Anniversary

Today is a special day for me.  It is my anniversary.  When I told a friend, her response was, "Of what?"  You see, I am single.  And haven't had a date in ... okay I am not willing to admit that.  So it is not that kind of anniversary.  It is not of "THE call" because that is in June.  It is not when I met Ladybug for the first time... that is in August.  It is not the death of my father ... that is June.  It is not when I moved in with my adoptive parents... that is July.  It is not when my adoption was finalized... that is September. 

So what could this all so important anniversary be?  You!  One year ago I created this blog and started blogging.  And unlike so many other projects in my life...I kept you alive.  One year of sharing my thoughts -- good, bad, or ridiculous.  And in that year I have posted 262 posts.  Wow!  I impress myself.

I don't know if I accomplished my original goal but I do think that I am generally happy with how it is going.  In this year I have gained 14 loyal followers -- at least 14 people who are willing to say so on the blog.  I have a regular reader from Farmville, North Carolina -- but I fear maybe he/she just likes my blog roll (although I hope you read my blog too).  I have someone who regularly checks in from Dubai -- which I had to look up on the map to figure out exactly where that is.  I seem to have a lot of readers in Indianapolis - which I find strange since I spent my first 14 years of life not far from there.  I have had a few "in real life" friends discover my blog and figure out who I am. 

I began this blog for me.  It is my site.  My thoughts.  My journey.  But I enjoy knowing others read it.  And I hope more people chose to leave comments to my random rantings.  Thank you for joining me this last year.  Hope you stick around for another year.

Having a drink to celebrate my anniversary.

Mean Mama

Double speak

When I finally got serious about seeking help for Ladybug I went to her school first.  I asked to meet with the counselor.  I didn't think she would be the right therapist but I hoped that she could point me in the direction of who might be good.  She pointed me in the direction of a school program.  Only problem was that they had recently lost all their funding.  So they would be of no help.

She then pointed me in the direction of some workshops.  She wanted me to go to an evening workshop on Positive Discipline.  I had a few issues with this.  First, it is evening.  I am single.  And I am also anti-social so I have nobody to watch my child.  And this is not about discipline...although I am not sure what it is about.  I didn't go.

Now she has invited me to a 6 week workshop.  This time it is during the day.  The day.  Haven't I mentioned that I work?  Mondays.  11am-12:30pm.   It is a class for parents about how to have successful play sessions with their children that accomplishes several things, including the child having one-on-one time; child feeling heard and appreciated; child seeing parent as wanting to develop a closer relationship (the child's perception, not that there isn't already a good relationship); helping the child become more cooperative due to the focused attention and the language.

Okay.  Am I paranoid?  Is the second time she has told me that this is all about me?  I am a bad parent.  Apparently.  But after some initial hesitation, I have decided to do it.  And my boss has given me permission.  I do have some worries about starting this program at the same as the therapy -- which starts in about 10 days.

But while I had her on the phone I let her know that I signed a release for her to talk with the new therapist.  She said she got a copy of the release.  And then she asked what I was hoping for from therapy.  What????  Isn't that how I got hooked up with her in the first place?  I don't know. Do you think they are going to lay out an entire plan after meeting with me for just an hour?  So I said -- may be looking ADHD or attachment or something like that.

And her response was...

Oh no.  I don't see that at all.  She is a perfectly normal child.  She is great.  I have met with her for about 5  or 6 weeks now.  I am very busy and I have a lot of kids to see each week but I make her a priority each week.  She is a perfectly normal child and she  has no real issues.

And there it is again.  I am the crazy one.  She is normal.  So I am crazy.  But wait...did I miss something?  My perfectly normal child is a priority for an extremely busy school counselor?  Why is my perfectly normal child a priority for her?  Oh wait... I know why this doesn't make sense to me ... I am the crazy one.

Mean Mama

Cuddle Time

If Ladybug does, in fact, have  an attachment issue I think I am screwing up on cuddle time.  She has a hard time with me initiating affection.  She wants it when she wants it and otherwise it is ...Get off of me, Mama!

But lately there are a couple of times that she wants it.  One is when we are watching TV.  She wants to cuddle up and hold my hand.  She wants to hold on to my arm.  But I am going to need some new furniture for this.  My living room -- the only place we have a TV (despite the fact that most American homes have 2-3 TVs on average) -- has a wooden rocking chair (where I sit) and a futon loveseat (where she rolls around -- because she is incapable of sitting still).

The rocking chair can not fit the 2 of us.  No way... no how.  Not even if I was a skinny minnie.  The futon is not a college remnant.  Really.  About 7 years ago I moved into an attic studio.  For about a year.  It was free.  It allowed me to quit my job and return to school full time.  It was temporary.  So I was willing to do it.  But before making all those arrangements, I forgot to measure my beloved bed.  It didn't fit up the stairs.  So I bought a futon.  And I slept on it for a year.  And when I moved I turned it into a couch.  But it is not a comfortable couch.  So I don't like to sit on it. 

So she asks for cuddle time and I don't always give it.  She looks at me with her arms and hands stretched out to me.  She sucks her bottom lip in and frowns.  She wants me.  So I need a new couch.  Or something.  So we can curl up with each other and cuddle.

The other time she is needing cuddle time is early morning.  Let's face it.  She is in my bed every night.  I can't get her out.  And at this point I have stopped trying.  She is a morning person.  I am not.  So about 1/2 hour before my alarm clock goes off she started touching me.  Soft tickles.  Which wakes me up.  She takes her little hands and gently touches my face.  Traces my lips.  Touches my eyes.  And I wake up.  And I shrug her off.  Partly because she is waking me up -- and I hate that.  But the other part is that she has spent the entire night scratching her butt (literally) with her hands and now she is rubbing them all over my face.  GROSS!

Mean Mama

Teacher conference

The second teacher conference of the year happened today.  The school year is 3/4 of the way over.  I had a major block to this conference.  Every time I realized it was this week it was like a new surprise to me.  And then I couldn't remember what day.  But luckily I showed up on the right day at the right time.

Her last 2 days at school have been rough.  Yesterday she got 7 of 11 checks.  Today she got 8 of 11.  But I was having a hard time reprimanding her.  Because her problems at school this week have been... talking.  Yes, talking.  I know this is important.  I know she needs to be quiet when she needs to be quiet.  I know it is disruptive.  I know it makes it difficult on the teachers and other students.  But let's look at the situation.  She wasn't hitting anybody.  She wasn't pushing anybody.  She wasn't yelling at anybody.  She didn't throw anything at anybody.  She wasn't being defiant.  She wasn't being disrespectful.  She didn't threaten to kill anybody.  Talking.

The good news... she is smart.  I know that.  And sometimes I think it is also the bad news.  She is above grade level in almost everything.  She reads above grade level.  Writes above grade level.  You get the picture.  Except for one thing.  Counting.  Well she can count by 2's to 20.  She can count by 5's to 95.  She can count by 10's to 90.  But she can not count past 39.  Which is where she was at the last teacher conference -- in October. 

And she thinks she is improving behaviorally as well. So all is well.

And then I had to do my homework.  The therapist wanted me to approach the school about getting an IEP for Ladybug.  Ask about the process.  Get their opinion.  So I asked.  And she responded -- smiling, upbeat, sweet, sugary...

"Oh you don't need that."  She doesn't think Ladybug is at that level.  She doesn't think it will be very helpful.  It is a long process -- might not even get on the list to discuss it until next year.  It is a lot of work.  Lots of people have to be involved.  It takes a lot of time to even set it up.  It is also hard on the teachers.  And not really all the extra effort they have to do.  Especially since she is "not all that bad."  She asked if I would be willing to put it off until next year and if things were still bad they could start the process.  I said I was willing to put it off until we have met with the therapist again.  And the psychiatrist immediately following that.

Only 2 more weeks until the next appointment.  We have had a decent week.  But I can feel it building again.  Not complete meltdowns.  But she has been ready to.  Which means she will soon.

Mean Mama

Toms: One for One

Today we went for a walk after school/work.  A walk for a cause.  This was to raise awareness and charity.  This was to get shoes.  Ladybug walked a mile (without shoes).  Actually she jogged it.  I walked a mile (with shoes).  And could not keep up with her.

Mean Mama

Interpretation required

Sometimes I just don't know what she is talking about.  It is clear to me that it is clear to her but I am lost.

This morning as I was handing Ladybug her cereal (Raisin Bran -- which she hates but insisted on getting) this is the conversation we had:

Ladybug: Mama, where is the gee?
Mama: The what?
Ladybug: The gee.
Mama: (completely lost) What are you talking about?
Ladybug: The GEE.
Mama:  I hear you.  I just don't understand.  What is a gee?
Ladybug.  You know.  A gee.
Mama: (the only thing I can think of) In the alphabet?
Ladybug: Oh. Ok.

I didn't ask anything further.  Sometimes it is best to quit while I am ahead ... even is I am clueless as to how I got ahead.

Mean Mama

On my toes

She is doing a good job of keeping me on my toes.  She believes that motherhood is best when I overcome challenges.  So she is throwing them at me.  Left and right.  Leaving me a little off balanced -- and this has nothing to do with the inner ear infection that is literally keeping me off balanced.

She goes from being hyper: spinning, jumping, singing, dancing, running around.  I try to ground her.  I take her little face in my hands and get down on her level.  I ask for eye contact.  She can accomplish this.  It last for about .3 seconds at a time.  She agrees to comply and then immediately (and by "immediately" I mean about less then 2 seconds -- so better than the eye contact) does exactly what I asked her not to.  She is running and jumping and crashing into things.  She is using inappropriate words (buttcrack appears to be the top choice at the moment).  I can't turn her room into a padded cell so I am buying big, huge pillows and allowing her to be hyper around them.

to being angry:  throwing things around her room (because I sent her there when she refused to stop using the word buttcrack).  Stomping around.  Telling me she hates me.  Yelling at me.  Threatening to destroy things.

to being defiant:  will not eat what is served.  Will not brush her teeth.  Will not clean up her toys.  Will not get the dirty socks from behind the couch.  Will not... Will not... Will not.

to being whiney:  literally.  Sits at my feet, sucks on her bottom lip (which is nothing new), frowns, crinkles her brows, and whines like a little puppy who needs to be let out to potty, all while stretching her arms and hands out to me wanting to be held.

to being loving:  kisses galore.  I have gotten European double kisses (one on each cheek).  I have had my ears kissed.  My eyes.  My hands.  Telling me she loves me.  Telling me I am the best mommy.  Helping cook.  Helping clean up.  Playing games with me.  Singing.

I guess she is just making sure I am up for the job.

Mean Mama

How to treat a friend

Ladybug asked to play outside today.  Asked her to ride her scooter.  Well, only after hours of begging me to buy her a bike.  I am working on it.  But her current bike is way too small -- and the seat has lost the bolt and will not stay on.

A neighborhood boy (D) came out to play with her.  He is 7.  Just a little older than her.  I leave the front door open while she plays outside.  It was really too cold today for the front door to be open.  But I gave her the opportunity.  I keep an ear on her and let her play.  They drew.  And played with dragons.  And rode the scooter.  Kid stuff.

Then things got quiet.  After a minute or 2 I went to the door and looked out.  They (him, her, and a few other kids) were across the street.  I watched.  But they didn't notice me.  Then I saw the boy wrap his arms around Ladybug, swing her around, and throw her to the ground.  She sat on the ground for a second and I waited to see how she handled it.  And then the boy leaned down and slapped her across the face.

I stepped in at that point.  I said play time was done.  All the kids kept telling me it was a game.  Ladybug said it was an accident.  I wasn't buying it.  As we cleaned up the toys I realized that we had one of D's toys.  Ladybug grabbed it and ran down the street to return it to him.  I watched.  She talked to him.  She gave him the toy.  And then he reached out and wrapped his hands around her neck.  And she came screaming back down the street to me.

We talked.  I tried explaining that friends don't hurt friends.  Ever.  That she does not need to be friends who are mean to her.  I am not sure if she believes me.

And the principal says she is the bully.

Mean Mama

I was tagged

 I was tagged by La Mama Loca at La-Mama-Loca...she likes to torture me.  Hope she's not too disappointed. 

Rule #1: The tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: Tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (OK, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tagee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

I don't currently have any animals -- much to the dismay of Ladybug.  But when I do they are family.  My parents always refer to their animals as my siblings and I have passed this along to Ladybug.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

Right now it is that I have the ability (emotionally and financially) to get through this therapy adventure we are starting.  If I didn't have that then my dream would be to buy a home.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Are you kidding?  Can you imagine what I could do?  Pay debt... buy house... hire a personal trainer to get my fat butt to be not so fat... pay for the best therapist... give a bunch of money to a former place of employment so they could do amazing things for victims of domestic violence... travel... decorate... help orphans in Ethiopia... buy things from anyplace other than craigslist... pay the debt of all my family... have I spent it all yet??

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

A smile from Ladybug... Ben & Jerry's ice cream... sleep.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

Watch TV, chit chat online, play Café World on Facebook, turn off all lights, turn down the heat, check on Ladybug, read a few pages in a book, and wait for Ladybug and crawl in bed with me.

6. Name something that has surprised you this week about motherhood.

I can do a million special things for Ladybug in a day but she will only notice the one time I say "no" to her.

7. What kind of books do you read?

Kids books... a lot.  But I also like thrillers, mystery, romance, true life, self help, etc.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

Ladybug will be 16 so I think I will be sleepless, bald, and cross-eyed.  I also hope I live closer to family and friends, have a job I love, and no longer worry about money.

9. What’s your fear?

Define "fear" for me (not to pull a Clinton).  My phobia -- riding in a car on a road near a body of water and driving off the road.  Strange, I know.  But it will send me into a panic attack.  But a generalized fear would be death.  Me, my parents, Ladybug.  I am not prepared for any of those.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

I am with La Mama Loca on this one ... Ummmm……no.  But there might be other things that would entice me.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Weekdays -- tickle Ladybug, shower, dress, make lunch, and run out the door.

Weekends -- Tell Ladybug she can go watch TV so I can roll over and go back to sleep.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?

Since I am single: Am I really only allowed to pick one?  Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Scott McGillivray (HGTV), I am sure I could think of a whole lot more.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Oh come one... I do this on a regular basis.  Actually... it may be time.  I was born B, I changed my name to S when I was 7, and I changed my name again to S (different S name) when I was 25.  It has been more than 15 year now so I guess it is time to do this.  Let's see... Gertrude?  Brunhilda?  Let me think about it and I will let you know.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

Silly question...sun.

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Something with cheese, I am sure.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

I love that I get to vent.  I get that I get to write down the stories before I forget them.  I love to read the stories of other people.  I love the support I get from reading the stories of other people.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?

Sweet!

18. What items are in your purse right now?

2 wallet, cell phone, prescription meds, Ladybug's anti-nausea medication, band-aids.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

BEACH!  But since I have family and friends in the mountains we tend to go there instead.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn't?

Reality TV, HGTV, Soapnet, Hoarders.

 I am not going to tag anybody...but if you feel inspired to copy, paste, and answer for yourself -- go for it.


Mean Mama

not April Fool's

I am seriously thinking of dropping some of my new year's resolutions because it is becoming painfully obvious I have intention (or ability) to follow through on them.  Given that, here is my next monthly update to my successes and failures with my new year's resolutions:

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  Okay I came down a little from last month.  Went from 282.8 to 278.  Decent but nothing to write home about.  I really need to get serious.  I have a doctor appointment on the 12th and I would like to see some serious progress.  Please!
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I also gave the book to my mother for her birthday.  I am sure my mother got through the book in one day.  She reads a lot.  She has more books then most small libraries -- that is not a joke or an exaggeration.  I had a hard time getting through it.  And truth be told -- I read the last 30 pages this morning (wrong month).  Of all the things I learned from this book, I am sure it is not one of the lessons she was trying to teach.  I have lived in this area for 6 years.  And I have yet to make a really good friend.  I have friends.  I go out -- sometimes.  But I don't have someone that I know will be a friend for life -- or even the rest of the year -- here.  She lived in 3 different countries for 4 months each and she made friends in each place.  I apparently need to hang up my introvert shoes and get out there more.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  This might be one of those resolutions that needs to come off the list.
4.  Find a new job.  I am way to depressed.  I want a new job.  I want to move.  I just don't have the energy or organization to make it happen.  It will have to fall on my lap.  And there is a slight possibility of this (a friend is hoping for a promotion and if she gets it then she will push for me to get her current job, but with all the budget cuts who knows if this would happen).
5.  Move.  See above.  If this "lap" job does come through it will be a move - closer to where I want to be but not exactly in the same state.  And in a lot of ways, I am really okay with this.
6.  Buy my first home.  Has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  No progress on this one this month.  Even worse actually...now that we are entering therapy and my insurance sucks this will only go up.  I will need to pay for it all somehow and right now this is all I have.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Might be another one of the resolutions that needs to come off -- but really this one shouldn't be that difficult to accomplish.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- still laughing.  But I don't understand why it is impossible for me.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Success!  The one steady thing I see to be able to accomplish.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. I did it.  Okay -- technically I got her enrolled today (so wrong month) but I did all the research and prep work in March.  She is joining the Jump Rope Club.  It meets once a week at her after school program.  Hoping she likes it -- at least she seems excited about it.  She did just ask for swimming classes again.  But who has money for that?
12.  Get involved with a charity. This one might need to be another resolution that needs to be removed.  I just don't have any alone time to devote to a charity.  Maybe if I had more friends I would have more alone time?  Could it be that these resolutions are connected together?
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.  But I want to.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Nope.
15.  Start a 529 account.  Not yet.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Just to gross you out -- nope.  Most of the house got done.  Over moments of the month.  I guess the only places that really didn't are 2 of the 2.5 bathrooms that we have.  Okay, that grosses me out -- guess I will be taking care of that tonight.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  I really need to get this one under control. This is turning into a priority for me.  Now if only I could get Ladybug to join in on my commitment.  Maybe she doesn't like my cooking?
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  This one needs to be removed.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  This still needs to wait until #1 is under control.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  I refuse to do this one.  I refuse to feel bad about it.  I wash the clothes.  I don't wear dirty clothes.  I am not a bad person or a bad mother because I am late at folding the clothes.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  Did lots of new pics of Ladybug this month.
22.  Pay all bills on time. Did better but there is still room for improvement.  Fingers crossed for this month.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Overall good on this one.  I mean, I had some sodas but not because I was trying to pour caffeine into my body.

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama