Picky eater

Ladybug is a picky eater.  Really.  If it is not pizza, hamburger, chicken nuggets, chocolate, or ice cream... she is not interested.  As a matter of fact she even refused the chicken nuggets this week because I bought the wrong brand. 

But as much as I bitch about her eating habits, I think it is possible, just possible, that maybe she got it from me. 

This week one of the women at the office had a birthday.  Our secretary decided we would cook lunch for her.  I was assigned to bring bread.  The other paralegal was assigned to bring dessert.  The secretary agreed to bring lasagna and salad.  Now I realize that I should have seen the disaster in the making.  We don't like the same foods.

To her mac and cheese is a vegetable.  To her green beans should be cooked until they practically turn gray.  To her barbeque sauce is a vinegar based dipping sauce.  I do not believe any of those things.  So I should have known that I would not like the food. 

In my defense, I kept thinking, "How bad can you screw up lasagna and salad?"  Apparently I shouldn't have asked the question.

The lasagna was not good.  But it was edible.  I just didn't enjoy it.  Oh that seems wrong to say.  Lasagna is a cheesy, gooey, Italian piece of heaven.  But not the way she makes it.  She makes it with noodles, meat, and tomato sauce.  No ricotta.  No mozzarella.  No parmesan. No good sauce.  Burnt edges.  And I absolutely prefer my lasagna to be meatless.

But the real shocker was the salad.  Salad should be lettuce and veggies.  Cut them up and toss together.  Simple.  How can that get messed up?  Again, I should not have asked.

I walked into lunch and saw a beautiful glass pedestal bowl.  It was one of those huge dessert bowls that people use to show off a layered dessert.  However, in this bowl was a layered salad.  Lettuce.  Tomatoes.  Celery. Carrots.  Peas.  Salad dressing.  And bacon.  It looked pretty.  And gross at the same time.  The problems included:

1. Who puts peas (canned peas) in a salad?
2.  Salad dressing should not be a "layer" of anything.  There was as much dressing in my portion of salad as there was all the veggies combined.  It is suppose to enhance the taste.  Not over power it.
3.  The bacon was raw.  I think.  I mean, it was pink and white.  Cooked bacon is not pink and white.  I love bacon.  But I like it cooked.

I was nice.  I ate some of the lasagna and some of the salad.  I ate a lot of the bread (which I bought -- not homemade).  And I learned a lesson.  Ladybug gets it all from me.

Mean Mama

Dear Blogger

Dear Blogger,

I would just like to say....

I AM PISSED.

I did a fabulous post the other night.  I stayed up way past my bed time.  I poured my heart and soul into this post about how wonderful my daughter is doing.  I read it.  I edited it.  I was sure it was exactly how I wanted it.  And this morning I wake up to discover it is...

GONE!!!

It is not on my blog.  It is not in my drafts.  It is no where to be found.

This is a chronicle of my journey in and out of sanity -- also know as parenthood.  I am disappointed it is gone.  And I am worried.  Worried because nothing ever really disappears in the internet world.  So where is my post?  Floating around?  Landing on other people's blogs?

I have had enough lost this week.  This week I lost 3 months of billing data at work that now must be recreated.  Three months or we don't get paid.  I don't have the time or energy to recreate my post.  But I want it back.

So I will say this as nicely as I am capable of doing...

PLEASE give me back my words.

With kind regards,

Mean Mama

PS - please keep in mind I did earn my name.

What counseling is doing for us

Not too long ago I actually voiced to someone (maybe more then one person) that I was not sure I wanted to be (or could be) Ladybug's mom any more.  I felt like a bad parent.  I felt like things were getting worse.  I was sure she would be better off with someone else.  Because obviously I was not doing a good job with her.  And the worse it got ... the worse I got with her.  I was fast becoming America's Worst parent, getting closer every day.

Do you have any idea how desperate a parent must be to even be thinking "I don't want my child"?  And once I admitted that then I felt worse.  And less capable.  And more desperate.

I have always been a firm believer in having a good therapist.  Emphasis on the word "good"!  I have had some good therapist in the past.  Let's be real about this... if I had a medical issue that needed expert attention nobody would question me for seeking assistance from an expert.  Nobody would shun me if I took care of my health or the health of my child.  But there is such a stigma associated with seeking help for psychological reasons.  I am taking care of the mental of health of myself and my daughter.  I "manned up" to messing up with her.  I admitted I was clueless.  I was honest about all the things I did wrong.  Oh it is not easy to tell anybody that I had images of slapping her or giving her away.  It was not fun to think this was all my fault.  But I did it.  Because no matter how hard it was, I knew it was what was best... for her ... and for us.

So, as you are aware, I sought therapy.  And I will not apologize for it.  I will not feel bad for it.  I will not doubt that it is what was best for her.  And for me.  As they say..."If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  And in my profession I have learned -- it is all about the best interest of the child.

Today, this is what happened for us:

I pulled up to the Y to pick her up from her after school program.
I saw her outside talking to the counselor handling "rides out"
She took one look at me and turned and went back inside.  Which is not going in the right direction.
I got out of the car and talked with counselor because I knew this could not be good news.
Listening issues but nothing major.
But Ladybug wanted to turn it into a drama.
So I went inside to get her - not typical.
She kept trying to get away from the counselors as they were trying to corral her in one spot.
I finally caught up to her.
She started sobbing and wailing.  Full out drama.
I held her for a few minutes.
She calmed down.
She told me she knew I was going to be mad and she would get in trouble.
So she tried to avoid it - which typically would just be compounding the problem.
Her crime?
She took the counselors phone and tried to dial it.  She didn't give it back.
I made her apologize.
And the crisis was over.
We went home and had a good night.  Homework.  Dinner.  Card games.  Bath.  American Idol.

And that is what counseling is doing for us.  So I want to say to all those parents out there -- who likely do not have the time to read my blog -- do not feel bad about seeking the professional help that your family needs.  The disapproval of others does not hold a candle to what is happening to my family because of having this professional in my life.  So call me a bad mother... call me incapable... tell me what it is I am doing wrong... and look at the wonderful, loving, sweet, passionate, growing little girl I have and the amazing relationship we are building.  I will not feel bad about seeking the assistance we needed.

Mean Mama

the blame game

I am so frustrated with her school. 

Last summer I moved.  I moved to the town I work in.  It is a more expensive town but it is also the town with better schools.  Before I picked my place I checked out the neighborhood school.  One of the best in town.  I talked to a friend who had a daughter who went through this elementary school.  It consistently gets good grades.  It has a good reputation.  Everybody loves it.

I don't.

Take away the fact that they send home a note at least once a week asking for money or donations for something.  Take away the fact that the school counselor starting seeing Ladybug on a weekly basis without my permission.  Take away the fact that the principal has called my daughter a bully.  And I am still pissy.

Ladybug is a "bad" kid.  She has been labeled.  Oh, they will say (and have) she is perfectly normal.  They will say (and have) that she is in no need of an IEP.  And yet she is the problem.  With everything.

Last week I got an email from her teacher.  It was an email that went to me and to a parent of another child.  She stated that the other little girl (A) said to Ladybug that she was going to kill Ladybug's sister. 

Hey, it wasn't Ladybug this time!

And then the next sentence of the email stated the teacher was sure that A would not have said that to Ladybug if Ladybug had not been teasing A.  Obviously A was stressed and Ladybug pushed it too far.

Did I see this right?  A kid threatens my child and it is my child's fault?  But I did not get upset.  I mean, I don't want anything to happen to A.  Ladybug told another kid she was going to kill him earlier this year.  She got a warning home from the principal (the one when she was called a bully) but with the "zero tolerance" policy I was glad she wasn't kicked out of school.  I just emailed back saying I would discuss it with Ladybug.

So this is what really happened.  A wanted Ladybug to do something.  Ladybug refused.  A told Ladybug that if she didn't do it she would have her older sister kill Ladybug.  That took a five minute conversation with Ladybug.  Slightly different than what was reported.  I asked about the teasing.  Ladybug stated she was not teasing A.  But A said she was.  And Ladybug didn't correct it because she didn't want A to get in trouble.

Later that night I got an email from the mother of A.  And what Ladybug told me was what happened.  The mother apologized.  Her older daughter has emotional issues and says those kinds of things and it appears that the younger girl is picking it up.

But the real problem is... Ladybug gets blamed.

Then today she came home and explained she had to each lunch alone.  Why?  I am still not clear on this.  She was having a perfect day -- or so her behavior contract said.  And she bit into an orange and it sprayed another child in the face.  And she got moved. 

Really?  I am really beginning to hate her school.

Mean Mama

She's Got a Ticket to Ride

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.

Today I got to sleep until 9:45am. 

My daughter made me breakfast...toast.

We went out for lunch...which I paid for.

I ate too much ice cream.

I didn't fight with my daughter.

We had a tickle and kiss fight at bedtime.

I tried calling my mother but she somehow avoided my call despite only having a cell phone.

And I got to play mom -- cooking, laundry, dishes, food shopping, etc.

I guess it couldn't be better.

Mean Mama

Sabotage

It is a common theme when it comes to kids with attachment issues.  And yet it is still painful to watch while it is happening.  It happens.  Over and over.  But we want each time to be the last. 

Ladybug has been fabulous lately.  Good.  Wanting to please.  Loving.  Cuddly.  Ok, more like clingy but it a very loving way.  So Thursday I announced that she would be having an overnight visit with her friend B this weekend (my house).

And the sabotage began.  She turned into a whiny, demanding, angry girl.  I picked her up from the Y after school on Friday.  I greeted her with smiles and hugs.  She greeted me with demands and a complete lack of listening skills.

Mama: Hi Honey.
Ladybug:  Can we go out of dinner?
Mama: Hi Honey!
Ladybug:  I guess that means no!
Mama:  Hi Honey.
Ladybug: Hi (said in a breathless groan fashion)
Mama: Would you like a piece of gum?
Ladybug: Sure.

I had her the tub of gum (because gum seems to no longer come in a pack of 6.  She hands it back to me and I can tell immediately she has taken a lot.  So I ask out many she has taken.  There is so much in her mouth she can not be understood.  I make her hand it to me.  Her freshly chewed gum wad must have about 6 pieces in it.  I look back at her and realize that she still has gum in her mouth.  She must have only handed me half of what she took.  And we haven't even made it out of the Y parking lot yet.

We stop at the store to get milk.  We also get pizza and ice cream.  Back in the car I let her know that we did not get a new Netflix movie.  Every Monday I turn one in so every Friday she can have a new one.  I don't know what happened but this week it did not show up.  But I was not too worried.  I mean, we have a ton of movies at home so she can still have movie night.  But I announce that there is no movie and instantly ....

WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Serious sobs.  Melt down.  Over a movie.  I did not have enough sleep under my belt to deal with this.

Once we are home and she is done with her freak out I remind her that her room must be clean before B comes over.  It looks like it has been hit by a tornado.  But I give her a choice.  She can clean it before movie time.  Or she can clean it in the morning before cartoon time.  She states that she wants to clean in the morning -- not surprising.

But I am not stupid.  I know morning will come and she will want to do something other than cleaning her room.  So when I went to bed, I sabotaged the tv.  It would not turn on without me.  In general, the rule for weekends is that the tv does not go on until 8am.  This is because if I had not set that limit she would be up at 4am asking to watch tv.  At least with the 8am rule she will sleep until about 7am.

But not this morning.  This morning she woke me up at 6am.  Hyped up that B is coming (she wasn't scheduled to arrive until about 3pm).  UGH.  And she woke me up with negotiations.  "Mama, how about if I pick up 3 things now and do the rest after tv time." 

Yeah, right kid.  Good try.  I tell her to clean her room or no tv time.  Simple.  Clear.  Not open for negotiation.

At 8am she announces the tv is not working.  Oh yes, I am a smart mama.  I ask if her room is clean.  She says yes.  I tell I will be inspecting.  Is she sure?  She is.  So I go check.  And it looks better.  Like just a small tornado has hit.  I sit down.  And I simply say that there will be no tv until everything is put where it belongs.  She tells me she doesn't know where it belongs.  So I went back to bed.

That motivated her.  She whined.  And complained.  And stomped.  But she cleaned.  And then I turned on the tv.

When I got up she started right back in with the negativity.  Didn't like what I made for breakfast.  Didn't like what was on tv.  Dumped her plant on the carpet and left the dirt where it landed.  Complained about having to help with the chores. One thing after another. 

And then I broke.  I called it what it was.  I asked her if I should call B's mom and cancel.  Because this is what it appeared to me.  And I let her know one more problem and I would do exactly that.  She wanted to sabotage this play date, I was willing to grant her wish.

She turned it around.

Mean Mama

When others watch the child

I have been sitting on this post for a while and since I am tired and not very creative right now I thought it would be easy for me to do this one instead of trying to think of another topic.

A few weeks ago I let Ladybug go for an overnight.  She has been on an overnight with this family a few times.  I am aware that I have different parenting then the mom.  She is not a bad mom.  Just different.  It is hard for me to let Ladybug go on an overnight because I miss her and love her and I am sure that I am the best person to care for her.  But she loves them.  And I remind myself that I have no need or desire to be a helicopter parent.

So I let her go.  The following afternoon I called to see when I should pick her up.  But instead of getting "I miss you Mama, please come get me."  I got "I am having to much fun to go home.  Can I stay another night?"

No.
No!
NO!

But I said yes.  And I worried.  I made her promise that she would call me before she went to bed.  And then I worried all evening. How can my 6 year old have a life outside of me?  I wanted her home.  But I said she could stay.  So I worried.  But did nothing.

And I waited for her call.  And waited. And waited.  At about 10 I called.  The mom answered the phone.  "Oh, they are out at the movies."  Out?  At the movies?  Our 6 year olds are out at the movies at 10pm?  With who?  Because she is a single mom.  Don't panic.  Don't freak.  So I calmly say, "Oh.  With who?" 

"With B's cousin."  You mean her teenage cousin?  It is 10pm?  On a rainy Saturday night?  And my 6 year old is at the movies with a teenager?  Which movie theater -- because there is about 50 in this are?  Are you kidding?  Who drove?  What about car seats?

Don't freak.  Don't panic.

I ask that she have her call me when she gets back.  And I wait.  I look up every movie theater in the area.  I wonder which one.  Which movie?  But what can I do...other than wait. 

A little after 11 I call again.  Because she still hasn't called me.  My 6 year old is out at the movies with a teenage chaperon on rainy Saturday night at 11pm!

She had just came in.  She was happy and excited.  I am so so so happy to hear her voice.  I  just want to hold her.  But I don't let her know how worried I am.  I say good night.

And now, a few weeks later, I still don't like it.  Shouldn't I have been consulted about who was driving my child around?  Shouldn't I have been consulted on who she abdicated responsibility to?  Oh maybe I am a helicopter mom.

Mean Mama

Meeting Dr. Swiper

Okay her name is not really Swiper.  But Ladybug can not pronounce her name correctly and ended up calling her Dr. Swiper -- as in Dora.

Last week I met with the psychiatrist on Tuesday.  I think I already blogged about that.  Thursday I took Ladybug to meet her.  I had told her that we were meeting with the doctor so she could help us be a better family.  She had already met with our counselor so she wasn't really scared about this. 

We both went in this time.  I took a back seat -- not literally.  But I had already had my time with her.  It was Ladybug's turn.  And Dr. Swiper really started out by immediately directing her questions and comments and explanations directly to Ladybug.  After about 30 seconds Ladybug looked over at me with a questioning look.  So I just told her she could be completely honest.

Dr. Swiper asked her if there was anything we could do to make things better in our house.  She responded with, "I want chicken nuggets more."  Which is being honest.   But a little off topic.

So Dr. Swiper tried to refocus her.  "Do you and mom fight too much?"  "Do you like it when you argue at home?"  "Are you having problems at home?"

And I watched her.  And I saw her shutting down.  She was looking away from Dr. Swiper.  And away from me.  She crossed her arms.  Her voice got low.  Her answers got short.  There was a "tone" about her.  Let's face it...I watch my child all the time.  I can read her like a book -- sometimes the book is in a different language.  And I knew exactly what it was.  It was like watching the wheels turn in her head.  She was feeling like she was being blamed for everything.  She thought we were saying she was bad. 

So I interrupted it.  I wanted her to remain open.  And I got emotional.  I teared up -- I tear up at hallmark commercials.  I felt like I hadn't prepared her appropriately.  I hadn't told her not to feel bad.  I hadn't told her to not feel bad.  I hadn't told her I had already had my time with Dr. Swiper and so this was really her time -- which is why Dr. Swiper was directing everything towards her.  I felt like a bad mom.  So I interrupted.

She finally looked over at me...saw the tears in my eyes... and got angry.  Well there was a split second where she choked back a sob and then a mini explosion of anger.

I did a brief explanation.  And then I got kicked out of the session.  Well, it was time for them to spend some time together - without me.

The end result:  insecure attachment.  Likely not any true attention issues -- so no ADD or ADHD.  So depression.  Anger and rage issues possible.  Dr. Swiper said Ladybug is smart.  Really smart.  And wonderful.  And open to therapy.  She suggested not doing any medications at this time.  Therapy is the focus.  And she is confident that that is all she needs.  So we continue with therapy.

Mean Mama

Monthly update

This has been a very busy month, especially emotionally.  Given that, here is my next monthly update to my successes and failures with my new year's resolutions:

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  I actually have no idea where I stand on this.  But given the full feeling in my belly at the moment, I am going to guess I made no progress on this this month.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  When Love Is Not Enough.  Great book.  And it made me feel so glad that my child is not RAD.  Really.  There is no way I could make all the adjustments she suggests.  I take my hat off to all those who are raising children with RAD.  I also started a mystery book.  I think it is called Port Mortuary.  I am blanking on the author and too lazy to run upstairs to look.  It is a Kay Scarpetta book.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  Really thinking this might be one of those resolutions that needs to come off the list.
4.  Find a new job.  I applied for 3 jobs this month.  The one I really wanted -- and was super qualified for -- decided to hire someone else.  Without going through a hiring process.  She offered the job to someone who has no experience, no education, and no certifications in the field.  All of which I have.  The second one I interviewed for on Friday.  I liked it.  I would be interested in the job.  But I can not afford an $11,000 pay cut (it is not like I make $100,000 and can cut back on a few things.  I have not heard back from the 3rd place I submitted an application to.  But at least I got off my ass and made a few attempts this month.
5.  Move.  I was so hopeful this month.  But back to square one on this one too.
6.  Buy my first home.  Again, this one has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  Realistically I made no progress on this one.  But I am hopeful that I have just come up with a quick resolution to this one.  Just trying to hammer out the details to it.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Really looking like this one might be another one of the resolutions that needs to come off -- but really this one shouldn't be that difficult to accomplish.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  I made some serious progress on this one.  Immediately following spring break I committed to going to bed no later than 11pm each night.  And for the most part I have.  And since my alarm goes off at 7:30am and I roll out of bed at 8am, this is good.  Honestly, there were a few nights the tiny gerbil wheels in my head were spinning too much and I just could not get myself to bed.  But I am not letting the internet and TV be the reason I am sleep deprived.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Another successful month.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. She has been going to Jump Rope Club this month.  And her first competition is in a few weeks.  I also signed her up for summer camp which includes swimming every single day.  She is super excited.  I am freaking out about all that chlorine in her hair.  She has a swim cap but will she wear it when I am not there to harass her about it?
12.  Get involved with a charity. I decided to take a new approach with this.  In the past when I got involved with volunteering I was making a commitment for years.  I would get trained and commit my time for years.  Hours each week.  Every week.  For years.  But my life just does not allow for that right now.  But Ladybug and I did walk in the One for One campaign.  So I contributed.  I volunteered.  I am counting that as a win.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.  But I want to.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Nope.
15.  Start a 529 account.  Not yet.  Realistically I need to resolve some serious money issues before I can start putting money away.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Yes.  But in the spirit of being honest I will also say that my living room looks like a tornado hit right now.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I made progress.  I didn't meet the goal.  But I ate out only 4 times this month.  That is a good decrease.  I will try harder next month.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  This one needs to be removed because I am doing so well with it.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  This still needs to wait until #1 is under control.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  If you could see my bedroom floor right now you would have no doubt at what a failure I have been at this one.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  I did a fair job at this one.  Not good enough but okay.
22.  Pay all bills on time. Not perfect but I did fairly well on this one.  The real problem is that I need more money -- or less bills.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Overall good on this one.  I mean, I had some sodas but not because I was trying to pour caffeine into my body (most days).

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama