Stress

I hear that a little stress is good for you.  Stress is what makes us do things.  Not all stress is negative.

But my stress level today was close to  -- paralyzing.  At the very least it had reached the "unhealthy" level.

I woke up knowing that I needed to get a grip on my finances.  I have started this process.  And it has only led to more stress.  Because I am now more in tune with my finances.  This week I have kept a close eye on it.  So now I am acutely aware that I have NO money.  But I needed to jump online today and see exactly what my balance is.  I sat here.  I had the computer on my lap.  But I could not bring myself to pull up the website.  The longer I sat here the faster my heart beat.  My breath became shallow.  My palms started to sweat.  This is not a blind date!  I could never handle a blind date.  Way too stressful.  So eventually I got online because my chest felt terrible.

Pulling up the website did not help the heart rate or the breathing.  My balance?  $211.  That is not good.  I get paid once a month.  On the last day of the month.  And most of bills have not been paid yet this month.  What was I going to do?

I took a shower.  And while there I thought.  Sometimes my best thinking is in the shower.  It use to be when I ran but I don't run anymore.  And I decided that I need to cash in a few bonds.  I only have a few left (unless I count the ones for Ladybug).  I am hesitant to use them.  But I need to pay bills.  I need to stop using next months money to pay this month.  I need to buy groceries.  And I won't even tell you how much I need to spend in therapy this month.  Once out of the shower I get back online and determine which bonds are getting cashed.  Problem solved.  Hopefully.

Then I go grocery shopping.  I decide that I need to buy the food on my credit card.  Because I have $211.  We go through the store buying food.  I am trying to shave off money from my normal bill.  But Ladybug is home for spring break this week.  All meals are mine.  So I buy cheap this week.  So that means no fresh produce.  No fresh meats.  I am pretty sure all I bought is junk.  And I am sure that will do wonders for my stress level.  The groceries get rung up and I have spent nearly $40 less then week then I normally do.  That is a good savings.  But I am not looking forward to the meals.  And then I swipe the credit card and hold my breath.  My credit card company has started shutting off accounts if you are one day late paying.  I know I paid it.  I know the check cleared my account.  But I am still nervous.  Approved!  But it takes a while for my breathing and heart rate to return to normal.

When I got home I put away my groceries.  And threw the laundry in.  Ladybug swears she did not pee the bed.  And it is not wet.  Or discolored.  But it smells like pee.  So I decided to not only do all my regular Sunday laundry (I typically do it all in one day) but also her linens.  First load done and I throw it in the dryer.  I turn it on.  And it doesn't sound right.  Upon further inspection I discover that the dryer is turning on but it is not really functioning.  The drum is not rotating.  It is getting hot.  But I worry about it getting hot with the drum not rotating.  So now I need a new dryer.  Or new to me dryer.  Or get it repaired.  Off to craigslist.  And need to find a local laundromat.  I am almost out of clean underwear.  And definitely out of the ones that are comfortable to wear.  I drape the linens around my kitchen.

Then it is hair time.  She whines.  And yells.  And screams.  And asks if it is almost done -- after 5 seconds.  But I plod along.  Just get it done.  Anything.  I am 2/3 of the way done when I realize that I just don't like it.  It just doesn't look pretty.  And I am sure it won't last long.  But she is at her limit.  And I am not doing well.  If she goes off, I will lose it.  My tolerance is very low.  So I stop.  Maybe I will like it more tomorrow.  Maybe I will finish it tomorrow.

Tomorrow -- first day of spring break -- the chores include:

1. Finish her hair
2. Go to doctor for blood lab work
3. Go to bank to at least temporarily resolve the financial issues
4. Therapy (the stress of introducing Ladybug and paying for it)
5. Call someone to fix the dryer
6. Do laundry (one way or another)
7. Clean house (so I am not embarrassed to have someone come into my house to fix the dryer)

Sorry, Ladybug.  Not a very fun first day of spring break.

Mean Mama