Last resolution update

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds. And the news at the end of the year is that this has been a big old epic failure.  But I am feeling positive about it.  I will try again.  And this one will be on the list for 2012 -- as it would have been if I succeeded.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least o.ne of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  I read The Help this month.  I won't write the author's name because I don't remember it and I am sure that you all know it.  I will also say that I hated it.  Okay, maybe "hate" is a strong word.  I struggled through it.  Thought it was poorly written.  Thought it was a great idea that was poorly executed.  Yes, I know EVERYONE will disagree with me.  I have also started another book -- that I am failing to remember the exact name of or who wrote it.  It is something like Why We are Fat. 
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  Apparently I am not motivated enough to get this done.  And it will not be on the list in 2012.
4.  Find a new job.  Obviously didn't do this one.  Sad.  Not sure it will make the 2012 list.
5.  Move.  See above.
6.  Buy my first home.  See above.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  Done!  And will not make 2012 list but for a far more positive reason then the ones above.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Removed.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  Sucked this month.  I am determined to get this one back on track in 2012 -- once I have returned to my own bed.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Done!  Well almost.  I will miss December by one blog post.  I refuse to put up a silly post just to make it.  And I count this one as a success.  Especially since I did 251 posts this year.  Not bad at all.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. Will kidfit classes at the Y and swimming starting in 2012 I am counting this one as a success this year.
12.  Get involved with a charity.  Nothing.  I really need to work on this one.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Failure.  And it will be put on the 2012 list.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Removed.
15.  Start a 529 account. Oops!  Big failure.  Need to get this done in 2012.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Success.  And good news is that I left the house in fairly good shape so I should get home to a fairly clean house.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  Hard to do on travel months.  But either way I think we are doing much better with this and I plan to continue it in 2012.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Removed -- because it is too simple.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine. The gym will become my best friend when we return home.  I will succeed at this.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  Removed.  And I refuse to feel bad about my complete inability to do this.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  I think I did a good job at this this month and the year as a whole.  I plan to continue.  And to finally learn photoshop and how to use the video function of my camera.
22.  Pay all bills on time. I really need to work on this one.
23.  Become caffeine free.   I was completely caffeine free...and then I drove for 14 hours.  I will be caffeine free again.  Soon.  But I will not try to do this on vacation -- too dangerous.


And that concludes the year.  Stay tuned for the goals (trimmed down and focused) for 2012 coming soon.


Mean Mama

searching

This is a topic that comes up in my life over and over again.  It is a topic I have debated many times over the years.  From many different points of view.  And I know that it is not a topic that is done for me yet.

I first searched for siblings.  Five, to be exact.  I have 6 biological siblings but I was adopted with one.  Some of the searching was easy.  Some not so much.  I then searched for for my biological mother.  Which was odd.  I thought it would be easy.  I had her name and her age.  I knew what state she lived in and even the town.  But I could not find her.  This was before the internet really entered every home.  But I did eventually find her. I even helped some friends search.

And now searching is on my mind.  I worry that if I don't search for Ladybug that I will run out of time.  I worry that maybe the time has already run out.  What if they are all dead.  How sad would that be for her. 

But the other day I thought I started a rather innocent conversation with my sister at lunch.  It turned into a rather heated debate with my father about the right to search. 

I was rather surprised how against it he was. I don't think it came from a personal stand -- like he was afraid of me rejecting him in place of my biological family.  I mean, let's face it, that is so not going to happen in my case.  But he thought that as a parent relinquished a child for adoption that the parent should check a box allowing for future contact or not by that biological child.  If the biological parent said no then the adoptee (adult or not) should not be allowed to search.  Ever.

I say... screw that.  I (or an adult adoptee) can not be held to a contract that I was not a party to.  And life is fluid.  Who is to say things don't change for all involved.  And that what seemed like the worst thing at the birth (being found by the child you gave up) is not so bad 20...30...40 years later.  I say, history has a way of creeping into your life.  Secrets are impossible. I also say that all people involved should behave like reasonable adults and respect all those involved in the process. 

My dad thinks that the bio parents right to privacy trumps the adoptees' desire to search.  Every single time.  I disagree.

Thoughts?

Mean Mama

Happy with the one I've got

I know that I complain and bitch a lot about all the issues that Ladybug has.  I know we have issues that are difficult at times.  I will not diminish the very really things that we go through.  But after spending a day with  my sister and her child -- I am so glad that I have the one I've got.

Yeah, she drives me insane. 

Yeah, she is high energy.

Yeah, she is defiant.

Yeah, she is difficult to control.

But she is a lovely, thoughtful, funny, little girl.  We have worked hard to hammer out our relationship.  We have come to a place that on most days we co-exist peacefully.  And we have developed a language between us that on most days we understand.

Oh and have I mentioned... I really do love her.  Ladybug, you still are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Mean Mama

The joys of Christmas

The joys of Christmas... when you have a child who is on the attachment spectrum (I made that up but it works for me) are abundant.

1.  If you decide to travel -- all rules don't apply.  They do not need to be nice or polite or even resemble acting like a human.
2.  If you see grandparents (who have been told of all the struggles but don't want to give up their rights to spoil) -- self entitlement will rear it's ugly head.  They get what they want, parents be damned, and therefore it must mean they are in control and therefore, they no longer need to listen to you.  Meaning, #1 is affirmed.
3. It doesn't matter that you spent $150 on the one toy they were sure they could not live without.  It does not matter that it took 3 hours to assemble while they slept so you can keep Santa alive this one last year.  It does not matter that the damn thing is so big that you really aren't sure how to get it home because it will not fit in the car.  All they really want now is what their younger cousin got for Christmas.  And if the younger cousin even looks at that gift that they will not touch, a screaming match will erupt.
4.  You will stay up late driving.  You will stay up late making sure that the magic of Christmas is there for your child.  You will stay up late making sure there is food and cookies, and decorations that they will look back and remember fondly (but not for at least another 20 years)  You will sleep poorly on the blow up mattress in the basement so that they will get plenty of sleep in the comfy beds.  The bags under your eyes will grow so large that an airline would have no issue charging you extra for bringing them on the plane.  And all your child will know is that you are not going that one last extra mile to make everything just a little more exciting.
5.  And if you are smart enough to do therapy and work hard to improve the day to day life of your child, if you have taught her how to express herself and recognize issues as they come up, if you have taught her words that explain attachment, she will only throw it back in your face at a time that will benefit her the most, when she believes that she has the grandparents on her side and she can gang up on you. 

Yeah!  She was only slightly surprised when I reached my limit and threw her in bed (yeah, my bed, the blow up mattress in the basement) and made her go to bed without a story.  Not the best way to end Christmas day.  But I have to say today was a million times better and I am betting it was because I asserted myself as parent in her eyes.

Gotta love attachment

Mean Mama

vacation prep

It is always hard to get work ready for a vacation.  I must plan ahead.  I must consider deadlines.  I must prepare clients and inform the attorneys and other paralegal of where each case is.  It takes some time. 

This time was a little easier because of the 8 business days that I will be out of the office, the office will be closed 5 of those days.

It was a little more difficult because at the end of last week this is what my desk looked like...

There was a lot of work to be done.  And on top of all my work, the other paralegal in the office was on vacation all week.  So I had her caseload to keep track of.  But by the time I left work today this is what my desk looked like...

And now I am on vacation!

Mean Mama

Ready!

I think we are officially ready for Christmas.

Now I have to pack it all up, pack clothes, and drive for 2 days.  Shouldn't be bad.  Anybody know if there are any freak snow storms planned?

Mean Mama

Christmas prep

Do you remember my post a little while ago saying that I planned on keeping my kitchen table clean so we could eat at the table every night for dinner?  Well, I can't lie... not every night.  But most nights.  Which drives Ladybug nuts.  But the newest part of Christmas prep has made it difficult.  The table has turned into the project table too.  This is what it has looked like for the better part of the last week.

I am beginning to think I could benefit from a project table.

So we have made some earrings for Christmas.  Is that cheating?  I pull out the beads and I make.  Cheap.  Easy.  And Ladybug gets to design some too.  Which means she gets to give gifts that are just from her.  Well, she designs but I have to do actual work of putting them together.  The first pair she designed has about 20 beads on it...I had to ask her to tone it down.

 The ones above are for my younger sister.  I designed the ones on the left.  Ladybug designed the ones on the right.

 The pair above is for my older sister.  Ladybug is giving her a travel coffee mug.

 This is a pair for my friend I will be staying with during part of the vacation.  I don't think orange is her favorite color but since she was born on Halloween I think she should own a pair of orange earrings.

 The ones above are for my step mom.  Ladybug designed the ones on top.  I did the ones on the bottom.  She needs lots of new earring since someone stole all of her jewelry about a year ago when she was on vacation.

The ones above are for my mom.  She asked for blue earrings.  I think she is getting what she wants.  Ladybug is getting her a book.

The pair above is the earrings Ladybug has designed for me.  I had to put them together.  But I get to open a gift from her on Christmas morning.

Mean Mama

Rudolph

In between all the negative behaviors and hard times,  Ladybug has been offering me to tidbits of information.  Sometimes, it is something that just makes me giggle.  Sometimes, it makes me sit back and scratch my head.  And sometimes, it makes me realize that she really does listen to me.

The other day we were driving home from the gym (yep, still going -- not every day -- and nursing an Achilles injury).  My radio station is in the "24/7 Christmas songs" period of the year. Rudolph came on and we were singing away.  It is a fun song.  Upbeat.  Childish.  Cute.

Ladybug:  Are the other reindeers making fun of Rudolph because he looks different?
Mama: Um.  Well.  Yes, they did.
Ladybug: That is not nice.
Mama:  You're right.
Ladybug:  Everybody looks different, you should not make fun of people because of that.
Mama: You're right.
Ladybug:  We look different.
Mama: What do you mean?
Ladybug: You look different from me.  And people should not make fun of us just because we look different.
Mama:  True.  Families come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and colors.
Ladybug: So they should have been nice to Rudolph.

Mean Mama

I knew it was coming

She has been doing so well that I knew we were going to blow. 

This morning was... well... hell.

She woke me up an HOUR before I had to get up and I didn't go to bed until nearly 1:30am so I was already pleasant.

When it came time to get ready she wouldn't put down the video game.

She couldn't figure out how to find her pants.

That she put away.

I had to ask her 6 times to get them on.

Oh and then she hit me.

She couldn't figure out how to put her jacket on.

She had a fit that I threw away the rest of the birthday cake.

Because ants were all over it.

Then she didn't put on her socks and shoes.
She stood in the bathroom staring at me with the toothbrush hanging out of her mouth refusing to brush her teeth for about 5 minutes.

And then the fake crying started...

She made it through school without major issues.  She blew out of jump rope club before she even walked in the door.  She cried while at the afterschool program.

I knew what I had to do.  I had to cancel my plans to go to the gym.  I had to go home.  Sit with her while she did homework.  Cook with her.  Do arts and crafts with her.  Read stories with her.  If I had any hope of getting out of this with little damage.  And then when we were walking out to the car this is the conversation we had...

Ladybug: Are you going to olkdfoffgre me?
Me: What? (I swear I thought she asked me if I was going to punch her.  That can't be right.  Can it?)
Ladybug:  Are you going to kjsdfhnef me?
Me: Honey I can't hear you.  What are you asking?  (This time I am pretty sure she is asking if I am going to push her.  Really?  What is going through her head).
Ladybug: Are you going to punish me?
Me: (Oh now that makes more sense.  And is far less scary then what was going on in my head).  No.  I was thinking we needed to spend some extra time together and try to make things better.
Ladybug: Oh.  Okay.

Please let tomorrow be better. Pleeeeeeeease!

Mean Mama

i hate the fake crying

Lotion snob

One of my friends, who will remain nameless, is begging me to get a new addiction.  Pinterest.  She loves it.  I refuse to use it.  I need another addiction like I need a hole in my head.  But today I went to the website.  Ssshhhhhh! Don't tell her.  I didn't go to get involved.  I went to see if I could find any new lotions ideas.  What I found was that... I am a snob.

Some time ago I started making my own lotion.  I don't buy lotion.  I don't use lotion.  I have skin that doesn't require it.  And then I adopted Ladybug.  I was told over and over that I would need to learn how to care for her skin and hair.  And like most typical new adopted parents of children from Ethiopia I spent years buying new products and trying them then shoving the rest into the the back of some cabinet.  And then I got on this "natural" kick.  I was surprised that on Pinterest every recipe included either wax (who puts wax on their skin) or just shows people who to combine other commercial lotions into their own jar.  I want to actually make lotion.

I discovered that most commercial lotions have a ton of crap in it.  And the natural stuff is way too expensive.  So now I make my own.  And it is all natural.  And people will be getting it for xmas this year.  We made lotion today.

We started with this...

Please note that all these ingredients are pure.  That means the vitamin E oil is only vitamin E.  The Shea butter is only Shea butter.  No need to buy a bunch of things with lots of other ingredients in it.  The one exception is the fragrance oil you see in the front... but that was also bought at a health food store and is all natural.

We (because Ladybug helped out with this whole process) put all the Shea butter in the mixing bowl.

Actually that was only half but I later doubled the recipe and used it all.

Then add the oils.

I ended up doing 8 Tablespoons of olive oil and 4 Tablespoons of vitamin oil.  I used both bottles of the fragrance oil.

Then add the coconut oil.  This got tricky.   I was suppose to use 8 ounces for a double recipe.  My jar was 14 ounces.  So I pulled out my kitchen scale.  But the battery was dead.  So I guessed.  I think I used more than 8 ounces.  But this recipe is forgiving.

Blend until smooth.  Just set on high and walk away.

The lotion is very runny.  It needs to chill and set.  But I thought it would be best to get it into the jars first.  First I tried by using a funnel.  It worked but was really slow.  I ended up putting it all into a ziplock bag, cutting a corner off, and squeezing like a pastry bag.  Quick and simple.

This is what we ended up with.

And they are now chilling in the fridge.  15 jars. You can easily modify the recipe with whatever oil you like.  Add jojoba, or caster, or cocoa butter, or whatever you want.  Add your favorite fragrance.  It can be used on skin.  It can be made lighter or diluted to use on hair. 

Mean Mama

refusing to bang my head

I hesitate to tell you how wonderful Ladybug is doing.  Because I know that as soon as I open my mouth things will go downhill.  That is just my kind of luck...and it is all about me.

School has been amazing.  A few minor X's on her contract every once in a while.  Mostly about talking.  No aggression.  No defiance.  No gluing erasers to the chair.  Good behavior.

After school program is great.  Okay, she got kicked out of jump rope club last week for licking the coach.  Yes, I said "licking."  I don't know why.  I just asked her not to again.  She left jump rope club this week because she felt the coach was being unfair.  She is big on the idea that things should be fair.  But one of the nice things about this program is that they love her.  I mean they really LOVE her.  Even when she is being a little ridiculous.

What made the difference?  I stopped banging my head against the brick wall.  Seriously.  I stopped trying to resolve everything.  I stopped trying to fit her into the boxes other people wanted her to be in.  I stopped freaking out over everything.  And she responded. 

And apparently everybody else has decided to stop banging their heads too.

Mean Mama

Photos

I got a new toy for Christmas.  I know it's not Christmas yet but my mama let me pick it out.  And now I have a hobby.  I am playing with my photos.  Here are some of my photos that I have been editing and enhancing...

Mean Mama

Random observations while at the gym today

1.Apparently it is not wise to wear the same clothes on day 2 to workout if I did cardio the day before -- I stank so bad I couldn't stand to be near myself.
2. Dear IBM Man (Yes, he had an IBM t-shirt on), about 50% of men go bald. It is far sexier to be bald than to have a dead animal on your head, and we can all tell it is not your real hair. Besides, who wants to have a rug on their head while sweating.  I can barely stand to have my real hair on my head when working out.
3. Dear Short Boy, I know being short is a blow to your manly ego but putting the bike seat on the highest setting of the stationary bike and then having to wiggle from side to side while you peddle only makes you look silly.  And since you have to readjust your butt back on the seat about every 30 seconds, I have to believe that you already know this.  On the other hand, it is possible that you are doing some serious work on you love handles.
3. Dear Young Girl, it is great that you are exercising. Now use some of those muscles to control the motions instead of looking like a jelly fish on the bike.
4. Dear Hot Guy with the fabulous legs (yes, I was openly drooling over you today), please stop biting your tongue while you pump the weights... you are ruining my fantasies that are helping me to get through this workout.

Turns out the Gym is a better place to people watch than the mall.

Mean Mama

World AIDS Day

HIV and AIDS is not new to me.  It is not new to a lot of people. 

When I was in high school -- many moons ago -- my mom worked for a company where it was her job to do research for AIDS educators.  She did book research, not medical research. 

When I was in elementary school I was best friends with a set of twins.  The quiet shy twin contracted HIV from her cheating boyfriend in college.

Ladybug's had a first best friend.  They met soon after she came home at day care.  They were inseparable.  Her dad also works in HIV world -- although I am unclear exactly what he does.  He travels all over the world for his job.

And then, of course, there is Ladybug.  Ladybug was born to 2 HIV+ parents.  Her first mother was likely HIV+ through the pregnancy and birth of Ladybug.  Ladybug's mother died of complications of her HIV+ status nearly 18 months after Ladybug was born.  Ladybug's father was in advanced stages of AIDS at the time Ladybug was relinquished for adoption. 

AIDS changed everything for her.  Her parents.  Her family.  Her name.  Her language.  Her country.  Her food.  Her possibilities.  Her future.  AIDS picked her up off the path she was on and dropped her on a completely different road. 

And, of course, AIDS has touched my life.  It gave me my daughter.  I love her and can not imagine my life without her.  But it didn't have to be this way.

Learn about AIDS and HIV.

Mean Mama

second to last

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds. I made some big changes this month.  I lost 4 pounds this month.  Then I gained them over last weekend -- holidays.  But as of this morning I am down 4 pounds again.  May next month bring me additional losses.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least o.ne of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  On wings of Eagles by Ken Follett.  I love him.  And actually I read this book for the first time when in high school.  I like it.  I also started The Help -- but I haven't finished it yet.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  Apparently I am not motivated enough to get this done.
4.  Find a new job.  Nope -- but I have found a few that I need to apply to.
5.  Move.  No -- and I was just forced to sign a year lease. 
6.  Buy my first home.  Again, this one has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  Done!
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Removed.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  Really good with this one.  Especially since going to the gym -- it is amazing how much I wanted to sleep after working out.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Done!
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. She is back in Jump Rope club.  She goes to the kids game room while I work out.  There is a kidfit class twice a week -- which she has refused to participate in.  I did sign her up for swim lessons that start in January.
12.  Get involved with a charity.  Nothing.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Think I might be willing to admit this is not happening.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Removed.
15.  Start a 529 account.  I know I need to.  I will.  Some day.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Twice -- once before guests and once after guests.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I didn't track it.  But I am sure this is another failure.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Removed -- because it is too simple.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine. The gym is kicking my butt and helping me start this process.  I have not been in 7 days though.  The gym was closed Wednesday-Friday.  I was exhausted on Saturday after the guests left.  I was lazy on Sunday and then my little annoying friend (flo) arrived and I have had a miserable few days with her.  I refuse to bleed and sweat at the same time.  I will be returning to the gym tomorrow.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  Removed.  And I refuse to feel bad about my complete inability to do this.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  Now I need to figure out the video part of this camera.  My mama bought me photo software to make my pictures pretty.  Now if I could just learn to use it.
22.  Pay all bills on time. This absolutely did not improve this month.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Piece of cake.  MMMM cake.  Can I have cake instead of caffeine?

11 down, 1 to go.  Determined to finish the year off strong.


Mean Mama

10 things adopted kids may want you to know

#1 – Don't lie -- don't feed their fantasies, don't create answers for your child that you don't have.  Be honest...to the extent that it is age appropriate.  It will strengthen your relationship with them.

#2 – A child that has already loved and lost wants to know it won't happen again.  They want to feel secure.  Don't make promises you can't keep but let them know that they have a community and family that will always be there for them.

#3 – They will not "get over it."  It will be revisited.  Over and over.  As they travel through the different developmental stages and new stages of life.  Let them express their new position with their old grief and knowledge about their adoption.  Get comfortable with it -- you will experience it a lot in their lives.

#4 – A child who was adopted will not always be sad.  They are kids.  They want to smile and laugh and play.  They want to be normal.  Let them experience normalcy when they want it. 

#5 – A child will always miss their first parent.  It is not the "I miss my best friend" type of thing.  It is a question.  It is the unknown.  It is wondering what might have been and trying to understand what might be different if given different circumstances.  It can not be resolved.  They may not be willing to trade what they have to get what they lost but they will still miss.

#6 – Let them talk.  Let them have mementos.  Let them have photos.  They want to remember... maybe not everyday, but they don't want to forget forever.

#7 – Don't assume that all children who are adopted will follow the same path.  This looks different for each person.   Let them experience their emotions as they come, do not attempt to compartmentalize them.

#8 – A child who is adopted will have many emotions, including ones that may not make sense to you.  They don't want you to "understand."  That trivializes their feelings.  They want you hold their hand and walk through the emotion with them and know they are loved.

#9 – Recognize behaviors for what they are, a cry for help, attention, acknowledgement. Sometimes they will act out.  Sometimes they will hurt you.  Know that their behaviors may not define how they are feeling.

#10 – When you don't know what is going on with a child who was adopted, ask.  Be there.  Be present.  Listen.  You will learn from them and they will feel more secure with you.


Mean Mama

Yams!

I hate yams.  Seriously hate them.  Can not choke them down.  But my sister loves them.  So I was a good hostess and made them for Thanksgiving.

I started with this...

And combined almost all of it together -- except the apples and some of the butter.

And stirred until it looked like this...

Then I layered...  first the yams mixture.

Then the apples...

Repeat until done.  Brush top layer of apples with melted butter.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes and serve hot (I didn't get to take a photo of the end project because my family thought it was strange I was taking picture of my food).

I hear it was good.  I didn't try it.

Mean Mama

Nothing like the holidays to bring out the attachment issues

Sometime ago I made the decision that Ladybug was not yet ready to have friends over to our house.  She is age appropriate for it but her attachment issues get in the way.  She can, however, go over to other kid's house.  She can share other people's parents, she is still not ready to share me.

I thought maybe that sharing me with her cousin, K, would be okay.  I mean, she is an only child who is not use to sharing her things with others but I thought she might not be threatened by me showing affection to K.  This would be the test because this would be the first time since we had started therapy that family was coming to our house for the holiday.

Overall she did great.  She let me hug K.  She let me joke with K.  She let me hold K's hand.  She let me do K's hair (but maybe she liked seeing me torture her).  But she reached her limit.  And I knew it instantly.

I was in the living room with K and Ladybug.  Ladybug was coloring and I was trying to teach K how to put a shoe on her foot.  This was not an easy process... for a number of reasons.  First is that K is 4.5 years old.  Kids who are 4.5 years old are not necessarily great at a step by step process.  Second is that K has a bit if a weight issue and it affects her ability to move (4.5 years old, 45 inches tall, and 70 pounds can affect your ability to be limber, agile and flexible). I had her sitting on the floor and I was asking her to reach down, hold the tongue of the sneaker and put her foot in the shoe.  Every time she reached for her foot she would roll onto her back.  But I kept encouraging her to try.  Until finally she rolled back in a wrong direction and she smacked the back of her head on the corner of the TV stand.

I scooped K up in my arms because I knew smacking her head must have really hurt.  And as I scooped K up and dealt with the injury, I saw Ladybug quietly get up and go upstairs.  So fit.  No yelling.  No dirty looks.  No stomping.  Nobody else even noticed her going up.  I did.  And I knew.  She had reached her limit.  Once K was calm enough to go see her mama (who was just in the kitchen on her computer and didn't come to see why her child was crying -- or maybe she just trusted me to handle it) I headed upstairs and found her crying on my bed.

Mama: Come cuddle with me (laying down on the bed)
Ladybug: No.
Mama: Are you mad at me?
Ladybug: Yes.
Mama: Why?
Ladybug: Because you want to replace me.

Yep, I was right.  We talked some more until she was at least willing to look at me -- even though she was not yet willing to believe me that I was not replacing her.  And then we had to go on errands.  She stated she wasn't ready to forgive me.  She told me she still felt like "punishing" me.  I decided to just let that go.  She is allowed to feel that way as long as she remains polite and respectful.  And I let her know that.

We went on the errands, which included going to Toys R Us (yes, on black Friday) but she was emotionally exhausted from the attachment issues she opted to stay in the car (with me) and sleep.  Everybody else went in and shopped.

Not bad for a family weekend.

Mean Mama

Sibling differences

I was always knew my sister and I were very different.  But I never really understood how different.

We are biological siblings.  We were adopted into the same family.  We are both single.  And we are both mothers to 1 daughter.  And that is just about where things ends.

I have never kept things.  She is a pack rat.  I am introvert.  She is an extrovert.  I am a democrat.  She is a republican.  She goes to church weekly.  I don't ever go to church. 

But nothing shows our differences more than our parenting.  And I wondering how that happens?

My daughter is almost 7 years old and adopted.
Her daughter is 4.5 years old and her biological child.

Her daughter is happy -- I mean truly happy.  Giggles all the time.
My daughter -- well, if you have been reading this blog you know there are some issues we are working on.

Her daughter wants to learn -- is genuinely curious about everything.
My daughter, hates school and likes to play "dumb" a lot.

My daughter is one of the pickiest eaters I know.
Her daughter eats everything.  I mean, I have yet to find a food she does not like. 

It may sound like I wish I had her daughter.  I love my niece (K) but I would never trade my daughter for hers.

As much as Ladybug doesn't listen to me and it drives me insane -- K not only doesn't listen to her mom, she then laughs about it.  And my sister allows it.  After 3 days I was completely sick of hearing my sister say, "Stop it, K. No, stop it, K.  Seriously, stop it K."

She is completely incapable of sitting still.  Which can occasionally be a problem.  Like at a movie.  She bounced.  She jumped.  She kicked the chair in front of her.  She walked up an down the aisle.  She dumped candy on the people in front of us.  She talked.  I can't imagine Ladybug acting like that.  And if she did I would haul her out of the theater.  My sister promised her more candy if she sat still.  So she sat still -- for about 10 seconds.

Ladybug is independent.  K is incapable.  I know they are 2.5 years apart but ...  K is incapable of doing things that Ladybug did without question at her age.  K got wet playing outside and I asked her to change her pants.  So She laid down on the floor and stuck her feet up in the air.  Huh?  I asked what she was doing.  She said I told her to change her pants.  So I told her to take her pants off.  She didn't know how.  After I helped her with this I asked her to put her shoes on.  She didn't know how.  I had to give her a step by step lesson on how to put a sneaker on her foot.  Just getting her foot in the shoe.  As I watched later that day, I realized that my sister does all those types of things for her.  She does not undress or dress herself.  At all.

My sister was on the computer, I was cleaning up after dinner, and the girls were suppose to be watching TV in the living room.  K deciding to go digging for gold...in her nose.  Not too surprising, this cause a nose bleed.  Which K found to be amusing.  And ran around the house.  With my sister yelling from her computer for her to sit and deal with the bleeding nose.  And I tried not to interfere.  She is not my daughter.  My sister has the right to raise her child as she sees fit without my interference.

However, I do wish that either K or my sister would have told me that she was bleeding all over my cream colored carpet in the townhouse that I rent.  That would have been really nice.

Mean Mama

Could it be...

I have spent enough time complaining bitching talking about the sleep problems in our house.  She doesn't sleep.  Ever.  She must be in my bed.  All the time.  Oh, don't get me wrong... I love cuddle time.  But I want sleep.  And I am pretty sure I will not sleep well again until I have my bed back.

Maybe it is a good thing that I am single.

And this week I had another one of those Aha moments...

Ladybug has an Ikea bed.  I am not a fan of Ikea -- with either design or function.  Yes, I know I am the only person in American who feels that way. 

Last Thanksgiving I hosted.  During that holiday I gave up my bed to my dad and stepmom.  I slept in Ladybug's bed.  Ladybug camped out on my bedroom floor because she wanted to be near the grandparents. Awful!!!  I love my bed.  I wanted my bed.  I didn't sleep well -- well, worst than normal.  My back hurt.  I couldn't wait for the holidays to be over.  I wanted my bed.

This Thanksgiving I am hosting again.  This time with my mom.  This year I put my mom in Ladybug's bed and moved Ladybug into my bed with me.  And after just one night my mom is not enjoying Ladybug's bed. 

Yeah, that was the light bulb moment (did you miss it?).

Maybe... just maybe... Ladybug doesn't sleep in her bed because it is not comfortable!  Maybe she doesn't make it through a night because her bed is awful.  Yes, I said the IKEA bed is awful!  Maybe if she had a comfortable bed maybe she would actually sleep.  Maybe she would stay in her own bed.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Worth a try.

So on Sunday we went mattress shopping.  A single parent with an energetic and bored almost 7 year old in a practically empty mattress store.  In 2 mattress stores.  She managed to jump from one bed to the next all the way around the store.  Both stores. 

I did make her shoes off first.

And we ended up with a ridiculously expensive mattress.  I had no intention of spending that much.  But this is the only bed I will be buying her.  It comes with a 10 year warranty.  And the sales lady knocked off $50 because she was amused by Ladybug.

This might be my most expensive experiment yet.  Hope it works.

Mean Mama

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger

I have kept a brief journal of my exercise routine.  I have heard it takes 28 days to form a habit.  I am trying to make this a habit. 

Day #1: I started the exercise routine. I walked 1 mile in 28 minutes. I might have been able to crawl faster -- nope, I have bad knees. Guess I will just be happy that I made it a mile without dying.

Day #2:  I did a 25 minute mile (shaved off 3 minutes) from yesterday's time.  And then did 15 minutes on the elliptical -- kind of slow.  But 15 minutes is still 15 minutes. And Ladybug still bitched it was not enough time -- apparently she likes spending time in the game room.

Day #3: 33 minute mile... Why? Massive legs cramps. Walking and texting don't mix.  I spent the entire mile trying to text a friend while I walking.  I think I could have looked more graceful if I were drunk.  And the leg cramps are getting old.  Calves cramping -- both legs.  Lower back aching.  This is no fun.


Day #4: Tonight's workout included a 27 minute mile with only a minor leg cramp in my left calf and pain in my lower back -- that's what I get for carrying my weight around my belly.  And 20 minutes on the elliptical. Tomorrow I get to learn how to use all the machines in the gym -- at least that is what I hope I learn.

Day #5: Today kicked my butt -- I am going to opt to believe it was because it was a morning workout. I learned how to use the weights. Then I walked on the track. I did a 22 minute mile -- which led me to believe I lost count so I walked a few extra laps (15 laps equals 1 mile). Then I did 10 minutes on the machine that I have no idea what it is called. I will call it the elliptical, stepper torture machine. Just 10 minutes and I was sweating and panting.  If it is that hard, I am sure it is good for me.


Day #6:  In my world I rest on the 6th day.  Okay, I actually didn't even leave the house.  And if I were to be really honest, I didn't even get out of pajamas -- good thing it was a Sunday and not a work day.


Day #7: Short trip to the gym because of time crunch... I got out of work late and then Ladybug was having some behavioral issues.  I did weights for the entire body.. I lowered the expectation on my calves because apparently they still have no real muscle tone. 10 minutes on the torture machine. Then home to a delicious homecooked Ethiopian dinner - because the healthy eating started today.

Day #8:   Tonight I did a 26 minute mile on the track (which I felt good about until I watched The Biggest Loser tonight and saw that a 63 year old woman with 2 bad knees and weighed about the same as me could do a 26 mile).  Then 10 minutes on the torture machine (which is apparently called the ARC) before heading home to cook a fresh meal.

Day #9:  I completed weight training tonight. Then I decided to do 10 minutes on the ARC. But the AMT machine was available -- it is never available. So I decided to try it. You step and glide and peddle -- plus move your arms. There is no track so the machine responds to your body movements. So you must be coordinated to do this. Or you look like a fool. I looked like a fool and it kicked my butt. I made it 5 minutes before wanting to pass out. Then home for some pasta with some home made sauce. YUM.

Day #10:  OMG -- I think I am in love. But I am getting ahead of myself. Today was a cardio day. I started out with the plan to walk a mile and then get serious about cardio. So off to the track I went. And at lap 4 my calves were cramping - again. And I thought ... walking is the least effective exercise and, for me, the most painful. So after 5 laps -- 1/3 mile, I left the track. I can spend my time better.  I then did 20 minutes on the elliptical ... getting my heart rate to about 130. And then I promised that I would try the AMT machine again. I made it 5 minutes yesterday. Could I do 6 today? I walked to the cardio balcony and was disappointed to see that one of the 3 AMT machines was available. I think I actually groaned out loud. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to do it. But I got on. As I reached minute 2 I thought I was going to die. So I closed my eyes, concentrated on my breathing and tuned out everything (if I had an iPod then I could have also drowned out the peppy little aerobics instructor yelling out encouragement while telling people to do the impossible). And fell in love! I opened my eyes at just past the 6 minute mark. Feeling happy. Energized. And ready to keep going. But I knew I had hit the "runner's high" and I needed to stop even though I knew I could do more. Oh yeah, I am in love.  And I want back on that machine now.


Ten days down -- 18 days to go...


Mean Mama

chicken stir fry

I didn't take photos while I cooked (time crunch on a week night) so I will just provide the recipe.


1 tablespoon of  cornstarch
1 cup of chicken broth
1/2 tablespoon of soy sauce
1/2 pound of chicken breast (cut into bite size pieces)
lots and lots of veggies (I used red, orange and yellow peppers and snap peas)
pinch of ground ginger
pinch of garlic powder

Combine the first 3 ingredients.  Fry the chicken. Add the veggie and spices.  When cooked add the sauce and cook until the sauce thickens.  Serve over rice.

This is what it looked like...

It was "okay" but not great.  Well, Ladybug didn't even think it was okay.  I think next time I will cut the cornstarch in half (leaves a funky aftertaste), eliminate the ginger (I am beginning to realize that I have issues with ginger), and use some pineapple.  It is a fairly quick and healthy dinner and if I can tweak it to my liking that we will have it in the future a lot.

Mean Mama

Smile, be happy

Ladybug has a few long term friends.  There is H -- from her first day care.  They met when they were 2.  They hit it off immediately.  And it turned out that H's father's job took him to Ethiopia several times a year.  It was nice for Ladybug.  And I really liked her parents.  Then she has B -- from her third day care.  Quiet.  Shy.  And really liked Ladybug.  I question the parenting of mom (not that it is terrible, just different then what I want for Ladybug).  But I think B is the opposite of Ladybug and a good influence.  And then there is M -- the daughter of my best friend from college.  They love each other.  They hate each other.  Can't wait to see each other and within 2 minutes they are fighting.

Last year I thought she was off to a good start at making friends at school.  P and H and A and C and Z...  Great progress.  But this year she was separated from all -- yes ALL -- of her friends.  I was disappointed.  Because she de-invested (is that a word?).  She figures, why bother if she has to start over every year.  I harp on her to make friends all the time.  She is starting to remember the names of her classmates -- 3 months into the year. 

She is not a popular kid.  Neither was I.  I never cracked that code.  And now I don't care.  But I look back on my life growing up and I know what is in front of her.  And I want to be easier for her.  I don't want her to feel like an outsider.  If I ask who her friends are right now in school she will say nobody.  And that is so sad to me. 

So I decided to look at why.  And I think I know -- because life is so simple that I can figure this out in an evening.  She is negative.  This might be something she got from me.  I am naturally a pessimist.  I remember getting a paper back from my 9th grade teacher that had one note on it: "You are too young to be this pessimistic."  She throws dirty looks.  She crosses her arms and stops her feet.  She huffs.  She puffs.  She gets angry.  She is bossy.  She is unhappy. 

So we are working on being happy.  Because people want to be around other happy people.  They want friends that make them feel good.  And she is 6!  It is all down hill from here.  Be happy now.  Happy!  Smile.  Laugh.  Be nice.  See the good.  Let's see how a naturally pessimistic person can teach a child to be a happy person.

Mean Mama

my little artist

Ladybug likes her art teacher.  And it shows.

And they all hang proudly on my living room walls -- in time for the holidays and guests.

Mean Mama

spaghetti sauce

One of the first things I learned how to cook after college was spaghetti sauce.  It was a staple for a vegetarian.  I thought it would be a good addition to my freezer food.

When it comes to Italian food -- I don't believe in sticking to a recipe.  You can change things up.  So this is what I started with.

You may notice a few odd things and a few cheats.  First, it was right about at this time that I was sad that I did not have an olive oil in my kitchen.  How is it possible I have none?  Second you will notice that I cheat with 2 ingredients.  First, I bought sliced mushrooms.  I love mushrooms.  But I hate cutting them.  So I bought them pre-sliced.  Second, that jar in the front is pre-minced garlic.  Generally speaking I love garlic (except for the year following when a friend made me a garlic soup with 40 cloves of garlic to help me get over a cold).  What I hate is the smell of garlic on my hands.  It takes days to get rid of the smell.  So I buy jars of it.  Works the same.

The odd things are the lemon juice and honey.  In Italian food?  Absolutely.  They are my secret (she says on a blog) ingredients.  Tangy and sweet.

Keep in mind, I refuse to use a measuring spoon when cooking Italian.  Taste a lot.  Do what you like.  And experiment the next time.

Cook the onion and garlic while chopping up the rest of the veggies.

I like to use broccoli because it adds so much.  And it is one of Ladybug's favorite veggies.

I also use plum tomatoes.  I like the plum tomatoes because they are a meatier tomato.  But if I wanted to be lazy (which has been known to happen around here) I am not opposed to using canned diced tomatoes.  I also add the spices in at this point.

I then added the mushrooms and tomatoes to the onions and garlic.

I love mushrooms and tomatoes.  Should I be worried that Ladybug doesn't?

I also opted for peppers.

And add all veggies to the pot.

Time to add the sauce.  Do not use already prepared sauce.  Do not use ketchup.

How can anybody resist this?  It reminds me of a story my grandmother told me.  She was a good Irish Catholic girl growing up in upstate New York.  She met a nice Italian boy and had dinner at his house.  She went home raving about Italian food.  Her mother agreed to make spaghetti for her.  She cooked some noodles and poured a can of tomato soup over it.  This is not my grandmother's spaghetti sauce.

Pasta anyone?

And for those who love meat -- add ground beef or sausage.  I like it without.

Mean Mama

Changing eating habits

In one of previous posts I mentioned that we would be changing a few things in my life in order to make it better.  Today my body is aching from the exercise part of it.  And sometimes it is important to take a day off.  No exercise for me today.  But I do need to finish with all my preparations for the start.  Tomorrow I can start.

One of the things I said was that we would be eating dinner at the table every night.  This may seem basic to some--but not all as some people always eat in front of the TV.  The real problem is that this is what my kitchen table looked like when I wrote those words...

Not really a lot of room to eat.  It is suppose to seat 6 comfortably but I am pretty sure it wouldn't fit one in that condition.  I have been working on it this week.  Still not in photograph condition but it will be by the end of the day.

The other things that has changed dramatically since last weekend was my freezer. This required 2 things.  First, this is what my freezer looked like at the beginning of last weekend.

This is probably a fairly common American freezer.  But not exactly what I want in my freezer now.  So I had to first empty the freezer.  I had to eat what was in my freezer.  I had to get rid of the junk.  To make room for all the wonderful new food I was cooking for healthy options.

The second thing I had to do was cook...which from previous posts you can see that I have been doing that.  And today, this is what my freezer looks like.

Much better!

Chili, spaghetti sauce (cooking blog coming soon), and 4 Ethiopian dishes.  I also bought things for an easy chicken stir fry that won't require freezing.  I will be making cornbread muffins tonight.  But I need more recipes because I plan on keeping the freezer stocked.  Please leave me your favorite "picky eater" freezable recipes so I can keep this up. 

Let the healthy eating begin!  I promised Ladybug Ethiopian tomorrow.

Mean Mama

Stop the human trafficking

Human trafficking a serious topic.  It should never happen.  Potential adoptive families can do things to protect against this.  When PAPs make specific demands on their requests for children they potentially contribute to the issue of unethical adoptions and human trafficking.  It is easy to say that "I want..." and think how can one person influence the world of adoption so much.  But when all the PAPs do that, they can.  Supply and demand. 

Most adoptive families want young children.  And by young I mean under 12 months.  I remember reading a blog some time ago where a woman was waiting for her child (international adoption).  The child was under 12 months at the time of referral but because of complications the child was now over 12 months and she was now questioning whether she wanted to bring this child home. 

Most adoptive families want girls.  I have never heard a reason why most want it.  I wanted a girl.  I asked for a girl.  That was before I understood.  People will wait for an infant girl to be born.  Wait and leave other children waiting for families.  Supply and demand.  When you adopt internationally and say you are looking for a girl under 12 months old, some agencies will go "shopping" for you.  That is when we run the risk of contributing to human trafficking.

But this week I stumbled on to a facebook page.  A friend posted on it.  So I visited it.  It was obviously someone from Ethiopia.  It was obviously someone who had strong feelings.  It was obviously somebody who does not believe in international adoption.  Essentially they accused Americas of buying Ethiopian children.  As a mom who has already faced similar type questions from my daughter, it got my hackles up.  This person went further.  This person (and I did not dig deep enough to discover if it was a man or a woman) had taken photos they had found on other facebook pages of happy families with children adopted from Ethiopia and published them on their page.  Branding them as human traffickers. 

I wanted to post on the page -- but I knew it would fall on deaf ears.  I did not buy my child.  I paid an agency and attorney to facilitate the process.  Just as a pregnant woman pays a doctor to facilitate the gestation and birthing process.  I did not steal someone's child.  She was relinquished (by a terminally ill parent).  She was in an orphanage by the time she was referred to me.  Me or an orphanage -- which is better.  My first question when I got her information was, "Is there nobody in her family who can care for her?" 

Every child deserves the right to stay in their biological family.  Every child deserves the right to stay in their original country and culture.  Sometimes life interferes with those things.  Sometimes a child needs a new family.  Sometimes that family will mean a new country and/or culture.  Just make sure you are not the reason that a child needs this.  Pick a child that needs you.  Not a child you need.

Mean Mama

Doro Alicha

The dish that everyone who eats Ethiopian food will know is Doro Wat -- spiced chicken.  But I am a wimp - way too spicy for me.  So today I give Doro Alicha.

You start with these ingredients:

Ignore the anaheim pepper.  I did not use it for this recipe.  I used it in something else.

Start out by soaking the chicken in lime water.  Sounds gross but it works.  I have issues with raw chicken.  I soaked for 24 hours. The recipe calls for using a whole chicken that you cut up.  I used breast only and cut into bite size pieces.

When you are ready to start cooking -- onions again.

And then add the butter.

And the spices.

Then add the chicken.  Which I apparently did not photograph.  The recipe then call for adding water and simmering it down.  I always the water.  And I always regret it.  Maybe a little is good but I always add too much. 

And this is what I ended up with to put in my freezer.

If you want to turn it into a Wat dish -- add berbere.  The recipe calls for 1 cup -- I am a wimp and would do about 1/4 cup.  Also add Bishops weed and cardamom.  The recipe also calls for hard boiled eggs but they don't freeze well so I didn't add them.

And now that I am done cooking Ethiopian food the house smells like Ethiopian food all the time.  I love the smell -- but after 6 days I am getting sick of it (and so is Ladybug).

Mean Mama