctor she didn't just trust me.  She insisted on labs.  Not that thyroid medications are a drug that can really be abused (not sure who would want to) but labs are important.  The TSH level should be in the range of .5-3 (although some doctors will go all the way up to 6).  My TSH level was 28.89.  Now I know why I can't lose weight, I am exhausted, and I am depressed.

I asked that she prescribe levoxyl.  There are several thyroid meds but this is the one I like the most.  Only one problem.... it is not currently in production.  Something to do with the manufacturer and it won't be available until sometime in 2014.  So she prescribed synthroid.  But since there is a generic form I got that.  I am normally not opposed to taking a generic but I hate taking a generic thyroid medication.

I started taking it on April 24th.  By early May I was feeling better.  More energy.  Less depression.  Better sleep. And my ankles began to swell.

Now I have had feet swelling issues for a long time.  But they hadn't swelled all winter.  I enjoyed the fact that my feet were normal.  Why now?  And then it dawned on me.  No meds... no swelling.  Meds... swelling.  Is this a reaction to the med?  I hadn't made the connection for 7 years ... and in my defense, neither did my doctor.

I called my doctor.  She was out of town.  The on-call doctor told me to stop taking the meds until I had a chance to talk to my doctor.  I stopped on a Wednesday.  Swelling went down slowly.  By Monday my feet with almost normal size again.  This could be a med reaction.

Doctor called on Tuesday.  She said this would be an unusual reaction.  She wanted me back on the meds and watch to see what happened.  I went back on them on Wednesday (I couldn't bare to do it on Tuesday).  By Friday my feet were huge again. 

Guess I am calling the doctor tomorrow.

Mean Mama

Doctor...part 1

By my updates, you may have noticed that I have started going to the doctor.  This is turning into a full time job.

It all began with a trip to the primary physician.  I did exactly what I was suppose to.  I wrote down a list of questions and concerns.  One of the things I wanted to talk about was menopause.  I am in my mid 40s now and I was hoping that perhaps I might be entering it.  She said it was not likely.  I was not happy. 

Because of miserable PMS and periods (details of which I will not go into) since the very first time (at age 11), I have done some research on a procedure called ablation.  I wanted it.  I talked to my previous doctors.  They weren't interested in having the conversation with me.  But I trudged ahead and brought it up one more time with this new doctor.

She didn't even blink an eye.  She referred my to an OB/GYN to have a consult.  Progress!

I went in for the consult.  She discussed it with me.  She discussed other options too.  Progesterone.  IUD. Other medications that I can't remember.

She also said I needed to have a few tests before she could say if I was a good candidate. 

1) A uterine biopsy.  There is some concern that having an ablation would prevent early detection of uterine cancer.  It was a quick procedure.  I slender thingy (no idea what it is really called) is slipped into the uterus and it collects a little bit of the lining.  Done.  Quick.  Right?  She said it would be like a contraction.  Like I have an idea what that is like!  She said it would take about 30 seconds. 

OMG!  If that is what a contraction is like -- why does anybody ever have a second baby.  And it took about 2 minutes -- because my lining would no cooperate with her.

Good news!  No cancer.

2) An ultrasound.  Both kinds.  Before the procedure can be preformed, they have to discover the shape of your uterus.  So they need to look at it from all angles.  So first came the trans-abdominal ultrasound.  This requires you to drink 32 ounces of water 1 hour before the procedure.  By the time I was brought into the exam room I was only moving from the knees down in fear of peeing my pants.  And then they glide this little device over your belly gently.

NOT!  She took this evil device and pressed it into my belly.  Looking at my ovaries, uterus, kidneys, and she might have also been looking for China.  It lasted forever.  It was painful.  There was nothing pleasant about it.

When it was over I got the chance to pee and then it was time for the other, less pleasant part of the ultrasound.  I won't go into details.

Good news!  I have a normal shaped uterus. 

But there was a bit of bad news.  I have a cyst on one of my ovaries.  This is not shocking to me since I have PCOS.  But she is insisting on a second round of the ultrasounds at the end of June to make sure it is not a big issue.

So no decisions on the ablation surgery.  It will wait until after I have a few more answers.  Stay tuned for an update.

Mean Mama

Driving

I feel like I have a lot to say.  And because I have a bad case of verbal vomit, I also seem to have a case of writer's block.  So I am starting with a light hearted story first.

Last weekend  I decided to go visit my mom.  It was mother's day, after all.  So after work on Friday, I headed out for the short 3.5 hour drive.  Michelle, my trusted GPS, was on and in the car.  I drove about 2 hours, down the regular path. 

Then all of a sudden, Michelle asked me to turn down a road I don't normally take.  I complied.  Then I got worried.  Did this road hook up with the road I needed to cross the river?  So I was driving and checking on the GPS.

And then I see the blue lights in my rear view mirror.  Perfect!  Great!  Was I speeding?  What is the speed limit here?

A very nice sheriff comes up to the window.  No, really, she was nice.  She asks for license, registration, and proof of insurance.  Proof of insurance?  Am I suppose to carry that?  Luckily I found it.  She asks where I am going.  She seems happy that I heading to see my mom.  She asks when my last speeding ticked was.  She almost fell over when I said never.

She didn't give me a ticket.  This was really nice since I was going 58 in a 45.  She was in a good mood. 

I don't normally have that kind of luck so I decided to take it as a gift.  I decided to be aware of my speed.  And the speed limit. 

Until 15 miles later.  No joke.  I am crossing the bridge and I see blue lights in the rear view mirror.  AGAIN!  There is no way I am getting out of this twice.  In 15 miles. 

This sheriff was less nice.  To the tune of $145. 

Was I speeding?  Obviously.  I was going 50 in a 30.  In my defense, the speed limit was 50 leading up to the bridge.  Apparently, the speed limit drops to 30 on the bridge.  Immediately following the bridge, it goes back up to 50.

I paid the ticket.

Mean Mama