Not even sure what to call this.

Apparently February is attachment month.

We came home from our weekend at my parent's on Monday night in time for Ladybug to get into a shower and crawl in bed.  I unpacked and did a few chores while she was in the shower.  After a few minutes I heard a thud and went into the bathroom.

I pulled back the shower curtain and I found her in the fetal position in the tub with the shower still running.  And she was sobbing.  Not the fake "I want attention" type sobbing.  But the "I can't control my breathing" type sobbing.

Me: Honey, what is wrong?  Are you hurt?  What happened?
Ladybug:  I... don't... want... to die!
Me:  What? (What did I miss?)
Ladybug: I don't want to die.
Me: You are not dying.  Honey, what is this about?
Ladybug:  But I don't ever want to die.  I don't want to die now and I don't want to die what I am old.
Me: (Shit!  What is the right thing to say here?  Where is that damn manual for raising children?)  Honey, you are not dying.  You have a long life ahead of you.  You are going to go to college, and have a wonderful job, and fall in love, and have babies.  You do not need to worry about dying.


Now I am worried if she doesn't do all those things.  Did I just promise those things to her?  Will I have lied if they don't come true?

Mean Mama

The more things change...

So Ladybug has been fabulous in school.  One of the support teachers came to my office the other day -- for a meeting about a client -- and let me know how impressed everybody is with her complete turn around.  Not one bad day.

But when I picked her up today at the after school program, the worker let me know that she was all attitude today.  She seemed fine by the time I got there.

But then I made a mistake.

I took her to her skating lesson tonight.  But I forgot to wear a sweater.  I wore a jacket but I was too cold still.  I just was not in the mood to be cold.  I am so over winter.  So instead of sitting on the freezing cold bleachers, I went into the cafe and watched from a warm room with a window.  Worked for me.

After skating I was helping her take her skates off when a little approached me and asked if I was Ladybug's mom.  Great!  Another conversation about how a white mama has a black daughter.  But I kept a smile on my face and answered nicely that yes I was.  At which point she announced to me that Ladybug had been mean to her during the lessons.  Her mother was mortified and dragged her off -- and made her apologize a few minutes later for telling on Ladybug.

I tried having a conversation with Ladybug about it.  She cried.  I tried to point it wasn't about the girl telling on her but about her being mean.  She cried.  I tried to ask why she had done it.  She cried.  I tried to come up with a behavioral plan that could help.  She cried.

And then a light went on in my head. 

We were driving home when it hit me. 

Me: Are you being mean because you were scared?
Ladybug: NO!
Me: You were afraid or scared?
Ladybug: Of what?
Me: Because you couldn't see me while you were at your lesson.
Ladybug: Maybe.
Me: Were you scared that I had left?
Ladybug: Yea.
Me: And that I wasn't ever coming back for you?
Ladybug: Yep.
Me: So you thought because your couldn't see me that I was gone forever?
Ladybug: Yes.
Me: If I were to leave, I would always come back for you.  I would never leave you.  I will always be your mother.
Ladybug: But you haven't always been my mother.
Me: True.  But since the day you came home with me I have been your mother.  And from that day forever forward, I will always be your mother.  Can you trust that?
Ladybug: I don't know.

Yep.  There it is.  Attachment.

Mean Mama

I need help

Really!

I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  I know a million or so other females say that.  Okay, not my entire life.  I was 6 pounds 8 ounces at birth.  That's not bad.  But it went down hill from there.

I need to change it. 

It was under control all through high school.  With a lot of work.  From me.  From my parents. 

It was under control when I was a runner.  With a lot of work.  I ran an average of 30 miles a week and I managed to stay around the 150 mark.

I would kill to be around the 150 mark again.

I am no where near that at this point.  I think it is a large part of my depression at this point.

But I have no inner motivation to get it done.  I need someone else to do it for me.  Apparently.

Help me!

Mean Mama

A better year ... 1st update

I know I am a little delayed in January's update.  It has been a rough week -- and it is only Tuesday.  So here it is ... late.

Happier: 
I don't know.  I mean, I know... but I don't.  Ladybug is happier.  Meds are working.  Report was fantastic.  I am no longer on speed dial at the school.  Things are good.  She is doing so much better.  But... I am not happy.  I should be.  But I am not.  I might need Prozac.  I really need to figure out how I plan to measure this.

Healthier:
1. I lost 2.6 pounds.  Not great but still in the right direction.  Ladybug lost a pound... and with the meds she has also lost her appetite.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications.  She is now on Guanfacine and Iron and Vitamin C.  It is going well so far.  I am less consistent about taking mine.  I am taking potassium, multi-vitamin, glucosamine and chondroitin, pepcid, ibuprofin, and should be luvoxyl.  I have all but the luvoxyl.  I just forget to take them sometimes.  I need to be better.
3. Absolutely no regular exercise.  Random.  Not enough.  Poor quality.
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.  Mostly only have water and tea.  Just not enough of the water.
5.  Eat more whole foods and less processed foods.  But I really need to do better.  If I could crock more I think it would be better.  And if I could get Ladybug on board.
6.  Go to the doctors.  Ladybug had first appointment for her sleep study.  We are waiting for insurance approval before we can proceed.  She saw her ped regarding med update.  She went to eye doctor and got glasses.  I saw none.
7.  I think I got really good sleep most nights.  Not all.  But typically I was in bed by 9 or 10 pm.  That is pretty good.
8.  Floss regularly...  I definitely could improve with this.  I am flossing maybe 3-4 times a week.  Not great considering I should be doing it 2 times a day.  But I have managed to get Ladybug to do it a few times a week also.

Wealthier:
Complete success here.  I set up a savings account for me.  I have deposited $200 into it -- which is just slightly above where I should be at week 19.  Ahead of the game!  I also opened 2 accounts for Ladybug.  The first one is a CD in which I deposited $100.  The second is a regular savings account and I deposited $85.  That makes a total of $185, which is great since I was only suppose to save $137.80 for the entire year.  So anything I deposit from here on in is paying back the money I took from her when we moved.  Way ahead of the game!

Wiser:
One of the things that I struggle with, and really shouldn't, is paying bills on time.  I mean, how simple would it be to get a bill and pay it?  Sounds simple enough.  But I don't.  No reason.  No excuse.  Just doesn't happen.  And I don't have anybody to back me up and make sure it gets done.  So I decided that I needed to create a system so that I stay on top of my finances.  So I bought a binder and pocket folders to go in it.  I set up a folder for each bill and put a due date on it.  I then stole budget sheet from a friend and created a way to track my monthly financial obligations.  I neglected to pay 2 bills in January on time.  All others were paid.  Hoping this continue through the year.

Mean Mama

Wiser

My monthly new year's resolutions are getting more and more vague with each definition.

How can I measure being wiser?  I don't know.  So maybe just figuring that out will count?

So maybe I make it simple?

Each month I need to learn something new.  I need to do a little research.  Expand my horizons.  And share it here.

I wonder what will count?

Stay turned... first update is in just a few days.  It will be a surprise to all of us.

Mean Mama

Upping the dose

Bout 2 weeks ago I got a call from the school.  It had not been long enough since I had stopped receiving phone calls from the school that it sent panic through me.  And my panic was warranted.  It wasn't anything really bad but someone from student support wanted me to know that Ladybug was having a rough day.

Oh crap!

I knew we were at the beginning of a downward spiral.  For the most part she was holding it together.  At school.  But home was getting rough.  Attitude!  Angry.  Defiant. 

But I already had a med check-up scheduled so I just held my breath and hoped we made it to the check-up before one of us had a melt down.  It was going to be close.

Monday we had the med check-up.  I had already decided I was going to ask for an increase in her dose.  The med worked for a couple of weeks.  Maybe now her body had just gotten use to it and was no longer at a therapeutic level?  Hopefully.

He was not convinced.  He stated the med does not alter her mood.  Says who?  Either way, I was not backing down.  I want those meds!  He allowed me to increase her meds. 

And 48 hours later my sweet, loving, nice girl is back.  I increase it a little more tomorrow.  She is going from .5 mg twice a day to 1 mg twice a day.  It is not a ton.  But hoping it is enough.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Mean Mama

Healthier

Back to the new year's resolution...

Determining the "healthier" part of this is hard then the "wealthier" part. I also don't want to determine healthy as just weight loss.  So after some thought I have decided to create a list of things that could mean I am doing things in a healthier way.

1. Weight loss for me and no weight gain for Ladybug.
2.  Taking all required medications and supplements.  Her list is small... my list is currently a little ridiculous.
3.  Getting some regular exercise.
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.
5.  Eat more whole foods and less processed foods.
6.  Go to the doctors.  Ladybug still needs to do her sleep study and go to a dentist.  I need a general doctor, dentist, and eye doctor.
7.  Get sufficient sleep.
8.  Floss regularly.

I guess that about covers it.  If I can do these things then I think we are on our way to healthier lives.

Mean Mama

Ready...Set...Launch

I finally did it.  I finally bought my own Planetbox.

I love this thing.  This morning I packed my first lunch in it.

Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, baby carrots with ranch dressing, and grapes.

With the lids on the dipper and glass dish so nothing spills.

Closed up and with pretty magnets.

In the carry bag ready to go.

This is the coolest lunch bag ever.  Even one of my co-worker said he had "lunchbox envy" after seeing this.

Mean Mama

Wealthier

If you remember back just a few posts you will know that I have a new year's resolution.  And I need to figure out how I am going to measure those 4 categories.  I have figured out the "wealthier" category already. 

Someone posted this on their facebook page and I immediately thought it would be interesting to try this.



It looks simple enough.  Well, the weeks later in the year will be difficult but it is worth a try.  And I might actually try to put in more at the beginning of the year so that later in the year will be easier.  Wouldn't it be great to have that in a savings account at the end of the year??

I have also decided to do this for Ladybug -- in a modified version.  Instead of starting at $1, I am starting with $.10 for her.  So at the end of the year I should have $137.80 saved up for her.  But on top of that I am going to attempt to pay back all the money I took from her savings account when we moved last year.  She had just over $500 in her account at that time.  Plus she will have $100 from my grandfather for her birthday last year and by the end of the year another $100 from him (if he is still alive by the end of the year).  So with any luck she should have about $850 in her savings account by the end of the year.

If I can lower my debt or at least not add to it and save all of that then by the end of the year I will definitely be wealthier in a measurable way.

Mean Mama

I can feel it

It is creeping in.  It keeps coming.  I can see the signs.  I can feel it getting closer and closer.  And yet I feel incapable to stop it.

What is looming?  What is coming?  What seems inevitable?

Depression.

I have been denying it.  I mean I moved 9 months ago.  I have a job.  I have money.  I am getting things done.  I am making friends.  I am seeing family. 

But the darkness is taking over.  The desire to not move has descended.  The shrug and turning my back on what needs to be done has started.  The avoidance is rampant -- in case you haven't noticed that I am pretty much not blogging.

There are options...

I could get into counseling... oh wait, I already am in counseling.
I could get more sleep... but I already am.  Maybe I am getting too much?
I could get organized.  Trying.
I could eat better.  Trying.
I could drink... now that is something I haven't tried yet.

Please make the depression go away.  It is not welcomed here.  We are not friends.  It is not an obstacle I have any desire to deal with again.

Mean Mama