Dilemmas

I think I have figured out why I have "bloggers block" (there I go making up words again).  I have been struggling with each post.  I can't find topics.  I don't want to write.  I don't even visit my blog some days.  But why would I not want to blog.

It isn't that I don't want to blog.  It is that my mind is on other things.  And it is taking up all possible brain power.  Well, that and the turn of events have left me confused... depressed... paralyzed.  Kind of.

So I hinted in my new year's resolution that I had a secret.  I do have a secret.  Or I did.  I drive when I go on vacation.  Hours.  And during my last holiday travels I made a decision.  I was so sure of it.  I thought it through -- for the first day I thought about it for 14 hours.  And then I had a week to keep going back to it.  And then another 14 hours on the way home to solidify my resolution.

I decided to adopt again.  I want another child.  Ladybug wants a sibling.  I decided to adopt through foster care. I decided I wanted a 7-9 year old African American girl.  I had a lot of time to think about it.

After getting home I spent a week getting back into the swing of things.  Then I spent a week doing research.  Then I made some phone calls.  And while I was waiting for someone to call me back... my life got turned upside down.

As I was waiting I decided to just look through some of my normal job hunting sites.  I didn't expect to find anything because I hadn't found anything in almost a year.  The economy sucks.  Why would a possible suddenly pop up?  It wouldn't.  But it did.  Not just one.  But 2 jobs.

And then I didn't know what to do.  I was so sure I needed to move on with my life. I was so sure adopting again was the plan.  But all of a sudden there was a possibility of moving again.  So do I ignore the few and far between job possibilities?  Do I say here?  Do I expand my family?  Do I pursue the jobs?  Do I hope to move?  Do I possibly give up the possibility of adopting another child?

There were a couple of days that I did nothing.  I thought.  But like a rat in a maze, I got no where. I could not make up my mind.  There reality is... I wanted it all.  I want a new job.  I want to move.  I want a child.  But I couldn't seem to figure out in my head how that was all possible.  Something had to give.  Until I finally decided to sit back and just see what would happen.  I continue to wait for a call back from DSS (apparently they don't need foster/adoptive parents).  I applied for the jobs.  I did research on the 2 towns (2 jobs in different places).  I had an interview for one of the job nearly 2 weeks ago.  I have an interview for the second job at the end of this week.  Just waiting to see what will happen.

And then I will have to be proactive in my life and make a few decisions.

Mean Mama