Winter wonderland

Winter!  In the north!  Is beautiful!

But of course that is not my experience with winter.

It snowed.  I knew it was coming.  I was so sure we would have a snow day at work that I didn't bother going to bed on time last night.  So I woke up tired and disappointed.  But I got up and took Ladybug to daycare and went to work.  I was impressed at how clear the roads were.  But after I dropped Ladybug off and was heading to work it started snowing again.

My parents were suppose to pick up Ladybug today and take her skiing for a few days.  They were suppose to pick her up at 11am.  But my father decided that they should do the driving (because they live about 3.5 hours from here) in the afternoon and not the morning.  So they promised to pick her up before dinner.  Only a minor meltdown from Ladybug because of that news.

At about 11am (the time she wanted to be picked up) I got a call from the daycare saying they were closing early.  Fun times!  Now I have to pick her up.  This is going to go over well.

Her daycare is 6.5 miles from my office.  And it took just over 1/2 hour to drive there.  Very slow driving.  And at least another 1/2 hour to drive the 6 miles back to my house.

And then the adventure began.  I drove down the street to my house to discover that the plows had created a wall of snow at the entrance to my driveway.  I could not get up the driveway.  So I drove down the street.  I turned around in a driveway that was plowed out and turned around.  I drove back to my driveway -- apparently hoping that something had changed in the past 3 seconds.  It hadn't.

I drove up the street and turned around at a cross street.  I drove back down to my house.  Nope, still no change.  I turned around in another driveway that had been plowed.  I stopped at my house.  Do I park on the street?  Knowing that they are still plowing?  Nope.  So I decided to go around the block and see if I could park in the driveway of one of Ladybug's friends. 

The car parked, we walked home.  I put Ladybug inside and then went out to shovel the driveway.  I shoveled the wet, packed, snow/ice at the end of the driveway.  I made a hole big enough to fit my car.  Then I took 3 steps up the driveway and I stopped.

I heard a noise.  I knew that noise.  It wasn't really possible.  Was it?  I turned around.  And I waited.  In about 10 seconds the plow truck came by and plowed in the driveway again.  No joke.  So I shoveled again.

I love winter.

Mean Mama

I suck

I can admit it.  I suck.  At blogging. 

It is not like there is not enough to talk about.  There is a ton. 

Holidays.
Work.
Family.
News.
Opinions.

Oh the list can go on.  And yet I find myself silent.  Well not silent.  I talk.  A lot.  But my fingers ares.  It is so hard to put thought on blog these days.  I am not sure when that might end.

The major news -- well for me --includes:

Ladybug has been officially diagnosed with RAD.  Not really shocking.  But disappointing.  Heart breaking.  And in some ways -- relieving.

Ladybug starts taking meds this Friday.  After much debate I agreed to Guanfacine.  While I waited for the pediatrician and therapist to talk I experimented on my own.  Caffeine.  Mountain Dew for breakfast.  And more caffeine for lunch.  On days she had it -- school was wonderful.  On days she didn't -- not so much.  Today she punched a kid in the gut this afternoon.  Guess what she didn't have for lunch...

Doing my homework to prepare for Ladybug's sleep study.  Because she never sleeps.  Because I never sleep.  And because all the caffeine is making it worse.

Ladybug wants glasses.  So much so she fake the eye test -- at the doctor's office and school -- and failed.  She has an appointment with an optometrist in the beginning of the year.  I am willing to get her fashion glasses if she passes the eye test.

I had to cancel her dentist appointment.  Because I apparently picked a dentist who is a racist, classist wench.  So I need to find a new one for her.  I fear we have a lot of visits in our near future.

I have not even begun to look for a doctor for myself.  As a result it has been over 4 months since I have had my medication -- for my thyroid.  And it is exhausting me.  I need to do this.

And on that note... it is bedtime.

Mean Mama

November update

1.  Loose 55 pounds by December 31, 2012.  I refuse to step on a scale because I am sure it is not good news.

2.  Begin writing a book.  I have a fiction and non-fiction option.  Giving myself 2 years to complete it.  Did nothing.

3.  In November I needed to get 8 hours of sleep at least four nights a week. Each month after I must add one more night per week. Actually I think I accomplished this.

4.  Blog at least 12 times per month.  Done.

5.  Finish unpacking and putting together rooms in the house.  One room a month.  Problem is I have more rooms than months this year.  October is the living room.   Not exactly done.  But I tried.  I bought curtains -- 6 windows.  I put up curtains.  I took down curtain.  I put plastic on windows.  I tried to put curtain back up.  Wouldn't work.  Bought new curtain rods.  Put curtains back up.  Now I have decided that I need a new rug.  And a new futon cover.  So, since I am not done I am not posting photos.  Maybe by the end of the year.

6.  Start a 529 account.  Done.

7.  Start a savings account. No success here.

8.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I think it is important to keep this one from last year.  Done!  Surprisingly easy this month.

9.  Reinstall Photoshop and start editing photos again.  Nope. 

10. Pay all bills on time. Done.

11. Make at least 1 pair of earrings each week.  Nope. No new excuse.

12.  Adding a new goal this month... Ladybug will sleep in her own bed.  Please!  Ha!  But now that it is getting colder, I might want to delay this goal... until May.

Mean Mama

Sometimes I get lucky

Now that I live on the tundra up north I needed a good set of snow tires.  I hate the idea of spending the money... but I hate the idea of driving without the more.  So I was prepared to spend about $400 for a new set of tires.  I enlisted the help of my father -- because he likes doing this kind of thing (and because I need to store my regular tires in his garage since I have no storage).

Imagine my surprise when he called me to say it was going to be in the $650-800 range for 4 winter tires.  I was not prepared to pay that.  But I needed to buy tires.  Not an option to do without.  So what does a poor do?

Daddy came through.  He calls.  Offers me his snow tires off his Subaru.  You see, I got lucky.  The Subaru died.  No revival.  So my parents bought a new car.  A bigger car.  Their snow tires won't fit the new car.  But they will fit my car. 

Only one problem.  The Subaru died last spring... with the snow tires on them.  I was wondering how they were going to get the tires back.  Apparently my dad had it sitting at the junk yard trying to sell it on craigslist... with no luck.  So now he just needed to get them for me.  And they are studded.

Oh but that is not all... He talked BJs into installing them on my car for free.  He is a member.  He had a free tire change for as long as he owned the car.  They agreed to transfer that deal to my car.  So I ended up with 4 studded snow tires installed on my car for free.  Got it done last Wednesday.

So today I woke up for a few inches of fresh snow on the ground and 0 degree weather and I was really happen to have my new snow tires.

Imagine my surprise as I am on the highway going about 55 heading to work this morning and I began to feel my car fishtail.  Fishtail?  But I have studded snow tires.  I should be fine.

And then I did everything wrong.  I tried to correct the fishtail.  Which made it worse.  Of course.  I looked around.  I was the only person on the highway.  And I was heading toward the guardrail.  And then I was heading toward the other guardrail.  And I was going way too fast (even though I had taken my foot off the gas -- and remembered not to step on the brake).  I needed to slow down.  Fast.  So I stomped on the brake, and jerked the wheel to one side. 

So I spun.  Around and around.  In one spot.  Until I stopped.  Perpendicular to the highway -- straddling both lanes.  Stalled. 

I looked around.  Cars were coming.  So I started the car, and pulled off to the shoulder.  Facing the wrong direction.  I waited until all the traffic passed (because none of them stopped) and then did a 3 point turn on the highway. 

Needless to say it was a long, sloooow drive to the office.  What normally takes 40 minutes took well over an hour.  Nerves were shot, nobody had chocolate, and I knew I still had a long drive home.  I left work early.

Mean Mama

I hate holidays

I know that is not a popular thing to say.  I get it.  I am the Grinch.  I don't want to be.  I wish I wasn't.  But it is soooo soooo soooo tough.

Thanksgiving:

First my niece is there.  The perfect niece.  The smart niece.  The younger niece.  Ladybug and K get compared.  K loves school.  K is so smart.  K is so happy.  K is learning so much.  And it would just be katty of me to point out that I had to repeat basic instructions to her over and over and she still didn't get it right.  And I don't want to point out that my child is actually brilliant.  Brilliant in human nature.  She can read a person in about 2.7 seconds.  Because I don't want to point out that she usually uses her brilliance for evil.

My father is also there.  He doesn't believe me about Ladybug.  He loves to egg her on.  He loves to break the rules.  He loves to work her up into a frenzy.  He loves to contradict my attempts to keep her even keel.  He wants her to be normal.  But then reality slaps in the face -- sometimes literally... like when she grabbed the video tape of Miracle on 34th Street and smacked him with it during a wrestling match.

And then there is my sister.  Who brings cockroaches with her.  Yeah, there is nothing worse then that.

Lastly there is my step mom.  Who is a wonderful cook.  She follows recipes religiously but they turn out great.  Not only do I gain weight whenever I am there but I also need to hear from the kid how she is a better cook then me.

One holiday down.  Two more trips for it is 2013.  I hope I survive.

Mean Mama

Out numbered

I had my first official parent teacher conference last week.  I received her report card in the mail the week before.  She did great -- academically.  She can do the work.  If you find the right hook.  Behaviorally she didn't do so great.

My parent teacher conference was delayed.  Not because I didn't need to do it.  But because I was in training the week of the normal ones.  So it had to be scheduled special. 

I walked in to a room full of people.  A simple parent teacher conference for a 2nd grader.  In attendance were:

Her main teacher
Her math teacher
Her math teaching assistant
The school counselor
The school nurse
2 staff from student support
The school principal

Ever been in one of those?

Mean Mama

fire breathing dragon

One of my "chores" this month is to get the living room ready for winter.  This includes putting up curtains.  But I was having some difficulties finding the right curtains.  I wanted something velvet -- so that it looked warm.  I wanted something thermal -- so it would be warm.  And I live in the middle of nowhere and I was having a hard time making a decision about which curtains to buy by shopping online.  I wanted to see it.  And touch it.  And see the color.  So I had little faith I would complete my chore.  But every night I could feel the heat escaping from my house.

This weekend my mom came to visit.  And she wanted to go shopping.  Because she also lives int he middle of nowhere.  I dropped Ladybug at a party and we drove about 30 minutes to the shopping mecca (Home Depot and Lowe's).  She wanted a rug and a fake christmas tree.  While I was at Lowe's I casually walked down the curtain aisle and ... fell in love with a dark red velvet thermal curtain.  I wanted them.  But they were not cheap.  They were good quality.  But they were not cheap.  I didn't buy them.

But when I got home, my mom offered to buy them for me as a birthday/christmas present.  So I got online and tried to order it.  I needed 8 panels. 

Have you ever tried to order online from Lowe's?  It is not easy.  It kept telling me that "my" Lowe's store had 3.  So I couldn't order 8.  So I changed "my" Lowe's store to another one.  Again I could not order more then what was in that store.  So I called.  Screw ordering online.  The guy on the phone found me 8 in a store about 2 hours from me.  Apparently each store has it's own inventory.  So I bought those.  He reserved them.  I needed to drive 2 hours to get them.

And that is where the crazy happened.

I drove 2 hours today to get my nice new beautiful curtains.  I arrived at Lowe's and was told... "We don't have them." 

I took a deep breath.  I counted to 10.  I tried to calm my heart rate.  I opened my mouth and ... out came the fire breathing dragon.

I think my exact response was, "That is completely unacceptable."  And then it went down hill from there.

He tried to show me that there was no order.  I pulled out my iphone and showed him my email confirming my order and that I could pick them up today.  He showed me his computer screen showing no order AND no curtains in store.

I flipped out about driving 2 hours with my child.  I told them I wasn't leaving until I had my curtains.

A manager came over.

And we started from the start.  He asked how they could make it right.  GIVE. ME. MY. CURTAINS.  There was no other option. 

And then they found them.  In a back room.  With a sign on them -- for me.  Put there by... the first guy I was talking to.

I am pretty sure I am not allowed back in that Lowe's again.

Mean Mama

how the week went

Last week I posted about my crocking ideas for the week.  We will eat healthier.  But the best laid plans...


Saturday was suppose to be pot roast.  And it was.  She loved the meat.  Hated the potatoes and onions.  I hate cooked carrots so I didn't add those.  Maybe next time it will be just meat and then I will make a salad or something.

Sunday was chicken soup and fresh bread.  She loved the bread.  And hated the soup.  Really.  I thought the soup was great.  But maybe next time I will add onion -- since she already hates it.

Monday was calzones (not in the crock).  More accurately bacon and cheese calzone for her and bacon, mushroom and cheese calzone for me.  How could it go wrong?  Well it did.  I thought they were fabulous.  She hated the crust and thought there was not enough bacon.

Tuesday was BBQ chicken sandwiches.  Again, I was wondering how this could go wrong.  But I managed.  Again, I thought this was great.  Her first bite she loved.  The second bite was just okay.  By the third bite she was questioning how much she needed to eat.  Fail.

Wednesday was golden glow pork chop.  A pork chop with peaches.  She hated it.  And to be honest... so did I.  But the real drama was that we didn't have heat so not only did the food suck but it got cold.

Thursday was supposed to be baked potatoes with toppings.  But it wasn't.  I just couldn't bare the idea of cooking.  Or eating in the house.  So we went out for pizza.  To warm up.  And there was so much left over that we ate pizza on Friday... while we celebrated having heat again.

Friday was supposed to be Mexican chicken.  But as you can see from above, it didn't happen.  I did make it on Saturday.  But then a friend asked to go out for a late lunch at a Chinese buffet.  So by the time dinner rolled around neither of us was hungry.  So it went in the fridge and it is currently warming up for tonight's dinner.

Saturday was supposed to be meat loaf with mashed potatoes and veggies.  I am sure she will hate it.  But it will be made for tomorrow's dinner.

And I still have the baked potatoes as options this week... along with all the left overs from last week.  She will hate it.  But I am happy.  Happy enough to make this plan again next week... oh wait, next week is Thanksgiving so I don't need to make such elaborate plans.

Mean Mama

Socks!

What does one do on a mild November Saturday in the cold country?

Go to a sock sale!

Only I didn't really have a plan.  I didn't know what would be there.  I didn't know what I needed.  I didn't know what it would cost.  So I just threw socks in a bag and ran.

This is what I ended up with...

And this is what Ladybug ended up with...

Next year I may have more of a plan.

Mean Mama

I love winter!

NOT!

I came home last night and turned on the heat.  Well, I tried to turn on the heat.  Nothing happened.

So I got the landlord -- who lives just on the other side of the wall.  They worked on it for a while.  About 2 hours.  And the furnace finally kicked on.  I heated the house up to 70 degrees.  Then the furnace turned off.  And then it refused to turn back on.

By morning the house was at 56 degrees.

The landlord worked on the furnace all day. I got home to a ... freezing cold house.  No furnace.  So we went out for dinner.

Landlord has given me an electrical heater.  Which heats a room about the size of a bread box... not exaggerating.  He has also given me a new kerosene heater.  The thermostat is currently registering the dining room at 58 degrees.  I am staying up a little to give it some time to run and heat.

I am worried about fumes.  The carbon monoxide detector has been checked and has new batteries. 

Yep... I love winter.

Mean Mama

PS any typos are the fault of the gloves I am wearing to type.

after the election

As I was heading to bed last night. After the election was decided and announced.  I was listening to a republican commentator on some channel -- not sure which one -- that said something like...

It will now be the responsibility of the President to move off the Left and work with the Republicans.  He needs to move toward the conservative side if she wants to get anything done.

Hmmmm.

So Democrats won and it is their responsibility to bend to the will of Republicans?  Well why not -- that is what has been happening the last 4 years.

The Republicans complain about what a shitty job Obama has done and yet the forget that they have blocked his every attempt to get things done.  You can't blame someone for not doing their job if you completely prevent them from doing their job.  Here is a novel idea -- let him do his job.  Let him do what he wants and see if it is good or bad.  But don't block every attempt to change things and then tell him he sucks.

Maybe it is time for the Republicans to come off the right and work with the President.  Since they haven't done that for the last 4 years.

Mean Mama

I'm nervous

I want to know who are next president will be.  NOW!  I don't want to wait.  Tell me now.

I did not vote against someone.  I voted for someone.  I took all those silly online quizzes that tell you who you are most aligned with.  I came out about 91-97% with a particular candidate.  I really want him to win.

And I want to know.  NOW!

Mean Mama

Counseling

Tonight we finished session 3 of counseling.  That was after she was required to go to "student support" 2 times today.  Things are rough.  Well, things are good at home.  I mean we fight over following a schedule and attitude but overall things are okay at home.  She is not throwing tantrums.  She is not stomping around.  She is not wishing me dead -- out loud.

School is a whole different story.  I sit by the phone and wait for it to ring -- because it will.  Hands on.  Attitude.  Unwilling to follow directions.  Vomiting.

I have managed to get her physical rescheduled.  It got taken away from me by a client.  I threw a bit of a fit and we are going on the 15th -- instead of 5-6 weeks out.

The therapist is withholding from a diagnosis right now.  But she is considering a lot of options.

adhd
anxiety
attachment
spd
ptsd

I can't really argue against any of them at the moment.  And would buy any of them, I think. 

Give me a few more weeks and I might be able to be diagnosed with ptsd.

Mean Mama

weekly menu

I hate my kitchen.  But that is no excuse for not using it for it's intended purpose... cooking.  I mean, I have essentially cut out eating out... thank you for moving to a small town with very few restaurants.  But it seems that perhaps I have substituted eating out for junky quick food in the house.  I mean, if I am going to eating chicken fingers at home, why not just go to McDonald's?

And I really fear that Ladybug is dictating too much of our diet.  I mean, so what if she doesn't like it?  She never will if I never introduce her to healthy options soon.  And it is not like she is starving anymore.

On top of that, I need to have quick healthy options because of my schedule.  We leave the house at 7:30am.  We get home around 5-6:30pm depending on what the day brought.  I need to be able to help her with her homework, cook, clean up, spend some time with the kid, give her a bath, read her a story, and have her in bed by 8pm.  So I don't have a lot of time to cook in the evenings.

So that is what a slow cooker is for.  Right???  Oh Ladybug is going to hate this.  Truly.  But I can make this work... I think.

Here is the dinner menu for the week...

Saturday: Pot roast
Sunday: Chicken soup and fresh bread
Monday: calzones (not in the crock)
Tuesday: BBQ chicken sandwiches
Wednesday: Golden glow pork chop
Thursday: baked potatoes with toppings
Friday: Mexican chicken
Saturday: meat loaf with mashed potatoes and veggies

And the nice thing about all this is that I will have made more than one meal for each one.  It can go in the freezer and then I don't have to cook the next week. 

Now to write the grocery list.

Mean Mama

October update

1.  Loose 55 pounds by December 31, 2012.  Up 3.  Wrong direction.  41 to go.  I will fail for the yearly goal.

2.  Begin writing a book.  I have a fiction and non-fiction option.  Giving myself 2 years to complete it.  Did nothing.

3.  In October I needed to get 8 hours of sleep at least four nights a week. Each month after I must add one more night per week. Not even remotely close.  Will try harder in November.

4.  Blog at least 12 times per month.  Apparently blogging is too much work these days.

5.  Finish unpacking and putting together rooms in the house.  One room a month.  Problem is I have more rooms than months this year.  October is the dining room.   Done!  Well... mostly.  The one piece that is not done is not my fault -- or my responsibility.  It is cleaned.  It is decorated.  There are curtains.  But there is one wall that is not fixed.  The wall the my landlord ripped open right before I moved in -- 6 months ago.  But here are the pictures to prove it.  

I also said the kitchen would be finished this month.  And it is!  Well, as much as I can do in a rented place.  I hate my kitchen.  Really.  I hate the yellow floor.  I hate the wallpaper.  I hate the cabinets.  I hate hate hate the floor plan.  I dislike the counters.  But I love love love my new curtains -- even if they don't go with any of the decor.  More photos...

Next month is the living room.  Which is going to cost me a boat load of money.  I need new curtains and a rug.  But it can be done... I think.

6.  Start a 529 account.  Done.

7.  Start a savings account. No success here.

8.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I think it is important to keep this one from last year.  Done!  Surprisingly easy this month.

9.  Reinstall Photoshop and start editing photos again.  Nope. 

10. Pay all bills on time. Nope... but most were.

11. Make at least 1 pair of earrings each week.  Nope. No new excuse.

12.  Adding a new goal this month... Ladybug will sleep in her own bed.  Please!  Ha!  But now that it is getting colder, I might want to delay this goal... until May.

Mean Mama

A day in the life

Some days just really test me.

I got up.  On time... but still exhausted.  I took an extra long shower -- because it felt good -- but that made me be running a little late.  Breakfast, tooth brushing, and packing for school went well -- well except we fought about if it was possible to brush your teeth and sing at the same time.  Ladybug asked if she could take the art project we did over the weekend to school to show it to her teacher.  I said yes, with hesitation.

I drop her off at school and headed to work.  It was going to be a busy day.  Last night at about 10pm I realized that I had not done what I needed to do to prepare for my 10:30 meeting so I was up a little late trying to do it.  I finished it up this morning and emailed it off to those who needed -- or more accurately I thought I emailed it but only after I left the office to run an errand did I realize I forgot to attach the attachments.

We had a "team retreat" scheduled for today.  The woman who was suppose to bring chili (the main dish) called in sick -- with no chili.  So I raced out to the store, bought the stuff, and raced home to make chili.  I tripped on the stairs and crumpled onto the ground while getting stuff out the car.  But I was not injured.  I packed to very full crock pots in the car and drove back to the office hoping they would not tip and spill.

I managed a conference call -- despite my introverted tendencies.  I recently got back my Myers Briggs results and I am an INFP.  Then I grabbed the chili and headed out.  One of my co-workers offered to transport the chili in her "state" car so that if it spilled at least it would not be in my car.  So I put it in her car.  She pulled out of the parking lot a little too fast and both crock pots tipped over.

I spent 3 hours in a team building activity with a bunch of people who really don't like having me as part of the team.  Then I headed back to the office.  I got in touch with my client but had no new information for him because I have not been able to get in touch with his social worker.  I read a few depressing cases.  Then went to consult on a case with a social worker.  This is the one social worker I feel comfortable with in the office and since she gets a lot of the cases that have domestic violence, we consult a lot.  She informed me that she was told that she consults too much with me.  And it was about this time I began to lose it.

I went back to my office and called Ladybug's pediatrician.  She has a physical scheduled for tomorrow and I wanted to confirm to the time.  I was informed that they actually needed to cancel it.  I had a hard time being civil.  I scheduled this appointment 8 weeks ago.  I needed to talk to the doctor about possibly medicating my child (at the suggestion of her new therapist).  Cancelled?  They stated that something came up.  They offered a new appointment -- in 5 weeks.  No!  No!  No!  So I went back to my social worker friend to unload about it.  Only to discover that her new client -- a child abuse case -- is what bumped my appointment.  I get it.  The child with the black eye takes a priority over my child -- at least until my child beats up another child.

I packed up my office to bring home -- because Hurricane Sandy is coming so we were all ordered to bring home as much as we could.

When I got to the after school program to pick up Ladybug, the director asked if I got a call from the bus company.  Oh that can't be good.  As it turns out Ladybug got in a fight with a boy on the bus over a brown paper bag.  An EMPTY brown paper bag.  And she pushed him to the ground.

New rule:  Ladybug is not allowed to touch another child EVER!

She forgot her lunch box at school.

She forgot her art project at the after school program. 

But we are home.  She is fed.  She is cleaned.  And in bed!

Hurricane Sandy has arrived.  High winds, rain, drama.  I have parked far away from the dead tree in my yard.  And because of high winds, school and work are on a 2 hour delay.  Tuesday has got to be a better day.

Mean Mama

cruel and unusual???

Ladybug hates doing chores.  Shocker.  I hate some chores too.  The one I hate the most is trash.  I hate taking it out.  And it shows.  I wait until it is over flowing before I take it out.  But one of the ones that she hates the most is laundry.  So we made a deal a while ago regarding laundry.  She puts all her laundry in the laundry basket and I do everything else.

I put in washer.  I put in dryer.  I fold.  I put away.  Doesn't really seem fair to me.  I must have had a weak moment.

But lately she has been making my job more difficult.  She strips off her clothes in such a manner that causes them to be inside out and throws them in the basket.  So by the time it comes to folding... everything is inside out.  So I have to turn them right side in (is that the right term?) and then fold.  I have asked her not to do this.  She hasn't changed her behavior.

So this week I didn't turn them right side in.  I left them inside out.  I folded.  And I put them away. 

Today she put on a pair of yoga pants.  Inside out.  I told her.  She didn't understand why they would be inside out. She didn't find my punishment funny.

Wait until it happens all week long.

Mean Mama

Question of the week

Today's blog is brought to you by... YOU!

No, really.

It has been forever since I have fallen in love.  It is not one of my talents.  And, if memory serves, my introverted nature also makes it hard on me.  So I have decided that I need a more positive look on love.  This is where YOU come in.

Please leave me a message.  Describe how you fell in love the first time.  Or the latest time.  Or your favorite time.  Tell me about how you felt.  The moment you knew you were in love.  How you told the person you love.  Why you fell in love.  Make me feel good about love (this is all about me, after all).

Any takers???

Mean Mama

Insurance

Here is the difference between my life now and my life 6 months ago.

I use to worry about counseling for Ladybug.  She needed it.  But insurance didn't cover it.  So every time I took her it was $120 out of my pocket.  If she went every other week that was $240 in a month.  $240 that I just didn't have.  But counseling she needed.  So I had to pick... raise my debt and given my child counseling or not pay the expense and feel like a bad mom by not giving her what she needed.

It stressed me out.  And then I felt even more like a bad mom.

Now Ladybug needs therapy again.  She is not doing well at all.  And I can feel my stress level rising.  So I found a therapist for her.  And I checked with insurance today.  Was this therapist in network?  Was there a limit?  Is it covered?  Is there a co-pay? 

Free -- to me.  100% covered by insurance.  No limits.  Just show up. 

Really??  One less thing to stress about while I stress over dropping her off at school every day, waiting for the phone to ring, holding my breath while I talk to the many school people, and try not to freak out on her while we process.

Mean Mama

Small world

I have a lot going on in me.  I feel the turmoil.  I feel ...  Yeah, that is about it.  I feel.

Last week I had a "small world" moment.

About 15 years ago I started a new job.  I hadn't planned on taking a new job.  It was just one of those things that happened to me.  I got talked into doing an interview for a job I didn't want and walked out hoping I would get the job.

I loved the job.  It was working with teenage boys in a residential treatment program.  And I connected with one particular boy.  He was quiet and shy.  Reserved.  He didn't reach out to anybody.   But he did to me.  We developed a wonderful working relationship.  Trust.  Honesty.  And let's be honest... I loved that kid!  I would have taken him home and made him a part of my family if I could.  He stole my heart.  And he blossomed. 

And then it was time to let him go.  Not because I believed it.  But because I was told.  I thought that he wasn't ready to move on.  The team thought I wasn't ready to let go.  I didn't want to let go.  But it was more then that.  But my job wasn't to hold back a child.  So I made the final preparations for him to be successful and I let him go.

And for 15 years I would think of him and wonder how he was doing. 

Last week at work I was looking through new client reports and his name popped up.  And it is a unique name.  How was it possible that 14 years later, nearly 200 miles away, and he pops back into my life.  He lives 5 miles from me. 

And then I panicked.  I knew this kid because of a confidential job while he was a juvenile.  I have confidential information on him of when he was a juvenile.  Sealed record.  I can not use that information to form an opinion of his current situation.

Actually, after my boss spoke with the attorneys it was determined I could have nothing to do with this case.  I had to remove myself from his case.  I could not participate.  I can not know anything. 

I loved this kid.  He was in my office last Friday.  I was standing talking to someone in the lobby when he arrived.  My back was to him.  I heard his voice.  And I had to walk away without turning around. It broke my heart.

Mean Mama

Pain

It is amazing how pain can affect your life.  Or my life.

Years ago... when I was young... I ran.  I loved it.  And then I got injured.  Plantar Faciitus... or however you spell it.  Foot injury.  Painful.  Had to give up running.

And now it appears to be back.  In my heel.  I sit.  I am fine.  I stand up... PAIN!  First few steps are painful.

I hate it. 

It makes me feel old.  And crippled.

Make it go away.

Please.

Mean Mama

It was bound to happen

We have been here for just over 5 months.  At the end of the month I will be finishing up my 6 months of probation at work.  Most days I feel like I have a clue at work.  I am making friends, B and Mat Ladybug's daycare and E, K and J at work.  I feel hopeful.

But let's face it... I have been holding my breath when it comes to Ladybug's behavior.  I am not stupid.  I am expecting it.  She is bound to melt down.  And now that we are 6 or 7 weeks into the school year, things about bound to explode.  Better to admit it then to be surprised by it.

So I saw the huffing and puffing.  I saw the posturing.  I saw the attitude.  I could blame it on the sisters I didn't like (and to be honest, they really didn't help the situation at all).  But I knew sooner or later we were likely to need therapy.  And Ladybug even started asking for it.  So I started looking.

Have I mentioned that I live in the middle of flipping NOWHERE?  I need an attachment specialist in a town of 6500 people.  So I started asking around a few weeks ago.  I was in trainings -- so I asked the experts.  I was at work -- so I paid attention to who clients were using.

And then Friday happened. 

As she was lining up at the end of the school day to get on the bus to go to the other school program she had a little problem.  A first grade girl she knows tried to cut in line.  She had already blown out of several classes during the day.  I had already received calls from her regular teacher and her math teacher.  But this was apparently the last straw.  So she pushed the girl into the wall.  This little girl who is about 6 inches shorter and about half her weight.  To be fair, because I also know this little girl, she has some serious anger issues and is a scrappy little thing.  So she turned around after being pushed and punched Ladybug in the back of the head.  And the battle began.

So I got a call from the school counselor.  Shocker!

And then today, I found a therapist for her.  First appointment is in about 2 weeks.

Mean Mama

Holiday theme

It may seem a little early in the year to be discussing holiday parties but the topic came up in my staff meeting yesterday.  We settled on a date and place and then went on to the next topic.  But as we left staff the director asked the host if she would be willing to see if people were willing to do a food theme this year instead of just a random potluck. 

So in team meetings -- I am on both teams -- we took suggestions and polls. 

How about college themed -- kegs and pizza?

How about xyz theme?

And then someone suggested how about a country theme.  Pick a country and everyone bring a traditional food from that country.  And that is where things went terribly wrong.

Supervisor:  How about Ethiopia.  We will all starve that way?
Me: Excuse me.  What did you say?
Supervisor: Um.  Nothing.
Me:  I don't think I heard you, what did you say.
Supervisor: Nothing.  It wasn't appropriate.
Me: I plan on cooking Ethiopian food all weekend if you have any desire to learn about it.
Supervisor: Um.

And she is a social worker.

Mean Mama

September update

1.  Loose 55 pounds by December 31, 2012.  Down another 5.  Still only 38 to go now.  I have a feeling I may fail for the yearly goal.

2.  Begin writing a book.  I have a fiction and non-fiction option.  Giving myself 2 years to complete it.  Did nothing.

3.  In September I needed to get 8 hours of sleep at least three night a week - because I failed at this in August. Each month after I must add one more night per week. I got it.  Not that it seemed to help much.  I was exhausted most of the month.  But now that it is colder, I find myself going to bed early just to get warm.

4.  Blog at least 12 times per month.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

5.  Finish unpacking and putting together rooms in the house.  One room a month.  Problem is I have more rooms than months this year.  September is the study.   Done!  And I only had to buy one $27 bookcase and one $15 bookcase.  I planned to buy a new rug but one showed up -- not sure from where.  I am sad I don't get the one I wanted but I decided to save the money for other things.  Here on the photos...

I know I promised the kitchen too.  But I can not deliver.  But not for lack of trying.  My step mom agreed to sew curtains for me.  She is arriving in less than 2 weeks with them.  So the kitchen will have to wait until the October update.  I will also have the dining room done for that.  I promise.  I know because most of it is already done (and it is only October 1st).  The only part I can not promise is the wall being fixed (remember that wall the landlord had to rip open right before I moved in?  Yeah, that still needs a little work).  The continues dropping temperatures are letting me know that I am rapidly running out of time to winterize and that even though some windows are new, they still need curtains.  I am struggling with rugs at the moment.  Maybe I will have some clarity by the end of the month.

6.  Start a 529 account.  Done.

7.  Start a savings account. No success here either.

8.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I think it is important to keep this one from last year.  Done!  Surprisingly easy this month.

9.  Reinstall Photoshop and start editing photos again.  Nope. 

10. Pay all bills on time. Done! 

11. Make at least 1 pair of earrings each week.  Nope. No new excuse.

12.  Adding a new goal this month... Ladybug will sleep in her own bed.  Please!  Ha!  And since the landlord is in the middle of fixing a window in her room, we have shut off the room and she isn't even pretending to sleep in her room.  Hopefully that will change soon.

Mean Mama

Question of the week

I had an incident while in Chicago last month.  So now I have a question.

In between the workshops I had to make a run to the ladies room. I waited in line for my turn.  When it was my turn, it was the handicap stall.  I used it.  As I was coming out the next person in line made a comment.  She gave me a dirty look but refused to take her turn.  The woman behind her told her there was an empty stall. The woman said something like, "It is for people with disabilities.  I am not disabled so I should not use it."

I got the message.  I was bad for using that stall.  So I began to think.  I don't park in handicap spots.  EVER!  And I was a little pissy this morning when I saw a cop parked in the handicap spot so he could get his coffee this morning.  But I don't really see the bathroom stall thing as the same.  I mean, if there someone with a disability in the bathroom I would let her go first.  But not use a toilet for 2 minutes because someone might come in?

So do you use the handicap stall?

Really.  I want to know.

Mean Mama

Nightmare

I have been struggling with a recent nightmare. 

Actually at this point I have forgotten most of it.  But at the end of the nightmare I got into my car, with Ladybug in the back seat and started to drive off. 

I was leaving a farm with corn fields all around (childhood stuff).  But as I pulled out of the drive I didn't turn and I drove right into the field and down the embankment.

I remember clearly thinking that it would be okay.  Yep, the car is going to need to be fixed because I will crash the front end.  But I would just have to deal with it.  No need fretting over it.

And then a split second later I realized that I was not crashing.  I was sinking.  In mud.  And I knew that the car was going under.  Head first.  And that I was going to die. 

I looked back at Ladybug as the back end of the car disappeared under the mud.  She was going to die too.  It was so real.  I wasn't ready to die.  I wasn't done living.  I didn't want her to die.  This just could not be the end.

And then I woke up.  And the feelings were still so real.  But I fell back to sleep.  And I had the exact same dream. 

Over and over through the night.

I didn't like it.

Mean Mama

Pissing everyone off

I know what I am about to write will piss off a bunch of people.  And I understand that I am chickening out.  I could post this on Facebook.  But I won't.  And there are very few people who know about this blog that also know it is me.  So I will be a chicken here.

Nothing pisses people off like religion.  And I am fed up with it.  Everyone is so sure that their religion is the only right one and that everyone agrees with them.

I am an Atheist.  Really.  Not agnostic.  No confused.  Atheist.  Which is the worst to be.  Because it is worse to not believe in something then to not believe in whatever the other person believes.

So one of my friends posts on Facebook today.

And it made me think.

Wasn't America founded by people fleeing from religious persecution? They didn't come to America to form a pocket of their own religion.  They came for religious freedom.  Right?

Isn't there an Amendment that specifically separates church and state?  I think there is.  And yet we have constantly broken that.  Even our money has "In God We Trust" printed on it.  And I have been questioned how I can use money (as an Atheist) with that printed on it.  Whatever. I can't win everything.

There is the argument that continually rears it's head about the Pledge of Allegiance.  Some people want to remove the words "under God" from it.  And that causes people to say it has always been a part and we should not remove it because of non-believers.  In reality, it hasn't always been in it.  It was added, I think, in the 1950's.

And finally I would just like to know... which Christian values?  Catholic?  Because America was up in arms in the 1960's when Kennedy ran for president -- he has been the only Catholic president.  Methodist?  My former's boss' daughter didn't want to go to school in CT because she had been raised Methodist and CT was full of Catholics?  Baptist?  Episcopal?  Presbyterian?  Unitarian?  Sorry if I have missed any.  I don't know the differences.  But those who are one or the other know.  Not all Christians are created equal.

I  don't care if you are Christian, Muslim, Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, etc.  I don't live in a religious based country.  I understand that the majority of Americans are religious.  I don't want to change that.  Believe in whatever god you want.  Go to whatever church you want.  Learn your morals however you do.

Just don't tell me I have to.

Mean Mama

adding it up

Let me first start this post out by saying that overall work has improved... dramatically.  However... sometimes ...

It took me a while but I finally figured out what happened today.  Where to start?

This afternoon I received an email from one of the supervisors.  It was a general email that went to the entire office.  But somehow I knew it was for me.  It was a reminder that the teams have operating agreements and we need to remember to follow them.  And that one of the agreements is that we all agreed to not use our cell phones during team meetings.

So instead of stewing about it I trotted to the other side of the office and had a conversation with the supervisor.  I pointed out a few things.
    1.  The operating agreements were done before I was hired.
    2.  I have never read the operating agreements -- mostly because nobody shared them with me.
    3.  I do use my cell phone during the meetings.  I do not make calls.  I do not check emails.  I do not text.  I use the phone in the meetings to take notes.  I listen to the cases and make reminders to myself of things that I need to do in regards to those cases.
So I apologized.  I was given the option of using pen and paper to take notes or asking permission from the teams to use my phone.  I haven't yet decided which I will do.

But then I began to wonder.  Why?  Why, after 4 months, was this being brought up?  Through a supervisor?

And then I remembered an earlier conversation.

We were eating lunch (staff lunch that everybody was required to attend) and some of the people began discussing a case.  J (client) has been living in a transitional house (3 days) that is run by my friend, B.  J got kicked out.  J told the staff that she was kicked out by B because of renovations to the house and that she will be able to return once the renovations are done.  I know this is not true.  Because B has been talking to me about it - a lot.  I don't talk back, but I listen to her.  But the staff decided that B is being unethical by telling J that.  So I spoke up and said B absolutely never said that.  And since J has been lying to us about EVERYTHING since day one (she told us this was her first baby -- neglecting to mention to us that she had 4 other children she has lost custody of).  But the staff are opting to believe J.  And I backed up B. 

And then I got thrown under the bus.

When will the realize that I am getting use to being the outsider?  Pushing me into a corner in order to get me to behave?  Yeah, that really isn't going to work.

Mean Mama

Around and Around and Around

It amazes me how much Ladybug still likes merry-go-rounds.  Or are the called carousels?  Either way, she rode one last weekend.  Several times. 

But this one had interesting animals.  No horses.  No zebras.

We had...

 a toad... I think.

 a wide mouth bass... I don't really know my fish.

 A loon ... I am positive.

 an otter...

 a porcupine...

 a moose...

 a black fly... no, really

 a jack rabbit...

 and a turtle.

Just to name a few.

Mean Mama

Junior Grand Prix Skating

While visiting my mom last weekend we decided to go to the Junior International Grand Prix Skating competition -- at the last minute.  As it turned out, getting tickets was a piece of cake.  This skaters were from all over the world.  They are juniors -- so this means they are hoping to move up into the regular standing.  These are the people who hope to be in the winter Olympics in 2014.

I was excited about it and as it turned out some of them were really good.  So during one of the first breaks I quickly ran out to the car to get my camera.  No flash photographer allowed.  No video allowed.  But pictures were just fine.  As I grabbed the camera out of the back seat I remembered that I had left my memory card in my computer -- at home.  So the camera was useless. 

As a result I used my phone camera to capture some really bad shots of our day (9:30am-8pm).

We had great seats!

Mean Mama