January Update to New Years Resolution

My first monthly update to my successes and failures with my new year's resolutions:

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  Down 3.2 pounds.  Only 46.8 to go.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  I actually read 2 this month.  And started a third.  Free-Range Kids (which I am blogging about in separate posts) and Smash Cut by Sandra Brown.  I recommend Sandra Brown.  She is a good writer.  She leaves out things intentionally and lets you make assumptions.  I knew how the book was going to end and yet she put surprises in it.  So if you like murder mysteries -- she is good.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  I wrote for work.  I wrote emails.  I wrote blogs.  Nothing more.
4.  Find a new job.  Big failure.
5.  Move.  See above.
6.  Buy my first home.  Has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  I paid off about half.  Well, to be honest, I transferred it to another card.  But at least it is off FIA.  Hopefully the rest gets paid off (yes, paid, not transferred) when I get my tax return.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Oops!  Forgot about this one.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Success!
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. I tried.  Ice skating.  But they were full.  Will try again for the March session.  And today I found out her after school program is starting a jump rope club.
12.  Get involved with a charity. I thought I did.  But I couldn't.  Will try again.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Nope.
15.  Start a 529 account.  Not yet.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Done.  The problem is that it didn't all get clean at the same time and now parts are a complete disaster again.  Guess this will need to be a goal for each month.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  I really need to get this one under control.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Well.  I called more.  But I love the internet.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  This needs to wait until #1 is under control.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  I cheated on this one.  I decided that the laundry wasn't "done" if it was still in the dryer.  So I just left it in the dryer.  But even that didn't work.  Apparently laundry isn't one of my most productive chores.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  Camera is bought.  Need to take more photos.
22.  Pay all bills on time.  Not successful this month.  But I have set myself up to be successful next month.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Done.  For the most part.  Turned out to be easier then I thought.

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama

Stranger than fiction

So I am sitting in my apartment tonight.  Watching TV.  Spending too much time on the computer.  And then there is a very loud knock on my door.  It startles me but I don't get up.  I promise you that nobody is going to just be stopping by my place after 10pm any night -- much less a Sunday night.  They must have the wrong door.

And then it came again.  And my first thoughts were that it was some murderer/rapist.  I am reading a book that involves both (which I am sure is against the free-range rules -- but I like them).  I will not answer the door.  I could use my peep hole -- if I was 6'7".  Seriously, who puts a peep hole so high that even standing on my tippy toes I can not get my eye up to the hole.

The knock comes again.  It is loud.  What do I do? 

I decided not to be paranoid and I answered the door.  And standing outside was a very tall, very black, very wet man in a very small yellow towel.  Really!  Naked man, wet man, in a towel.  Pounding on my door.  Okay that never happens.  Ever.  Anywhere.  Well...maybe in the movies.

He asked me to help him.  He says he is my new neighbor.  And he needs help in his apartment.  Hmmmm...go with a strange man, into his apartment, alone, late at night?  A naked man.  Who does this stuff happen to?  So I tell him I can't.  My daughter is sleeping upstairs.  I can't leave her.  He pleads.  With his words and his eyes. 

So I grab cell phone and keys (call for help and ability to defend myself) and I follow him into his apartment.  He runs up the stairs.  I follow. He leads me into his bathroom.

The shower is running.  That explains the wet and naked part.  The tub is over flowing.  Who closes the plug while showering?  Water is all over the floor.  And he says to me -- in broken English -- "How do you turn it off?"  How do you turn the shower off?  How did he turn it on?

I look.  I turn the knob.  Crisis is over.  Pull the plug on the drain.  Water starts going down.  And I head home.

Now that is an introduction.

Mean Mama

Doing it all wrong

It amazes me how many people are "experts" at parenting.  When it comes to parenting the only thing I am an expert in is messing up.  I often wonder if I should be saving for college or saving for therapy.  But I figure that even though I am screwing things up on a regular basis that for the most part things are good if we both make it through the day alive.

Before Ladybug even came home I was being told I was raising her all wrong.  I didn't even have her yet and I was screwing up.  Practice makes perfect...I guess. 

Some of the things I have messed up with (world according to others):
I didn't get her a crib.  She was almost 2 years old at homecoming.
I wasn't planning on taking a stroller with me to Ethiopia to pick her up.  
I planned on co-sleeping.  She would get too attached.
I went back to work when she had been home for only 5 weeks. I would be faced with attachment issues later (Oops -- that one might be right).

And the list goes on and on and on and ...

I don't understand why people feel so qualified to tell me (the generic me) that what I am doing is wrong.  It might be.  But is there only one way to raise a child?  Is this a black and white science?  Or an art made of various forms of gray?  Why do you feel comfortable giving me definitive, absolute parenting advice when you don't really know me or my child? 

I just think maybe we (as parents) need to find a way to be supportive of other parents without being experts.

Just saying...

Mean Mama

Free-Range kids

Christmas and birthdays are not complete in our family until you receive a book from my mother.  Seriously.  If you get a present from my mom I can promise it is a book.  You may get something else too but she gives books to all she loves.  The question is always -- what book?  So this Christmas I ripped the paper off the book and found ...Free-Range kids.  By Lenore Skenazy.

My immediate response was to look at my mother ...

Me: Are you nuts?
Mom: Keep an open mind.
Me: Have you met my child?
Mom: Just read it.
Me: No impulse control.  No thought process.  Flighty.
Mom:  Just ... read ... it.
Me: Fine.

It turns out she gave the book to me, my sister (who has an almost 4 year old) and my cousin (who has a 2 year old and a newborn).  So I read it.  Prepared.  Prepared to disagree with everything she says.  Everything.  Despite the fact that I didn't really know what she had to say.

I actually knew about the book before she gave it to me.  It is written by the woman who lives in New York City and allowed her 9 year old son take the subway home by himself.

Horror!

No really.  I was horrified.  In 3 years I was supposed to be prepared to send my child out into the world?  By herself?  And be okay with it?  I.  Don't.  Think.  So.


But even before I opened the book to read it, it caused an argument in my family.  My mom, my aunt, and I were sitting at my grandmother's table and we began talking about it.  My aunt is a full fledged, proud, helicopter parent.  She is the Queen of helicopter parents.  She knows it.  And she makes no excuses or apologies.  She believes how she raised her kids is the right way.  And the idea of letting your kids have freedom (at any age) seems grossly neglectful to her.  Protect your kids against any possible problem -- is her motto.  She drove her kids to and from the school bus stop until they were in high school - and could drive themselves.  As I watched her get angry (yes ANGRY) at the idea of giving kids any kind of freedom I began to look back at my own childhood.  And discovered -- through memory -- that I was basically a free range kid.  So my aunt is on one side of the argument and my mom is on the other.  And I am realizing that I need to read the book.

But back to that idea of letting a 9 year old take the subway home ... by himself ... in New York City.  First a few facts.  The author lives in NYC...with her son.  Her son is familiar with the city.  Her son is familiar with the subway.  It is not like she took a kid from a farm in Iowa and and plucked him down in the city and told him to figure it out.  There was prep work.

So last night I spent some time online.  On Bing.  Doing a little research.  I looked for my houses as a child.  Yes, there were a lot.  And I looked for my schools as a child.  Yes, there were a lot.  La Mama Loca thinks it is freakish that I can remember every address I lived in all the way back to about 3 years old -- but that is another story.

For part of kindergarten and part of 1st grade I walked to school.  According to Bing my route was 1.1 miles.  One way.  I walked it.  Unsupervised.  Everyday.  Before you gasp and think of what terrible parents I had... During this time I was in the custody of the state.  I lived in a group home.  The state approved of this practice.  My sister and 2 other girls who lived in the group home all walked to school.  We were all no older than 7 years old.  At the time we lived in a medium sized city. 

For 2nd grade we lived in the middle of nowhere (with my new adoptive family) so we (my sister and I) took a bus to school.  Although, we did have a driveway that was 3/4 of a mile long.  We walked to the end of the driveway every day.  Unsupervised.  Unless you count the 150 pound Newfoundland dog as a supervisor.

For 3rd grade we moved in town.  A medium sized town.  I walked to school.  By myself usually.  My sister walked with her friends.  It was .7 mile, one way.  Apparently I was late everyday.  I never knew this.  But my father's office was right next to my school and his office had a window the faced the street I walked down.  He watched me every day.  Lallygagging my way to school.

For 4th grade we moved back to that medium sized city I mentioned earlier.  And ended back in the same school.  Only I lived a little closer.  So my walk was now .4 mile.  Apparently I got better at being on time to school. 

For 5th and 6th grades we moved to another small town (702 people).  I walked to school again.  This time it was a .6 mile one way.  Then for 7th and 8th grade (same town and same house) I walked .8 mile to the middle school. 

For 9th through 12th grade we moved to another small town and I had to take a school bus (50 minute ride) to get to school. 

So I think it is safe to say that perhaps, just perhaps, I was a free range kid from kindergarten through 8th grade.  So maybe I need to read the book -- before I switch sides completely and become a helicopter parent.

I read it...but there will be many more posts to cover the book.  But just let me say, agree or disagree, I think it is a "must read" for every parent.

Mean Mama

Diet Update

So last week I had the unfortunate responsibility of reporting that I had gained 6.8 pounds in the week while starving myself.  Made me feel good.  NOT!

So another week has passed.  And I am happy to report that as of this morning I have lost 5.4 pounds.  YEAH!  It is not all that I had gained but I am on the right track again.  And I wasn't even close to being perfect this week.  Maybe substituting wine for all the evening fattening foods helps?!?

Yesterday was suppose to be my last day of starvation dieting this round.  But given my lack of will power and lsat week's fiasco, I have decided to extend my torture diet for a few more days.  I will diet (hopefully by protocol) through Sunday.  That will be my official end of round 1 this year. 

To be "okay" with my round 1 weight loss I must drop another 2.4 pounds before I weigh in on Monday.  Do-able.  To be "happy" with my round 1 weight loss I must drop another 5 pounds before I weigh in on Monday.  Pushing it.  To be "delirious" about my round 1 weight loss I must drop another 10.2 pounds before I weigh in on Monday.  Possible if I cut off an arm. 

Let the count down begin.

Mean Mama

Attachment Disorder

One of my depressive issues lately is that I am lost about Ladybug.  Lots of behaviors.  No help.  No hope.  Feel free to read back through posts to get an idea.

I love her.  Really.  I do.  I can't image life without her.  But that does not mean that living with her is easy.  She is angry.  Generally speaking.  She finds the negative in everything.  She fights me on everything.  She hates everything.  She is unhappy.  And she enjoys making everyone around her unhappy.  She pushes and pushes and pushes.  Then I explode.  And she smiles.  She is so proud of herself when she see me lose it.  She saps my energy.  She sees me struggle.  And she finds pleasure with it. 

I wonder what is going on.  Is she testing?  Is she mad about something?  Is she bipolar?  What is going on?

A friend of mine suggested that perhaps she has an attachment disorder.  I connected with a friend who is raising a child with an attachment disorder (not RAD).  Her child is officially diagnosed.  I described Ladybug.  And she says Ladybug sounds just like her child. 

So, of course, I have diagnosed her.  I know I am not allowed to.  And what I know about attachment disorders could fit on the head of a pen.  I contacted her teacher in order to find contact information for the school counselor.  She finally connected me with the counselor.  And I have spent the last week just trying to schedule an appointment.  Still none is scheduled.  I know she is not a counselor I can use for this issue.  But she is a counselor for kids... in a local school.  I just want her resources.  Help me out here.  I mean my child is beating up other kids at school -- on a regular basis.  Please take my concerns seriously.

I don't care WHAT the issue is.  Just tell me how to make it better.  Tell me how to like my child -- I already love her.  Tell me how to make peace in my house, my life.  Put me on the right path.  I am asking for help and I can't get it.

But I am feeling a little more hopeful today then I was last week.  Maybe I will be able to figure this out. 

Mean Mama (rambling)

Too much homework

I have entirely too much homework for being in kindergarten.  Oh wait... I am not in kindergarten.  My child is.  So why does it feel like I have homework.  I don't remember having homework in kindergarten.  But I don't remember much about kindergarten.

Ladybug is fast approaching the 100th day of school.  So they have a project to celebrate that.  I don't remember celebrating that.  Each kid must do a project with 100 as the theme.  So they could draw a picture with 100 things.  Or they could write a story with 100 characters (yes that was a suggestion on the instructions sent home).  100.  So I asked Ladybug what she wanted to do.  Any guesses???

She wanted to do a display with 100 horses.  100 horses!!!  We don't have 100 horses.

We settled on a picture on poster board.  With 100 flowers (which we have from a previous project).  Here we are ready to start.

She is still in her pjs.  But then -- so am I .

Simple list of items: poster board, construction paper, scissors, glue, and paper flowers.

We apparently need more glue.  It was hard to squeeze out.  Which led her to complaining that she didn't have enough muscles.  But she cut.  And she glued.  She also counted.  And this is our final project.

One project done...many more to do.

Mean Mama

Lost

I know my blog is called "losing it" but I am feeling really lost lately.  I know I am not suppose to be here doing this.  I know this isn't my life.  This isn't what I had planned.  This isn't what I dreamed.  This isn't what I wished for.  But I am unsure what was.  I feel hopeless.  And empty.  I feel tired.

Things with Ladybug are difficult.  Despite the fact that her birth certificate says she is 6 years old, her attitude is screaming 13.  I finally got in touch with the school counselor to ask for some hints.  She has offered me 15 minutes.  Is that because I am over reacting?  I don't expect her to solve my problems -- just point to some resources.  But 15 minutes is not enough time to understand the issues much less provide the appropriate resources.

I never thought of myself as unemployable before.  I have quit jobs on a whim and the trust that I would get another one before it was a problem.  I have moved nearly 1000 miles away with no job, no apartment, no clue.  And trusted that it would work out.  But I can't seem to even get an interview -- well except for with the company that immediately shut down after my interview. 

I am 40 + something and I have never owned a home.  I know I am not the only one, I know.  I want my own home.  I don't want to feel transitional anymore.

I guess I am just feeling lost and no real idea how to make it turn around.  It just makes me wonder -- how did I get here?

Mean Mama

storage

Ladybug has a dresser.  An old dresser.  My friend gave it to me.  About 20 years ago.  She used it as a child.  And her father used it when he was a child.  So it is old.  A small 4 drawer dresser.  White. See it?

Ignore the messy bed.

The problem is that the drawers are hard to open and close.  And sometimes it gives her splinters.  It also doesn't have much "counter" space.  So I decided to get rid of it.  She needed an update.  But dressers are expensive.  Even on craigslist.  And the ones that are not expensive go in about 2.4 seconds.

So I decided on a new option.  I assembled it today.

I made her make the bed for this photo.

It is not complete.  I still need 6 more cube baskets.  But I like it.

Now I just need to get a bookcase to hold all her books in the manner they are suppose to be store.  One step at a time.

Mean Mama

7 pounds

My goal for the week was 7 pounds.  And my accomplishment for the week was 7 pounds.  Well, it was 6.8 pounds.  Only problem is that I GAINED 6.8 pounds.  I am dieting and I gained 6.8 pounds in one week!!!!  That wasn't suppose to happen.

In my defense --- yeah, I got nothing.  There is no defense.  I gained.  6.8 pounds.  That is depressing. 

I am hoping that the next week is better then the last week.  At this point I am thinking it can't get any worse.

Mean Mama

Playing at the park

Today I took Ladybug to the park.  A really nice park.  On a really nice day.  So I knew there would be a lot of people there.  A lot of kids there. This is good.  She would get the chance to play with other kids.  Not at school.  Not at daycare.  Just other random kids.  I did not want to be her playmate.  Not because I am mean...but because she needs to learn to make friends with people her age.

So we went.  I took a book.  I set myself on a bench and sent her off to play.  I could see her.  I read.  But I wanted to see her succeed at this.  She immediately found a dad.  Not a little girl.  Not a little boy.  A dad.  And she started talking to him.  I could see him looking around for her parent.  He didn't see me.  Well, he did... he just didn't realize I was mom.  So after awhile of her "playing" with the dad, I went over and sat within conversation distance from her.  The dad left.

I encouraged her to go play again.  She begged me to push her on the swing.  Something she can do herself.  I told her to go play.  So she conned a mom into pushing her.  What was I going to do?  Tell the mom not to push her? 

When the mom moved on she found another mom with 3 girls to play with.  A little further away from me.  And I let her play.  But she stuck close to the mom.  Until the mom and kids left.

Again I encouraged her to go play.  This should not be so difficult.  She began to explore a little.  Wander a little further.  Finally she yelled at me that she was heading to a different section.  I slowly followed.  By the time I arrived she was playing.  With a mom and 2 little kids.  I watched.  The mom let her kids (who were both younger than Ladybug) play together.  And the mom played with Ladybug.  The mom would not move more than about 4 feet away from Ladybug.  Finally she seemed to realize I was mom.  So this mom relaxed some.  But she still played with her. 

As we were leaving I was worried.  Why does Ladybug not know how to play with other kids?  I don't remember ever having that kind of problem.  And I am an introvert by nature.  Ladybug is an extrovert.  Why can't she find a kid to play with? 

And then I realized why.  It isn't that she is socially stunted.  It is because families stick together.  Even at the park.  Siblings play with each other.  Only.  If there are no siblings then they play with the parents.  Kids are not encouraged to play with each other if they do not know each other.  So here comes my little girl (only child) encouraged to go play with the other kids (who are not her siblings) and the other parents are horrified that I am not playing with my child.

Apparently I am not only a "mean mama" but I am also a "bad mama."

Mean Mama

Keeping them busy

I have got to complain about this.  Really.  I mean, it may be a little hypocritical, but still.

I remember when Ladybug first came home I swore I would not get a DVD player for the car.  I did not have one as a kid...she did not need one for the car.  And then I got one.  She is allowed to use it for long car rides only.  It is not mounted.  Let me define "long car ride" for you: anything over 12 hours.  I can not listen to her music for 12 hours and I need some peace (I do some of my best thinking on the road).  She even knows better than to ask for it for anything other than a long car ride.

But I have to say that I am rather horrified at the number of children who are purposefully pacified by electronics.  Last month I took Ladybug to get her flu vaccine at the doctors.  We waited in the pediatrics office, let me repeat that PEDIATRICS OFFICE.  There were plenty of families there waiting for appointments of one kind of another.  Parents and kids.  The oldest child there was about 7 (just guessing, did not take a survey) but most were under the age of 4 years old.  Not one, again, NOT ONE, child was empty handed (except mine).  They had hand held games, small computers, iPads, cell phones (their own or their parents).  All were playing games.  Ladybug felt left out.

I recently bought a new phone -- it was time for an upgrade.  I went in with my list of requirements and talked to someone about the possibilities.  With the list of phones (which was short) I went home and researched them online.  I read customer reviews.  The phone I ended up buying had one major fault by those who reviewed it.  No games.  NO GAMES!  It is a phone.  Not a gaming system.  When the sales clerk asked me what I wanted the phone to do I responded, "Make and answer phone calls."  Really.  Why does my phone need games?  Oh, so I can let my child play mind numbing games while in public so everyone things I have a well behaved child.

But the most shocking thing I saw recently is this...  I was out to dinner for the office Christmas party.  I had dropped Ladybug off for an overnight with a friend (another single mom who agreed to share with me as her Christmas party was the following night).  We went to a nice, but still family friendly restaurant.  We were sitting, chatting, drinking, waiting for our food when the table next to us was seated with 3 couples and a baby.  By "baby" let me define: less than 6 months.  They say hello and sit.  Then the mom of this baby begins hauling out the "necessary" equipment.  Which included... a DVD player.  A DVD player!!  For a 6 month old!!!  Really!

Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?

Mean Mama

diet update

I have finished week 1 of this round of dieting.  I do not have any photographic proof of my success (or failure).  Because I still do not have a functioning camera.  I really need to buy a new camera.

At the end of week one I am down 4 pounds.  Exactly 4 pounds.  Of course I would love it to be 10.  But the reality is I should only plan on 1/2 pound per day.  So 4 pounds is right on target.  I am counting this as a success for week 1.

However, in order to meet my goal of 20 pounds this round I must drop 7 pounds this week and 7 pounds next week.  This is a tall order to fill.  But if I stay focused it is possible.

Mean Mama

slip sliding

Keeping it light today...because my child is having a bad day...

As I was dropping Ladybug off school...as I waited patiently for the car pool lane to move...I saw a funny thing.  It wasn't meant to be funny.  And it probably wasn't nice to laugh.  But I had to stiffle the laugh because Ladybug was still in the car.

Two boys, about age 10, were walking to school.  They came up the stairs to the school yard.  They were wearing sneakers but they must have had poor tread.  They started sliding on the ice.  You know, the kind of skiding where they are really trying to stay on their feet but there is little hope and they look funny as they twist and turn and jerk about.  Finally one of the boys, in an effort to regain his balanace, lets go of his backpack.  Which immediately slides all the way down the hill they just came up.  The other boy has a delayed reaction but eventually reaches out to grab the backpack.  But since he is delayed he over reaches and falls on his butt...and slides all the way down the hill.  The original boy reaches to save his friend and he finally loses his battle to stay on his feet.  He then slides all the way down the hill.

Then the car pool lane moved so I didn't see if they had round 2 or if they made it to school.

Mean Mama

Winter weather

I traveled north for the winter.  I drove.  A lot.  In the winter.  If I am driving in the north in winter I can guarantee you that I will be driving in the snow. 

I even drove through mountains.  Into mountains.  It was blizzard conditions on the first night.  Not a drop of snow until I was about 1 hour from my destination.  That one hour turned into about 2.5 hours.  Slow and steady.  Do not brake.  Do NOT brake.  Give plenty of room.  And do not get in front of a truck.  Slow and steady but we made it.  When I left the next day, I was driving in another storm...through the mountains.  I got stuck behind an SUV (with local plates) going about 10 miles an hour, in the snow, though the mountains.  You can not, can not, I repeat, can not go 10 miles an hour in a snow storm on unplowed roads, up a mountain, and expect to make up that mountain.  Safety sometimes requires a little bit of speed.

I did, however, opt to spend a night in a hotel one night, instead of driving up a mountain in a storm, on icy roads, at night.  My mom lives in the "high peak" region.  It just seemed safer.  Silly, too.  Since the hotel we stayed in was in a city that was not getting any snow.  We stopped because of the storm which hadn't reached the city we were in.  But anything north of the city had snow -- and it was in the mountains so no real hotels.

And now I am back home and faced with a storm.  I know storms are not the norm in this area.  I am also really aware that because it is not the norm people don't have a clue as to how to drive in any snow.  So for my own safety I stay off the roads.  I can drive in the snow (and seem to like too prove it every winter) but it doesn't really matter if nobody else on the road knows how to drive in snow.

So last night the snow started.  But the panic started long before that.  Ladybug has an early release on Monday.  They wanted the kids to get home before the snow started.  She was released at 1:15 pm.  We live right next to the school.  Literally.  I kept an eye on the website which listed delays and closings.  By about 5pm she had a delay for Tuesday morning.  Two hours.  Some time after dark -- after 7pm -- it started snowing.  Six hours after the early release we saw the first flakes.  6 hours! 

I watched the news.  We would seem accumulation.  Fun!  And then he defined "accumulation".  We were expecting anywhere from 1/10 to 1/5 of an inch of snow.  Say what?  Where I grew up that amount of snow would not even make the weather report.  Seriously.  I remember storms where we got 2 feet of snow overnight and I didn't even bother to check for delays or cancellations.  But it is different here.

By the time I got up Ladybug's school was canceled for the day.  To be fair -- there was a sheet of ice on my car.  But there was no snow on the ground.  None.  But ice is dangerous.  So we stayed home.  Actually didn't even bother to get out of my pajamas.

Ladybug's school is on a 2 hour delay for tomorrow.  Wait...it hasn't snowed today.  Why do we have a delay?  Don't argue.  Just shake your head and move on.  The website is reporting 758 local closings and delays for tomorrow.  I guess we will see what the morning brings.

Mean Mama

When did I get a teenager

Ladybug turned 6 last month.  6!  And yet I am pretty sure I have a teenager.  I like teenagers.  Just not a teenager who is 6.

She is negative about everything.  I am clear what she hates.  In one word -- everything.

She hates having her hair done. 
She hates cornrows. 
She hates puffs.
She hates the idea of getting her hair cut shorter. 
She hates everything I cook. 
She hates school. 
She hates the Y. 
She hates her car seat. 
She hates helping with chores. 
She hates going to bed. 
She hates running errands. 
She hates playing in her room. 
She hates cleaning her room. 
She hates brushing her teeth.

She whines and groans about everything.  And it is driving me nuts.  I don't know what to do. 

We got released early from school today because of weather (although I am still waiting for any sign of bad weather).  I told her we needed to go to the store to pick up tomatoes (I forgot them yesterday).  That got a....

Aaaawwwww Mom!  I don't like tomatoes.

I am aware.  Suck it up.  But I didn't say that.  I said we could pick up a few things needed to bake cookies since we were spending the afternoon at home.  That got a....

Aaaaawwww Mom!  I don't want to bake cookies.  I want to go to Elizabeth's house.

Keep up the attitude and you won't be going anywhere.  I didn't say that either.  I told her we could walk to Elizabeth's house and check but we should buy the cookie things just in case.  That got a...

Elizabeth said it was fine.  I don't want to bake cookies.  I hate baking cookies.  I am going to Elizabeth's.

But I bought the cookie stuff anyway.  After I told her I was sick of hearing all the things she "hated" and told her she needed to find a way of people more positive.

It turned out that Elizabeth's mom was not home so Ladybug could not go over to play.  We made attempt number 1 at making cookies.  She was all attitude.  She whined.  She wouldn't listen.  So after about 8 minutes I lost it and sent her to her room.  I am not the most positive person but her negativity is really getting to me. 

I let her stew in her room for nearly an hour.  She didn't stew long.  She slept.  I woke her up and asked her to make another attempt at making cookies.  Attempt number 2 lasted about 6 minutes.  I really lost it this time.  I was just done.  I sent her to her room, told her to get in her pjs, and go to bed.  She was done.  For the night.  She stomped upstairs, picked up her music box, and threw it across the room.  I ran upstairs and yelled.  If she can't respect her things then I will gladly get rid of everything.  She doesn't have to have toys or pretty things. 

I stomped downstairs to cool off.  And once cool I remembered...she can't go to bed.  She desperately needs a bath.  She stiiiiiinks.  And she needs to be moisturized.  She is looking more gray then brown these days.  So a dragged her out of bed, and set up her bath.  I read while she bathed.  And then I decided I had to do more hair work.  She has 1/2 style.  She has a big puff.  Which will get tangled.  And she hates having her hair brushed (did I mention that above?).  So I did hair for an hour.  I was gentle.  I was kind.  And she whined only a little.  But she did not get a movie.

The negativity needs to end.  I just don't know how to make a 6 year do that.

Mean Mama

getting a fitting

One of my Christmas presents from my parents was a gift certificate to Lane Bryant.  Lane Bryant is a fat girl's dream.  It is not cheap but it is good.  I can always find stuff I like in there.  But my main reason I go to Lane Bryant is for bras.  I love their bras. 

My initial plan for the gift  certificate when I asked for it was to buy some new clothes.  But right before Christmas I broke all my existing bras.  All.  In one week.  Underwire after underwire snapped.  I don't know how I break all my bras in one week.  But it would have to wait. 

Since I was running errands today I decided to stop by Lane today and pick up a few.  I was hoping that maybe I would go down 1 cup size.  I have lost 25 pounds -- there is a reasonable hope that maybe I need a smaller bra.  I have been wearing a 44DDD.  Yikes!  I try not to admit that.  I was hoping to get down to a 44DD today. 

As I walked into the store today I was extra happy.  They were having a sale: Buy 2 get 2 free.  Oh happy day!  4 bras for the price of 2 -- and to top it all off, I have a gift certificate.  So technically I am getting 4 free bras.  Happy day!

But for some reason I must have looked a little lost.  I went in the store and straight to the bra section.  I immediately started looking for my size.  In the style I like.  But a sales person approached me and asked if she could help.  I tried to politely brush her off but she wanted to help.  So I decided to let her.  She asked if I knew my size.  Doesn't every woman know her size.  I didn't tell her I wanted to buy small.  She asked the last time I had a fitting.  Forever.  So she insisted on a fitting.  Great -- let's just measure my fat.  But I let her.

When she finished she announced my size...42F or maybe 42G.  WHAT?????  I was trying to go smaller then DDD and I am bigger.  Are you kidding me?  G??  They make bras in that size?

She set me up in a dressing room and brought in a slew of bras all 42 and some F and some G.  I tried the first one.  No way.  No how.  42 was just not going to work.  Oh, I got it hooked.  But I think I actually had to use a crow bar to then work it into the correct position.  I needed a 44.  So all the 42 disappeared and in came the 44s.  44F and 44G.  Great!  44F just didn't fit right.  And 44G required me to have breast implants to fill out.  Since that is not going to be happening I was feeling discouraged.

Then I suggested that I didn't like that style.  I asked that we try my style.  The one I have been wearing for years and always like.  More bras.  More problems.  Finally we dropped it down to 44DDD in my style and ....perfect fit.  I walked in saying I was a 44DDD and that I knew my style.  I walked out an hour later with exactly what I knew I needed.

But I still got 4 free bras so all is good.

Mean Mama

It should be illegal

It should be illegal.  Really.  I mean do I need to be encouraged to eat?  No.  I need to be encouraged not to eat.  They are not allowed to do cigarette commercials.  Why?  Because they are not good for you. 

It is not broccoli or carrots or apples that have commercials.  No.  We are not encouraged to eat those. 

We are a society of overweight people.  I think it is something like 60% of Americans that are overweight (don't quote me on that.  that is just a fuzzy memory).  And what immediately follows the food commercials?  A weight loss product or exercise equipment commercial.  Eat.  And since you are now fat -- Exercise and diet.  What is wrong with this society?

I am watching a ridiculous Hallmark TV show (about giant pumpkins, no less) and these are just some of the commercials I have been faced with:

Hersey's Bliss chocolates
Long John Silvers
Hardees
Lean Cuisine (combing both food and diet)
DiGiorno Pizza
Pringles
Breyer's ice cream
Pizza Hut (stuffed crust pizza)
Yoplait splitz
Lucky Charms
Trix


Food commercials should be illegal.  And I say that through the starvation haze of my diet.  I will make one exception.  Seafood commercials can continue -- I hate seafood so those commercials are not tempting for me.

Please help me with my diet by banning food commercials.

Mean Mama

PS - down 3.8 pounds and 121 to go.  So glad to be on the right track now.

rude awakening

Last night as I put Ladybug in bed I asked her if it was seven remotely possible that maybe, just maybe, she could sleep all night in her bed.  She said no. 

I have to appreciate the honesty at least. 

But I told her I wanted her to stay in her own bed.  This is the girl who didn't want to sleep any where near me while I was on vacation but she won't stay out of my bed now that we are home.

She quietly crawled in bed with me late last night.  I don't remember it.  I didn't wake up for it.  I did wake up when she crawled out of my bed.  I sighed and rolled over...onto her pee.

Have I mentioned I am so over bodily fluids?

She peed in my bed.  And I rolled in it.  And she just walked out of the room.  She wasn't going to tell me.  Does she think I wouldn't notice?

I was too tired to deal with it so I stripped out of the wet pjs and went to her bed to get some more sleep.  But she refused to sleep.  She tossed.  She turned.  She sang.  She talked.  I cried.

Mean Mama
P.S.  The good news is that I did not gain any weight on the morning after my first day of starvation.  The bad news is that I lost nothing.  NOTHING!  Not even an ounce.  Today better be better.

paranoia

Sometimes I trip over myself.  I can't help it.  I get in my own way.

As I was preparing for vacation a few weeks ago I got the overwhelming feeling that while I was away my house would be broken into.  I was sure of it.  And this worried me.  It is not like I have a lot of expensive things.  Actually I am pretty sure that I have no expensive things.  My paranoia was fueled by my decision not to take my computer on vacation.  There was really no need to take it.  Nobody I was visiting with had wireless internet.  But I can't afford to replace my computer.

And then I made the decision to not take my rings either.  I am not a big jewelry person.  But I have 4 rings that I love.  Two of the rings are ones that I bought.  Both are tanzanite.  I love tanzanite.  I wear them on my left hand.  The other 2 rings carry more of a sentimental value.  They were rings that I inherited from my Grandmother when she died in 2004.  One is a garnet and the other is a series of sapphires.  I have no idea if they have any real value.  But I hope to pass them along to my Ladybug at some point. 

So the rings were not going on vacation.  So I decided to hide them.  I put them in a safe place and ignored the pit in my stomach.

As I was approaching home the other day, my paranoia resurfaced.  I was sure I would discover that my place had been robbed.  But when I got home -- everything was as I had left it.  My computer sat on my table.  I would not need to replace it.

I was gone for 10 days.  And during those 10 days I completely and totally forgot where I hit my rings.  Not in the jewelry box -- too obvious.  Not in the medicine cabinet.  Not in the desk drawer.  Not in the suitcases.  Not in my dresser.  I looked and looked and looked.  Yep, my paranoia made me misplace my rings.  I looked every day.  They were nowhere.  I had no idea where to even think about looking next. 

Then this morning I went digging through my purse to find something else and pulled out all 4 rings.  Who would have thunk it?  I hid them in the purse... to avoid taking them on vacation ... but I then took my purse on vacation.

Silly me.

Mean Mama

Just the stats

Monday morning I started my gorge days.  Before starting I weighed 273.

This morning I ended my gorge days.  I now weigh 274.8.

Let the dieting begin!

I have 21 days of dieting.  Looking forward to January 26th.  And this time I plan on drinking lots and lots and lots of water.

Wish me luck.

Mean Mama

P.S. 124.8 to go.  Hoping for 20 this round.

sleeping arrangements

Let me explain the sleeping arrangements over the holidays.  First you must know the house.

I was at my grandmother's house.  In the mountains.  She has a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house.  She also has a finished basement.  There is a double bed in my grandmother's bedroom.  A double bed in the guest bedroom.  A double bed in the basement.  And a pull out sofa in the basement.  She needed to house herself, my sister, my niece, my mother, my daughter, and myself.  Completely do-able.  Right?

My grandmother stayed in her bed.  She is 85.  It is her house.  She deserved it. 

My sister and niece stayed on the pull out sofa in the basement.  They share a bed at home so it made sense that they share a bed on vacation.

My mom slept on the sofa in the living room.  The sofa?  Not a pull out.  Wait... why not a bed?

Ladybug and I slept in my grandmother's bedroom ... on the floor.  Wait ... why not a bed?

If I counted right that means that there are 2 empty double beds in the house.  So why didn't we get those beds?  Well the bed in the guest bedroom was apparently bought by my aunt.  It is her bed.  And nobody else is allowed to sleep in it.  The bed in the basement (which by the way was fabulous -- I laid down on it for a few minutes) is reserved for my cousin, his wife, and their children (family bed). 

I have no problem with this in theory.  I mean, I can sleep on the floor for a night.  But why should I have to when there are empty beds?

I am getting to old for this stuff.

Mean Mama

Gorging...again

I was told last night that my gorging list on my previous post really wasn't all that impressive.  I know it doesn't seem like it.  But my belly was yelling at me.  Today was day 2 (and the last) for gorging.

Let's see if today was better...

bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant (x2)
vanilla chai latte
chocolate (lots)
corn
mashed potatoes with gravy
country fried chicken
chex mix
fried cheese (x12)
french bread pepperoni pizza (x2)
pint of ben and jerry's

How is that for ya?

Anybody available to roll me up the stairs so I can go to bed?

Mean Mama

diet update

I have been neglectful in my diet update.  But there was no real good news to tell.  So let me tell the bad news.

The last time I talked about the diet I had decided to do a quick round an drop a few before Christmas.

Really???  What kind of idiot am I?

After Thanksgiving I had my sister's birthday, 2 brother's birthdays, Ladybug's birthday, my birthday, 2 Christmas parties, and stress.  Why would I assume I could ever stick to a diet during that?

To be honest I did drop a few pounds -- before I gave up.  I got down to 268.  And then I gave up.  Just gave up.  I needed to not beat myself up.  I needed to be positive about this.  So I gave up.  And went on vacation.

This morning I weighed in at 273.  Which in the scheme of things is not bad for a holiday vacation of 10 days following a month of bad eating.  And today I started the next round of my starvation diet.  I gorged today.  I hate gorging days.  Seriously.  I can not say that strong enough.  I HATE gorging days.  I never thought I would say that.

chicken salad
double bacon cheeseburger and fries
macaroni and cheese
pint of ben and jerry's

I am not hungry.  And yet I think I should be eating more.  Before bed.  I can't.  I just can't.

Tomorrow will be more food.  Lost more food.  Makes me sick to think about it.

Wednesday I start the healthy eating.  21 days.  Committed.  Looking forward to it.  Send me your strength.

Mean Mama

New Year Resolutions

I know that New Year Resolutions are suppose to be made at the "new year" but I was traveling.  I was thinking of them.  And I was composing -- in my head.  This year I have decided to make a whole list.  Maybe this way I will be able to accomplish some of them.  So here is the list...

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  The diet has started today but that is a separate post.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.
4.  Find a new job.
5.  Move.
6.  Buy my first home.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  That shouldn't be too difficult -- only need to be to bed by 11:30pm.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport.
12.  Get involved with a charity.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...
15.  Start a 529 account.
16.  Clean the house once a month (yes, I know that grosses some people out).
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  Mine has officially died now.
22.  Pay all bills on time.
23.  Become caffeine free.

Okay.  That's it.  With such a long and diverse list there is a real possibility that I can be successful in something.  Wish me luck.  I will update you every month on my success (or failures).

Mean Mama