Ladybug's obsession with the TV is getting out of control. 

She loves TV.  Even when she is not watching it she wants it on.

So tonight we were running late getting home (2.5 hour commute, dinner out, and grocery shopping).  I told her that when she got inside it was straight into the shower and then bed. 

I put the groceries down and walked into the living room.  She was on the stairs heading up to take a shower.

The living room TV was on.

WHY?

I turned it off.

I went upstairs.

My bedroom TV was on.

WHY???

I like TV.  I get it.  But this seems a little extreme.

Mean Mama

Update 4

Happier:
I am.  Only in the last 4-5 days of the month.  But I feel the grey lifting.  I feel like I can breathe.  I feel a whole lot hopeless.  I think I am on an upswing.

Healthier:
1. I don't even remember what my beginning weight was this month so it is hard to say I was successful at this.  However, I will say I am 3 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight of the month.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications.  They continue to be ineffective.  But she is taking them.  I am trying to be consistent about taking mine this month.  And now that I am on a prescribed medication I have managed to take it every day.
3.  Did I say I have a mini stepper?  I deny it now.  Or at least I have not used it this month.  And I basically did nothing else.
4.  I am drinking a ton of water.  I have also been drinking a ton of milk.  I don't know why.  I don't even like milk.  But I am craving it. 
5.  Doing so much better at eating whole foods.  Keeping lunches simple for both me and Ladybug.  Juicing in the mornings.  Dinner has been a bit of a struggle.  I am seriously considering the option of becoming a vegetarian again so I am trying to eat all the meat dishes I have frozen in my freezer and then giving it a shot.
6.  We had a ridiculous number of medical/mental health appointments in April.  We had 3 therapy appointments (and I am beginning to waonder if we have the right therapist), Ladybug had a dentist appointment (turns out she has strong teeth -- but will still need a little work), Ladybug did a sleep study (she managed to stay in her bed all night without me -- waiting for the results still), Ladybug had an intake appointment with a child psychiatrist (appointment with the psychiatrist won't be until July!), I had a physical with a general practitioner (already wrote about this), I had a bunch of blood work (thyroid, complete blood count, anemia, and blood sugar), and I had an appointment with an OB/GYN (pap smear and a biopsy of the uterus).  9!
I thought if I could get through these appointments in April things would be easier for May.  Turns out that all those appointments have led to referrals so now we have a lot of appointments in May, too.  I currently have 6 appointments scheduled in May -- mostly for me.  I know I will have at least 1 more because I am trying to find a time that works.  I also know that since there is only 1 therapy appointment scheduled, it is safe to say there will be more appointments in May.
7.  I sucked at going to bed on time.  Most nights it was 11 or later.  That is too late.  These last 4-5 days of the month I was better about it.  I went to bed closer to 10pm.
8.  No flossing.  For me.  Ladybug has started to do it once in a while.  I need to take her lead on this.

Wealthier:
Partial success.  I deposited $20 into Ladybug's account.  This is good.  I redeposited the money I had to take out of my account in March.  I also deposited another $50.  It helps that I got my tax returns this month.  Back on track but it will only get harder.

Wiser:
I learner -- or relearned -- the importance of taking my prescribed medication.  It is just a thyroid medication but without it I can not be healthy.  I can not lose weight, I can not sleep, I become depressed, I am exhausted.  Note to self:  TAKE YOUR MEDICATION!

I think by the end of the month I feel like I am heading in the right direction.

Mean Mama

Visiting the doctor

One of my goals this year is to get all caught up with medical appointments for both Ladybug and I.  Turns out this is going to be a big chore.  I finally made an appointment for myself to see a doctor this month.  I was putting  it off because I was having a hard time finding a primary care physician for myself.  But I finally bit the bullet and picked one.  There weren't really too many options in such a small town.

Good news:  I think I am really going to like her.  She asked a ton of questions.  Listened.  Was completely non-judgmental. 

Bad news:  I am apparently a wreck.

I saw a commercial a few months ago which basically said that Americans will ask questions about everything except for their own health.  So I made a long list of things that I was concerned about.  And I brought them all up with her. 

So walked in feeling like a typical overweight 40 something year old female.  Well, depressed and exhausted, but basically normal.  I came out with a million and one referrals. Okay, I exaggerate... a little.

Number 1 concern was my thyroid.  It is under active but since moving here I have also been unmedicated for at least 6 months.  She was willing to write me a prescription ... after I have the blood test.  So she gave me a referral for lab work.

Number 2 concern was my weight.  My weight problems are partially related to my thyroid problems.  It is not completely the fault but none of the work I do toward losing weight will work unless I have a functioning thyroid.  Once that is under control, I am going to be doing a ton of work on my weight.  So she gave me a referral for the nutritionist.  And a lot of local resources for weight loss groups and exercise options.  She also added some lab work for blood sugar levels.

Number 3 concern was my foot.  I have a pain in my right heel.  Plantar Fasciitis.  I only know this because I had it in my left foot about 15-20 years ago.  It is a pain I will never forget.  It is so painful in the morning that the first 20-30 steps are more like a hobble.  I don't want drugs to manage it.  I want to fix it.  And I know it is possible.  So she gave me a referral to a physical therapist.

Number 4 concern was my knee.  I blew out my right knee about 20 years ago pushing my car out of a snow bank.  Because it didn't swell, because I could walk after 2 weeks, because I was not a serious athlete (at the time I was training to run the Boston Marathon -- but I admit I was not a "serious" athlete... it was just a bucket list thing), my doctor told me there was nothing to be done and sent me on my way.  Now I have a hard time going up and down stairs... some days are worse than others.  She agreed that it needs to be evaluated at this time to see if there is any hope for resolving the issues.  So she gave me a second referral to a physical therapist.

Number 5 concern was my acid reflux issue.  I take pepcid on a regular basis.  If I miss a night, I wake up in the middle of the night.  She said to keep taking the pepcid.  She said it my be improved if I lose weight.  No change in plan at this time.

Number 6 concern was my depression.  I explained my history.  I let her know that about 15 years ago (I am getting so old) I was on prozac for a few years after a severe episode of depression.  I explained I am feeling depressed, but not as bad as it has been in the past.  Together we decided that we would put off doing anything about this until I got my thyroid under control.  It is entirely possible that my thyroid is messing that all up.  But she is willing to consider prozac in a few months if nothing else helps.

Number 7 concern was my ridiculous periods.  Not going to give you the details but lets just say I am anxiously waiting for menopause (I am not old enough yet) -- it has got to be better than this.  Since there is no hope of menopause happening any time soon, I asked about an ablation procedure.  I heard about this a couple of years ago but my previous doctor was not willing to even have the conversation with me.  Essentially, they cauterized the uterus so that you stop bleeding -- or at least bleed less.  So she gave me a referral to the local women's wellness clinic to discuss this possibility.  She also added lab work for a complete blood count and anemia check.

Number 8 concern was my exhaustion.  Well it wasn't really my concern... but it was hers.  I mean, I am exhausted but I was thinking it was my thyroid and my weight and my depression.  So I wasn't planning on discussing it as a separate topic.  But she brought it up.  It could be my thyroid.  It could be my weight.  It could be my depression.  Or it could be a sleep disorder.  She is willing to put this off for now but she let me know that if other things do not happen to help my exhaustion then she will be making a referral for a sleep study.

I think that covers it.  And now I have a ton of appointments to make.

I already had the blood work done last Monday.  They called with the thyroid levels (but I didn't even ask about the rest).  It is under active... which I already knew.  Normal levels are .5-3 (although some doctor will say .5-6).  I like to be right around the 1.0 point.  Even going up to 3.0 and I start feeling the effects it.  My level came back at 28.89.  So I am on medication now.  Waiting for it to build up in my system.

I have already made the appointment with the women's wellness clinic for this coming Monday.  Hoping to have some answer or possibilities very soon regarding this issue.

I also have a follow up appointment with my doctor scheduled.  I think it is June.  So I need to get motivated to schedule with the PT and the nutritionist soon.  I will update on all my appointments and all of Ladybug's appointments this month at the monthly update.  It has been a really busy month for appointments.

Mean Mama

Defensive?

This is the week from hell.  I was silly enough to schedule 5 appointments for Ladybug and I this week.  Today was appointment #1.  Psychiatrist.  Our therapist asked that we switch med management from her pediatrician to a psychiatrist.

When I called the office they asked some preliminary questions.  One of which was something like "Why do you think you need to see a psychiatrist?"  I mentioned something about attachment disorder.  They asked if she was adopted.  I said yes.  They asked me to bring her adoption paperwork.

What?  I mean half of them are in Amharic.  I can tell them what is in them.  But whatever.  I will bring them.  I guess.

When I got to the office today, I checked in.  Then she asked if I brought the adoption paperwork.  I held up a thick folder of information and said something like, "I wasn't sure exactly what you wanted to I brought it all."  She giggled and said something like, "Oh I just need the paperwork that proves you legally adopted her."

What? 

I was a little stunned but I handed it over.  It wasn't until much later (already back at work - after lunch and driving an hour) that it hit me.  I had to prove she was my child?  Why?  Did all the other parents in the office have to produce the birth certificates of their children?  To get help?  Who cares if I have her birth certificate?  I have her insurance card.  She calls me mom.  I am asking for help.  Why is it their business to investigate if my adoption is legal?  Do they investigate the births of all the children?

Makes me want to not go back.  Not that there are many other options for us.  Am I being too sensitive?

Mean Mama

update 3

Happier:
I think, despite being clueless as to how I plan to measure this, it is safe to say I was not successful at this.  The death of my grandpa did not help.  But I am handling it better than I handled my grandma's death 9 years ago.

Healthier:
1. I gained.  Again.  The funeral was not kind to me.  But the reality is, one weekend did not do all of the damage.  I have started juicing once a day.  I have started eating whole real foods.  None of it is helping yet.  I need meds.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications.  I am painfully aware that her meds are far less effective then they were a month ago.  I am more consistent about taking mine this month than last month.  But not perfect.
3.  I did a really good job at using my mini-stepper this month. I am up to 8 minutes a night.  Or I was.  And then the funeral through me off.  I guess I could have gone to the fitness center at the hotel.  But I didn't.  I need to get back to this.  Maybe tomorrow.
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.  I even gave up my beloved tea at the end of the month.  Juices and water now.  But I need to do more water still.
5.  Doing so much better at eating whole foods.  Keeping lunches simple for both me and Ladybug.  Juicing in the mornings.  Crocking at night.  That is good.
6.  There were no doctor appointments this month.  Well, I did go pick up my multi-focal progressive lenses.  Which I hate.  They are so hard to get use to.  I want to turn them in.  But I have 60 days.  I should give it a chance.  However, April is filled with appointments.  As of right now I have 6 appointments scheduled.  And somehow that does not catch us up on everything.
7.  I sucked at going to bed on time.  Most nights it was 11.  That is too late.  I think it is a sign of my depression.
8.  No flossing.  For either of us.

Wealthier:
Partial success.  I deposited $20 into Ladybug's account.  This is good.  I mismanaged my checking account last month.  This means that when I became overdrawn the bank took money from my savings account.  I am currently down to just about $6 in my account.  Which is very bad.  I plan to redeposit the money I lost very soon.  And I hope to make some additional deposits this month.  Just plan stupid. 

Wiser:
I learned that you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink.  Duh!  I had to share a room with my sister for a few days when we went to the funeral.  She has a terrible snoring problem.  By "terrible" I mean, my parents were in the room next door and they could hear it.  She has a cpap machine for this snoring problem.  She brought the cpap machine with her.  She did not wear it.  Not one night.  She needs it.  She has it.  She travels with it.  And she doesn't use it.  And as a result I didn't sleep much for 3 days.



Mean Mama

A goodbye

Today my grandfather died.  I am sad.

I was lucky.  I am 44 and I still have one living grandparent now.  That is pretty amazing. 

It has been 9 years since my grandmother died (his wife) so I know he is happy to be gone and with her.  I know he had no memory left.  I know it was time for him to go.

But I am sad.

Mean Mama

struggling

I didn't mean to just drop the bomb shell about my mom and then leave the topic.  It has been hard on me.  I am struggling with supporting her.  I haven't read the book she gave me.  I haven't visited the convent yet.  And until last night, I hadn't even talked to her since the visit.  Not on purpose.

We had a long talk last night.  She is visiting my grandmother who is at my aunt's house.  She told them.  And now I am in the position of defending her choices and not wanting to support them myself.

My mom has a history of not being supported by her family.  They do it with all the love and good intentioned but they are still not supportive.  When she announced that she was going back to school to get a nursing degree, they got mad at her and told her she was being selfish.  They told her she should be concentrating on her children and not herself.  Keep in mind that when she decided to go to nursing school both my sister and I had already graduated from college.  We were supporting ourselves and living on our own.  When she announced that she was moving back to her home state (where her mother lives and one state over from my aunt) they told her it was the wrong decision for her.

So she told them she wants to be a nun and they walked out of the room crying.  In the middle of the conversation.  I mean, I get it.  It was upsetting to me too.  Still is.  But it is not like she was announcing she has decided to make meth and sell it for a living.  They told her she was being selfish and only thinking of herself.  They said this decision has an impact on them and they have a right to have a say in her decision.

I get it.  Nobody is going to be impacted by this decision more than me and Ladybug.  She is their daughter and sister.  But she is my mother.  She is Ladybug's grandmother.  She is going to sell her house and move to a convent.  The image... or fantasy... I had of my family is about to change.  There will be no more weekends at grandma's house.  There will be no more family holidays.  There will be no free access to her.  For me.  For my daughter. I don't want her to be a nun.

But it is not my decision.

And it is not theirs.

I want to process this.  I want to understand how this impacts her life.  My life.  My daughter's life.  I want to mourn the death of my fantasy.  I want... so much.  But what I don't want is to be put in the position to defend her to her family.  I don't want to support the decision before I am ready.  I don't want to remind them that no matter how much we love people, we can not make life decisions for people.  I don't want to take a side.  And I don't want to betray my mother by siding with them.

Still need to find that therapist.

Mean Mama

Straight hair

I know you think I am talking about Ladybug.  But not this time.

Normally I perm my hair.  Normally I like my hair curly and wild.  And someday I hope it inspires Ladybug to embrace her hair.  But the reality is, I got my first perm when I was 18 and I fell in love with my hair.  I love curls.

But I got bored yesterday.  I didn't want to put on nice clothes.  I did not want to leave the house.  I did not want to do chores and errands.  So I decided to straighten my hair.  I have enough gadgets in the bathroom to do this.  So I did it.

Ladybug didn't even notice.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Maybe she is not so in love with straight hair now.  Temporarily.  Hopefully.

But everybody at the office noticed.  EVERYBODY!  And I went to both my offices today. 

These are the same people who still have not noticed the fact that I got glasses nearly 3 weeks ago.  And they loved my straight hair.  Gushed about it.

At some point today I was in the bathroom and I studied my hair in the bathroom.  I much prefer my curls.

I need a new perm!

Mean Mama

Typical conversation

Ladybug: (yelling from the living room while I am making dinner) Your phone is ringing.
Mama: My work phone?
Ladybug: Your phone is ringing.
Mama: Bring it to me.
Ladybug: What?
Mama: Bring it to me!
Ladybug: You want me to answer it?
Mama: NO!  Bring it to me!
Ladybug: What????
Mama: BRING! IT! TO! ME!
Ladybug: Oh.

It wasn't ringing.

Mean Mama

I am stressed

I think I have earned it.  I am stressed.  Life is hard right now.  But I refuse to fall into the trap that I hate seeing people fall into all the time.  It's the "I had a shitty childhood so I deserve to be fucked up" syndrome.  Life is stressful -- so what.  What ya going to do about it?

But first let's review things that may be contributing to my current stress.

1. I moved 11 months ago.
2. I started a new job 11 months ago.
3. Finances -- I should be use to that since that never changes.
4. My child has attachment issues, anxiety issues, ADHD issues, etc???
5.  I travel a lot to see family and friends.
6.  I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house.
7.  I am single.
8.  My mom has decided to become a nun.

I could really use some medications now.  I could use a therapist (of my own!) to verbal vomit about all my stress.  Because it is beginning to seep out and Ladybug is responding to it.

Today was homework day.  Lots of sighing.  Lots of dirty looks.  Lots of throwing pencils.  Lots of ridiculous answers. 

Then I asked her to clean up her things.  I was nice enough to even put all the things in one spot.  She just needed to trash it or put it away.  Lots of complaining.  Lots of stomping.

And then she started throwing things.

So I lost it.  Sent her to her room.  So she grabs her computer and heads up to her room.

What??  Her computer.  I don't think so.

So she brings it back down and opens it up and starts to do something on her computer.  I close it.  She yells that she needs to shut it down.  I tell her the only thing she needs to do is go upstairs and if she touches the computer again I am throwing it away.

I managed to shower, dress, drive across town, and do at least 1/2 the shopping before she even considered the option of starting to forgive me.

Hopefully tomorrow I can be a better parent.

Mean Mama