Showers

Last year, when I moved into this place, I decided to buy a extended shower head (okay I have no idea what they are really called but then are the shower heads you can pull down, have a hose, and a button that allows you to squirt water).  I bought a cheap one.  With the intention of it going in Ladybug's bathroom.  She hates having her hair washed and I thought it would be easier on her with one of these.

However, I could not get her shower head off in order to install the new one.  I did get mine off.  So every time I need to wash her hair she gets a bath in my bathroom.  It is okay.  When I want to wash her hair I just hook in the hose.  When I am done.  I unhook it.  Works well for our purpose.  Today was a hair day.  I hooked it.  I washed hair.  She didn't complain. 

Then I went to take my shower.  I unhooked the hose and put it away.  I turned on the water, put it on shower, and closed the curtain.  At which point I started to get wet.

Only problem was that I WAS NOT IN THE SHOWER yet.  I was standing in my bathroom getting soaking wet. 

It took me about 5 seconds to realize that this was a problem.  And maybe another 5 seconds to realize that I could stop it by turning off the water.  So I did.

How did that happen?

What a mess!

The water had shot out of the connecter piece of the shower head.  Over the shower curtain.  Hitting the ceiling.  Spraying the entire bathroom.  And because I never close the bathroom door (I have no privacy in this house so I stop trying a long time ago), it shot out the bathroom door, spraying the wall and the my bed.

It is amazing how wet things can get in about 10 seconds.

Apparently when I disconnected the hose, something did not click right in the connector switching it back to the regular shower head.

Well, cleaning the bathroom was on my "to do" list.

Mean Mama

title I

I can't remember if I have blogged about any of this and I am too lazy to go looking right now.  So, you will get the full story here.

If you have been reading this blog then you know that I am aware that Ladybug has behavioral issues.  And I know she pretty much hates school.  But I also know that she is smart.  Maybe too smart in some ways.  I know she is not academically inclined but I never actually worried about her ability to learn in school.

So imagine my surprise when I received a note home a few weeks ago saying that Ladybug was in danger of falling behind at school in reading so much that she actually qualifies for Title I assistance.  She is behind?  Because she was one of 3 kids in her Kindergarten class of 27 kids who knew how to read at the end of last year.  And somehow she is so far behind in the beginning of 1st grade that she qualifies for federally funded assistance?  Well, how did that happen?

I didn't buy it.  I mean, I know she fakes stupidity just to see me get frustrated.  So I had a conversation with her teacher.  She told me Ladybug doesn't read in class.  Doesn't and can't are 2 different things.  But at the end of the conversation we agree that she will enter the title I class -- her because she believes she needs the assistance, me because I believe the smaller class might improve her behavioral issues in school.

I give my permission.  They send home a contract.  Which makes me giggle.  I must promise to make her do her homework every night.  I must promise to read to her.  I must promise to read myself.  And a few other things that will help her learn to read.  They did not ask me to promise anything that is not already common in our house. Ladybug starts the classes.  She is in the special class for 30 minutes a day 5 times a week.  After about 3 weeks I go to my first educational meeting.  Where they explain title I.  Apparently I have to go to 4 in the year.  But apparently not all the parents show up.  I was one of 11 parents there.  11!  I am positive there are many many many more title I kids then 11 in her school.

At the end of this title I meeting I pull the reading teacher aside.  I tell her that I believe Ladybug is faking it.  I think she knows more then she lets people know.  And I warn her not to let Ladybug manipulate her.  This title I teacher has about 30 years experience in working with title I and other specialized teaching.  She seems savvy.

On Wednesday I had my first parent/teacher conference.  I asked that the title I teacher be invited too.  While waiting for the meeting to start I had some time to talk with the teacher again.  I asked why she tested so well at the end of Kindergarten and why she tested so poorly at the beginning of 1st grade.  The answer is simple.  Last year the teachers did the individual assessments.  This year they wanted a more objective view so the kids are tested by a computer program.  Hmmmm?  She she went from top in her class to bottom?

Then during the parent teacher conference the title I teacher revealed one more thing.  Despite the fact that she is not suppose to do so, after my claim that perhaps Ladybug knows more than she lets on, the teacher did her own assessment.  And the results...subjective...is that Ladybug is actually reading at a 2nd grade level.

Yeah, my child is so far behind in her reading that I have received letters saying that she is in danger of failing 1st grade in June.  And yet she is reading at a level higher than her grade level.  Because a computer says so.  Problem is...once you are in title I, you are locked in for the year.  As the teacher said, "It practically takes an act of god to get a child out of title I in the middle of the school year."  Federal funding.

Mean Mama

damn tooth fairy

Ladybug had another loose tooth.  She is becoming the toothless wonder.  And once one is loose she can not leave it along.  Must play with it.  Must fiddle.  Must pull.

Two nights ago she went to bed with a very loose tooth.  I told her to not play with it.  She didn't listen.  Of course.  She woke up yesterday morning with a hole in her grin.  Well, another hole in her grin.  But she searched my bed and then her bed.  She found it.  And stuck it in her tooth pillow.

Last night I let her fall asleep on the couch.  She has had some (read this as so many that I haven't slept in days) problems sleeping.  I thought maybe if she was close to me maybe she would sleep better.  I was wrong.

When I was finally ready to go to bed I woke her (because she is too big for me to carry her up the stairs) and we headed upstairs.  She went to her room.  I hesitated.  Was she really going to go to bed in her own bed?  No.  She went in and grabbed the tooth pillow.

It was at this point that I realized that I had forgotten to go to the bank and get another "special tooth fairy coin."  It's a dollar coin.  She thinks they are pretty.  Now what?  Not only do I not have a special coin for her, I am pretty sure I have no cash on me.

Really, she had to remember the pillow?

So decide to give her my piggy bank.  She has crawled in my bed and waiting for me to go to bed.  She will not sleep.  So I make a big racket putting the piggy bank in her room and grabbing the dollar bills from it.  As I come back into my room I throw the dollar bills on top of the dresser and crawl in bed.  I will just wait her out.  Once she falls asleep I will get the money and exchange the tooth for a dollar.

She put the tooth pillow under her pillow -- keeping her hand on it -- and then laid her head directly on top of it.  Really?  Given that she has basically not been sleeping lately I see no way of getting that pillow away from her enough to get the damn tooth and put a dollar in it's place. 

But I can wait her out.  She will fall sleep before me.  She is more tired than me.  Zzzzzzzz -- that was me.

But I woke up.  And so did she.  Every single time I moved.

Finally at 4am I decided I needed to do something.  The tooth fairy can not fail -- again.  Yes, she failed once before.  So I get up to go to the bathroom.  I can rearrange her and grab the pillow at the same time. 

Only one problem. 

I never have to pee in the middle of the night.  But I try.

As I walk back to bed I flip the tooth onto the dresser and grab a dollar.  As I approach the bed she rolls over and looks at me.  I quickly slip the tooth pillow under my pillow.  I will have to get it under her pillow somehow.  Because she would never believe the tooth fairy put it under the wrong pillow.

I crawl in bed.  She sits up.  She lifts her pillow.

Ladybug: Mama it is gone.
Mama: What? (playing dumb is not the same as lying, right?)
Ladybug: My tooth pillow.
Mama: Go to sleep.  We will look for it in the morning.

I woke up at about 6am.  And managed to slip the tooth pillow from under my pillow to under her pillow.

She wakes me at about 6:30am wanting to show me what the tooth fairy left for her. 

I drank a lot of Mountain Dew today.

Mean Mama

Hana

If you are involved with Ethiopian adoptions in any way you had to have heard about Hana. I have thought about posting about this little girl but since so many other people were talking about her that I was not sure I could add anything new to it.  Have you heard about Hana?  My understanding is the CNN has finally picked up the story and will be reporting on it tonight.

Hana was a 13 year old girl found dead in the yard this past May.  She was naked.  She had lost 30 pounds.  She died of hypothermia.  How could this have happened?  I heard bits and pieces.  I read on other blogs and on yahoo groups.  And then I read this!  I warn you that it is not an easy read.  I will not repeat the details here but let the document speak for itself.

I sat at my desk at work with my chin on the floor.  Horrified.  How was it possible that any of this happened?  I don't understand.  I mean, I don't understand why anybody would adopt if this is how they were going to treat the child.  I don't understand how a parent can treat a child this way.  I don't understand how nobody noticed.  Or if they did notice, I don't understand how they could do nothing.

I find myself wishing that I could turn back the clock.  Give her a chance.  A chance to live.  How can she have been robbed of this?

One of the things mentioned by many outraged people is that she is not Hana Williams.  She was not treated as a member of the family.  She was not loved as a child of the family.  She should not be remembered as Hana Williams.  She is -- and should be known as -- Hana Alemu.  This grabbed my attention.  Sort of like hearing your name yelled in a crowd.  You automatically stop.  Ladybug's biological father's last name was Alemu.  I don't know if it is a common name or not.  What I do know is that this child should have been loved.   Should have been cared for.  Should be alive.

Mean Mama

Walls closing in

Now that things are going well for Ladybug I should be feeling pretty good.  The only real problems she seems to be having is that she sings her entire way through the school day.  I understand the teacher's point of view but... she is singing, not beating the crap out of a classmate.  And the counselors love her at the after school program.  Life is good.

So why do I increasingly feel the need for a really strong anxiety medication?

I don't want to be here.  Literally and figuratively.  I know depression follows anxiety.  And I worry that this feeling is big.  I don't want to be depressed.  I don't have the support and resources here to pull myself out.  And I don't want to be here.  I want to be closer to my friends and family.  I want to be where I can pop into a friends house and just hang.  I want Ladybug to be closer to my family.

I know it may seem like I have not been doing a lot of job hunting.  But I have.  I look.  I have so many bookmarks on my computer to look through every day.  And I do.  The problem is that there is nothing out there that I am qualified for.  And the ones I have applied for just don't pay enough for me to live on.  And then I start thinking that I did this to myself.  If I had gone to grad school, either right after college or when I went to paralegal school, then I would have so many more job possibilities with better pay.  So then I start thinking that maybe I should go to grad school.  I have found 1 online program.  But a social work master's degree will require an internship.  I can not do an internship, work full time, and be a single mom living away from my biggest support systems.

And I may be forced into a move whether I like it or not.  My apartment complex was sold and it is under new management.  I get the distinct impression that the new owners want to do the same with this complex that they have done with the others they own.  Buy, upgrade, and raise the rent.  So I think they want to encourage people to move out so they can renovate.  I got a note the other week saying I needed to renew my lease.  And that they wanted to bring the price up to the current market value.  To them this means raising the rent by $100 per month.  And if I don't want a lease (which I currently don't have so that I have the flexibility to move if given the opportunity) then it would another $100 per month.  So I would have to sign a lease -- locking me into staying here for another year.  Or pay more -- and I am already at the top of my budget.

Oh and while I had the landlord on the phone today I asked if they could come in address the bug (read as cockroach) issue.  My mom, sister, and niece are coming for Thanksgiving and I don't want them crawling around.  Plus my mom will bring her dog so I want the issue taken care of prior to the visit.  Good news is that they said they would come in tomorrow.  Hours later (like 8 or 9 hours) it occurred to me -- now I need to clean before going to bed.  Why would I invite them in on such short notice?

Job.  Money.  Support.  Education.  Living arrangements.  Just thinking about it makes my heart race.

Mean Mama

Phoebe in a world of Rachels

Sometimes we are struck with moments of clarity.  I had one today...at the park...when I looked up from my trashy romance book to catch a glimpse of Ladybug.

It reminded me of an episode of Friends (does that date me?).  In this episode Rachel and Phoebe agree to meet in the park for a run.  Rachel shows up in the latest jogging outfit.  She stretches.  She looks cute.  She jogs like a typical adult.  And then Phoebe comes running up.  Legs flailing.  Arms flailing.  She might even have been giggling.  Rachel looks thoroughly embarrassed by Phoebe.  Phoebe runs with abandon.  Finally Rachel confronts her but in the end Phoebe says the way she runs is just more fun.

My child is a Phoebe.  As I watched her swing I realized this.  She had her eyes closed so that the motion of the swing was more intense.  As she reached the top going forward she would yell out "YIPEE!"  As she reached the top going backward she would yell out "WEEE!"  And in between she would sing a line of a song I couldn't quit hear.  Her hair (which was taken out of twists last night but no new style was put in) was flying up and then falling around her face with every swing.

I have a Phoebe.

Mean Mama

Mama's brain is expensive

I stole this from a friend.  This is not my creation.

One of the things that Ladybug does is not listen.  It drives me insane.  I repeat...and repeat... and repeat.  Like this morning.

Ladybug: Can I wear my new boots today?
Mama: Yes, they are on my desk.
Ladybug: I know but they are still tied together.

A few minutes later...

Ladybug: Mama, where are my boots?

And that is when I instituted the "Mama's brain is expensive" rule.

Here is how it works:
I will tell her something once.  If she doesn't remember it, doesn't listen, doesn't pay attention, doesn't  whatever and she has to use my brain to figure things out, then she owes me.  In chores.  So if she has to ask a second time I then give her a choice.  Does she use her brain to figure it out?  Or does she want to use my brain?  If she opts to use my brain, I then tell her what her payment is going to be.  Then I ask her again if she wants to use my brain or her brain.  Is the easy way out worth the cost?

So after explaining the rules to her this morning, I asked her again if she wanted to use my brain.  She said no.  She walked to my desk to get her boots.  Score 1 for Mama.

Then at school today she could not get herself under control.  Singing.  Humming.  Dancing.  Long trips to the bathroom.  So bad that I received several emails from her teacher.  So I tried to use the new rule again this evening.

We were planning on going to a school fundraiser at McDonald's but her behavior at school will prevent that.  But I give her a choice.  We can go home, do homework, no TV, have dinner, and prepare for bed and she would owe me nothing.  Or she can use my brain to come up with a way so that she can still go to the fundraiser.  What would she like to do?  She opted to go to the fundraiser.

So we went to McDonald's for dinner.  We came home and did homework.  No TV.  She needs to fold and put away all of her clothes -- and it has been weeks since I have folded and put away clean clothes.  It is piled on the kitchen table.  I let her know that since she picked this option she can not complain.  She can not growl or groan.  She folds hers.  I fold mine.  We carry our own upstairs.  We put our own away.  And then it is time for bed.

My house might start getting all the chores done with this new rule.

Mean Mama

Leaps and Bounds

I know we are not done fixing our relationship.  But I also know we must celebrate the successes we have had.  Today was a real test.

I picked her from school and she was leaping around.  Excited.  Hyper.  A little crazy.

Ladybug:: Can we go out for pizza? Can we?  Can we?  Please?

And I had to disappoint her.  She was not happy.  I got a bunch of dirty looks.  But she bounced back.

I asked her to go shopping with me.  I really wanted to find a pair of boots for her that she can wear with her halloween costume.  So off to a local shoe store we went.

We found 4 contenders.  She did like one.  I didn't like one.  Down to 2.  I wanted the one with lots of buckles that made it look funky.  She wanted the shiny pair -- in reality she liked it because they were high heeled.  In the end I said no to hers and she said no to mine.

More dirty looks.  More pouting.  Verging on punishing me.  Refused to hold my hand. 

And then we headed to Target to see if we could find a pair of boots there.  It is a new Target.  I got all turned around.  It took me 15 minutes to find the shoe section -- no joke.

She asked me to buy her a toy.  No
She asked me to buy her a Barbie.  No
She asked me to buy her clothes from Shake It Up.  No
She asked me to buy her an Ipod. No
She asked me to buy her an Ipad. No
She asked me to buy her a Nook. No
She asked me to buy her a computer.  No
She asked me to buy her candy. No
She asked again if I would buy her a toy. No

I found the shoe section.  She was on the verge of being pissy.  But still willing to try on boots.  We found a pair.  And they are cute!

Mean Mama

addiction

I have recently been told that I have an addiction.  I think that people may be staging an intervention.  I have questioned if it is bad to have an addiction. 

I don't really have much experience with addiction.  When I worked at the residential treatment center for teenage boys some of my kids had drug and alcohol issues.  To be honest, they were not the kids I dealt with most.  My specialty there was working with the sex offenders.  When I ran the domestic violence shelter I had some clients with alcohol issues and also a few with meth issues.  But that was not my focus.  My pain focus was dealing with the abuse issues and helping the clients figure out how to get their lives moving in the right direction.  I don't really know anything about addictions.

But I have been informed that I have one.  And I need to deal with it head on.  Actually I have been told that I need to go cold turkey.  Just remove the offending thing from my life.  Get rid of it.

I don't want to.

Which just proves to the accuser that I really do have an addiction.

So what is my addiction?  Cafe World. The Facebook game.  Seriously.  I am up to level 396.  I have friends who at higher levels.  I am not the worst offender.  But I have created an alter ego Facebook account -- just for the purpose of playing.  I also have the passwords of 3 other Facebook accounts (a friend, her alter ego, and her mother) so that I can log on and send gifts to my account.  It helps.  I get to finish things quicker.  I log on to all every day.  It helps.  And yes, I know it sounds ridiculous.

Now my friend has threatened to shut down her Cafe.  And the Cafes of her alter ego and mother.  She thinks I should delete my alter ego.  And delete my Cafe.  But I like my Cafe.  I don't want to give it up.  I did try not to log on to all 5 accounts today.  I failed.  I logged on to all.

So do I have an addiction?

Mean Mama

passive aggressive

When we got home from Disney the school gave me a hard time about having Ladybug out of school .  In order to go to St. Louis she had to miss 1/2 day of school.  I knew they were going to give me a hard time again.  So I decided that Ladybug would produce a report about all she learned by missing 1/2 day of school.

INTRODUCTION

I missed school on October 7^th to go to St. Louis.  St. Louis is known as the “Gateway to the West.”  I did not get to go up in the arch this time so Mama got this photo off of the internet.  She promises that next time we go to St. Louis we will get to go up in the arch and I will be able to look down on the entire city.

REASONING

We went to St. Louis to visit family.  My Fuzzy (grandpa) was born there many years ago and grew up there.  My Papa (great grandpa) lives there.  He is the oldest person in my family.  He asks me the same question over and over.  It was hard to answer the same question many times.  But Mama told me that sometimes when people get old they forget things and we need to be really nice to them.

HISTORY

On Friday we went to Grant’s Farm.  Grant’s Farm was owned by Ulysses S. Grant who was the 18th President of the United States.  

We drove by his cabin that he built (Mama forgot to take a picture so she got this one off the internet).  This cabin does not have electricity or running water, just like it didn’t when it was first built.

On Saturday we went to a pumpkin patch.  It was decorated for Halloween.  Mama took this picture.  She tells me that this teepee is the type of house that Native Americans lived in a long time ago.  And that this carriage, which is pulled by horses, is what people rode around in before there were cars.

ANIMAL SCIENCE

Grant’s Farm has a lot of animals that are allowed to roam free and be wild.  Here are just a few pictures of some of animals that we saw while there.  Most of them did not want to come near us so they were hard to get pictures of them.

I tried to feed a camel.  He wasn’t hungry.  The signs near the camel said that camels “bite and spit” so I had to be careful around them.

During the animal education show I also learned that pot belly pigs are almost as smart as dolphins.  And I know that dolphins are really smart because I recently watched A Dolphin Tale.

 

 

I saw a lot of different types of chickens.  Even a fuzzy one.

I got to see kangaroos and peacocks.  But the peacocks would not spread it’s feathers.

But the thing I liked the most was to feed the baby goats.  Baby goats eat milk but since these didn’t live with their mommies, people get to feed them with a bottle.  It was a lot of fun.

ORNITHOLOGY

Mama says that when people learn about birds it is called ornithology.  While at Grant’s Farm, during the animal education performance, I learned a lot about birds.

I saw this hawk.  I don’t remember what kind of hawk it is but it seemed really smart.

I saw this ostrich.  I learned that they do not fly because they are so big and heavy.  But they can run really fast.

I saw this bald eagle, which is the national bird of America.  I learned that when America was first started and they were trying to decide which bird would be our national bird that some people wanted it to be the turkey.  But now we eat turkey.

People say that owls our very smart but I learned that is not true.  They told me that an owl’s eyes are so big that it doesn’t leave much room in their head for a brain so they have very small brains.  I also learned that owl’s can not turn their heads all the way around like most people say.

MATH

At Grant’s Farm I got to do math with the parrots.  Someone in the audience asked the bird how much 2 X 3 was.  The bird picked the number 6 – which my Mama tells me is right.  Another person in the audience asked the bird how much 3 + 4 was.  The bird picked the number 10.  But when the audience told the bird that it was wrong the bird picked the number 7 – which is right.

I also played with my Leapster while on the plane.  I have a game that makes me pick the right numbers and add some numbers together. 

RELIGIOUS STUDIES

On Friday night I went to dinner at my great aunt’s house.  This part of my family is Jewish so for Friday night dinner we did the Sabbath.  My aunt lit candles and said a prayer in Hebrew.  Hebrew is the language of the Jewish religion.  My cousins did prayers in Hebrew to bless the bread and wine.  My aunt served matzo ball soup, brisket, noodle kugel, and challah bread.  I didn’t like any of it – except the bread.

READING

On Thursday night I crawled in bed and read with Fuzzy and Grandma about princesses.  There wasn’t much of a story in the coloring book so we had to make up most of it.  On Friday night we borrowed a book from my aunt and I read it to Grandma before bed.  We read Mr. Brown Can Moo.  Can you?  I like reading all the noises in the book.

I also played with my Leapster game while on the plane to and from St. Louis.  I have a game that asks me to spell words.

ART

I didn’t get a chance to do much art on this trip.  Mama did bring my coloring book so I did a lot of coloring while in the hotel.  Mama also made me watch a show on PBS about painting.  I like to paint but Mama says it is too messy so I can not do it at home.  This person painted lots of pretty purple flowers.

PE

I did a lot of walking while in St. Louis.  I also went swimming…

Went swinging…

Rode horses…

Jumped in a few bouncy houses…

Rode a merry-go-round…

AGRICULTURE

 Mama says that agriculture is learning to grow things in the ground.  I like to work in a garden.  Mama does not.  I saw this tractor at a pumpkin patch we went to on Saturday.  It looked new.

I got to sit on this tractor.  Look at the wheels.  I told Mama that these wheels dig holes in the ground as it drives over it.  The holes help farmers to put seeds in the ground so that plants can grow.

ENGINEERING

We went to Steak ‘N Shake for breakfast on Saturday.  The waitress brought us 4 straws because there were 4 people.  I was the only person who wanted to use the straws.  I wanted use all of them.  Fuzzy showed me how to fit one straw into another building a very tall straw.  I learned that my arms were not long enough to hold the cup and drink from this really long straw so Grandma had to hold the cup below the table for me.  I also learned that I had to suck a lot in order to get my juice from the cup to my mouth.  The waiter offered to bring more straws so I could build it even higher but Mama said no.

While at the pumpkin patch I also got to see some really tall pyramids of pumpkins.  Each pumpkins had to be put carefully on top of the other so that they would not all roll down hill.  It was very pretty.

POP CULTURE

Grant’s Farm is where there are Clydesdale horses.  These are the horses that are used in some TV commercials.  A normal horse is about 1000 pounds and can be any color.  A Clydesdale horse is more than 2000 pounds.  In order to be used in the TV commercials and pull the wagon they must also have a white blaze down their face, have white “feathers” on their feet, their body must be brown, and their tale and mane must be black.  While at Grant’s farm we met a Clydesdale horse that is named Jerry, which is my Papa’s name.

SPORTS

While we were in St. Louis my Fuzzy told me that it was very important to learn about baseball.  But not just any baseball.  He says the most important baseball is Cardinals baseball.  In St. Louis, we watched one of the baseball games on TV.  Fuzzy says this is “post season” which means they are trying to win at being the best team.  The Cardinals won the game we watched so that means they get to continue playing.

I might have gone overboard????

Mean Mama

extended family

While amusing, I have decided to skip my most recent bad travel karma.  While I find it amusing I am not sure that anybody else would.  But there was something that came to a head this mini vacation.

My father is from St. Louis (Go Card!).  His entire family still lives there.  His father.  His brother.  His sister -- and her husband, kids, and grandkid.  Cousins.  When we see them we always travel there.  They never come to see us.  So my dad, step mom, daughter, and I went for a long weekend.  I wanted Ladybug to have one more chance to see my grandfather before he dies. 

It is not that he is physically close to death -- his doctor's say he is in good health -- but he is getting old (turning 86 this month).  His memory is about 10 seconds.  And I am not actually joking about that.  For a number of years he has repeated himself a lot.  He would ask the same question over and over.  But now he asks the same question every 10 seconds.  He sometimes forgets who I am.  He didn't always remember Ladybug this trip either.  He would ask who her mother was because he has no memory of her.

When my grandmother died suddenly in 2004, my grandfather went down hill fast.  My grandmother had never been healthy.  She use to say she had lived on borrowed time for 30 years.  She had major heart problems and had many heart surgeries.  She had Lupus.  She was shrinking.  She spent some time in her 40's really sick.  By the time I entered the family she was healthier -- but she was never healthy.   Our entire family went on a cruise in 2004 -- 3 generations.  It was fun.  Then 6 weeks later my grandmother did not wake up one morning.  She was 76.

My grandfather was devastated.  He wailed.  For years.  He framed every photo he had of her and put them around their bedroom.  When asked if we could get him anything he would just say "My Wife."  They met when my grandmother was 19.  On a blind date.  But not a blind date with each other.  It was a double date.  My grandmother was set up with one of my grandfather's friends and my grandfather was set up with one of my grandmother's friends.  They fell in love and were married.

When my grandmother died everyone assumed my grandfather would die soon after her.  It broke his heart.  It crushed his life.  He crawled inside himself.  But unlike his wife, his body is strong.  His heart...his soul...his spirit has given up.  His body continues on.

I don't think I knew how much he had changed since the last time we were in St. Louis -- about 2 years ago.  It was hard on Ladybug.  I am not sure she will get to see him again.  

Mean Mama

one of those days

It has been a rough day.  And instead of sucking it up and moving on, I really feel I must vent about it.

I got up feeling a little bit like I had been hit by a mac truck.  Ladybug was sick last week and it barely slowed her down.  She did leave school one day after puking during math but otherwise she just kept on going.  However, I am older and have a different immune system.  So it has hit me hard. 

Can't breathe.  Fever.  Dripping nose.  Coughing.  Sneezing.  Achy. 

But I did not stay in bed.  Ladybug needed to go to school.  Plus we had therapy this morning.  So I dragged my butt out of bed, showered and got dressed.  I try to convince myself I would feel better if I just got moving.

We went off to therapy.  I really like our therapist.  Ladybug really likes our therapist.  But I have been wondering lately if we have the right therapist.  We have made progress.  Things have moved.  But do we need to be with an attachment therapist?  She is not an attachment therapist.  Do we need to be challenging the issues directly?  So I was prepared to address this with her. 

But she surprised me.  She told me we had made so much progress and were doing so well that she thinks we are done with therapy.  Done?  Wow.  I thought I was going in asking for more and I walked out with less.  I am done?  She is done?  She asked that we do a follow up appointment in 3-4 months. 

Maybe I should just be happy that I don't have to pay money on therapy now?

And then I decided that I could not just suck it up and go to work.  I went.  I dropped off the mail.  And I asked permission to work from home.  I am smart enough (even in my sickness) to ask big boss and not mini boss.  He didn't seem happy about it.  It looked like he was going to say no.  But then I sneezed in his face.   He said yes.

I grabbed a few files from my desk and headed home.  But I did not feel better.  My body was not going to just kick this by being home.  I tried to do work.  But I could not concentrate.  I could not focus.  Which means I either need to do double time tomorrow or I need to count today as a sick day.  And I do not have any more sick time this year.  I guess tomorrow will tell.

At the end of the day I headed out the door to pick up Ladybug.  I opened up the door and a letter fell to my feet.  It was from new management of my apartment complex.  I moved here about 16 months ago because a friend of a friend managed the complex.  I needed the flexibility that she could offer.  Because she knew me, she did not require me to sign a lease.  I like that.  But the owner sold the complex last month.  So I opened this note and it said that I needed to renew my lease.  Ummmm... never had one.  But that if I didn't renew it by November 15th (one month away) that I could stay on a month to month.  However if I pick the month to month they would be raising the rent to reflect market value (pretty sure I am at market value but have a feeling they feel differently) plus they would tack on $100 per month for the inconvenience of not having a lease. 

So I have to lock myself into a lease or move or pay out the nose.  None of those are really appealing to me.

But I didn't have time to think about it.  I needed to go get my girl.  Once home we sat down to do homework.  I started going through her backpack. 

There was a letter from her teacher stating that Ladybug is "at risk of failing in literacy and not meeting academic promotion requirements."  Failing first grade?  The school knows in October that my child will fail in June?  The teacher requested a meeting to discuss this.  She provided a time that I could not possible have day care.  So Ladybug will have to go too.  Ladybug starts Title I next week.  But the most frustrating thing is that they keep telling me that Ladybug doesn't know how to read.  She does!  I am not kidding.  I listened to read an entire book to my step mom recently.  And she read part of a book to me each night this week.  She may not be reading in school but it doesn't mean that she doesn't know how.

Okay so the good news -- because even I don't have entirely bad days: This is day 4 (YES, I SAID 4) of Ladybug having really good behavior at both school and the after school program.

Mean Mama

travel preparation

Before I tell you about my latest adventure in traveling... because nothing is ever dull when it comes to me traveling... I must first set the stage.

We we taking off for St. Louis last Thursday right after work/school.  I was flying this time.  I hate flying.  But it was a quick weekend trip and flying just made more sense.  So I decided that I must be completely and compactly packed before going to bed on Wednesday. 

I packed Ladybug while she bathed.  I packed me while she slept.  Really it was a piece of cake.  And the only thing I forgot to pack was the charger for my camera (which explains the limited number of photos I have from the trip).  I should be good at packing after all the trips we have done this year.

After fully packing, I decided that I needed to clean up a little.  I mean, who likes coming home from a trip to a messy house?  And I had a few issues that really needed to be handled.  When I last cleaned and decorated Ladybug's room I removed the rug that had been in her room.  I rolled up the rug and threw it down the stairs.  Actually, I threw it about half way down the stairs because I am weak.  And there it stayed.  For about a week.  We walked around it.  Ignored it. 

But eventually I got paranoid.  You may remember from other recent posts that I am not the most graceful person.  And I began to get scared that I might trip over it and go flying down the stairs.  So I rolled it up and I put it in the storage room.

This got me to thinking.  I have a rug in the living room too.  This rug has been a pain in my butt since moving in here.  It will not stay in one place.  It has grown legs and it scoots itself around my living room.  Which causes it to bunch and create hills and valleys.  It inches it's way under my desk.  It tries to climb up the entertainment center.  I even went out and bought a no skid pad to go under the rug.  It is suppose to keep it in one place.  It doesn't work.

So last Wednesday I got really paranoid.  I became convinced that I was going to trip over the rug some day soon and break a toe.  I do this a lot so it was not out of the realm of possibility -- no matter how paranoid it may seem.  So I rolled up the rug and put it in the storage room. Problem solved.

With all my chores done I sat down and relaxed.  And when it was time to go to bed, I stood up.  On my carpet -- that had no wandering rug on it. 

I took one step. 

Kicked the ottoman. 

And broke my toe.

My baby toe.  The same toe I broke in July.  The same toe I break every time.

So in less than 24 hours I would be hobbling through an airport on a freshly broken toe.  Fun!

Luckily, I found my "broken toe boot" in my car -- where I also found a drunk person leaning up against my car puking.  And I found a percocet in my purse, left over from breaking my toe in July.

There has to be a way to stop doing this.

Mean Mama

listening skills

The therapist has suggested that maybe it is not just open defiance (although there is also some of that).  Maybe there is an element of auditory processing that is an issue...

I was in the shower this morning when Ladybug came in asking for her toothbrush.  She had a toothbrush in her bathroom she could use.  But she wanted the toothbrush that was still packed from our weekend trip.  I told her it was in the little blue bag in the suitcase.  She trotted off to get it.  She came back saying that it wasn't there.

I know it was there.  I packed it.  I know exactly where it is.  But I am in the shower.  I am not getting out of the shower to get her toothbrush. So I decide to direct her verbally (uh oh)

Mama: The suitcase is right next to the closet door.  Open the big part of the suitcase.  Find the little blue canvas bag.  It is in that.

Simple.  And she must have got it right.  Right?  I mean she didn't come back in to ask more questions. 

So When I got out of the bathroom this is what I found...

The little blue suitcase I had used for this trip was moved out of the way.  The closet door was open.  The big old honking blue suitcase that I never use because I just keep it to store all my other little bags was sitting on the floor open with all the other bags thrown around.

Me: Hey, did you find your toothbrush?
Ladybug: No.  It is not in there so I just used the one at my sink.
Me: Did you look in the this suitcase?
Ladybug: Yes! It is not there!
Me:  Is this the suitcase we took with us this weekend (pointing to the big one)?
Ladybug: No.
Me: Is that the suitcase we took (pointing to the one we took)?
Ladybug: Yes! (exasperated)
Me: Did you look in the suitcase we took?
Ladybug: No!
Me: Why not?
Ladybug: (no answer)
Me: No need to make this more complicated then it really is.  Here (handing her the toothbrush from the suitcase). 

And then I got to clean up the mess.

Mean Mama

10% Challenge

I have had a lot of posts in my head.  And not a lot of motivation to get them down on the actual blog.  I was rather unimpressed with my 15 blog posts last month.  I must be better this month.  So I am blogging tonight.  But I am cheating in my blog post.  I stole this from another blog.  But I can't remember which one -- because even though I have been bad about writing, I have been good about writing.

So here is the 10% challenge:

For one month I will track all money I spend.  I will add 10% to each purchase.  At the end of the month I will donate that 10% to a charity.  So if I spend $100 on groceries then $10 goes to the charity.  If I spend $30 on gas then I will give $3 to charity.  If I spend $10 on lunch  then I will give $1 to charity.  All spending - well almost.  I am including bills.  I am not including rent.  I am challenging myself to make conscious decisions about my spending.  And I am challenging myself to give to others.

I will be deciding on which charity soon but at the moment I am seriously considering ECMA Hana Fund.  I will be posting about Hana in a separate post later.

Mean Mama

sleeping

One of the things that has always been a problem in our house is sleeping.  This has been a hard (or perhaps impossible) adjustment for me.  I am a sleeper.  I could use 10 hours of sleep a night.  And I am good at sleeping.  I slept through several fire drills in college.  I love to sleep.

But from day one Ladybug has not been a sleeper.  I planned on co-sleeping.  But then I learned she was a kick-boxer in her sleep.  I tried moving her into her room.  That didn't work.  She screamed.  She cried.  She crawled into my bed.  So I gave up and co-slept.  And lived with the bruises.

After a few years I moved her bed into my room.  I slept better.  But neither of us slept through the night still.  I did have fewer bruises.  Then when we moved into this place she was asking for her own room and I was excited.  But she has not slept a night in her own bed.  Ever.

I did ask her recently if she ever thought she might be ready to sleep in her own room and she told me she would when she was 16.  She also told a new friend recently that she can't sleep alone because she was scared and she only feels safe when she sleeps with me.

Our normal routine for sleeping...

She goes to bed at about 8pm.  Sometimes a little earlier.  Sometimes a little later.  We read a story.  We cuddle.  She snuggles with her animals and she goes to sleep.
Really.  She goes to sleep.
I go to bed between 11 and 12 most nights.  From the time she goes to bed until the time I go to bed I hear her get up about 6-12 times a night.  Seriously.  And when she has beads in her hair I hear it more. 
She wanders from her room to mine.  Looking for me.  Then she goes back to bed.  Waiting for me.
She does not come downstairs.
When I go to bed she crawls in bed with me.  Sometimes I am still awake.  Sometimes I am not.  I have never woken up in the morning and not had her in my bed. 
Every single night.

So this weekend we started Melatonin.  She needs more sleep.  Maybe her behaviors will improve if she gets more uninterrupted sleep.  I mean I am cranky because of lack of sleep.  Maybe she is too.  I am really hoping this helps.

I waited 5 years. I have thought about it for about 2 years.  I have talked about it.  I did research.  I was hesitant.  And then the therapist said to do it.  So I bought it.

Then a friend tells me last night that another one of her friends took her kids off of it.  Because there is apparently some study that links Melatonin to sterility.  Helps her sleep now and is birth control for the teenage years??  Win, win.

Mean Mama