Last resolution update

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds. And the news at the end of the year is that this has been a big old epic failure.  But I am feeling positive about it.  I will try again.  And this one will be on the list for 2012 -- as it would have been if I succeeded.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least o.ne of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  I read The Help this month.  I won't write the author's name because I don't remember it and I am sure that you all know it.  I will also say that I hated it.  Okay, maybe "hate" is a strong word.  I struggled through it.  Thought it was poorly written.  Thought it was a great idea that was poorly executed.  Yes, I know EVERYONE will disagree with me.  I have also started another book -- that I am failing to remember the exact name of or who wrote it.  It is something like Why We are Fat. 
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  Apparently I am not motivated enough to get this done.  And it will not be on the list in 2012.
4.  Find a new job.  Obviously didn't do this one.  Sad.  Not sure it will make the 2012 list.
5.  Move.  See above.
6.  Buy my first home.  See above.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  Done!  And will not make 2012 list but for a far more positive reason then the ones above.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Removed.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  Sucked this month.  I am determined to get this one back on track in 2012 -- once I have returned to my own bed.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Done!  Well almost.  I will miss December by one blog post.  I refuse to put up a silly post just to make it.  And I count this one as a success.  Especially since I did 251 posts this year.  Not bad at all.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. Will kidfit classes at the Y and swimming starting in 2012 I am counting this one as a success this year.
12.  Get involved with a charity.  Nothing.  I really need to work on this one.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Failure.  And it will be put on the 2012 list.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Removed.
15.  Start a 529 account. Oops!  Big failure.  Need to get this done in 2012.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Success.  And good news is that I left the house in fairly good shape so I should get home to a fairly clean house.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  Hard to do on travel months.  But either way I think we are doing much better with this and I plan to continue it in 2012.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Removed -- because it is too simple.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine. The gym will become my best friend when we return home.  I will succeed at this.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  Removed.  And I refuse to feel bad about my complete inability to do this.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  I think I did a good job at this this month and the year as a whole.  I plan to continue.  And to finally learn photoshop and how to use the video function of my camera.
22.  Pay all bills on time. I really need to work on this one.
23.  Become caffeine free.   I was completely caffeine free...and then I drove for 14 hours.  I will be caffeine free again.  Soon.  But I will not try to do this on vacation -- too dangerous.


And that concludes the year.  Stay tuned for the goals (trimmed down and focused) for 2012 coming soon.


Mean Mama

searching

This is a topic that comes up in my life over and over again.  It is a topic I have debated many times over the years.  From many different points of view.  And I know that it is not a topic that is done for me yet.

I first searched for siblings.  Five, to be exact.  I have 6 biological siblings but I was adopted with one.  Some of the searching was easy.  Some not so much.  I then searched for for my biological mother.  Which was odd.  I thought it would be easy.  I had her name and her age.  I knew what state she lived in and even the town.  But I could not find her.  This was before the internet really entered every home.  But I did eventually find her. I even helped some friends search.

And now searching is on my mind.  I worry that if I don't search for Ladybug that I will run out of time.  I worry that maybe the time has already run out.  What if they are all dead.  How sad would that be for her. 

But the other day I thought I started a rather innocent conversation with my sister at lunch.  It turned into a rather heated debate with my father about the right to search. 

I was rather surprised how against it he was. I don't think it came from a personal stand -- like he was afraid of me rejecting him in place of my biological family.  I mean, let's face it, that is so not going to happen in my case.  But he thought that as a parent relinquished a child for adoption that the parent should check a box allowing for future contact or not by that biological child.  If the biological parent said no then the adoptee (adult or not) should not be allowed to search.  Ever.

I say... screw that.  I (or an adult adoptee) can not be held to a contract that I was not a party to.  And life is fluid.  Who is to say things don't change for all involved.  And that what seemed like the worst thing at the birth (being found by the child you gave up) is not so bad 20...30...40 years later.  I say, history has a way of creeping into your life.  Secrets are impossible. I also say that all people involved should behave like reasonable adults and respect all those involved in the process. 

My dad thinks that the bio parents right to privacy trumps the adoptees' desire to search.  Every single time.  I disagree.

Thoughts?

Mean Mama

Happy with the one I've got

I know that I complain and bitch a lot about all the issues that Ladybug has.  I know we have issues that are difficult at times.  I will not diminish the very really things that we go through.  But after spending a day with  my sister and her child -- I am so glad that I have the one I've got.

Yeah, she drives me insane. 

Yeah, she is high energy.

Yeah, she is defiant.

Yeah, she is difficult to control.

But she is a lovely, thoughtful, funny, little girl.  We have worked hard to hammer out our relationship.  We have come to a place that on most days we co-exist peacefully.  And we have developed a language between us that on most days we understand.

Oh and have I mentioned... I really do love her.  Ladybug, you still are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Mean Mama

The joys of Christmas

The joys of Christmas... when you have a child who is on the attachment spectrum (I made that up but it works for me) are abundant.

1.  If you decide to travel -- all rules don't apply.  They do not need to be nice or polite or even resemble acting like a human.
2.  If you see grandparents (who have been told of all the struggles but don't want to give up their rights to spoil) -- self entitlement will rear it's ugly head.  They get what they want, parents be damned, and therefore it must mean they are in control and therefore, they no longer need to listen to you.  Meaning, #1 is affirmed.
3. It doesn't matter that you spent $150 on the one toy they were sure they could not live without.  It does not matter that it took 3 hours to assemble while they slept so you can keep Santa alive this one last year.  It does not matter that the damn thing is so big that you really aren't sure how to get it home because it will not fit in the car.  All they really want now is what their younger cousin got for Christmas.  And if the younger cousin even looks at that gift that they will not touch, a screaming match will erupt.
4.  You will stay up late driving.  You will stay up late making sure that the magic of Christmas is there for your child.  You will stay up late making sure there is food and cookies, and decorations that they will look back and remember fondly (but not for at least another 20 years)  You will sleep poorly on the blow up mattress in the basement so that they will get plenty of sleep in the comfy beds.  The bags under your eyes will grow so large that an airline would have no issue charging you extra for bringing them on the plane.  And all your child will know is that you are not going that one last extra mile to make everything just a little more exciting.
5.  And if you are smart enough to do therapy and work hard to improve the day to day life of your child, if you have taught her how to express herself and recognize issues as they come up, if you have taught her words that explain attachment, she will only throw it back in your face at a time that will benefit her the most, when she believes that she has the grandparents on her side and she can gang up on you. 

Yeah!  She was only slightly surprised when I reached my limit and threw her in bed (yeah, my bed, the blow up mattress in the basement) and made her go to bed without a story.  Not the best way to end Christmas day.  But I have to say today was a million times better and I am betting it was because I asserted myself as parent in her eyes.

Gotta love attachment

Mean Mama

vacation prep

It is always hard to get work ready for a vacation.  I must plan ahead.  I must consider deadlines.  I must prepare clients and inform the attorneys and other paralegal of where each case is.  It takes some time. 

This time was a little easier because of the 8 business days that I will be out of the office, the office will be closed 5 of those days.

It was a little more difficult because at the end of last week this is what my desk looked like...

There was a lot of work to be done.  And on top of all my work, the other paralegal in the office was on vacation all week.  So I had her caseload to keep track of.  But by the time I left work today this is what my desk looked like...

And now I am on vacation!

Mean Mama

Ready!

I think we are officially ready for Christmas.

Now I have to pack it all up, pack clothes, and drive for 2 days.  Shouldn't be bad.  Anybody know if there are any freak snow storms planned?

Mean Mama

Christmas prep

Do you remember my post a little while ago saying that I planned on keeping my kitchen table clean so we could eat at the table every night for dinner?  Well, I can't lie... not every night.  But most nights.  Which drives Ladybug nuts.  But the newest part of Christmas prep has made it difficult.  The table has turned into the project table too.  This is what it has looked like for the better part of the last week.

I am beginning to think I could benefit from a project table.

So we have made some earrings for Christmas.  Is that cheating?  I pull out the beads and I make.  Cheap.  Easy.  And Ladybug gets to design some too.  Which means she gets to give gifts that are just from her.  Well, she designs but I have to do actual work of putting them together.  The first pair she designed has about 20 beads on it...I had to ask her to tone it down.

 The ones above are for my younger sister.  I designed the ones on the left.  Ladybug designed the ones on the right.

 The pair above is for my older sister.  Ladybug is giving her a travel coffee mug.

 This is a pair for my friend I will be staying with during part of the vacation.  I don't think orange is her favorite color but since she was born on Halloween I think she should own a pair of orange earrings.

 The ones above are for my step mom.  Ladybug designed the ones on top.  I did the ones on the bottom.  She needs lots of new earring since someone stole all of her jewelry about a year ago when she was on vacation.

The ones above are for my mom.  She asked for blue earrings.  I think she is getting what she wants.  Ladybug is getting her a book.

The pair above is the earrings Ladybug has designed for me.  I had to put them together.  But I get to open a gift from her on Christmas morning.

Mean Mama

Rudolph

In between all the negative behaviors and hard times,  Ladybug has been offering me to tidbits of information.  Sometimes, it is something that just makes me giggle.  Sometimes, it makes me sit back and scratch my head.  And sometimes, it makes me realize that she really does listen to me.

The other day we were driving home from the gym (yep, still going -- not every day -- and nursing an Achilles injury).  My radio station is in the "24/7 Christmas songs" period of the year. Rudolph came on and we were singing away.  It is a fun song.  Upbeat.  Childish.  Cute.

Ladybug:  Are the other reindeers making fun of Rudolph because he looks different?
Mama: Um.  Well.  Yes, they did.
Ladybug: That is not nice.
Mama:  You're right.
Ladybug:  Everybody looks different, you should not make fun of people because of that.
Mama: You're right.
Ladybug:  We look different.
Mama: What do you mean?
Ladybug: You look different from me.  And people should not make fun of us just because we look different.
Mama:  True.  Families come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and colors.
Ladybug: So they should have been nice to Rudolph.

Mean Mama

I knew it was coming

She has been doing so well that I knew we were going to blow. 

This morning was... well... hell.

She woke me up an HOUR before I had to get up and I didn't go to bed until nearly 1:30am so I was already pleasant.

When it came time to get ready she wouldn't put down the video game.

She couldn't figure out how to find her pants.

That she put away.

I had to ask her 6 times to get them on.

Oh and then she hit me.

She couldn't figure out how to put her jacket on.

She had a fit that I threw away the rest of the birthday cake.

Because ants were all over it.

Then she didn't put on her socks and shoes.
She stood in the bathroom staring at me with the toothbrush hanging out of her mouth refusing to brush her teeth for about 5 minutes.

And then the fake crying started...

She made it through school without major issues.  She blew out of jump rope club before she even walked in the door.  She cried while at the afterschool program.

I knew what I had to do.  I had to cancel my plans to go to the gym.  I had to go home.  Sit with her while she did homework.  Cook with her.  Do arts and crafts with her.  Read stories with her.  If I had any hope of getting out of this with little damage.  And then when we were walking out to the car this is the conversation we had...

Ladybug: Are you going to olkdfoffgre me?
Me: What? (I swear I thought she asked me if I was going to punch her.  That can't be right.  Can it?)
Ladybug:  Are you going to kjsdfhnef me?
Me: Honey I can't hear you.  What are you asking?  (This time I am pretty sure she is asking if I am going to push her.  Really?  What is going through her head).
Ladybug: Are you going to punish me?
Me: (Oh now that makes more sense.  And is far less scary then what was going on in my head).  No.  I was thinking we needed to spend some extra time together and try to make things better.
Ladybug: Oh.  Okay.

Please let tomorrow be better. Pleeeeeeeease!

Mean Mama

i hate the fake crying

Lotion snob

One of my friends, who will remain nameless, is begging me to get a new addiction.  Pinterest.  She loves it.  I refuse to use it.  I need another addiction like I need a hole in my head.  But today I went to the website.  Ssshhhhhh! Don't tell her.  I didn't go to get involved.  I went to see if I could find any new lotions ideas.  What I found was that... I am a snob.

Some time ago I started making my own lotion.  I don't buy lotion.  I don't use lotion.  I have skin that doesn't require it.  And then I adopted Ladybug.  I was told over and over that I would need to learn how to care for her skin and hair.  And like most typical new adopted parents of children from Ethiopia I spent years buying new products and trying them then shoving the rest into the the back of some cabinet.  And then I got on this "natural" kick.  I was surprised that on Pinterest every recipe included either wax (who puts wax on their skin) or just shows people who to combine other commercial lotions into their own jar.  I want to actually make lotion.

I discovered that most commercial lotions have a ton of crap in it.  And the natural stuff is way too expensive.  So now I make my own.  And it is all natural.  And people will be getting it for xmas this year.  We made lotion today.

We started with this...

Please note that all these ingredients are pure.  That means the vitamin E oil is only vitamin E.  The Shea butter is only Shea butter.  No need to buy a bunch of things with lots of other ingredients in it.  The one exception is the fragrance oil you see in the front... but that was also bought at a health food store and is all natural.

We (because Ladybug helped out with this whole process) put all the Shea butter in the mixing bowl.

Actually that was only half but I later doubled the recipe and used it all.

Then add the oils.

I ended up doing 8 Tablespoons of olive oil and 4 Tablespoons of vitamin oil.  I used both bottles of the fragrance oil.

Then add the coconut oil.  This got tricky.   I was suppose to use 8 ounces for a double recipe.  My jar was 14 ounces.  So I pulled out my kitchen scale.  But the battery was dead.  So I guessed.  I think I used more than 8 ounces.  But this recipe is forgiving.

Blend until smooth.  Just set on high and walk away.

The lotion is very runny.  It needs to chill and set.  But I thought it would be best to get it into the jars first.  First I tried by using a funnel.  It worked but was really slow.  I ended up putting it all into a ziplock bag, cutting a corner off, and squeezing like a pastry bag.  Quick and simple.

This is what we ended up with.

And they are now chilling in the fridge.  15 jars. You can easily modify the recipe with whatever oil you like.  Add jojoba, or caster, or cocoa butter, or whatever you want.  Add your favorite fragrance.  It can be used on skin.  It can be made lighter or diluted to use on hair. 

Mean Mama

refusing to bang my head

I hesitate to tell you how wonderful Ladybug is doing.  Because I know that as soon as I open my mouth things will go downhill.  That is just my kind of luck...and it is all about me.

School has been amazing.  A few minor X's on her contract every once in a while.  Mostly about talking.  No aggression.  No defiance.  No gluing erasers to the chair.  Good behavior.

After school program is great.  Okay, she got kicked out of jump rope club last week for licking the coach.  Yes, I said "licking."  I don't know why.  I just asked her not to again.  She left jump rope club this week because she felt the coach was being unfair.  She is big on the idea that things should be fair.  But one of the nice things about this program is that they love her.  I mean they really LOVE her.  Even when she is being a little ridiculous.

What made the difference?  I stopped banging my head against the brick wall.  Seriously.  I stopped trying to resolve everything.  I stopped trying to fit her into the boxes other people wanted her to be in.  I stopped freaking out over everything.  And she responded. 

And apparently everybody else has decided to stop banging their heads too.

Mean Mama

Photos

I got a new toy for Christmas.  I know it's not Christmas yet but my mama let me pick it out.  And now I have a hobby.  I am playing with my photos.  Here are some of my photos that I have been editing and enhancing...

Mean Mama

Random observations while at the gym today

1.Apparently it is not wise to wear the same clothes on day 2 to workout if I did cardio the day before -- I stank so bad I couldn't stand to be near myself.
2. Dear IBM Man (Yes, he had an IBM t-shirt on), about 50% of men go bald. It is far sexier to be bald than to have a dead animal on your head, and we can all tell it is not your real hair. Besides, who wants to have a rug on their head while sweating.  I can barely stand to have my real hair on my head when working out.
3. Dear Short Boy, I know being short is a blow to your manly ego but putting the bike seat on the highest setting of the stationary bike and then having to wiggle from side to side while you peddle only makes you look silly.  And since you have to readjust your butt back on the seat about every 30 seconds, I have to believe that you already know this.  On the other hand, it is possible that you are doing some serious work on you love handles.
3. Dear Young Girl, it is great that you are exercising. Now use some of those muscles to control the motions instead of looking like a jelly fish on the bike.
4. Dear Hot Guy with the fabulous legs (yes, I was openly drooling over you today), please stop biting your tongue while you pump the weights... you are ruining my fantasies that are helping me to get through this workout.

Turns out the Gym is a better place to people watch than the mall.

Mean Mama

World AIDS Day

HIV and AIDS is not new to me.  It is not new to a lot of people. 

When I was in high school -- many moons ago -- my mom worked for a company where it was her job to do research for AIDS educators.  She did book research, not medical research. 

When I was in elementary school I was best friends with a set of twins.  The quiet shy twin contracted HIV from her cheating boyfriend in college.

Ladybug's had a first best friend.  They met soon after she came home at day care.  They were inseparable.  Her dad also works in HIV world -- although I am unclear exactly what he does.  He travels all over the world for his job.

And then, of course, there is Ladybug.  Ladybug was born to 2 HIV+ parents.  Her first mother was likely HIV+ through the pregnancy and birth of Ladybug.  Ladybug's mother died of complications of her HIV+ status nearly 18 months after Ladybug was born.  Ladybug's father was in advanced stages of AIDS at the time Ladybug was relinquished for adoption. 

AIDS changed everything for her.  Her parents.  Her family.  Her name.  Her language.  Her country.  Her food.  Her possibilities.  Her future.  AIDS picked her up off the path she was on and dropped her on a completely different road. 

And, of course, AIDS has touched my life.  It gave me my daughter.  I love her and can not imagine my life without her.  But it didn't have to be this way.

Learn about AIDS and HIV.

Mean Mama