monthly update

I really need to have a shorter new years resolution list.

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  Progress!  In the wrong direction.  But feeling motivated again.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  The Crush by Sandra Brown.  I am really enjoying her books...even if they are romantic murder mystery trash books.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  I am having a hard enough time writing the necessary legal documents I am required to write for my job.
4.  Find a new job.  Nothing!  Seriously.  Expanded my search area.  Five states.  And nothing.  Well I did contact my previous boss and asked - jokingly - if I could have my old job back and she told me that the person who replaced me is thinking of leaving.  I have no idea if it is a salary I can afford.  But i know the job.  I like the work.  I love my old boss.  It might be possible.
5.  Move.  Still on square one on this one.
6.  Buy my first home.  Again, this one has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  I poured my entire federal tax return into this card.  And that does not pay it off.  Still working on that plan to solve this -- maybe this month.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Removed.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  Working on this one.  Working... working... working.  Not so successful on this one.  But better this week.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Another successful month.  At least I have one thing I am successful at.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. Jump rope club is over.  Summer camp starts in 2 weeks.  Pool is open for the weekends.  And I have decided that she is going to be a runner.  She is resisting that but I am working on it.
12.  Get involved with a charity. I just realized that I do this every month.  I sponsor a child.  I will write about this one later.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.  But I want to.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Removed.
15.  Start a 529 account.  I will open this account in September.  Seriously.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Did good.  But my child has decided to wreck her room every single day.  And then she is stunned when I ask her to clean it.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  Terrible.  Truly.  Must do better.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Removed -- because it is too simple.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  Started.  2 days ago.  Walking 1 mile every day.  With Ladybug.  Aiming for a marathon in 2012 -- or maybe 2013.  Any ideas?  I am kind of partial to the Boston but open to other ideas.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  Removed.  And I refuse to feel about my complete inability to do this.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  I took a fair number of pics this month.
22.  Pay all bills on time. I am going to count this one as a win because I paid all the bills this month -- even if not on time.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Overall good on this one.  I mean, I had some sodas but not because I was trying to pour caffeine into my body (most days).

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama

I had a plan

It may not always seem so, but I had a plan.  For the weekend.  It was a holiday.  A long weekend.  So I had a plan. 

Saturday we were going to relax.  Then go to see Kung Fu Panda 2.  She has been waiting for it to open for months.  She loved the first one.  She wanted to see 2.

Sunday we were going to go to the beach.  This is no small thing.  It would be about a 6 hour drive to the beach I love.  But I figured we could do it.  Leave 6 am, arrive at noon, leave at 6 pm, and arrive home at midnight.  It could work.

Monday we would go to the pool and do chores.

It seemed reasonable.  It seemed possible.

Saturday: off to the movies.  Kung Fu Panda 2 was good.  And we would have enjoyed it.  Did you catch it?  We WOULD have enjoyed it.  Apparently it is not in my best interest to go to the movies so close to opening day.  It was packed.  A child on the other end of my row cried through the entire movie.  I know it was a kid's movie but if your kid is crying -- LEAVE!  The mother in front of me did not get off her smart phone.  Texts... web browsing... more texts.  The 2 boys behind me took turns kicking my chair.  Then they started throwing things in my hair.  And then they started playing with my hair.  And their mother did nothing.  But we made it through the movie and enjoyed it.

As we walked out of the movie theater I was hit by the bright lights.  Extremely bright sun.  I didn't understand it at the time but it really seemed blinding.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  I could barely see to walk to my car.  I don't remember it being this bright ever walking out of a movie theater.  By the time we reached home I knew what was happening...a migraine was on the way.  So I crawled into bed and read for a while.  While Ladybug played in her room.  Until she got bored and crawled into bed with me.  She slept.  I read.  She fell out of bed.  I scooped her up.  When she woke up, I put her in front of a movie and crawled back in bed.

My migraine broke at about 4am on Sunday.  So there was no way I was going to drive 6 hours to the beach for the day.  And apparently I had no other bright ideas for the day.  We did nothing.  NOTHING.  Well, we ended up going out for Ethiopian food and ice cream in the evening -- but otherwise nothing.

Luckily, she took it well.  Luckily, I had not even said the word "beach" to her.  So she had no idea what she was missing. 

Mean Mama

something to think about

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

If anybody

Most of the time I hear adoptive parents teaching people who are not adoptive parents about how their language needs to be changed. 

Our children are not the "lucky" ones.
They are our "real" children.
We don't like to talk about the details of their history in public.

But what I also hear those same adoptive parents saying is just as disturbing.  I have heard several parents say "If anybody serves X, Y, or Z, it is an adoptive parent."

Huh?

We are normal, everyday families but please treat us special because we adopted? 

Does not compute.

Mean Mama

How babies are born

We got in the car.  I was giving her a surprise.  I have learned not to tell her about surprises because she will blow out.  She was dressed in a pretty summer dress and white gloves up to her elbows.  Don't ask me why -- I have no idea. She wanted to take her kitty (stuffed) with her and I decided to let her.

As we buckled up we started this conversation:

Ladybug: Kitty is giving birth.
Mama: Eewwww.  Not in the car. (Maybe I shouldn't paint giving birth as a gross process)
Ladybug: Well the baby isn't coming out right now.
Mama: Okay.  So she is pregnant.
Ladybug: Which means she has to give birth.
Mama: Yes, but when the baby comes out that is the actual giving birth process.
Ladybug: So why is that gross? (Yep, back to bite me on the butt)
Mama:  Well not in the car.  It could get messy.
Ladybug:  Tell me how it is messy.
Mama: I don't think I am old enough for this conversation. (I really don't want to give a biology lesson today)
Ladybug: Mom!  I am old enough.  Just tell me.
Mama:  You may be old enough but I am not. (Seriously, I am not old enough for these conversations)
Ladybug: But you are old.
Mama: Thanks kid. (Because this is the second time today I have been called old)
Ladybug: Just tell me.
Mama: Well it gets a little messy because other things other than just the baby come out.  (Any chance she will accept this as the final answer?)
Ladybug: Like what? (I guess that is a no)
Mama: Well, there is the amniotic fluid. (It has been a long time since I took biology)
Ladybug: What is that?
Mama: The liquid the baby swims in while inside the mama.  (A really long time)
Ladybug: What else comes out?
Mama: Well, the placenta comes out. (And I never gave birth)
Ladybug: What is that?
Mama: The thing that feeds the baby while inside the mama. (Is that right?)
Ladybug: What else comes out?
Mama: Some blood. (True?)
Ladybug: This would be easier if people just laid eggs.

And then I try to control the laughter and tears streaming down my face because I am driving.  But yes, I think it would be.

Mean Mama

I got it all wrong

The other day I saw a short clip on TV.  I think it was Disney...because I watch way too much Disney these days (oh how I long for the days when bad Disney acting will be behind me).  It was about an 8 (or maybe he was 9) year old boy that runs marathons.  His dad also runs...but the son is a better runner.  He trains.  He keeps track of his routines.  He races.  But it gets better.  He is one of 10 kids in the family.  The kids range from teenager to 2 years old.  And they all run.  Obviously at different levels. 

And it hit me.  One of my new year's resolution is to train for a marathon.  But I keep putting it off because I am fat.  I believe I need to lose weight first.  And then I realized that if I started training I would lose weight.  I don't have to wait.  I can start.

And then it occurred to me...how do I train for a marathon as a single mother?  I have trained for a marathon before.  I never actually ran a marathon.  But I trained.  I set out a schedule and stuck to it. I ran a little...and then a little more...and then a lot more.  On average I was running about 35 miles per week.  I was slow.  But I liked distance.  I hated hills.  But I liked the rain.  I hated the first mile of every run.  But I could (and did) run 5 miles with a broken toe  (I break my toes a lot).

So why didn't I run a marathon since I was training?  Luck.  Or more accurately, bad luck.  My marathon was scheduled for April.  After months of hard, dedicated training, I got sick the first week of January.  I mean knock me on the ass and stay in bed sick.  I got a viral infection.  And I was in bed for a week.  And it is amazing how a week of bed rest will wreck your training.  But I was determined.  I came back strong.  My schedule of training to prepare for the marathon had no room for adjustment.  I cranked up the running...in January... in the dead of winter.  So not surprisingly, I got sick ... again.  Bronchitis and viral infection.  In February.  And I spent another week in bed.  While I was down, I was not out.  I came back running.  And then the debilitating thing happened.  I got a foot injury.  Painful, long term, and down for the count.  It took about 6 months to heal.  And then I got a knee injury.  Not as painful, but really long term.  Will never really heal from it.  So I never ran a marathon.  But I never lost the desire.

But back to the idea of training as a single mom?  I get up early?  Come on!  I will never get up earlier than Ladybug -- and I can't leave her at home.  I can train after work?  Homework?  Dinner?  Family time?  Bed time?  I don't see that happening.  A gym?  Money. 

So here is the idea.  I can start training, which for now is walking.  I can't run with this weight on a bad knee.  I can walk before work.  With Ladybug.  She is up.  She has energy.  She can use the exercise too...to burn energy.  That will require me to go to bed earlier.  Which is not a bad thing for me.  And then after she goes to bed I can use the Wii to do some strength training.  SO instead of trying to work around my child, I will try to include my child.

Mean Mama
So that is the new fantasy...wonder if I will make it a reality.

Channeling Fancy Nancy

Today was "Fancy Nancy" day at school.  It is part of spirit week.  So we did it up.  Tutu.  Crown.  Necklaces.  Rings. Bracelets.  Hair accessories.

We showed up at school.  Looking fancy.  And noticed all the other girls were wearing their...Sunday best.  Fancy Nancy believes in accessories.  Not just pretty tights and bows on perfect little dresses.  But what if I made the mistake?

Mean Mama

driving rules

Have you ever gotten stuck behind a car at a red light and then the red light turns green and the person in front of you doesn't go anywhere?  Of course you have.  So what is the proper thing to do?

If I am in a good mood when this happens, I lightly tap the horn and toot the person in front of me back to reality and we go on our merry way.

If I am in a bad mood, I let a few four letter words fly, lay on the horn, and flip off the ass in front of me for not knowing how to drive.

Both seem reasonable to me - depending on my mood.  But my question is...what if the car in front of me is a cop?  Because that is what happened to me this morning.

For the record, I did nothing.  Waited.  Watched the green go from green to yellow to red.  And waited for the next green.

Mean Mama

siblings

I recently read a post on facebook about siblings in adoption.  One person (whose aunt placed a child for adoption) said that biology doesn't matter.  That child is not a part of her family.  She is not a cousin or a sibling or a child.  That she can not push her way into the lives of the other family members. 

Biology?  Siblings? 

I lost 5 of my 6 biological siblings when I was adopted.  I was adopted with one siblings.  I have since found all of them -- and lost some again.  Is there importance in the sibling relationship in the adoption world?

My siblings (not adopted with):
T - technically a half sister (different father). Smart but did not use her potential.  Or is that a judgment?  She lost 2 of her 3 children to the foster care system.  She never held a job.  She dated men in jail.  She mooched.  She begged for money.  She lied.  She spent some time in jail for stealing social security checks from an old lady.  I cut her off.

C - I found her.  I pissed her off.  She cut me off.  She went to college.  She study working with people with disabilities.  She ended up having a child with severe disabilities.  She married an abusive ass (yeah, another judgment). 

J - I found him.  He has disabilities but I am unclear to what extent.  He disowned his adoptive family at 18.  Now 18 years later he is trying to re-establish that relationship.  This year he has been arrested twice (that I know of) for theft by writing bad checks.  He stole his best friend's wife (right after he divorce his best friend's mother).

P - I  found him.  Successful business man.  Musician (fairly successful).  Husband.  Father of 3.  Conservative.

J2 - I found him.  Single.  Devoted to his family.  Chef. 

Sibling (I was adopted with):
A: Educator.  Single mother - while completely different in style than me, a good mother.  Religious.  Former military.  Fairly conservative.  Big spender (more so than an educator can afford).  Gullible.  Optimistic.  Not really interested in hearing about alternatives to her own thoughts.

Me: Social worker.  Paralegal.  Single mother.  Strict.  Liberal.  Atheist.  Pessimist.  Stubborn.  Known as the oppositional employee at the office.  Opinionated -- and often wrong.

We all seem to have very little in common.  I regret none of my decisions to search for them (even the ones that I no longer talk to).  My lost siblings are my biggest regret with my adoption.  I believe when it comes to siblings, biology does matter.  I wish my daughter had siblings -- although she swears she has them. 

Thoughts?  Does your child have biological siblings?  How do you handle that?  What would you do if your child wanted contact?  If they were minors?

Mean Mama

I was perfect...almost

Tuesday could have been a hard day.  But I refused.

At about 4:30pm I received a call from Ladybug's afterschool program.  The counselor is a very calm girl -- college student.  Sweet.  Nothing rattles her.  And always smiles.  But she called.  Ladybug was melting down.  Refusing to listen.  Refusing to follow rules.  The counselor wanted some hints. 

I haven't talked to them about her new diagnosis.  I was hoping it was necessary.  And there is no way I can do this over the phone.  So I tried to handle it.  I asked to talk with Ladybug on the phone.  Upon hearing my voice she started crying and whining.  I couldn't understand anything she was saying.  I asked if she thought she could turn it around and have a good afternoon.  She clearly said no.  So I told the counselor I was coming to get her.

I could leave early.  It was only 20 minutes.  And my boss has been on vacation for 2 weeks -- I can leave 20 minutes early. 

I got to the program and parked.  I went in.  She was ready to go.  Backpack was on.  But I decided to take a few minutes and talk to the counselor.  Just a few things.  Eye contact.  Promises and no threats.  Follow through.  Zero tolerance.  And they can always call me.  I can not expect them to deal with her when she is melting down.

Ladybug hated it.  She didn't want to sit out of earshot and wait for me.  But I made her.  And then we left.  She was determined to punish me for talking to the counselor.  But I kept it light.  And normal.  I asked what she had for lunch.  About recess.  About "special" class.  She wanted to be mad.  She tried to stay mad.  But she couldn't.  And that made her sad.

We did homework when we got home.  We had dinner.  We got the "emotion" faces out and talked about them.  We talked about the options she did not take earlier in the day.  We talked about what she could do the next time. 

I was calm.  I was friendly.  I smiled -- all the way up to my crows feet eyes.  I laughed.  I was affectionate.  She was able to crawl out of her funk.  It was a lot of work.  But it worked.  And I was proud of myself.  I managed to do it all right. 

And then I crawled into bed with her.  She picked one of her library books.  And I realized that maybe I should be more careful about the books she gets at the library.  Our bedtime story that night?  Walter the Farting Dog.

Mean Mama

And that is what I get

I had a hard day at work.  A new client dropped off a memory stick and asked us to look at the video on it.  Because she was concerned about her children.  Mini boss asked me to take a look first to see if it was anything he needed to watch.  I looked...with my chin on the floor...literally.  The behavior the children were displaying is...well let's just say that I have no doubt that these children were abused in the worst imaginable way.  I worked late so I could help with the process of helping the mom and reporting this to the proper authorities.

So I came home stressed.  I can't imagine what this mother was going through.  I was stressed.  So I did what I do when I am stressed.  I ate.  I stole Ladybug's M&Ms.  I shoveled M&Ms into my mouth.  Even though I knew it was wrong.

Ladybug would be mad.  But I didn't eat them all.  She would never know.  And eventually I stopped myself.  And after a while I looked over at the table they sat on.  And saw...

ANTS.

Lots and lots of little ants.  I tried taking photos of them in the bag but the little buggers move to fast.

And now I am pretty sure I feel the little buggers trying to crawl out of my throat.

Mean Mama

The good and the bad

The Good: My house is clean.
The Bad: I had to clean it because Ladybug broke the toilet and I didn't want the plumber coming into my house when it looked like that.

The Good: My clothes are all clean.
The Bad: None of them are put away and I think I should seriously consider the option of getting rid of my dresser since I obviously don't use it.

The Good: I got a standardize note home last week from the school saying that if I wanted to switch schools for Ladybug next year that I should consider this list of schools.
The Bad:  The deadline for applying to any other schools was January 14th.

The Good: I paid all my bills this month...and still have money left over.
The Bad: Summer camp is going to cost a small fortune this summer.

The Good:  Ladybug has proven a lot lately that she is able to quickly rebound from her mini meltdowns and blow ups.
The Bad: I had to use the words "a lot" in the above sentence.

The Good:  Ladybug is getting comfortable using the words "I'm sorry" when she messes up.
The Bad: "Please" and "Thank you" are apparently still a foreign language to her.

The Good: My work load at my job has been light lately since my Big Boss has been on vacation (longest flipping vacation ever).
The Bad: I am now dreaming of ways to hurt Mini Boss and not get caught.

The Good: I am off caffeine -- again.
The Bad: I really want to crawl back in bed and sleep.

The Good: I got my Federal Tax Return last week (including the small adoption part).
The Bad: No word on the State Tax Return -- but let's face it, it is not a lot of money.

The Good: It looks like I have 3 vacations planned this summer.
The Bad: Oh come on, let's face it... there is nothing bad about 3 vacations in one summer.

Mean Mama

Picky eater

Ladybug is a picky eater.  Really.  If it is not pizza, hamburger, chicken nuggets, chocolate, or ice cream... she is not interested.  As a matter of fact she even refused the chicken nuggets this week because I bought the wrong brand. 

But as much as I bitch about her eating habits, I think it is possible, just possible, that maybe she got it from me. 

This week one of the women at the office had a birthday.  Our secretary decided we would cook lunch for her.  I was assigned to bring bread.  The other paralegal was assigned to bring dessert.  The secretary agreed to bring lasagna and salad.  Now I realize that I should have seen the disaster in the making.  We don't like the same foods.

To her mac and cheese is a vegetable.  To her green beans should be cooked until they practically turn gray.  To her barbeque sauce is a vinegar based dipping sauce.  I do not believe any of those things.  So I should have known that I would not like the food. 

In my defense, I kept thinking, "How bad can you screw up lasagna and salad?"  Apparently I shouldn't have asked the question.

The lasagna was not good.  But it was edible.  I just didn't enjoy it.  Oh that seems wrong to say.  Lasagna is a cheesy, gooey, Italian piece of heaven.  But not the way she makes it.  She makes it with noodles, meat, and tomato sauce.  No ricotta.  No mozzarella.  No parmesan. No good sauce.  Burnt edges.  And I absolutely prefer my lasagna to be meatless.

But the real shocker was the salad.  Salad should be lettuce and veggies.  Cut them up and toss together.  Simple.  How can that get messed up?  Again, I should not have asked.

I walked into lunch and saw a beautiful glass pedestal bowl.  It was one of those huge dessert bowls that people use to show off a layered dessert.  However, in this bowl was a layered salad.  Lettuce.  Tomatoes.  Celery. Carrots.  Peas.  Salad dressing.  And bacon.  It looked pretty.  And gross at the same time.  The problems included:

1. Who puts peas (canned peas) in a salad?
2.  Salad dressing should not be a "layer" of anything.  There was as much dressing in my portion of salad as there was all the veggies combined.  It is suppose to enhance the taste.  Not over power it.
3.  The bacon was raw.  I think.  I mean, it was pink and white.  Cooked bacon is not pink and white.  I love bacon.  But I like it cooked.

I was nice.  I ate some of the lasagna and some of the salad.  I ate a lot of the bread (which I bought -- not homemade).  And I learned a lesson.  Ladybug gets it all from me.

Mean Mama

Dear Blogger

Dear Blogger,

I would just like to say....

I AM PISSED.

I did a fabulous post the other night.  I stayed up way past my bed time.  I poured my heart and soul into this post about how wonderful my daughter is doing.  I read it.  I edited it.  I was sure it was exactly how I wanted it.  And this morning I wake up to discover it is...

GONE!!!

It is not on my blog.  It is not in my drafts.  It is no where to be found.

This is a chronicle of my journey in and out of sanity -- also know as parenthood.  I am disappointed it is gone.  And I am worried.  Worried because nothing ever really disappears in the internet world.  So where is my post?  Floating around?  Landing on other people's blogs?

I have had enough lost this week.  This week I lost 3 months of billing data at work that now must be recreated.  Three months or we don't get paid.  I don't have the time or energy to recreate my post.  But I want it back.

So I will say this as nicely as I am capable of doing...

PLEASE give me back my words.

With kind regards,

Mean Mama

PS - please keep in mind I did earn my name.

What counseling is doing for us

Not too long ago I actually voiced to someone (maybe more then one person) that I was not sure I wanted to be (or could be) Ladybug's mom any more.  I felt like a bad parent.  I felt like things were getting worse.  I was sure she would be better off with someone else.  Because obviously I was not doing a good job with her.  And the worse it got ... the worse I got with her.  I was fast becoming America's Worst parent, getting closer every day.

Do you have any idea how desperate a parent must be to even be thinking "I don't want my child"?  And once I admitted that then I felt worse.  And less capable.  And more desperate.

I have always been a firm believer in having a good therapist.  Emphasis on the word "good"!  I have had some good therapist in the past.  Let's be real about this... if I had a medical issue that needed expert attention nobody would question me for seeking assistance from an expert.  Nobody would shun me if I took care of my health or the health of my child.  But there is such a stigma associated with seeking help for psychological reasons.  I am taking care of the mental of health of myself and my daughter.  I "manned up" to messing up with her.  I admitted I was clueless.  I was honest about all the things I did wrong.  Oh it is not easy to tell anybody that I had images of slapping her or giving her away.  It was not fun to think this was all my fault.  But I did it.  Because no matter how hard it was, I knew it was what was best... for her ... and for us.

So, as you are aware, I sought therapy.  And I will not apologize for it.  I will not feel bad for it.  I will not doubt that it is what was best for her.  And for me.  As they say..."If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  And in my profession I have learned -- it is all about the best interest of the child.

Today, this is what happened for us:

I pulled up to the Y to pick her up from her after school program.
I saw her outside talking to the counselor handling "rides out"
She took one look at me and turned and went back inside.  Which is not going in the right direction.
I got out of the car and talked with counselor because I knew this could not be good news.
Listening issues but nothing major.
But Ladybug wanted to turn it into a drama.
So I went inside to get her - not typical.
She kept trying to get away from the counselors as they were trying to corral her in one spot.
I finally caught up to her.
She started sobbing and wailing.  Full out drama.
I held her for a few minutes.
She calmed down.
She told me she knew I was going to be mad and she would get in trouble.
So she tried to avoid it - which typically would just be compounding the problem.
Her crime?
She took the counselors phone and tried to dial it.  She didn't give it back.
I made her apologize.
And the crisis was over.
We went home and had a good night.  Homework.  Dinner.  Card games.  Bath.  American Idol.

And that is what counseling is doing for us.  So I want to say to all those parents out there -- who likely do not have the time to read my blog -- do not feel bad about seeking the professional help that your family needs.  The disapproval of others does not hold a candle to what is happening to my family because of having this professional in my life.  So call me a bad mother... call me incapable... tell me what it is I am doing wrong... and look at the wonderful, loving, sweet, passionate, growing little girl I have and the amazing relationship we are building.  I will not feel bad about seeking the assistance we needed.

Mean Mama

the blame game

I am so frustrated with her school. 

Last summer I moved.  I moved to the town I work in.  It is a more expensive town but it is also the town with better schools.  Before I picked my place I checked out the neighborhood school.  One of the best in town.  I talked to a friend who had a daughter who went through this elementary school.  It consistently gets good grades.  It has a good reputation.  Everybody loves it.

I don't.

Take away the fact that they send home a note at least once a week asking for money or donations for something.  Take away the fact that the school counselor starting seeing Ladybug on a weekly basis without my permission.  Take away the fact that the principal has called my daughter a bully.  And I am still pissy.

Ladybug is a "bad" kid.  She has been labeled.  Oh, they will say (and have) she is perfectly normal.  They will say (and have) that she is in no need of an IEP.  And yet she is the problem.  With everything.

Last week I got an email from her teacher.  It was an email that went to me and to a parent of another child.  She stated that the other little girl (A) said to Ladybug that she was going to kill Ladybug's sister. 

Hey, it wasn't Ladybug this time!

And then the next sentence of the email stated the teacher was sure that A would not have said that to Ladybug if Ladybug had not been teasing A.  Obviously A was stressed and Ladybug pushed it too far.

Did I see this right?  A kid threatens my child and it is my child's fault?  But I did not get upset.  I mean, I don't want anything to happen to A.  Ladybug told another kid she was going to kill him earlier this year.  She got a warning home from the principal (the one when she was called a bully) but with the "zero tolerance" policy I was glad she wasn't kicked out of school.  I just emailed back saying I would discuss it with Ladybug.

So this is what really happened.  A wanted Ladybug to do something.  Ladybug refused.  A told Ladybug that if she didn't do it she would have her older sister kill Ladybug.  That took a five minute conversation with Ladybug.  Slightly different than what was reported.  I asked about the teasing.  Ladybug stated she was not teasing A.  But A said she was.  And Ladybug didn't correct it because she didn't want A to get in trouble.

Later that night I got an email from the mother of A.  And what Ladybug told me was what happened.  The mother apologized.  Her older daughter has emotional issues and says those kinds of things and it appears that the younger girl is picking it up.

But the real problem is... Ladybug gets blamed.

Then today she came home and explained she had to each lunch alone.  Why?  I am still not clear on this.  She was having a perfect day -- or so her behavior contract said.  And she bit into an orange and it sprayed another child in the face.  And she got moved. 

Really?  I am really beginning to hate her school.

Mean Mama

She's Got a Ticket to Ride

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.

Today I got to sleep until 9:45am. 

My daughter made me breakfast...toast.

We went out for lunch...which I paid for.

I ate too much ice cream.

I didn't fight with my daughter.

We had a tickle and kiss fight at bedtime.

I tried calling my mother but she somehow avoided my call despite only having a cell phone.

And I got to play mom -- cooking, laundry, dishes, food shopping, etc.

I guess it couldn't be better.

Mean Mama

Sabotage

It is a common theme when it comes to kids with attachment issues.  And yet it is still painful to watch while it is happening.  It happens.  Over and over.  But we want each time to be the last. 

Ladybug has been fabulous lately.  Good.  Wanting to please.  Loving.  Cuddly.  Ok, more like clingy but it a very loving way.  So Thursday I announced that she would be having an overnight visit with her friend B this weekend (my house).

And the sabotage began.  She turned into a whiny, demanding, angry girl.  I picked her up from the Y after school on Friday.  I greeted her with smiles and hugs.  She greeted me with demands and a complete lack of listening skills.

Mama: Hi Honey.
Ladybug:  Can we go out of dinner?
Mama: Hi Honey!
Ladybug:  I guess that means no!
Mama:  Hi Honey.
Ladybug: Hi (said in a breathless groan fashion)
Mama: Would you like a piece of gum?
Ladybug: Sure.

I had her the tub of gum (because gum seems to no longer come in a pack of 6.  She hands it back to me and I can tell immediately she has taken a lot.  So I ask out many she has taken.  There is so much in her mouth she can not be understood.  I make her hand it to me.  Her freshly chewed gum wad must have about 6 pieces in it.  I look back at her and realize that she still has gum in her mouth.  She must have only handed me half of what she took.  And we haven't even made it out of the Y parking lot yet.

We stop at the store to get milk.  We also get pizza and ice cream.  Back in the car I let her know that we did not get a new Netflix movie.  Every Monday I turn one in so every Friday she can have a new one.  I don't know what happened but this week it did not show up.  But I was not too worried.  I mean, we have a ton of movies at home so she can still have movie night.  But I announce that there is no movie and instantly ....

WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Serious sobs.  Melt down.  Over a movie.  I did not have enough sleep under my belt to deal with this.

Once we are home and she is done with her freak out I remind her that her room must be clean before B comes over.  It looks like it has been hit by a tornado.  But I give her a choice.  She can clean it before movie time.  Or she can clean it in the morning before cartoon time.  She states that she wants to clean in the morning -- not surprising.

But I am not stupid.  I know morning will come and she will want to do something other than cleaning her room.  So when I went to bed, I sabotaged the tv.  It would not turn on without me.  In general, the rule for weekends is that the tv does not go on until 8am.  This is because if I had not set that limit she would be up at 4am asking to watch tv.  At least with the 8am rule she will sleep until about 7am.

But not this morning.  This morning she woke me up at 6am.  Hyped up that B is coming (she wasn't scheduled to arrive until about 3pm).  UGH.  And she woke me up with negotiations.  "Mama, how about if I pick up 3 things now and do the rest after tv time." 

Yeah, right kid.  Good try.  I tell her to clean her room or no tv time.  Simple.  Clear.  Not open for negotiation.

At 8am she announces the tv is not working.  Oh yes, I am a smart mama.  I ask if her room is clean.  She says yes.  I tell I will be inspecting.  Is she sure?  She is.  So I go check.  And it looks better.  Like just a small tornado has hit.  I sit down.  And I simply say that there will be no tv until everything is put where it belongs.  She tells me she doesn't know where it belongs.  So I went back to bed.

That motivated her.  She whined.  And complained.  And stomped.  But she cleaned.  And then I turned on the tv.

When I got up she started right back in with the negativity.  Didn't like what I made for breakfast.  Didn't like what was on tv.  Dumped her plant on the carpet and left the dirt where it landed.  Complained about having to help with the chores. One thing after another. 

And then I broke.  I called it what it was.  I asked her if I should call B's mom and cancel.  Because this is what it appeared to me.  And I let her know one more problem and I would do exactly that.  She wanted to sabotage this play date, I was willing to grant her wish.

She turned it around.

Mean Mama

When others watch the child

I have been sitting on this post for a while and since I am tired and not very creative right now I thought it would be easy for me to do this one instead of trying to think of another topic.

A few weeks ago I let Ladybug go for an overnight.  She has been on an overnight with this family a few times.  I am aware that I have different parenting then the mom.  She is not a bad mom.  Just different.  It is hard for me to let Ladybug go on an overnight because I miss her and love her and I am sure that I am the best person to care for her.  But she loves them.  And I remind myself that I have no need or desire to be a helicopter parent.

So I let her go.  The following afternoon I called to see when I should pick her up.  But instead of getting "I miss you Mama, please come get me."  I got "I am having to much fun to go home.  Can I stay another night?"

No.
No!
NO!

But I said yes.  And I worried.  I made her promise that she would call me before she went to bed.  And then I worried all evening. How can my 6 year old have a life outside of me?  I wanted her home.  But I said she could stay.  So I worried.  But did nothing.

And I waited for her call.  And waited. And waited.  At about 10 I called.  The mom answered the phone.  "Oh, they are out at the movies."  Out?  At the movies?  Our 6 year olds are out at the movies at 10pm?  With who?  Because she is a single mom.  Don't panic.  Don't freak.  So I calmly say, "Oh.  With who?" 

"With B's cousin."  You mean her teenage cousin?  It is 10pm?  On a rainy Saturday night?  And my 6 year old is at the movies with a teenager?  Which movie theater -- because there is about 50 in this are?  Are you kidding?  Who drove?  What about car seats?

Don't freak.  Don't panic.

I ask that she have her call me when she gets back.  And I wait.  I look up every movie theater in the area.  I wonder which one.  Which movie?  But what can I do...other than wait. 

A little after 11 I call again.  Because she still hasn't called me.  My 6 year old is out at the movies with a teenage chaperon on rainy Saturday night at 11pm!

She had just came in.  She was happy and excited.  I am so so so happy to hear her voice.  I  just want to hold her.  But I don't let her know how worried I am.  I say good night.

And now, a few weeks later, I still don't like it.  Shouldn't I have been consulted about who was driving my child around?  Shouldn't I have been consulted on who she abdicated responsibility to?  Oh maybe I am a helicopter mom.

Mean Mama

Meeting Dr. Swiper

Okay her name is not really Swiper.  But Ladybug can not pronounce her name correctly and ended up calling her Dr. Swiper -- as in Dora.

Last week I met with the psychiatrist on Tuesday.  I think I already blogged about that.  Thursday I took Ladybug to meet her.  I had told her that we were meeting with the doctor so she could help us be a better family.  She had already met with our counselor so she wasn't really scared about this. 

We both went in this time.  I took a back seat -- not literally.  But I had already had my time with her.  It was Ladybug's turn.  And Dr. Swiper really started out by immediately directing her questions and comments and explanations directly to Ladybug.  After about 30 seconds Ladybug looked over at me with a questioning look.  So I just told her she could be completely honest.

Dr. Swiper asked her if there was anything we could do to make things better in our house.  She responded with, "I want chicken nuggets more."  Which is being honest.   But a little off topic.

So Dr. Swiper tried to refocus her.  "Do you and mom fight too much?"  "Do you like it when you argue at home?"  "Are you having problems at home?"

And I watched her.  And I saw her shutting down.  She was looking away from Dr. Swiper.  And away from me.  She crossed her arms.  Her voice got low.  Her answers got short.  There was a "tone" about her.  Let's face it...I watch my child all the time.  I can read her like a book -- sometimes the book is in a different language.  And I knew exactly what it was.  It was like watching the wheels turn in her head.  She was feeling like she was being blamed for everything.  She thought we were saying she was bad. 

So I interrupted it.  I wanted her to remain open.  And I got emotional.  I teared up -- I tear up at hallmark commercials.  I felt like I hadn't prepared her appropriately.  I hadn't told her not to feel bad.  I hadn't told her to not feel bad.  I hadn't told her I had already had my time with Dr. Swiper and so this was really her time -- which is why Dr. Swiper was directing everything towards her.  I felt like a bad mom.  So I interrupted.

She finally looked over at me...saw the tears in my eyes... and got angry.  Well there was a split second where she choked back a sob and then a mini explosion of anger.

I did a brief explanation.  And then I got kicked out of the session.  Well, it was time for them to spend some time together - without me.

The end result:  insecure attachment.  Likely not any true attention issues -- so no ADD or ADHD.  So depression.  Anger and rage issues possible.  Dr. Swiper said Ladybug is smart.  Really smart.  And wonderful.  And open to therapy.  She suggested not doing any medications at this time.  Therapy is the focus.  And she is confident that that is all she needs.  So we continue with therapy.

Mean Mama

Monthly update

This has been a very busy month, especially emotionally.  Given that, here is my next monthly update to my successes and failures with my new year's resolutions:

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  I actually have no idea where I stand on this.  But given the full feeling in my belly at the moment, I am going to guess I made no progress on this this month.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  When Love Is Not Enough.  Great book.  And it made me feel so glad that my child is not RAD.  Really.  There is no way I could make all the adjustments she suggests.  I take my hat off to all those who are raising children with RAD.  I also started a mystery book.  I think it is called Port Mortuary.  I am blanking on the author and too lazy to run upstairs to look.  It is a Kay Scarpetta book.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  Really thinking this might be one of those resolutions that needs to come off the list.
4.  Find a new job.  I applied for 3 jobs this month.  The one I really wanted -- and was super qualified for -- decided to hire someone else.  Without going through a hiring process.  She offered the job to someone who has no experience, no education, and no certifications in the field.  All of which I have.  The second one I interviewed for on Friday.  I liked it.  I would be interested in the job.  But I can not afford an $11,000 pay cut (it is not like I make $100,000 and can cut back on a few things.  I have not heard back from the 3rd place I submitted an application to.  But at least I got off my ass and made a few attempts this month.
5.  Move.  I was so hopeful this month.  But back to square one on this one too.
6.  Buy my first home.  Again, this one has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  Realistically I made no progress on this one.  But I am hopeful that I have just come up with a quick resolution to this one.  Just trying to hammer out the details to it.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Really looking like this one might be another one of the resolutions that needs to come off -- but really this one shouldn't be that difficult to accomplish.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  I made some serious progress on this one.  Immediately following spring break I committed to going to bed no later than 11pm each night.  And for the most part I have.  And since my alarm goes off at 7:30am and I roll out of bed at 8am, this is good.  Honestly, there were a few nights the tiny gerbil wheels in my head were spinning too much and I just could not get myself to bed.  But I am not letting the internet and TV be the reason I am sleep deprived.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Another successful month.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. She has been going to Jump Rope Club this month.  And her first competition is in a few weeks.  I also signed her up for summer camp which includes swimming every single day.  She is super excited.  I am freaking out about all that chlorine in her hair.  She has a swim cap but will she wear it when I am not there to harass her about it?
12.  Get involved with a charity. I decided to take a new approach with this.  In the past when I got involved with volunteering I was making a commitment for years.  I would get trained and commit my time for years.  Hours each week.  Every week.  For years.  But my life just does not allow for that right now.  But Ladybug and I did walk in the One for One campaign.  So I contributed.  I volunteered.  I am counting that as a win.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.  But I want to.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Nope.
15.  Start a 529 account.  Not yet.  Realistically I need to resolve some serious money issues before I can start putting money away.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Yes.  But in the spirit of being honest I will also say that my living room looks like a tornado hit right now.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I made progress.  I didn't meet the goal.  But I ate out only 4 times this month.  That is a good decrease.  I will try harder next month.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  This one needs to be removed because I am doing so well with it.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  This still needs to wait until #1 is under control.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  If you could see my bedroom floor right now you would have no doubt at what a failure I have been at this one.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  I did a fair job at this one.  Not good enough but okay.
22.  Pay all bills on time. Not perfect but I did fairly well on this one.  The real problem is that I need more money -- or less bills.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Overall good on this one.  I mean, I had some sodas but not because I was trying to pour caffeine into my body (most days).

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama