Mercy

I recently watched a documentary on youtube.  I was surprised to find a full length film on youtube.  And in the Ethiopian Adoption World it is making an impact.  The movie is Mercy Mercy.  It is a film about a dutch couple who adopts 2 children from Ethiopia.  And it is so much more than that.

It took me some time to process it.  Not that I really have.  But by the time I started processing it, other people had started talking about it.  And that started arguments. Or at least it made me want to argue.

Spoilers are likely below so ...

I was surprised at how quickly adoptive parents jumped on the adoptive parents in the movie.  They were terrible parents. They were clueless.  They should never have children.  And apparently they even received death threats.  Seriously.  Death threats???

You know what I saw when I looked at these adoptive parents?  Me!  Really.  I saw parents who wanted to do the right thing and got really bad advice.  I saw frustration and desperation and dissolution.  They became exhausted and everything they did was wrong and they felt lost.  They loved her but they couldn't understand that maybe love wasn't enough.

You know what I saw when I looked at the daughter?  Ladybug!  Really.  I saw the expressions on her face and thought "I have seen that before."  I have seen every last one of them in the eyes of my own daughter looking back up at me.  Granted -- not in a while.  But once you have a child with attachment looking at you it is burned into your memory and you will never forget it. 

I was not any better than these parents.  I was lucky.  I was ready to let someone take her from me.  But I got lucky.  I got help.  A little at a time.  I didn't make the decision that I couldn't parent her.  But I could have.  I can not judge these parents.  I mean, my heart breaks.  For the parents.  For the child. 

And I haven't even gotten to the biological parents.  All I can say is that I truly hope that Ladybug's parents were not treated that way.  I hope that nobody lied to them or made them promises that they knew they wouldn't keep.

Okay, now that I have painted such a lovely picture of the film, go watch it.

Mean Mama

Some things you don't see coming

My mom came to visit this weekend.  Ladybug had a skating show and she came to see it.  But after dinner on Friday night she hit me with some huge news.

The first thing was that she had lost her job.  This is huge.  As a single woman I know that not having a job would send me into panic mode.  No job?  No income?  How?  She was a case manager at a hospital in her small remote town.  The reality is that she was really good at her job.  But she is not a multi-tasker.  This means while she did a great job with everything she touched, she did not do everything that was expected of her.  But instead of getting fired, she was offered early retirement. 

Still, no income is not good.  How is she going to pay her bills?  Her mortgage?  Well that was a second huge news thing.  One of her best friends recently inherited one million dollars and decided to help some of her friends.  So she paid off my mom's entire mortgage.  House is bought and paid for.  Wow!  I really need a few friends like that.  I really need to own a house.  But since I rent I guess that is not really possible right now.

But neither of those things is the big news.  So as I am sitting there stunned and worried and wondering what the plan is.  And I don't even know if I could help.  And then she dropped the bomb.

My mom has decided to become a nun.  A NUN!  My mom?  Have I mentioned that I am an Atheist?

She is going to sell everything?  Move into a convent?  And be a nun?

And she wants me to visit the convent with her.

Yeah, I did not see that one coming.

Mean Mama

Update 2

Happier:
I really need to figure out how to measure this.  Still feeling like prozac could be a good idea.  Haven't found a doctor yet.

Healthier:
1. I gained.  It is sad.  I gained about 5 pounds by mid month.  This morning I was down just over one pound from my highest of the month.  So that makes this a month of gaining.  I really need my hypothyroid meds.  Ladybug maintained this month.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications -- although I did forget to give her one dose.  I am less consistent about taking mine.  I just forget to take them sometimes.  I need to be better.
3.  I decided that I would stop using the elevator and walk the stairs.  In my "southern" office my office in on the second floor.  But I enter through the basement entrance.  And for some reason there are 2 first floors.  In my "northern" office my office in on the second floor and I enter through the basement.  But this time there is only one first floor.  I also decided to walk on errands.  I mean, it is a small town.  I can walk up the hill to the post office at lunch.  Huff. Puff.  Heart if beating out of my chest.  Please remember that I live in a mountain town.  This means it takes some serious leg muscles to walk 5 blocks straight up hill.  Heavy breathing.  I have also decided that while Ladybug is in the shower every night I will use my mini-stepper. I figured I would do it to muscle exhaustion.  Which is only about 3 minutes right now.  And I also only started it on the 26th. But 3 days is better than none.  Right???
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.  Mostly only have water and tea.  Just not enough of the water.
5.  Doing so much better at eating whole foods.  Crocking again.  Pulled pork sandwiches.  Asian chicken wings.  Pork chops.  Pot roast.  Meat loaf. 
6.  Ladybug is still waiting for her sleep study.  I called to see what the hold up was.  They are still waiting.  Her therapist isn't sure she needs it.  Her sleep is all about anxiety -- associated with me. I saw the eye doctor.  First time in about 15 years -- although I told the doctor is was about 10.  I knew my eyes were changing.  I have a hard time reading.  But he was more concerned about my distance vision.  So in the end I went from no glasses to order multi-focal progressive lenses.  They have been ordered but they have not yet arrived.  I made an appointment for Ladybug to see the dentist but there earliest appointment was for April.
7.  I go to bed between 9 and 10 most nights.  But I sleep like crap.  And it is not all Ladybug's fault.  I really wish I could sleep like I did when I was younger.
8.  No flossing.  Well, not a lot.  Might as well be none.  But will Ladybug's up-coming dentist appointment maybe I can scare her into doing a better job.

Wealthier:
Complete success here, again.  I have deposited $50 into my savings -- which is just slightly below where I should be at week 22.  Ahead of the game!  I also deposited $100 into Ladybug's CD account.   I also deposited $20 into her regular savings account.  That makes a total of $305, which is great since I was only suppose to save $137.80 for the entire year.  So anything I deposit from here on in is paying back the money I took from her when we moved.  Way ahead of the game!

Wiser:
Did I learn anything this month?  I learned that when one of the supervisor's at one of my offices goes on vacation, all the other people in the office get a whole lot nicer.  She should take more vacations.  I learned that pretty much nothing will make me get birthday presents done and mailed on time.  I was late for my mother's.  I was late for my father's.  And it drives my step mom insane.  I have accepted it.  I have learned that one of the most compelling reasons for not putting up xmas decorations is that I can't seem to take them down in any reasonable time.  The decorations are down now but the really dead tree in still in the house.

I think that about sums up February.

Mean Mama

Not even sure what to call this.

Apparently February is attachment month.

We came home from our weekend at my parent's on Monday night in time for Ladybug to get into a shower and crawl in bed.  I unpacked and did a few chores while she was in the shower.  After a few minutes I heard a thud and went into the bathroom.

I pulled back the shower curtain and I found her in the fetal position in the tub with the shower still running.  And she was sobbing.  Not the fake "I want attention" type sobbing.  But the "I can't control my breathing" type sobbing.

Me: Honey, what is wrong?  Are you hurt?  What happened?
Ladybug:  I... don't... want... to die!
Me:  What? (What did I miss?)
Ladybug: I don't want to die.
Me: You are not dying.  Honey, what is this about?
Ladybug:  But I don't ever want to die.  I don't want to die now and I don't want to die what I am old.
Me: (Shit!  What is the right thing to say here?  Where is that damn manual for raising children?)  Honey, you are not dying.  You have a long life ahead of you.  You are going to go to college, and have a wonderful job, and fall in love, and have babies.  You do not need to worry about dying.


Now I am worried if she doesn't do all those things.  Did I just promise those things to her?  Will I have lied if they don't come true?

Mean Mama

The more things change...

So Ladybug has been fabulous in school.  One of the support teachers came to my office the other day -- for a meeting about a client -- and let me know how impressed everybody is with her complete turn around.  Not one bad day.

But when I picked her up today at the after school program, the worker let me know that she was all attitude today.  She seemed fine by the time I got there.

But then I made a mistake.

I took her to her skating lesson tonight.  But I forgot to wear a sweater.  I wore a jacket but I was too cold still.  I just was not in the mood to be cold.  I am so over winter.  So instead of sitting on the freezing cold bleachers, I went into the cafe and watched from a warm room with a window.  Worked for me.

After skating I was helping her take her skates off when a little approached me and asked if I was Ladybug's mom.  Great!  Another conversation about how a white mama has a black daughter.  But I kept a smile on my face and answered nicely that yes I was.  At which point she announced to me that Ladybug had been mean to her during the lessons.  Her mother was mortified and dragged her off -- and made her apologize a few minutes later for telling on Ladybug.

I tried having a conversation with Ladybug about it.  She cried.  I tried to point it wasn't about the girl telling on her but about her being mean.  She cried.  I tried to ask why she had done it.  She cried.  I tried to come up with a behavioral plan that could help.  She cried.

And then a light went on in my head. 

We were driving home when it hit me. 

Me: Are you being mean because you were scared?
Ladybug: NO!
Me: You were afraid or scared?
Ladybug: Of what?
Me: Because you couldn't see me while you were at your lesson.
Ladybug: Maybe.
Me: Were you scared that I had left?
Ladybug: Yea.
Me: And that I wasn't ever coming back for you?
Ladybug: Yep.
Me: So you thought because your couldn't see me that I was gone forever?
Ladybug: Yes.
Me: If I were to leave, I would always come back for you.  I would never leave you.  I will always be your mother.
Ladybug: But you haven't always been my mother.
Me: True.  But since the day you came home with me I have been your mother.  And from that day forever forward, I will always be your mother.  Can you trust that?
Ladybug: I don't know.

Yep.  There it is.  Attachment.

Mean Mama

I need help

Really!

I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  I know a million or so other females say that.  Okay, not my entire life.  I was 6 pounds 8 ounces at birth.  That's not bad.  But it went down hill from there.

I need to change it. 

It was under control all through high school.  With a lot of work.  From me.  From my parents. 

It was under control when I was a runner.  With a lot of work.  I ran an average of 30 miles a week and I managed to stay around the 150 mark.

I would kill to be around the 150 mark again.

I am no where near that at this point.  I think it is a large part of my depression at this point.

But I have no inner motivation to get it done.  I need someone else to do it for me.  Apparently.

Help me!

Mean Mama

A better year ... 1st update

I know I am a little delayed in January's update.  It has been a rough week -- and it is only Tuesday.  So here it is ... late.

Happier: 
I don't know.  I mean, I know... but I don't.  Ladybug is happier.  Meds are working.  Report was fantastic.  I am no longer on speed dial at the school.  Things are good.  She is doing so much better.  But... I am not happy.  I should be.  But I am not.  I might need Prozac.  I really need to figure out how I plan to measure this.

Healthier:
1. I lost 2.6 pounds.  Not great but still in the right direction.  Ladybug lost a pound... and with the meds she has also lost her appetite.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications.  She is now on Guanfacine and Iron and Vitamin C.  It is going well so far.  I am less consistent about taking mine.  I am taking potassium, multi-vitamin, glucosamine and chondroitin, pepcid, ibuprofin, and should be luvoxyl.  I have all but the luvoxyl.  I just forget to take them sometimes.  I need to be better.
3. Absolutely no regular exercise.  Random.  Not enough.  Poor quality.
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.  Mostly only have water and tea.  Just not enough of the water.
5.  Eat more whole foods and less processed foods.  But I really need to do better.  If I could crock more I think it would be better.  And if I could get Ladybug on board.
6.  Go to the doctors.  Ladybug had first appointment for her sleep study.  We are waiting for insurance approval before we can proceed.  She saw her ped regarding med update.  She went to eye doctor and got glasses.  I saw none.
7.  I think I got really good sleep most nights.  Not all.  But typically I was in bed by 9 or 10 pm.  That is pretty good.
8.  Floss regularly...  I definitely could improve with this.  I am flossing maybe 3-4 times a week.  Not great considering I should be doing it 2 times a day.  But I have managed to get Ladybug to do it a few times a week also.

Wealthier:
Complete success here.  I set up a savings account for me.  I have deposited $200 into it -- which is just slightly above where I should be at week 19.  Ahead of the game!  I also opened 2 accounts for Ladybug.  The first one is a CD in which I deposited $100.  The second is a regular savings account and I deposited $85.  That makes a total of $185, which is great since I was only suppose to save $137.80 for the entire year.  So anything I deposit from here on in is paying back the money I took from her when we moved.  Way ahead of the game!

Wiser:
One of the things that I struggle with, and really shouldn't, is paying bills on time.  I mean, how simple would it be to get a bill and pay it?  Sounds simple enough.  But I don't.  No reason.  No excuse.  Just doesn't happen.  And I don't have anybody to back me up and make sure it gets done.  So I decided that I needed to create a system so that I stay on top of my finances.  So I bought a binder and pocket folders to go in it.  I set up a folder for each bill and put a due date on it.  I then stole budget sheet from a friend and created a way to track my monthly financial obligations.  I neglected to pay 2 bills in January on time.  All others were paid.  Hoping this continue through the year.

Mean Mama

Wiser

My monthly new year's resolutions are getting more and more vague with each definition.

How can I measure being wiser?  I don't know.  So maybe just figuring that out will count?

So maybe I make it simple?

Each month I need to learn something new.  I need to do a little research.  Expand my horizons.  And share it here.

I wonder what will count?

Stay turned... first update is in just a few days.  It will be a surprise to all of us.

Mean Mama

Upping the dose

Bout 2 weeks ago I got a call from the school.  It had not been long enough since I had stopped receiving phone calls from the school that it sent panic through me.  And my panic was warranted.  It wasn't anything really bad but someone from student support wanted me to know that Ladybug was having a rough day.

Oh crap!

I knew we were at the beginning of a downward spiral.  For the most part she was holding it together.  At school.  But home was getting rough.  Attitude!  Angry.  Defiant. 

But I already had a med check-up scheduled so I just held my breath and hoped we made it to the check-up before one of us had a melt down.  It was going to be close.

Monday we had the med check-up.  I had already decided I was going to ask for an increase in her dose.  The med worked for a couple of weeks.  Maybe now her body had just gotten use to it and was no longer at a therapeutic level?  Hopefully.

He was not convinced.  He stated the med does not alter her mood.  Says who?  Either way, I was not backing down.  I want those meds!  He allowed me to increase her meds. 

And 48 hours later my sweet, loving, nice girl is back.  I increase it a little more tomorrow.  She is going from .5 mg twice a day to 1 mg twice a day.  It is not a ton.  But hoping it is enough.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Mean Mama

Healthier

Back to the new year's resolution...

Determining the "healthier" part of this is hard then the "wealthier" part. I also don't want to determine healthy as just weight loss.  So after some thought I have decided to create a list of things that could mean I am doing things in a healthier way.

1. Weight loss for me and no weight gain for Ladybug.
2.  Taking all required medications and supplements.  Her list is small... my list is currently a little ridiculous.
3.  Getting some regular exercise.
4.  Drink more water.  Drink less of anything else.
5.  Eat more whole foods and less processed foods.
6.  Go to the doctors.  Ladybug still needs to do her sleep study and go to a dentist.  I need a general doctor, dentist, and eye doctor.
7.  Get sufficient sleep.
8.  Floss regularly.

I guess that about covers it.  If I can do these things then I think we are on our way to healthier lives.

Mean Mama