What counseling is doing for us

Not too long ago I actually voiced to someone (maybe more then one person) that I was not sure I wanted to be (or could be) Ladybug's mom any more.  I felt like a bad parent.  I felt like things were getting worse.  I was sure she would be better off with someone else.  Because obviously I was not doing a good job with her.  And the worse it got ... the worse I got with her.  I was fast becoming America's Worst parent, getting closer every day.

Do you have any idea how desperate a parent must be to even be thinking "I don't want my child"?  And once I admitted that then I felt worse.  And less capable.  And more desperate.

I have always been a firm believer in having a good therapist.  Emphasis on the word "good"!  I have had some good therapist in the past.  Let's be real about this... if I had a medical issue that needed expert attention nobody would question me for seeking assistance from an expert.  Nobody would shun me if I took care of my health or the health of my child.  But there is such a stigma associated with seeking help for psychological reasons.  I am taking care of the mental of health of myself and my daughter.  I "manned up" to messing up with her.  I admitted I was clueless.  I was honest about all the things I did wrong.  Oh it is not easy to tell anybody that I had images of slapping her or giving her away.  It was not fun to think this was all my fault.  But I did it.  Because no matter how hard it was, I knew it was what was best... for her ... and for us.

So, as you are aware, I sought therapy.  And I will not apologize for it.  I will not feel bad for it.  I will not doubt that it is what was best for her.  And for me.  As they say..."If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  And in my profession I have learned -- it is all about the best interest of the child.

Today, this is what happened for us:

I pulled up to the Y to pick her up from her after school program.
I saw her outside talking to the counselor handling "rides out"
She took one look at me and turned and went back inside.  Which is not going in the right direction.
I got out of the car and talked with counselor because I knew this could not be good news.
Listening issues but nothing major.
But Ladybug wanted to turn it into a drama.
So I went inside to get her - not typical.
She kept trying to get away from the counselors as they were trying to corral her in one spot.
I finally caught up to her.
She started sobbing and wailing.  Full out drama.
I held her for a few minutes.
She calmed down.
She told me she knew I was going to be mad and she would get in trouble.
So she tried to avoid it - which typically would just be compounding the problem.
Her crime?
She took the counselors phone and tried to dial it.  She didn't give it back.
I made her apologize.
And the crisis was over.
We went home and had a good night.  Homework.  Dinner.  Card games.  Bath.  American Idol.

And that is what counseling is doing for us.  So I want to say to all those parents out there -- who likely do not have the time to read my blog -- do not feel bad about seeking the professional help that your family needs.  The disapproval of others does not hold a candle to what is happening to my family because of having this professional in my life.  So call me a bad mother... call me incapable... tell me what it is I am doing wrong... and look at the wonderful, loving, sweet, passionate, growing little girl I have and the amazing relationship we are building.  I will not feel bad about seeking the assistance we needed.

Mean Mama