Monday, June 21, 2010

conversations recycled

Ladybug and I sat down to dinner today. It was a hap-hazard dinner. Thrown together quickly. I was starving because I had finally decided to get back on my diet and stick to it with no cheating. And this was our conversation:

Me: So what did you do today?
Ladybug: Well... I broke up with J today.
Me: ........ (yeah, I got nothing, no idea how to respond to that. She is 5!)
Ladybug: I did mom. It's for real.
Me: You broke up with J today?
Ladybug: Yeah, so now he is going to marry D.
Me: (yep this was the conversation I was thinking we were having). Okay.
Ladybug: But D doesn't want to marry J.
Me: What do you mean by "broke up"? (Oh geez! I just turned into my father! I swear he asked me the same thing when I was 13. But I was 13! And I am pretty sure I gave him some look that clearly stated that he was an idiot for not knowing what "broke up" meant.)
Ladybug: I BROKE UP with him. (Yep, that is the look I gave my father many moons ago.)
Me: Okay. But what does that mean to you? (Seriously not trying to be judgmental but really trying to understand the language. Is she speaking English? She can't be speaking English! She is 5!)
Ladybug: It means we are no longer going to get married. It means he loves D now.
Me: Okay.
Ladybug: But it is okay. We are still friends.
Me: Okay.
Ladybug: And D likes me better than J anyway.
Me: Okay. So did you learn anything new? (Because I sure did!)

Mean Mama

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Packing...

I move in 10 days. 10 days!!

And this is what my dining room looks like right now.
I know it doesn't look like I have done much. Or that I am ready. But I am feeling like I am making good progress. Keep in mind that I just moved here 9 months ago. So I weeded out a ton of things within the last year. And my mom's new garage is full of things of mine that have moved -- even though I have not.

The things that are packed:
Everything in Ladybug's closet -- except for the clothes she needs for the next 10 days.
ALL of her toys.
All of the arts and crafts.
All my files.
Everything in and on my desk.
All knick knacks.
Everything in my closet -- except for the clothes I need for the next 10 days.
Everything in the hall closet -- except vacuum and steam cleaner.
1/2 the kitchen.

I am almost out of boxes. Need to find more. Ran out of tape (twice) but bought more today.


What needs to be packed:
2 bathrooms
1/2 the kitchen
movies
Ladybug's dresser
my dresser
linens

10 day! Piece of cake.

Mean Mama

Commercials

I tend to ignore commercials. I personally think that food commercials should be outlawed. Cigarette commercials were outlawed because they did not want to encourage people to do such an unhealthy thing. Do we really need to be encouraging people to eat? Do you forget? I DON'T! I need to be encouraged NOT to eat.

But in celebration of Father's Day Wendy's has broken out their newest commercial (or maybe it is old and being recycled and I just never saw it before). It is simple. And sweet. And touched my heart. And made me cry.

Someone carrying a tray of 4 frosties. Voice over says, "What is your favorite frosty?" Person with the frosty tray sits down at a table with 2 kids and a woman. Voice over says, "The first one you share with your new adoptive family." It is obviously an older child, sibling, transracial adoption. Good job Wendy's!!!

It got me in the door today. We went for father's day -- yes I am aware I am a single mother. We got cheese burgers and chocolate frosties. We ordered strawberry ones but we were handed chocolate ones. And I didn't even bitch. Because they support my life choices and beliefs. That will earn you a lot of points in my book.

Blew the diet for the day (but last 2 days were great) but it was worth it.

Mean Mama

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

a moment in time...

There will always be moments in our lives that we remember. Moments that move us... change us... impact our lives.

My first of such moments came 36 years ago -- this week.

I was 5.5 years old. I walked up to the community pool with my 2 older sisters and some neighbor kids. We played. We splashed. We went down the slides. And after a day in the sun we went to a neighbor's house for some TV. It amazes me that at 5.5 years old I was allowed to do this without adult supervision. My older sisters were 7 and 10. Ladybug is 5.5 years old. The exact same age I was at that time. I haven't even decided if she will have any unsupervised time prior to going away to college.

So why does this day stick in my mind as life altering? I think I can say that it is easily the day in my life that has impacted my life the most. It changed everything. My life had been cruising along on one path and it was instantly thrown onto another. You see, as I played in the water and sun and had the carefree life of a child that day... my father died.

He died in an accident at work. With a co-worker. The irony of the situation is that he was not somebody who was good at keeping a job. He hadn't been at the job for long. It was an accident. But, none the less, he died.

This is the single event that led to ... my life. It was the event that led to me being placed in foster care. It is the event that led to me being separated from 5 of my 6 siblings. It is the event that led me to being placed for adoption. And each one of those changes eventually led me to ... me. To being an opinionated, passionate, independent, single, working mother. This event led me to Ladybug. I am sure I would be none of those things if that event had not happened.

Who knew that a single event could be the turning point? And yes, these are all MY memories. It reminds me that even though she is only 5.5 years old she will remember things years from now. And it makes me wonder what event will be her turning point.

Mean Mama

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

language barriers

A few months ago I had to have a new hard drive installed in my laptop. It is not atypical for me to need some expert to look at my computer. I don't have good luck with computers. I get viruses. Programs do things on their own. I even had one spontaneously combust. Not joking. I knew it was on it's way out but as I sat with it on my lap smoke started pouring out of it. As a result, most of my friends are smart enough to not let me touch their computers.

This gives you an idea as to the level of computer expertise in my office since when something goes wrong with a computer their they all come to me for help. And they keep coming even though I usually cannot solve the problem.

After the hard drive was installed I needed to reinstall my Microsoft Office. I looked everywhere for that disk. I tore apart closets. I looked in the filing cabinet. It was no where. If I am lucky (which I tend not to be) it was packed away and in storage. But all the stuff got moved with my mom. So if I still have it (which I do not promise is this case) it is 700 miles away.

I need WORD! I need to be able to open my resume and cover letters -- if I ever find another job to apply for. So I called Dell. I asked if they could send me a replacement disk. And to my surprise they said yes. Maybe my luck is changing. And they said they were sending it for free. I like Dell. And my luck is definitely changing.

I waited 48 hours and the disks came today. Yippeeeeee! So after the child was in bed I set up the computer so I could install it. It was only at that point that I realized that they did not send me a replacement disk for Microsoft Office. They sent me a replacement disk for Windows XP operating system. I don't need that!!! Did I not say the right thing? Word. Operating System. They sound different to me.

I don't want to buy it. I want them to send it to me. I called Dell. At 9:44pm. And I waited on hold. And waited....and waited... and waited. At 10pm I get an automated message telling me to call during business hours. I DID!!! You were open when I dialed. You were open while I waited. How can you hang up on me while I am holding? At least finish the calls that are waiting. How rude!

Mean Mama

Monday, June 14, 2010

Just one question

Not to get too personal but...

Why do bras have adjustable shoulder straps? No, I am serious!

Okay, in reality I know. We are not all made into the same shape so we need adjustable straps so that bras fit many women. I get it. So then why can't we have "adjustable" straps that we can lock into place?

As you can tell from photos posted a few weeks ago, I am a not a small busted woman. Even if I were rail thin I would still not be one of the people who had tiny perky boobs. BUSTY! I will never again wear a tube top. I will never go out in public without a bra. As a matter of fact when I am visiting people I will put a bra on first thing in the morning (under my pajamas) before venturing out of the room. I need a bra. Gravity has become an issue. My breast appear to be having a race to see which one can reach the floor first - the left one appears to be winning.

So the problem with the adjustable straps is that -- well -- they adjust. I adjust them in the morning. I shorten them. I do not have big shoulders. I make them as short as possible. And I put the bra on. I arrange the girls so that they look perky -- stretching the imagination but just go with it. I feel confident. Currently I need this extra confidence boost right now because I want my waist to look smaller then my bust line.

But as the day wears on, the straps adjust themselves. The slowly lengthen. Because I can not lock the "adjustable" straps. And my boobs weigh down on the bra and pull the straps. And my breast begin their race toward the floor again.

I want a bra that can hold my girls up all day without those straps adjusting themselves. And I want the bra to be comfortable. Is that asking too much?

Mean Mama

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The theater

My boss (big boss) has season tickets to the theater. I normally would not be aware of this except that one of my jobs is to keep his calendar. So I need to make sure that he doesn't have anything scheduled late on theater days. But it is such a minor part of my job that I don't even notice it any more.

Last week I got a surprise. Big boss is also married to a lawyer. And she is was in trial last week -- apparently her paralegal doesn't keep track of her schedule as well as I do. Big boss didn't want to go to the theater by himself. Which I understand -- being single. So he gave me the tickets. GAVE ME THE TICKETS! Orchestra. Center. Fabulous seats. Oh, and a free parking pass. Parking is not a huge headache but it was so nice to drive right up and be let into the garage. Without paying. This is not my life -- but I am willing to play the part for a night.

A few weeks ago I accidentally took Ladybug to a ballet. I know that sounds strange. How do I accidentally take Ladybug to a ballet? I thought I was taking her to a play. It was only once we were seated that I realized it was a ballet. It went okay but not great. So I was scared to take her to the play. But it was Beauty and the Beast. I had to take her. A play had to be better then a ballet for a 5 year old.

We rushed home from work/school and ate a quick dinner. Okay, I cajoled, and begged and threatened until she choked down a few bites of dinner. She was so excited. Then I threw a fancy dress on her -- with sparkly blue butterflies. Then she threw on her new (to her) dress up shoes. I knew this was going to be a mistake. But I won the dinner battle (kind of) so I let her win the shoe battle. I asked her to go to the bathroom. She ran to her bathroom and came out about 5 seconds later. "Ah! No!" I told her she didn't even flush the potty. So she ran back into her bathroom and flushed the toilet. NO! So I made her sit on my potty in front of me. I am not going to get up in the middle of the play to take her to the potty. I AM NOT!

She spent the first half of the play sitting on the edge of her seat or sitting on my lap. Of course she asked questions through the entire thing. She has only seen the movie 1,000 times. I may not be exaggerating when I say that. How does she need any explanation? First half is over and she wants a drink. No surprise with all that talking! So we head out to the lobby. We get a soda and a brownie. $6! Where else would I spend $6 for that? But no complaining since the rest of the night is free. By the time we get the drink and brownie the announcement comes that the second act starts in less then 5 minutes. So we head back in to the theater. We get to our row and Ladybug looks at me and says, "Mama I need to go potty!"

Did ya see that one coming?

NO NO NO NO NO! I am not going to the potty! What is this girl's fascination with public bathrooms. But do I really have a choice? No. You do not mess with a 5 year old and her potty. So we rush out. All that is going through my head is that I have purposely developed a large bladder over many years so that I do not have to stand in the ridiculous lines of the women's bathroom. Why does every woman need to go to the bathroom at an event? But we have arrived so late that we breeze in, take care of business, and breeze out. We rush back to our seats with just a little time to spare. Of course we are in the center so everybody in the row had to stand up to let us through.

The second half was just as fabulous as the first. And when it was all said and done Ladybug sat on the the edge of her seat bouncing and clapping in excitement. I think it was a hit.

As we were leaving we got behind a double date. At least I think it was a double date. The girls were wearing high heels that were at least 6 inches high. Again, I may not be exaggerating. As we exited the building and I was staring at the feet of these girls in amazement (how do women walk in those) Ladybug informs me that her feet hurt. Oh why did I let her win the shoe battle? And her dress shoes are flats. I can not longer carry her 2 blocks to the parking garage. She is no tiny little thing anymore. So being the bad mama that I am, I took her shoes off and let her walk barefoot. Kind of gross but so much more pleasant then hearing her whine.

Mean Mama

Monday, June 7, 2010

Patience

Apparently I need to work on my patience. Especially with Ladybug.

The other day I drove up to her daycare to drop her off for the day. I am not a morning person. I barely notice things. And unless it is prepared the night before or it is routine, there is little hope that anything will get done. And now that I have given up all caffeine -- the diet -- there is little chance of me coherent in the mornings. Make you feel good knowing that I could possibly be driving on a road near you?

Anyway, I drove up to the daycare and parked. I noticed a woman standing next to her car with the back door open. I noticed her because she was wearing really really high heels. If my heels are over an inch I can promise that my feet will be aching by the time I get out to the car. What kind of job can you possibly work at that it is appropriate to wear such high heels? Okay, the secretary at my office wears them too but ... well she is a different story.

So I get out of the car and get Ladybug out. We enter the code to the door lock and go inside. I walk her to her class and sign her in. I chat with her teacher for a few minutes. I love her teacher. She gets Ladybug and yet adores her at the same time. And then I realize that I have forgotten Ladybug's milk in the car (she is lactose intolerant so I bring special milk for her to the school). I told you that I can't remember anything in the mornings unless it is routine. So I head out to the car to get the milk. This woman is still standing by the car with the back door open. I can now see that her son is in the back seat doing something. Not sure what. I grab the milk and head back inside. I find the cook and give her the milk. We then get into a short conversation because she is curious as to what I might be doing to Ladybug's hair for graduation. I have to come up with a hairdo that will fit under the graduation cap.

But alas, work is waiting for me so I start to walk out the door of the daycare center. The woman has closed her door and is now walking into the daycare center with her son. I went into the building twice. I had 2 conversations. And she stood at the car door waiting for her son. I would have freaked. I would have been dragging Ladybug out of the car. I would have walked into the daycare without her (she knows the code). I need to work on my patience because that woman must be a saint.

Mean Mama

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Hair Chronicle

Ladybug has been home for almost 4 years now. I can't even fathom how incredibly niave I was before she came home. I remember saying that I hoped she had loose curls because I had no real idea how to deal with really curly hair. I had had enough exposure to African hair to know that it was not the same as mine. I love my hair -- but one of the things I love most about it was that it takes me about 5 seconds every morning to deal with it. I had NOOOOOOOO idea just how much care her hair would take. Ignorance is bliss -- I guess.
Right before Ladybug came home her head was shaved. So for about 9 months I would comb, spray, and throw a head band on it. The head band would be off by the time I picked her up but she looked good when she went to school. But eventually it became obvious to me that it was time to learn how to do hair.



Above is one of my first attempts at doing something with her hair. So many mistakes.... Notice the big scrunchies. I didn't want to use rubber bands because I know what they do to my hair. But obviously it didn't look right. And on top of that, I had not yet learned that parting is one of the most important things in any hairstyle. I didn't even try.



In the picture above I had learned the importance of parting! I didn't quite have the skills at doing it yet but at least I was trying. And I tried much smaller hair ties.



In the picture above I got brave enough to start being creative. This is a veil - little ponytails that are split and pulled back to the next ponytail. As you can see, once I got to the back row I didn't know what to do with the last ponytail so I just let them stick up. Her hair was also at a stage that when I combed it out I could twist it around my finger and it would form a ringlet that would just stay.



In the picture above I found my new favorite part pattern. It looked so cool from above. But as you can see, I still wasn't very good at finding the center of her head.




By this time I did the picture above, her hair was beginning to get to long to do the coil puffs. If you could see the photo from the front you would see that she looked a little like Medusa. The problem with this is that even though we live in a diverse area, we stick out. White woman, African child. And I was beginning to get looks that said, "She needs to learn how to do hair." And I agreed.




So in the photo above you can see my first attempt at cornrows. I had decided that I needed to keep Ladybug's hair short or I needed to learn to braid. Luckily I had a local friend who was also the adoptive mom of a girl of African descent. I spent the afternoon with her one day and she showed me technique. Seeing and doing are to different things. I kept looking at this and thinking, "My poor girl!"




So as you can see from above, I went back to my coil puffs. But I tried coiling the back this time instead of leaving it in the afro style.




But eventually I decided that I needed to give braiding another chance. In the photo above I not only managed to do decent cornrows (I followed her around for hours with the camera taking picture after picture since I was so proud of myself) but I finally managed to get beads on too. What I didn't realize is that it was also the beginning of Ladybug's love affair with beads.



I loved loved loved this hairstyle. All of a sudden the idea of cornrowing just clicked with me. All of a sudden I knew I could do it. And did it. The tricky thing though was cornrowing up the back of the head. I could not figure out (and still haven't) how to do it without standing on my head. Okay, not really (mostly because I am not capable of standing on my head) but I literally have to lean over her from the front and braid up the head. So even though I love this style, my back can't take me doing it very often.




And then I discovered box braids. Part out small boxes of hair and braid. Regular braids. Not tricky at all. And this was also the start of getting creative with beads. I spent many trips to the local black beauty supply shops (which are all run by Asians, curiously) buying many many beads. Colors. Shapes. Material. I kept buying.




Oh and more box braid with bead fun. Mixing colors. And her hair was at a perfect length. As the braids hung down they framed her face. And the beads did not get in her face. I also appreciated the length because it meant each braid took only a few minutes to do. Since Ladybug has tolerated only 1 hair cut since coming home her hair is getting really long. She started enjoying hair time because it meant it was movie time for me. It was around this time that I starting looking up from her hair as I braided and actually got to see the scenes of The Lion King instead of just hearing it.




The style above had intended to be an easy style. Three asymmetrical puffs that were later braided. Who knew that these braids would take so much time to complete??




I loved the style above. It was still the same box braids as described above but I love loved loved the bead design in this. And my relatives began to appreciate the beads too. They became the cow bell of Ladybug. The clickity-click allowed them to know she was coming so if they wanted to run and hide they could. The problem that I discovered at this point is that all those wonderful cheap beads is that they break as the hit against each other. I began to find beads everywhere. There was easily 100 braids on her head with 9 beads on each braid.




More bead design - and learning to put the box braids up so that one style could look different every day. This was also about the time I started getting feedback from some of the parents in her school saying that lots of beads was ghetto and that I should not put so many in her head. I looked around and realized that not many kids wore beads. But it didn't matter. She loved them. And she wanted them. So I continued.




Then one day I woke up and decided that I would do the mohawk. Was I insane? I was so completely proud of myself when it was done. Just look at it!




And then I cheated by just changing out the beads and leaving the braids. Made it look like an entirely new style without a fraction of the work. Keep in mind that this style easily took me about 6 hours to complete -- over a weekend. With that kind of time investment I was keeping it for a while.




The box braids started to become my "go to" style. Easy. Time consuming. Lasts forever -- they can easily stay in about 4 weeks. But each time I do it I forget that it takes just as long got take them out as to put them in. I hate taking out a style. All my hard work getting destroyed.




Since the box braids were a lot of work I decided to return to doing more cornrows. They don't last as long but they don't take as much time to put in or take out as all those box braids. And I began to really like one color of beads. Unfortunately Ladybug disagreed with me.




Oh, the rare puff picture. I love puffs. So easy -- and she has lovely curls. But Ladybug hates puffs. She pretty much refuses to allow me to do them (can you tell who runs this house?). And now her hair is so long that puffs are beginning to look silly.




The above photo does not really show the twists, but this was when I finally learned to do a tight twist. And bonus - they are quick to put in and quick to take out.




Nothing new here but I just love this photo since I managed to match her bead pattern to the waves.




Ladybug fell in love with this style. Cornrows down the back and cornrows sweeping over the top of her head. Simple. Fast. Keeps most of if out of her face. She keeps asking me to do it again. And it might need to be on my "to do" list soon.




More sweeping cornrows. And I finally found her beloved purple beads!





Please note is the photo above that I manage to find yellow beads to match the new Tae Kwon Do belt she was testing for. And she earned it.




And another more mature (and my skills have improved) version of the veil style. This hairdo wasn't completed but I could not find a good photo of it. The back of the hair was finished by doing hanging twists and pulling them all into a ponytail. So cute!





This one turned out a mess. It looked so good -- in my imagination. It was simple box braids that I then gathered into 2 french braids. I think it would have worked better without beads. Hmmm!! Maybe I should try it without beads? Quick! Someone talk me out of planning another micro box braid do.





Some days I cheat. Massive box braids. And not even any beads. But you pay for it in the long run. This style will only last 3 or 4 days. I like the styles that last longer.






This is the style Ladybug is currently sporting. I stole it from a wonderful video online. I figured I could do it. It is just cornrows. A double halo around her head. Much drama over the weekend trying to get these end. She had no tolerance for experimenting. I did eventually split out the ponytail into individual braids. It is cute but not very good.



What ladybug doesn't know is that at the moment I am planning on straightening her hair next week. Don't yell!! I will just be using a flat iron. I have let her know that I had to be 18 before I was allowed to get my first perm and she must too. She loves straight hair so I thought I would give her a chance to experience it.

If you have any inspirational designs please feel free to share them with me.

Mean Mama

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Visual Progress

When I started this diet I had the fore sight to take a picture of myself. I was determined to make this diet work. And I wanted the opportunity to post the "before" picture next to the "after" picture so that I could be proud of myself. And I wanted a reminder of what not to return to.

Here is the before picture. Taken on April 20th at 293.8 pounds.



Yes, I know my head is missing. Oh there is a lot of work to do on this body! (Now think back to yesterday when I said I saw several women my size in bikinis yesterday).

Since today in June 1st I decided to comment on my progress. As of today I am 273.8 pounds. Officially down 20 pounds (I had hoped to be in the 260's by today but I have stalled -- ice cream will do that to me). And happy about it. And here is the picture from this morning -- and I even had the fore sight to wear the same clothes.




Notice the difference?

Yeah, me neither. But the scale is going down. And I did change the batteries to make sure that the numbers are real.

I have decided to diet for the entire month of June. Drop as much as possible. And then take a break from it for July and summer vacation.

It turns out that Ladybug might be a fairly decent photographer -- don't you think? Speaking of which, more pics tomorrow -- this time of my Ladybug.

Mean Mama
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