fund raiser

I need to find some motivation. I thought I had the other day. But it was fleeting. I want brownies. Brownies slathered in peanut butter. Yum. And I am pretty sure that it is not on my diet. But I want it. I haven't had it but I might dream about it tonight. I am pretty sure I will dream about it tonight.

I started my diet again at the beginning of August and I have lost a total of ... drum roll please ... 7 pounds. 7! That's it. Pathetic. I know I can do better. I have done better. But I need to find the motivation. So I wanted to put a challenge out to people. This is a challenge for me. And for you.

Here is the idea -- which still needs some thought to it.

I will donate $1 for every pound that I lose between October 1, 2010 to June 29, 2011. October 1st gives me time to formulate the plan in detail. June 29th is the anniversary of my referral call. I want to have other people pledge to donate $1 for every pound I lose to the charity of my choice -- or your choice. It's not much. Really. I have 121 pounds to lose. I can't do that by June 29th. But the maximum anybody would have to donate is $121. That is the max. That is not a lot for any one person. And you have 9 months to save the money. But if I can get a lot of people to pledge then that is a lot of money that I can help raise for a cause. And if I find a cause I want to support then I will feel motivated to stick with the diet. And I don't money to come to me with the promise that I will send it on. I want you to give the money directly to the charity. Write a check on June 30th and in the memo write my blog address.

Crazy? No, really! Tell me. Is this a crazy idea? Will anybody pledge? Yes, I am asking for comments (really!). And if this is a good idea, any ideas for a charity? Some of my passions include:

1. Adoption - international or foster care (since both are in my family)
2. Ethiopia - I love this country and it needs so much assistance
3. Domestic Violence

Send me your best choices in charity (another begging moment for comments) and I will try to decide which one.

I promise not to lie about my weight. I will post more headless photos of my journey - Ladybug will love to play photographer again - so you can see the progress (hopefully) of my body shrinking. And I promise to take a photo of my scale with me standing on it showing my weight on October 1, 2010 and June 29, 2011. And I promise to keep you updated through this blog on a regular basis.

Tell me you will help me succeed. Succeed in raising money. Succeed in getting healthy. Succeed in helping a good cause. Any takers?

Oh geez, once I hit publish I guess I am committed to doing this. Here it goes...

Mean Mama

Hungry

I have found motivation today for my diet. I was looking through halloween costumes and realized that I need to loose weight or plan on being a cow. So I was hungry today. I just reminded myself it was for a good cause.

But that is not the issue. I picked up Ladybug after school today and the first thing she said to me was that she was hungry. Then she told me that she couldn't wait to get home to eat. And then I found out she had some issues at school. So I began to wonder what I might find in her lunch and snack bags. Here was the food plan for her for the day.

Breakfast:
cereal (gluten free)
milk

Lunch:
sandwich with ham, cheese and lettuce (all of which she likes)
3 carrots
watermelon
brownie
juice

Snack:
kool-aid
apple
dried fruit

She refused her breakfast after I made it. I struggled with this all last week and vowed not to do it this week. So I said nothing. She ate nothing.

What she came home with...

Lunch bag:
lettuce, ham, and cheese
3 carrots
juice

Snack bag:
apple
dried fruit

This means she ate:
bread
brownie
watermelon
kool-aid

No wonder she was hungry! So I told her the food would be different tomorrow.

Lunch:
salad - with ham and cheese
carrots
crackers
watermelon
milk

Snack:
juice
apple
dried fruit

If all she is going to eat is the junk then I will eliminate the junk. She needs to eat something with a little nutritional value to it.

And I hope the behavior issues improve with the healthy food intake.

Fingers crossed,
Mean Mama

Being presentable

I am allowed to leave the house today. I am a looks conscious person. Everyone I know would agree to that statement. But I was extra lazy yesterday. Here is the list of things I have done today that I did not do yesterday.

shower
shave
get dressed
use deodorant
brush teeth
floss
pluck eyebrows
brush hair
put hair in a style
put on jewelry

All the basics that should be done prior to being allowed to leave the house.

Off to do chores. Yes, all that just to do chores.

Mean Mama

Hair hair hair

I finally finished the hair style. Every time I do micro braids I remind myself not to do them again. But I am a slow learner. With this hack job of a haircut I decided that it was my only option. We started hair last Saturday. We skipped braiding on Tuesday because of the open house. We skipped braiding on Wednesday because of bad behavior. But otherwise we did hair every day. Seven days of braiding. She is sick of it. I am sick of it. The hope is that it last for about 4-6 weeks. No hair for 4-6 weeks! Please.

Here is the end result. 143 braids.





Looking forward to taking them all out some day.

Mean Mama

When I became a mom

I recently had to turn in my annual report for Ladybug. Because it is an international adoption, I am required to do a quick update every year until she is 18. When I was doing the research for my adoption I thought this was a ridiculous requirement. I thought once she is mine, she is mine. Why do I need to report back every year? But now that Ladybug has been home for 4 years I like doing my annual report. I understand that the country wants to know that the children they have released are healthy and happy. As part of the annual report I submit photos. I think this year I did about 12 photos -- over kill. But it means that I looked through tons of photos. And I ran across a photo that represents the moment I became a mom.

I remember through my process of adoption I thought at each step, "I have become a mom." And then the next step would let me know that I was a mom at that moment. When I turned in my application I was sure that meant I was a mom. A mom with no child yet. But a mom. And then when I had my first home study I realized that the application was nothing and this was the moment I became a mom. It continued that way. When I got my USCIS approval I knew the the home study was just a step in the process and that this was my first mommy moment. But soon after I turned in my entire dossier to my agency and I was sure that this made a mom.

And then came the referral phone call. I was so relieved. I had waited years since my decision to become a mom and this was truly my mommy moment. Court was anti-climatic but it made it official. She was mine. I was listed as mother on someone's birth certificate. I was a mom. But still childless since it would be another 5 weeks before I would even meet my little girl. And then there was the first meeting of my child.

But it was a completely different and unexpected moment that I really became a mom. I arrived in Ethiopia on a Monday and met Ladybug briefly on that day. On Tuesday I got to spend the day with her. She tried to run away from me (this is her favorite story for me to repeat when she is being silly). I fed her. Changed her. Played with her. She did not crack a smile once. I spent all day on Wednesday with her. She loosened up but still wasn't sure. On Thursday was embassy day. And I saw her first smile. She wasn't smiling at me but she still smiled. She was playing at the embassy with some other kids and she smiled. Each night I would return her to the orphanage.

On Friday I went to the orphanage to pick her up and she seemed different. She wouldn't come to me. She was stiff in my arms. We were taking a step backwards. And then she needed her diaper changed so I put her down to change it and she freaked out. She screamed. She kicked. She thrashed. I worked with it but eventually got her into her diaper. And when I was done changing it she continued. She screamed. She cried. I held her and she would wrench her body away from mine and push away from me. I put her down and she would scream louder and keep her hand on me. I couldn't hold her because she didn't want to be near me. But I couldn't put her down because she didn't want to be away from me. She screamed and cried and pushed and hit and thrashed for just over 45 minutes. I was clear that she was mad but I didn't know what to do for her.

After 45 minutes she crawled up on my lap, put her head down on my breasts, and fell asleep. It was about that time that the nanny came in and told me it was her lunch time and she needed to eat. I told her to go away. She slept for about 1 hour on me. When she woke up she was sad. There was this look on her face of just pure sadness. She was quiet. And thoughtful. And I picked up my camera and snapped a photo. That photo is the moment I became a mom. I became a mom in that moment because she decided that I was mom. She was teaching me a lesson. Between the age difference and the language difference and culture difference she was clearly telling me that I was mom and it was time for me to act like it.

So I will break my rule and post this photo here. This is the moment that I became a mom.



Mean Mama

So sad

I logged on to my computer today and looked for my little brown eyed gem I have been dreaming about for 2 nights. She has been removed from the waiting child list. And that makes me sad. I was wrong. She was not meant to be mine.

And then I remember that I should be happy. She has been removed from the waiting child list. She is no longer a child searching for a family. She is a child with a family. In a few short arms she will have her parent(s) in her arms and she will be a happy little girl. She will not be sad. She will be happy. And she will never know that another family wanted her too. She will know that she has found the family she has always wanted.

After all, it is about finding families for the children. Not finding children for the families.

Mean Mama

still waiting

I am still waiting for the call about the second interview. Has it really only been a week? I know I will get a second interview. But no idea when.

I got a call from my mom tonight. A couple of weeks ago she decided that she needed to look for a new job. Her boss is a jerk -- to put it politely. Her hours are 7am to 3pm but she never gets out of work until about 7pm. And since she is salaried she gets no overtime. And when she needed to take an hour off to register her car they made her take vacation time. They get 4 extra hours from her each day and yet she needs to take vacation time to deal with a personal issue. No wonder they have a hard time holding on to employees.

So since I am searching for a job for me still I just started looking for possibilities for her, too. If I find something, I send a link to her. And I found a couple. She has a career that has more positions available in this particular area of the country. And she applied for one last week. Tomorrow she has an interview. Tomorrow! I hope she gets it. And I hope it is better then her current place. But I am a little jealous that she has the ability to get 2 jobs and I still don't have my first one.

Fingers crossed that she knocks them dead tomorrow -- not literally.

Mean Mama

Love

I fell in love today. After all of Ladybug's efforts to find me a husband (or more accurately a daddy for her), I fell in love without her help.

I fell in love with a profile on the computer. I have tried online dating before. Well... not really. I signed up. And I looked at profiles. But I never did anything with it. And tonight I saw a profile online and I know. I know I am meant to be with this person. I know it. Have you ever had that feeling?

When I adopted Ladybug I did a ton of research about where to adopt from. I could not make up my mind. And then my cousin suggested Ethiopia and I knew instantly. Instantly. I didn't need to research. I didn't need to think about it. I knew my child was in Ethiopia. And I was right.

And tonight I stared into these deep brown eyes on the computer and I knew. Again. That I am suppose to be the mom of this little girl. She is cute. And the right age (just older than Ladybug). And she speaks to me. I am in love.

But can I do it? Can I adopt again? Can I come up with the money? And get through the process?

Am I crazy?

Mean Mama

Open House

Note to self: Not necessary to attend each year.

I think that is the wrong thing to say. But I also think it is true.

The school sent an email asking that all parents attend. And leave the kids at home. Yeah. Not possible for me. So I didn't plan on attending. And I felt guilty about it. I should attend. I should be involved.

But then Ladybug came home from school telling me the teacher said all parents must attend. And I began to think maybe there was something I didn't know. I mean, she is in kindergarten -- what do I know. So I went. With Ladybug in tow. And almost all the other parents brought a child (or 2) as well.

The PTA spoke. Now, don't get me wrong. I think the PTA is a wonderful thing. But I am not getting involved. I don't fit in with this group. I moved to an upper middle class kind of town for the good schools. I am the poor, white trash, person in town. I do not fit in with this wonderfully coiffed group of people who wore nice slacks, high heels, and pearl necklaces to the Open House. Some mornings I don't even brush my hair -- and some of those days are a work day.

Then the principal spoke. I loved his accent. But I am not sure what he said. Then they introduced all the teachers. All. Teachers, assistants, student teachers...all. I don't need to know it. And I don't remember them.

After all that we were invited to visit the teachers in their classrooms. Ladybug's teacher had a whole presentation planned. So we sat and listened. She was very good. But I could have (and would have) read it all in the folder she handed out. I think all of what she said was in the folder.

Then Ladybug took me to the music room. And announced she would like to learn the drums. No real surprise. But if that wasn't allowed (and currently it is not) she would like the piano. Drums are looking more and more like a possibility. And then we went to the art room. Where I found out that my sweet, precious, wonderful little girl has been pushing the limits. Requiring lots of redirection, instruction, and attention. Until yesterday. Yesterday she became a different child. She not only followed all the rules, she went above and beyond the call of duty. She took initiative and helped without being asked. I LIKE THAT!

So, if I move (when I move?) and I live in a small rural town, I will get involved in PTA. But if I am here again next year, I will not be going to open house. I missed an evening of braiding. And I have lots of braiding to do with this style.

Mean Mama

half a dozen

Day 1 of a 6 day week is done.

Yesterday:
Worked 9-5 (with child in tow -- movies and portable DVD player are a wonderful thing)
grocery shopping
laundry (not yet folded)
dishes (not yet put away)
some hair (more to do still)

On the agenda for today:
Work 9-5 (don't kill the "blow sunshine up your ass" co-worker while the other one is on vacation)
cook a real dinner (nothing prepackaged)
make lunches for tomorrow
more hair (still won't finish - tiny braids - will post pic when it is complete)
fold laundry
put clean dishes away
pay bills
figure out what is on the agenda for Tuesday

If I am to survive this week I must go to bed earlier. I must get sleep. So I can play nice.

Mean Mama