Life has stopped

I haven't been writing because there is nothing interesting happening in my life.  I have run out of things to write about.  That's all there is.

RIGHT!

I haven't been writing because I am overwhelmed.  Life is ... stressful. 

Ladybug finished 2nd grade.  With fantabulous grades.  Everything was going great.

Well, not really.  But I like to live in the land of delusion.

While school was ending I became aware that perhaps Ladybug had something medical going on.  The first worry was that perhaps she had diabetes -- or as the doctor called it, insulin resistance.  The good news is that the blood work (which did not require me to hold her down in a restraint for) came back perfectly normal.  The second worry was that perhaps she had a thyroid concern.  The jury is still out on this.  But with my mommy doctor degree I am already convinced she does in fact have it.  Her TSH level came back just high of the range.  Her free t4 came back in range but on the low end (she wanted to be on the end of the range).  And she had antibodies.  As the nurse said, present but not high.  It shouldn't be present at all.  So she has a neck ultrasound scheduled in a couple of weeks.  So we wait.

Nothing new for my health.  Yet.  I had blood work done yesterday for my thyroid.  I find out numbers on Monday.  I have an ultrasound of my ovaries tomorrow.  I had cysts at the last ultrasound.  But since I have PCOS it was not really a shocker.  I have not dealt with physical therapy for my knee or foot things.

Ladybug has been spending some time with her dentist.  Which is a big deal since it is a 2 hour drive to her office.  But things are going well.  She had them cleaned.  She had them sealed.  She had a cavity filled.  She had 2 sets of x-rays.  She needs one baby tooth pulled in August - unless she pulls it out first.  Then she will be done.

The real problem is that as school was ending we also decided to change her medications.  I guess when I start a paragraph like that you know this isn't going to be good.  We weaned her off the guanfacine.  And she started prozac.  It is not going well.  All the old behaviors are back.  Defiance.  Anger.  Dissatisfaction.  Her psychiatrist wants her to be like this for the next 6 weeks.  I am not sure I will make it through week one.

And with that I think it is time for me to go to bed.  So much more is happening.  But I make no promises about blogging.

Mean Mama

Update 5

Happier:
The depression has stayed at bay this month.  Although there has been a few rough days -- especially around the medical stuff.

Healthier:
1. I am down 9 pounds this month from my heaviest weight this month.  That is great.  And it will continue.
2.  We are switching medications for Ladybug.  I will explain it later.  I am back on my thyroid medication and trying to remember to take it regularly.
3.  Absolutely no exercise.  I am not proud of it.  But I can own it.
4.  I have given up the milk.  I did a good job about drinking water for a while.  But not so much the last couple of days.
5. I spent a fair amount of this month juicing.  This means that my fridge is stock full of veggies and fruits.  I really didn't eat out much. 
6.  Another ridiculous month of medical/mental health appointments.  We had 3 therapy appointments.  I had 2 mammograms and an ultrasound on my breast.  I had an appointment with my OB/GYN.  Ladybug had an appointment with her pediatrician.  I had an appointment with the nutritionist.  Ladybug had an appointment with the sleep doctor.  That is 10 appointments for the month of May.  June is much lighter on appointments.
7.  I sucked at going to bed on time.  Most nights it was 11 or later.  That is too late.  And now that it has gotten hotter, sleeping sucks.
8.  No flossing. 

Wealthier:
Partial success.  I deposited $30 into Ladybug's account.  This is good. I also deposited $150 into my savings.

Wiser:
I learned that this house buying process is really stressful.  Online searching.  Looking at houses.  Looking beyond cosmetics.  Everybody has an opinion.  Picking the right house.  All the steps.  UGH!!!!!  Hoping for an update soon.

Lots happening.  Hoping for some resolutions soon.

Mean Mama

Financials

May has been a great month financially.  And the timing might be perfect.

I get paid every other week.  This means 26 pay checks.  This means twice a year, I get 3 pay checks in a month -- instead of the normal 2.  This is helpful.  Almost like extra money.  Because the other 10 months I have to live on 2 pay checks.  May is a 3 pay check month this year.  I love 3 pay check months.  Extra money.

I also hadn't spent all my tax return.  I love tax returns.  My father thinks they are stupid.  He believes you should never get a return.  You should get the money throughout the year.  Because otherwise the government is just holding onto you money.  For a year.  But I like tax returns.  Again -- extra money.  Feeling rich.

Then I got my internet bill.  Apparently I double paid last month.  Balance due this month ... $0.  I like that kind of bill.

In April I paid off one of my credit cards.  Again.  I fell off my "no credit card" wagon when I made the move.  I don't use it now.  But I used it during the move.  And I have been paying it off since.  So balance due this month on that credit card ... $0.

In April I paid off a huge chunk of my other credit card.  Yes, I only have 2 credit cards.  It was a bigger balance.  I paid off half.  I paid a small amount at the beginning of the month and then paid a huge chunk in the middle of the month ... of April.  So balance due on this credit card ... $0.

I went to pay my last installment of my heating bill today.  I was on a monthly budget plan.  I have oil.  This allowed me to lock in a price for the oil.  It also allowed me to not get stuck with a huge bill on delivery at a time that I didn't have money.  Again, I am sure my dad would hate this but it works for me.  So I went to pay the final installment today.  They had over estimated my monthly installment.  I overpaid.  I have a positive balance.  No more heating until October (if I am lucky).  So balance due on this bill... $0.

I liked May.

Mean Mama

Doctor ... part 3

Part of all of these doctor appointments included a mammogram.  My first.  Despite being in my mid 40's.  I have heard it is easier for large breasted women - like me.  I can see why that is now that I have been through it.  But small or large, it really isn't much fun to squished and squeezed.  From all angles.

I had my mammogram just one hour after all those ultrasounds I mentioned in a previous post.  By the end of the day I felt a little battered and bruised.  But then it was done.

And then a week later, as I sat in the exam room with Ladybug waiting to talk with her doctor, my phone rang.  Normally I wouldn't answer it in the doctor's office but I was expecting a call from my doctor about the thyroid med problem.  So I answered.  But it wasn't the doctor.  It was the hospital.

Nurse:  The doctor would like you to come back in for a follow-up mammogram.
Me: Oh.
Nurse: Your first one showed some abnormalities and she wants to see different images.
Me: Ok.
Nurse:  It is important that you know that 85% of these turn out to be nothing.  We just want to make sure it is nothing on you.
Me: Ok.

Trying not to react.  With child in the room.  But FREAKING out!  What is I have a problem?  What if I am sick?  And I have to wait a week for the next appointment!

So today was the follow-up mammogram.  They showed me my pictures.  Kind of strange to see my tatas up on the screen.  My left breast had a spot they were concerned with.  My right breast had two spots they were concerned about.  So they squeezed and squished.  But to be clear -- they did it more this time.  Then they rushed the new images to doctor to look at before I was allowed to get dressed.

I waited with an elderly volunteer.  She wasn't there for the first mammogram.  Is this someone they offer when things are tense?  When there is a possibility of bad news?  Do I need to hear about how her son kept getting fired from job while I am naked from the waist up and waiting to hear news about my boobs?

And then the news came.  The left breast is fine.  But there is still some concern about your right breast.  What does that mean?  They need more information.  So, grab your things (don't get dressed) and walk down the hall (in a johnny) to an ultrasound room.

Two very nice ladies do the sonogram.  With it up on the wall so I can see.  The inside of a boob -- on an ultrasound -- kind of looks like the ocean in a storm.  They took some pictures and rushed off to the doctor again.

Finally the doctor came in -- my first meeting with her.  She THINKS everything looks find.  She is not concerned at this time.  But I have to go back in 6 months for a recheck.  I am fine.  For another 6 months.

Mean Mama

Doctor ... Part 2

Actually this is the first part.  But It seemed less important.

I have hypothyroidism.  But I have been unmedicated for some time now.  This is not a good thing.  But I ran out of the prescription and had no doctor. 

Like a good doctor she didn't just trust me.  She insisted on labs.  Not that thyroid medications are a drug that can really be abused (not sure who would want to) but labs are important.  The TSH level should be in the range of .5-3 (although some doctors will go all the way up to 6).  My TSH level was 28.89.  Now I know why I can't lose weight, I am exhausted, and I am depressed.

I asked that she prescribe levoxyl.  There are several thyroid meds but this is the one I like the most.  Only one problem.... it is not currently in production.  Something to do with the manufacturer and it won't be available until sometime in 2014.  So she prescribed synthroid.  But since there is a generic form I got that.  I am normally not opposed to taking a generic but I hate taking a generic thyroid medication.

I started taking it on April 24th.  By early May I was feeling better.  More energy.  Less depression.  Better sleep. And my ankles began to swell.

Now I have had feet swelling issues for a long time.  But they hadn't swelled all winter.  I enjoyed the fact that my feet were normal.  Why now?  And then it dawned on me.  No meds... no swelling.  Meds... swelling.  Is this a reaction to the med?  I hadn't made the connection for 7 years ... and in my defense, neither did my doctor.

I called my doctor.  She was out of town.  The on-call doctor told me to stop taking the meds until I had a chance to talk to my doctor.  I stopped on a Wednesday.  Swelling went down slowly.  By Monday my feet with almost normal size again.  This could be a med reaction.

Doctor called on Tuesday.  She said this would be an unusual reaction.  She wanted me back on the meds and watch to see what happened.  I went back on them on Wednesday (I couldn't bare to do it on Tuesday).  By Friday my feet were huge again. 

Guess I am calling the doctor tomorrow.

Mean Mama

Doctor...part 1

By my updates, you may have noticed that I have started going to the doctor.  This is turning into a full time job.

It all began with a trip to the primary physician.  I did exactly what I was suppose to.  I wrote down a list of questions and concerns.  One of the things I wanted to talk about was menopause.  I am in my mid 40s now and I was hoping that perhaps I might be entering it.  She said it was not likely.  I was not happy. 

Because of miserable PMS and periods (details of which I will not go into) since the very first time (at age 11), I have done some research on a procedure called ablation.  I wanted it.  I talked to my previous doctors.  They weren't interested in having the conversation with me.  But I trudged ahead and brought it up one more time with this new doctor.

She didn't even blink an eye.  She referred my to an OB/GYN to have a consult.  Progress!

I went in for the consult.  She discussed it with me.  She discussed other options too.  Progesterone.  IUD. Other medications that I can't remember.

She also said I needed to have a few tests before she could say if I was a good candidate. 

1) A uterine biopsy.  There is some concern that having an ablation would prevent early detection of uterine cancer.  It was a quick procedure.  I slender thingy (no idea what it is really called) is slipped into the uterus and it collects a little bit of the lining.  Done.  Quick.  Right?  She said it would be like a contraction.  Like I have an idea what that is like!  She said it would take about 30 seconds. 

OMG!  If that is what a contraction is like -- why does anybody ever have a second baby.  And it took about 2 minutes -- because my lining would no cooperate with her.

Good news!  No cancer.

2) An ultrasound.  Both kinds.  Before the procedure can be preformed, they have to discover the shape of your uterus.  So they need to look at it from all angles.  So first came the trans-abdominal ultrasound.  This requires you to drink 32 ounces of water 1 hour before the procedure.  By the time I was brought into the exam room I was only moving from the knees down in fear of peeing my pants.  And then they glide this little device over your belly gently.

NOT!  She took this evil device and pressed it into my belly.  Looking at my ovaries, uterus, kidneys, and she might have also been looking for China.  It lasted forever.  It was painful.  There was nothing pleasant about it.

When it was over I got the chance to pee and then it was time for the other, less pleasant part of the ultrasound.  I won't go into details.

Good news!  I have a normal shaped uterus. 

But there was a bit of bad news.  I have a cyst on one of my ovaries.  This is not shocking to me since I have PCOS.  But she is insisting on a second round of the ultrasounds at the end of June to make sure it is not a big issue.

So no decisions on the ablation surgery.  It will wait until after I have a few more answers.  Stay tuned for an update.

Mean Mama

Driving

I feel like I have a lot to say.  And because I have a bad case of verbal vomit, I also seem to have a case of writer's block.  So I am starting with a light hearted story first.

Last weekend  I decided to go visit my mom.  It was mother's day, after all.  So after work on Friday, I headed out for the short 3.5 hour drive.  Michelle, my trusted GPS, was on and in the car.  I drove about 2 hours, down the regular path. 

Then all of a sudden, Michelle asked me to turn down a road I don't normally take.  I complied.  Then I got worried.  Did this road hook up with the road I needed to cross the river?  So I was driving and checking on the GPS.

And then I see the blue lights in my rear view mirror.  Perfect!  Great!  Was I speeding?  What is the speed limit here?

A very nice sheriff comes up to the window.  No, really, she was nice.  She asks for license, registration, and proof of insurance.  Proof of insurance?  Am I suppose to carry that?  Luckily I found it.  She asks where I am going.  She seems happy that I heading to see my mom.  She asks when my last speeding ticked was.  She almost fell over when I said never.

She didn't give me a ticket.  This was really nice since I was going 58 in a 45.  She was in a good mood. 

I don't normally have that kind of luck so I decided to take it as a gift.  I decided to be aware of my speed.  And the speed limit. 

Until 15 miles later.  No joke.  I am crossing the bridge and I see blue lights in the rear view mirror.  AGAIN!  There is no way I am getting out of this twice.  In 15 miles. 

This sheriff was less nice.  To the tune of $145. 

Was I speeding?  Obviously.  I was going 50 in a 30.  In my defense, the speed limit was 50 leading up to the bridge.  Apparently, the speed limit drops to 30 on the bridge.  Immediately following the bridge, it goes back up to 50.

I paid the ticket.

Mean Mama

Ladybug's obsession with the TV is getting out of control. 

She loves TV.  Even when she is not watching it she wants it on.

So tonight we were running late getting home (2.5 hour commute, dinner out, and grocery shopping).  I told her that when she got inside it was straight into the shower and then bed. 

I put the groceries down and walked into the living room.  She was on the stairs heading up to take a shower.

The living room TV was on.

WHY?

I turned it off.

I went upstairs.

My bedroom TV was on.

WHY???

I like TV.  I get it.  But this seems a little extreme.

Mean Mama

Update 4

Happier:
I am.  Only in the last 4-5 days of the month.  But I feel the grey lifting.  I feel like I can breathe.  I feel a whole lot hopeless.  I think I am on an upswing.

Healthier:
1. I don't even remember what my beginning weight was this month so it is hard to say I was successful at this.  However, I will say I am 3 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight of the month.
2.  Ladybug is taking her medications.  They continue to be ineffective.  But she is taking them.  I am trying to be consistent about taking mine this month.  And now that I am on a prescribed medication I have managed to take it every day.
3.  Did I say I have a mini stepper?  I deny it now.  Or at least I have not used it this month.  And I basically did nothing else.
4.  I am drinking a ton of water.  I have also been drinking a ton of milk.  I don't know why.  I don't even like milk.  But I am craving it. 
5.  Doing so much better at eating whole foods.  Keeping lunches simple for both me and Ladybug.  Juicing in the mornings.  Dinner has been a bit of a struggle.  I am seriously considering the option of becoming a vegetarian again so I am trying to eat all the meat dishes I have frozen in my freezer and then giving it a shot.
6.  We had a ridiculous number of medical/mental health appointments in April.  We had 3 therapy appointments (and I am beginning to waonder if we have the right therapist), Ladybug had a dentist appointment (turns out she has strong teeth -- but will still need a little work), Ladybug did a sleep study (she managed to stay in her bed all night without me -- waiting for the results still), Ladybug had an intake appointment with a child psychiatrist (appointment with the psychiatrist won't be until July!), I had a physical with a general practitioner (already wrote about this), I had a bunch of blood work (thyroid, complete blood count, anemia, and blood sugar), and I had an appointment with an OB/GYN (pap smear and a biopsy of the uterus).  9!
I thought if I could get through these appointments in April things would be easier for May.  Turns out that all those appointments have led to referrals so now we have a lot of appointments in May, too.  I currently have 6 appointments scheduled in May -- mostly for me.  I know I will have at least 1 more because I am trying to find a time that works.  I also know that since there is only 1 therapy appointment scheduled, it is safe to say there will be more appointments in May.
7.  I sucked at going to bed on time.  Most nights it was 11 or later.  That is too late.  These last 4-5 days of the month I was better about it.  I went to bed closer to 10pm.
8.  No flossing.  For me.  Ladybug has started to do it once in a while.  I need to take her lead on this.

Wealthier:
Partial success.  I deposited $20 into Ladybug's account.  This is good.  I redeposited the money I had to take out of my account in March.  I also deposited another $50.  It helps that I got my tax returns this month.  Back on track but it will only get harder.

Wiser:
I learner -- or relearned -- the importance of taking my prescribed medication.  It is just a thyroid medication but without it I can not be healthy.  I can not lose weight, I can not sleep, I become depressed, I am exhausted.  Note to self:  TAKE YOUR MEDICATION!

I think by the end of the month I feel like I am heading in the right direction.

Mean Mama

Visiting the doctor

One of my goals this year is to get all caught up with medical appointments for both Ladybug and I.  Turns out this is going to be a big chore.  I finally made an appointment for myself to see a doctor this month.  I was putting  it off because I was having a hard time finding a primary care physician for myself.  But I finally bit the bullet and picked one.  There weren't really too many options in such a small town.

Good news:  I think I am really going to like her.  She asked a ton of questions.  Listened.  Was completely non-judgmental. 

Bad news:  I am apparently a wreck.

I saw a commercial a few months ago which basically said that Americans will ask questions about everything except for their own health.  So I made a long list of things that I was concerned about.  And I brought them all up with her. 

So walked in feeling like a typical overweight 40 something year old female.  Well, depressed and exhausted, but basically normal.  I came out with a million and one referrals. Okay, I exaggerate... a little.

Number 1 concern was my thyroid.  It is under active but since moving here I have also been unmedicated for at least 6 months.  She was willing to write me a prescription ... after I have the blood test.  So she gave me a referral for lab work.

Number 2 concern was my weight.  My weight problems are partially related to my thyroid problems.  It is not completely the fault but none of the work I do toward losing weight will work unless I have a functioning thyroid.  Once that is under control, I am going to be doing a ton of work on my weight.  So she gave me a referral for the nutritionist.  And a lot of local resources for weight loss groups and exercise options.  She also added some lab work for blood sugar levels.

Number 3 concern was my foot.  I have a pain in my right heel.  Plantar Fasciitis.  I only know this because I had it in my left foot about 15-20 years ago.  It is a pain I will never forget.  It is so painful in the morning that the first 20-30 steps are more like a hobble.  I don't want drugs to manage it.  I want to fix it.  And I know it is possible.  So she gave me a referral to a physical therapist.

Number 4 concern was my knee.  I blew out my right knee about 20 years ago pushing my car out of a snow bank.  Because it didn't swell, because I could walk after 2 weeks, because I was not a serious athlete (at the time I was training to run the Boston Marathon -- but I admit I was not a "serious" athlete... it was just a bucket list thing), my doctor told me there was nothing to be done and sent me on my way.  Now I have a hard time going up and down stairs... some days are worse than others.  She agreed that it needs to be evaluated at this time to see if there is any hope for resolving the issues.  So she gave me a second referral to a physical therapist.

Number 5 concern was my acid reflux issue.  I take pepcid on a regular basis.  If I miss a night, I wake up in the middle of the night.  She said to keep taking the pepcid.  She said it my be improved if I lose weight.  No change in plan at this time.

Number 6 concern was my depression.  I explained my history.  I let her know that about 15 years ago (I am getting so old) I was on prozac for a few years after a severe episode of depression.  I explained I am feeling depressed, but not as bad as it has been in the past.  Together we decided that we would put off doing anything about this until I got my thyroid under control.  It is entirely possible that my thyroid is messing that all up.  But she is willing to consider prozac in a few months if nothing else helps.

Number 7 concern was my ridiculous periods.  Not going to give you the details but lets just say I am anxiously waiting for menopause (I am not old enough yet) -- it has got to be better than this.  Since there is no hope of menopause happening any time soon, I asked about an ablation procedure.  I heard about this a couple of years ago but my previous doctor was not willing to even have the conversation with me.  Essentially, they cauterized the uterus so that you stop bleeding -- or at least bleed less.  So she gave me a referral to the local women's wellness clinic to discuss this possibility.  She also added lab work for a complete blood count and anemia check.

Number 8 concern was my exhaustion.  Well it wasn't really my concern... but it was hers.  I mean, I am exhausted but I was thinking it was my thyroid and my weight and my depression.  So I wasn't planning on discussing it as a separate topic.  But she brought it up.  It could be my thyroid.  It could be my weight.  It could be my depression.  Or it could be a sleep disorder.  She is willing to put this off for now but she let me know that if other things do not happen to help my exhaustion then she will be making a referral for a sleep study.

I think that covers it.  And now I have a ton of appointments to make.

I already had the blood work done last Monday.  They called with the thyroid levels (but I didn't even ask about the rest).  It is under active... which I already knew.  Normal levels are .5-3 (although some doctor will say .5-6).  I like to be right around the 1.0 point.  Even going up to 3.0 and I start feeling the effects it.  My level came back at 28.89.  So I am on medication now.  Waiting for it to build up in my system.

I have already made the appointment with the women's wellness clinic for this coming Monday.  Hoping to have some answer or possibilities very soon regarding this issue.

I also have a follow up appointment with my doctor scheduled.  I think it is June.  So I need to get motivated to schedule with the PT and the nutritionist soon.  I will update on all my appointments and all of Ladybug's appointments this month at the monthly update.  It has been a really busy month for appointments.

Mean Mama