Professional Interpreter

Sometimes understanding Ladybug is a challenge. Not because she can't talk well. She does. But because sometimes she doesn't listen well.

Ladybug: Remember in the movie when they said that? (this comes after 5 minutes of silence in the car)
Me: What movie?
Ladybug: The movie we watched. (Like we have only watched one?)
Me: Do you mean Hotel for Dogs?
Ladybug: Yes. (okay we have seen this movie close to a million times in the last 2 weeks so I might be able to remember a line or 2.)
Me: What did they say?
Ladybug: You know.
Me: You are going to have to give me more details.
Ladybug: "Use the eggs. I like crumps."
Me: What?
Ladybug: "Use the eggs. I like crumps."
Me: When do they say that?
Ladybug: In the movie.
Me: When in the movie?
Ladybug: You know. In Hotel for Dogs.
Me: Yes, Honey, I know in the movie Hotel for Dogs but at what part?
Ladybug: You know when the kids are in the hotel with the dogs.
Me: (that did so not help narrow it down and I am searching my memory like a computer looking for a file). When?
Ladybug: IN THE MOVIE!
Me: Oh! (memory has kicked in) Honey, they didn't say "Use the eggs. I like crumps." They said "Where's the exit? Like I left crumbs!"
Ladybug: That's what I meant.

Whew!

Mean Mama

The car...again

Okay now that more then 24 hours have passed I think I can write about my car without crying ... or screaming while stomping my feet.

In the last couple of months I have spent more then $1,200 to fix the various problems with my not-so-beloved car. I am not happy about it but it was a decision (or decisions) that I made. The latest was to spend just under $200 to have a new battery installed.

I was torturing my sweet Ladybug on Sunday by running errands. We went to the library. And aside from laying on top of a giant Mickey Mouse, that looked completely inappropriate, she did really well. We went to the grocery store. And despite the fact that she apparently lost the ability to walk a straight line and resorted to twirling and spinning down every aisle, she did really well. She even managed to get in the car, in the car seat, and buckled up without me asking more than 3 times. I buckled up. I turned the key.

Nothing.

Well, the radio came on but that was it. In disbelief I turned the key again. I really, truly believed I would get a different result. I didn't. So I turned it again...and again... until I realized I was going to need to try a new approach. So I popped the hood. I tried to look like I knew what I was doing but I am pretty sure that I just looked desperate. I know what an engine looks like but really the only thing I am qualified to do is add oil. So I checked the dip stick. It was low. Which I expected because it has been nearly 3000 miles since the last oil change, the car has a little bit of a leak (yet another thing that needs to still get fixed), and it is old. So Ladybug and I went back into the store and bought some oil. I put it in the car. I turned the key, again.

Nothing.

I have no idea why I thought oil would make the car start.

This is when Ladybug really starts to talk. She wants to know why the car won't start. SO DO I! She wants to know how we are getting home. SO DO I! Talk ... talk ... talk. It is amazing how quickly my mood can go from joking and having fun... to "if she breathes at me in the wrong direction I might bite off her head." I try to keep myself in check but I am instantly stressed. I am letting Ladybug play in the grassy area in front of the car. I am banging my head repeatedly on the steering wheel when I hear the woman next to me say to Ladybug, "Do you know where your mommy is?"

Me: Right here.
Woman: No I mean this little girl. (pointing at Ladybug)
Me: Yep. Me.
Woman: (Complete look of disbelief)
Me: (roll my eyes)

Have I mentioned that Ladybug is a transracial adoption? I am so not in the mood to explain that I adopted her. I know she doesn't look like me. Well, some people say she does but I am pretty sure they are actually talking about attitude and not facial features. My car is not working -- I don't want to answer her questions. I guess Ladybug looking at me and saying "Mama..." satisfies her and she gets back in her car.

I give up. It is time to call AAA. They actually installed the battery in. And they told me that if I had a problem they would come out and service the battery. I just didn't think I would be making that call just 9 days after it was installed. 9 DAYS! I call. They promise to send someone. I wait. Ladybug makes friends with every person that walks by. She is not shy. About 45 minutes later a very nice boy from AAA arrives. He really looks like a recent college grad who is wondering how his sociology degree landed him a job driving around in a AAA truck testing batteries on a Saturday. He tests the battery. He is sure the battery is fine. Fully charged. He tells me I have to call a tow truck.

Yes, I called AAA the first time to tell them my car is dead and they send out someone who does not have a tow truck. So I call again and we wait again. Ladybug is getting so bored she starts throwing things at the cars. Not mine. I call my mom and ask her to come pick me up. Oh yeah, she now lives 700 miles away. So I wait more. And finally a tow truck shows up. No college grad this time. This time he is a beer belly, tank shirt wearing, good ole boy. And he is randomly chewing on a straw. Did I just enter an episode of Dukes of Hazard? But he is nice. He bangs around the engine. And by bang around I mean he takes a screw driver and bangs at various parts of the engine and tells me to turn the key. It sort of feels like he is taking the theory that if he kicks it enough it will start working again.

It doesn't.

The car gets towed. Ladybug looks up at me and asks, "Can we go out for ice cream?" It is at this point I am grateful that I didn't buy any in the store and wondering if everything survived the delay in the trunk. We get a ride home from a friend. And the stress continues as I try to figure out what next.

Part II will come tomorrow...

Mean Mama

Regrets

Do you have any regrets in your life? I think it is a common question. How do you define regret? I always think of it as something you wished had never happened. So I have a hard time with regret because I keep thinking about how one decision can change your life path. Some days I think I might regret the fact that I moved here in 2005. Or that I regret quitting my previous job. Or that I regret going back to school for paralegal studies. Or that I regret that I did not get my master's degree. Or I regret that I didn't get to go to my first choice college. But I can not even begin to calculate how each one of those changes would have change my life. And I would not change anything in my past that might mean I would not end up with Ladybug.

But there is one regret I have. One that I am sure in no way really affected the path of my life. So I hang on to it.

I was about 13. I was the budding teenager and lived with my single father. He did not discuss the girly things with us (my sister and I). So I was stumbling through learning about them on my own. I was in the shower and decided it was time for me to shave my legs. It was not my first time but I was in no way versed in the activity. And if truth be told, I didn't really have anything to shave. Just a little peach fuzz. But it is a right of passage.

So I slowly drew the disposable razor up my leg. Over and over. But as I said...I only had peach fuzz. I couldn't tell if it was doing anything. I shaved again. I couldn't tell. So I decided to test it. And I slowly dragged the razor up my belly just below my belly button. What would possess me to do that? Relax. No blood shed. But I still couldn't tell if the razor was working. So I gave up.

It was a few days later that I discovered that the razor was working. Because it was then that the fresh stubble on my belly started to show. Who would have thought that one simple movement of the hand would give me something to deal with my entire life.

I don't notice it so much these days. I spent most of my 20's painfully plucking out each hair. Of course they would grow back. Longer and darker each time. But it was vanity. I, obviously, have gotten a whole lot less vane lately. That, and I can no longer see the lower half of my belly without holding the upper half out of the way. But today as I started the "starvation" part of my diet again...I am hopeful that I will be able to see that part of my belly again and I don't want it to be hairy.

So I do have one regret.... well, and as of today I seriously regret not buying a new car earlier this year. Yep! The car died. Again.

Mean Mama

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

Since this morning's blog was technically meant to be done last night I need to put out another blog tonight. I was unable to blog last night because of my interruption.

I decided to take a brief break from my diet for a special occasion today. But with this diet I can not just cheat for a day and be done. I must stop the hhcg and stay with the very low calorie diet for 2 days. Then I must eat based on the phase 3 protocol for one day. And then I can take a diet break...an interruption. When I am done with my break I just start back up with the hhcg and very low calorie diet. Simple enough.

I thought the 2 no hhcg days would be tough. And they were. I am not sure if it was because I am hungry or if I was just anticipating eating. I wanted food! Yum! Cheese! I wanted food. So Friday arrived and I ate. I had eggs and cheese for breakfast. It wasn't as good as I anticipated. So I looked forward to lunch. Taco salad at my favorite Mexican place. I wouldn't eat the shell but I could have the rest. Beef, beans, lettuce, tomato, cheese and sour cream. Yum.

I didn't eat it all. I got full. Oh that never happened before. I guess my stomach has shrunk. So I stopped. But apparently I didn't stop soon enough. Or maybe I just wasn't use to beans anymore. My belly hurt. I leaned back in my chair to elongate my body. My hope was that it would make my belly stretch. But it is hard to sit with my body arched backward and still try to reach the keyboard to type a legal document. The only thing that was going to help was ... time. I had eaten too much.

By the time I arrived at daycare to watch Ladybug's first dance recital I was beginning to feel better. So good in fact, I decided to take her out for ice cream. Ice cream is definitely not on phase 3. And one would think I had learned my lesson. But no. I took her out for ice cream and got some for myself. Key lime with coconut, bananas, and pineapple. Yum! And then I spent the rest of the evening wishing that death would come. I stretched out on my bed with my hands stretched above my head. It didn't help. At all. So I waited for morning to arrive and hoped I felt better.

I woke up this morning with an upset stomach but feeling sooooooo much better. And I had learned my lesson. Really! Physical pain can actually be a good teacher. I had actually taken this interruption for today. And I don't want to eat now that it has arrived. I went to the function. I nibbled. I tasted. But I did not pig out. Can you believe that I am looking forward to tomorrow arriving. Hhcg and starvation!! Looking forward to it.

Ladybug pigged out! Every time I turned around she was stuffing something else in her mouth. Hot dog. Juice. Hamburger. Coke (oh who allowed that??). Fruit. More fruit. Coffee (What?). More fruit. Ice cream. Water. People might begin to think I never feed the girl. She came to me and told me, "Mama, my belly hurts." I bet! And I wanted to tell her that is how I felt when she jumped on me last night. And when we arrived home she asked if I would make her something to eat. NO! Apparently she did not learn this lesson yet.

Just for the record... I have officially lost 15.4 pounds. And I am motivated to shed a few more. Partly because of the eating episodes. And partly because tonight while I squeezed into the tub for a detox bath I swear I did not feel as much like a sardine as I did last week. 15 down...129 to go. I say casually....

Mean Mama

Who's road is it?

There is a reason why I don't leave the office on most days. I go to work. I bring my lunch with me. I stay in the confines of the office for the entire day. Then I go home.

But yesterday I had to run errands. I did not bring my lunch (a story that can be explained later). And I had to go get a tussie mussie flower arrangement for Ladybug's first dance recital.

I head out to get my lunch. I use the cut through road -- a legal road. I truck pulls out in front of me and crawls up to the corner. Why do people pull out in front and then go at a snails pace? He turns it the same direction I do and picks the left lane. Which is the lane I need. But I switch to the right lane because he is slower then molasses in Vermont in winter. And he changes lanes in front of me. Of course. So I change back and quickly pass him to avoid an ongoing dance. I am heading back to the office with my lunch. I am in the right hand lane getting ready to turn at a light. There are 2 lanes that go straight and one lane for turning left. I am stuck at the red light because there is a car in front of me that obviously has no desire to turn right. Lunch smells so good. Turn green please. The light turns green. And the car in front of me makes a left hand turn. LEFT! From the right lane!

I head out later to go get the tussie mussie. I make it to the flower shop without incident. As I am leaving I place the flowers (in a vase full of water, in a box for stability) on the floor. I figure less could happen to it there. I am following a car up a hill. There is about 4-5 car lengths between us -- because I do not tailgate. There is a car waiting to pull out from a side road. The car in front of me passes the street. And then the car tries to pull out between us. Really???? I slam on my breaks. The flowers go flying. He stops. I pull around him and off to the side of the road. The flowers are on their side. My car is beginning to look like a wading pool. I set the flowers up right. And make it back to the office without further incident.

At the end of the work day I am heading to the post office. I use the same cut through road. And, of course, a car pulls out in front of me. And crawls to the corner. He puts on his turn signal. Left? UGH! That means he has to navigate 5 lanes of traffic. We wait. And waited. And finally there is a break in the traffic. But he is so busy talking to someone in the back seat that he misses it. So I wait some more.

Who's road is it? I know everyone assumes it is theirs. At least they drive that way. But the reality is... it's mine!!! And people need to learn how to drive on it. Or stay off.

Mean Mama

kind of frightening

There is nothing like a medical emergency to keep someone from doing a good day's work.

My boss came to work yesterday and stopped at my co-worker's office. Then he stopped at my office. As we talked I found myself drawn to his mouth. No! Not in a sexual way! Something was off. I couldn't put my finger on it but something wasn't right.

A few minutes later I went to help my co-worker with something and she asked if big boss (because there is also a little boss in the office) seemed okay. Okay so I wasn't imagining it. We compared notes. We had each had a 2 minute conversation with him so how many notes could we have? P and I were talking about it for longer then 2 minutes. So long in fact that little boss joined us. He hadn't noticed anything but said he would check on him. MEN!

In the meantime, P and I compared notes again. His eye seemed droopy. Part of his mouth was droopy. We diagnosed him. He was having a stroke. We crowded into his office. He was fine. He insisted it. And, after all, none of us had any medical experience. So we went back to work.

A few minutes later little boss came to P and I. He had been on the internet. He thought big boss was having a stroke. Okay. That's it. Time to get him to a doctor. How do you tell your boss that he has to do something? "Dude, I know you sign my paycheck and you say you are fine but GO TO THE ER!"?

He agrees to see a doctor. Which is good because now his eye is not blinking, his lip is drooping, and when he smiles (okay, laughs at us), his cheek does not respond. All on one side of his face. He says he will go see his neurologist. Really? You mean the guy that is 20 minutes away? There is a hospital across the street. ACROSS THE STREET! Literally. But he has agreed to see a doctor. And little boss has agreed to drive him. It would not be good to have him stroke out on the road.

And while he is laying in a doctor's office, P and I are worried. We are worried for his health. We are worried that we pushed when we shouldn't have. We are worried because he is our job.

He was back in the office before we left for the day. Less then 4 hours later! He did not have a stroke. Whew! He has Bell's Palsy. He has ... what??? Bell's Palsy. Which can look exactly like a stroke -- at least in the face. And the doctor said P and I did the right thing. Okay so we won't get fired for pushing our boss around. While he recovers he will talk out of one side of his mouth. Like Popeye. He winks at us -- because his eyes no longer blink at the same rate. His eye gets dry. I have suggested that maybe an eye patch with a Jolly Roger on it might help him look like a bad ass.

I get to keep my job - despite getting very little work done yesterday.

Mean Mama

honesty and manipulation

I picked up Ladybug from daycare yesterday. She looked up at me and said:

Ladybug: Mama, I need to tell you the truth.
Me: Okay. About what?
Ladybug: I punched J in the privates today.
Me: What?!?! (trying to pick my chin up from the floor)
Ladybug: I punched J in the tenis.

Pause...

Me: Okay, honey, first it is a penis and...
Ladybug: I punched J in the penis.
Me: Okay...
Ladybug: Girls don't have penis.
Me: No...
Ladybug: Girls have a vagina.
Me: Yes... (beginning to feel like I can not get a word in edgewise)
Ladybug: Mama, how did my first mommy die?

Head spinning.

Me: Um...well...
Ladybug: Did she die in a hospital?
Me: Well are you asking me where she died or what caused her to die?
Ladybug: How did she die?
Me: Well something got in her blood and it made her very sick.
Ladybug: And she died.
Me: Yes.
Ladybug: But I wasn't in her belly when she got something in her blood. (statement, not question)
Me: We don't know that. But maybe. But you didn't get sick.

Exhausted.

At some point I will need to get back to the "punching J in the penis" part but I could not think of a way at the time.

Tonight's topic when I picked her up...

Ladybug: Mama, how do babies get in bellies?
Me: Well, that is not so easy to explain. (Or maybe it is just not comfortable to explain to a 5 year old.)
Ladybug: MOM! Just tell me.

Mean Mama

barbies....barbies...barbies

A few months ago I had had enough. Ladybug was out of control. I reprimanded her and she would cross her arms, make a face, and say something smart. I would ask her to do something and she would say "NO!" She would get sent to her room and she would slam doors. I was beginning to think I had a teenager and not a 5 year old. I felt desperate to have a change in the behavior. The more mad I got the more defiant she got.

But I could not control myself.

I lost it one day. I had reached my limit. But I needed something that made an impact. So I marched into the kitchen, grabbed a garbage bag, and handed it to Ladybug. She was clueless. I told her to take every single little piece of barbie toy and put it in the bag. She cried. But she did it. When it was done I explained the rules. I would store it in the closet. If she was good - she would earn a piece back. If she was bad - I would throw a piece away.

Later that afternoon we were getting in the car and she tested me. Really? You want to see if I am serious about throwing away the one toy that I never wanted you to have in the first place? I warned her. But she continued. So we stopped by the dumpster, I grabbed the one barbie in the car (the one that wears a necklace that when pressed she will sing ... annoying!) and tossed it in the dumpster. She freaked. I had a twinge of guilt but it passed. I thought she learned the lesson. She tested one more day and I threw away an accessory.

And then I promptly forgot about it. I have not thrown one thing away and I have not given her back any.

On a whim today I gave her back the whole garbage bag. I handed it to her. Told her she needed to find a place to put them when she was done playing with them. And then I got my first hour of peace since I took them away. She stayed in her room, closed the door, and played...until I called her out for something. And then she was loving and wonderful.

So Barbie.... thank you for bringing out the best in my girl. But don't my mother I said that.

Mean Mama

Car Payments

I bought a brand new car in 2000. I told myself that I was willing to have a car payment for 5 years under the condition that I would not have a car payment for the following 5 years. This means that I would have to have the car for at least 10 years. But I was okay with this because I bought a car I loved. It was nothing fancy. It was the bottom of the line. But I loved my car. And as predicted I paid off the car in 2005.

I became a mother in 2006. My car was a family car. It was a simple 4 door car. But when I bought the car I lived in an area where I never even thought about air conditioning. And my car did not have it. But now I live in a place where air conditioning is a NECESSITY for at least 5 months of the year. I could have lived with it. But I could not do that to my child since we often go on very long car trips. So in 2007 I sold my car... my beloved car... and took possession of my mom's car since she was getting a new one. This allowed me to not have car payments still. But I do NOT love my new car. And it is older...1997. But it gets the job done.

It is now 2010, the year I had predicted getting a new car. I want a new car. Mostly for vanity reasons. I want a cute little new car. But when I thought about it logically I could not come up with a good excuse to spend the money to get a new car. So I have put it off. How can I justify a car payment when I have so many other things that I NEED to pay for?

What I have discovered is that all of my extra cash is going for ... car repairs. It is 13 years old. I have had all 4 tires replaced. This was discovered after I drove through a snow storm on vacation and I was pretty sure I had no ability to get up a hill -- not a good thing since I was going into 3 different mountain ranges. Four new tires and a much overdue alignment was about $450.

But if that is all I need to fix this year then it is still financially worth it to not have a car payment.

Once I had that done I almost immediately began to notice problems with what I assumed were brake issues. Now one would think that while they were in there putting on new tires that they would take a quick glance at my brakes. But no! I took the car back in complaining that if I slammed on the brakes the car slid to the left. Just guessing that is a bad thing. So they checked it out. Yep, bad brakes. Actually REALLY bad brakes! In their attempt to get the old brakes off some of the bolts holding the car together snapped. Probably a good thing that didn't happen while slamming on the brakes. Two new front brakes and replacement of all the broken parts was about $650.

Really beginning to question my decision to keep this car.

About 2 weeks after getting my brakes fixed another little problem show itself. I got in the car the other day and started driving. And the radio cut out. But it came back. And then it happened again. And again. I thought it was strange that the radio station was having technical difficulties and was not commenting on it. By the time it cut out the 4th time I began to see a pattern. Every time I depressed the brake, the radio cut out. So I tested it all the way to day care. Yep, every time. My not-so-beloved car began to remind me of a car we had when I was a kid. One of it's endearing qualities was that if you left the headlights on and turned off the car, the horn would honk. After dropping Ladybug at daycare I got back into the car and turn the key. NOTHING happened. I turned it again and the car turned on. I looked at the clock. It had reset. The radio came on. Not my station. So I drove straight to the mechanic again. A new battery and few connecting things just under $200.

Now it is evident that I am spending more than a car payment. The thought has entered my mind to cut my losses and get a new car. But at this rate all of the parts on my car will soon be new so there will be no need to get a new car.

Mean Mama

listening

Ladybug is 5. She will be starting kindergarten in the fall. And I have some serious concerns about her ability to listen. How is it possible for her to be standing right next to me and not hear a thing I say. She knows when I stop speaking and yet knows nothing of what was said. How? And how will that be in kindergarten? Well, she is in preschool now and the teacher continually tells me she is the biggest helper in school so maybe she is just like that with me. But I finally lost it with her on Sunday.

I had asked her to clean her room earlier in the day. I assumed (yep mistake #1) that she had done so because she told me she did. See....I listen. So I let her watch a movie. A movie that is only fueling her desire to have a dog -- something I have no desire for. "Please mama!" How many times do I have to say no before she hears no. See the theme? So, for some reason that now escapes me, later I walked into her room (mistake #2) and discovered.... well... I am assuming there was a freak isolated tornado in her room that, because I did not have the weather channel on, I did not hear about it.

I asked her if she cleaned her room. She says... yes. Really? Every piece of dress up clothes is on the floor. The farm animals are strewn across the room. The comforter is no longer on the bed. The monster trucks are randomly placed. The coloring books and markers must have been tossed in the air and allowed to land at will. And a few books are strategically placed through out the room. She walks in behind me. I confronted her. And faced with the mess... she sticks to her story. Again, really???? "But I can't pick up all this stuff. It's too much work."

Oh but I did not lose it at that time.

So we start cleaning up the room (mistake #3) ...read that sentence as "I started cleaning up the room." I am shoveling clothes into the stool. I am putting books back where they belong. I am neatly placing markers into the container. I am putting the comforter back on the bed. She is putting the monster trucks back near the wall. And then I look over at her. Some how she has found her swim cap and placed it on her face. Yes! The nylon, water proof, plastic-like, air-tight cap. It is snug around her face.

Oh but I still did not lose it.

Knowing the concerns of have essentially plastic bag on her face I attempt to keep my cool. I casually ask her to remove it from her face (mistake #4). She walks away from me with it still on her face...singing.

And this is where I lost it!

Take it off! Take it off! TAKE IT OFF!!!! (still debating if this was a mistake)

It freaked her out. She dove in her bed (without the cap). And took a nap.

Mean Mama