9/11 -- a day late

Nine years ago on 9/11, I got up and went to work like I normally do. There was nothing special about the day. At the time I ran a shelter. I had the morning house meeting and organized the day. I helped a few residents resolve a problem. I did a little paperwork. Then I got in my car and drove to the main office.

As I stood in the lobby, waiting for the elevator a random person commented that we had been attacked. Attacked by who? Terrorists. Where?

In reality, i expected to hear a foreign military base. Or an embassy. Because we can't be touched on American soil in this country. It wasn't arrogance in that we were untouchable. It was more ignorance in, well, how would they get here?

Here? Here, where? NYC. What? Did not compute. I flashed back to images of Oklahoma City. I remember skipping through the channels with OKC happened and seeing the images and assuming that it was the middle east. Because, again, it couldn't possibly be American soil. right? NYC?? How?

When I walked into the office, my co-workers had pulled out the TV and had it on. It didn't matter what channel. And just a few minutes after walking into the office, Tower One collapsed. I think I stood there for about 20 minutes with my chin on the floor. There were no words. Because it wasn't real. I lived in a world where this didn't happen. I could not process it.

As the day unfolded I wondered if we would ever recover. We did. But life was never the same again. I did not know anybody who died that day. I was not personally touched. But I was personally affected. My life changed. Just like everyone else that day.

It is a day I will remember for the rest of my life.

Mean Mama

dumb mama moment

We were in the middle of the grocery store today. Walking down an aisle. After a long day of work. Yes! On a Sunday! When a thought occurs to me. I spoke with my mom last night and she told me that she had to put down her 18 year old cat. It was just time.

So I am in the grocery store with Ladybug after she has spent 9-5 in my office coloring and watching movies while I make a feeble attempt to catch up with some work, and I casually tell her that Alana died yesterday.

Really? How stupid could I be?

Yes, she burst into tears. I held her. Rocked her. As she wailed and cried that a part of her family had died.

Location. Location. Location.

Mean Mama

Making the cut

Just got the email. I made the cut. I will be one of the people they do second interviews with.

OH MY!!!!

Mean Mama

Good days

This is what mamahood dreams are made of...

She got up in a good mood. She wanted cuddle time. She got dressed in her school picture outfit (despite not wanting to). She went off to school without a fuss. She had a good day at school (got the happy frog on the behavioral chart). She came out of the after school program with smiles (and a big sign that said "Stephanie" -- which is not her name. But I have learned to pick my battles). She joked with me. She laughed with me. She smiled with me. So we went out for pizza. We played 2 games of Go Fish (and I actually managed to win one). She had a meltdown when her balloon unicorn popped but she did adjust. She helped make her bed (peed the bed the night before because I did not supervise bedtime routing - bad mama). She read books. She wore her head scarf with only a little fuss. She wanted cuddle time.

Please please please send me more days like that.

Mean Mama

Racial Profiling

I just made my last trip to Walmart. Okay I am not a big Walmart fan in general. I mean, I use to be able to find what I needed for cheap there so even though I didn't like the politics I still went. But Walmart changed the stores about a year ago and now I can't ever find what I need (or want). So I basically stopped going. And I felt less guilty because I knew I should be supporting local business instead of big business.

But I went today. Actually I went because I needed to print off 2 photos for Ladybug's annual report. But there self serve photo machines were all down. Yes, ALL! So while I was there I decided that I should pick up a few hair care products for myself. I have more products then I know what to do with but there are all for Ladybug. I only have what I need for me and they are running low. And the products make caring for my hair quick and easy. Since dealing with Ladybug's hair is complicated and time consuming I really need my stuff to be simple. So I grabbed my gell and spray and waiting in the checkout lane.

I was waiting behind all the stay at home moms and retired folks who do their shopping at 11am on a Wednesday (yes I snuck out fo the office to do a few personal things) so I had plenty of time to people watch. And what caught my eye was the "greeter" at the front door. She was there when I walked in and she stopped a customer right before me. As I watched the front door I noticed that she moved to the exit door every once in a while. She would ask to see the receipt of a few customers, look in their bag, and then move back to the entrance door.

She didn't do this for every person. Just the black ones.

Now this town is not very racially diverse. Two months ago I moved from a town that was 40% African American so anything less feels not very racially diverse. There are lots of African Americans in this town, it just feels like less then I am use to.

As I stood waiting for my time to pay, I saw her stop 3 African American women as they were leaving the store. I saw her stop zero white people. And as I walked out the door she stopped the African American man in front of me and then gave me a quick smile and let me walk out without a word.

I am ashamed to say, I did just that. Walk out with saying anything. I should have done something. Because apathy is a big part of any problem. I should have done something. Because I know they won't "feel" the fact that I no longer shop there.

Mean Mama

Quick update

Just a quick note to say that she woke up completely compliant. Pleasant. Nice. And happy.

Thank you!

I don't know what did it. Being sent to bed early? Being called on her behavior? Getting to sleep with me all night because she peed to bed (it is my fault since I did not make sure she went potty before I sent her to bed early. I just couldn't deal with it last night so I let her sleep with me instead.)?

I want to know what worked because I want to be able to do it again. But I almost don't care as long as she is happy and nice.

Here's hoping for a good day all day...

Mean Mama

UGHHHHHHH

Another bad day with the mini one.

No. No. No. It is all she says to me. And she argues about everything. And I want it to stop. Please!

We got home from the park yesterday. She fell asleep on the ride home. So I woke her up and told her we were home. She looked around and said, "No we aren't." Look out the window kid!

She asked if I was mad at her today because she got a bad report from her teacher. I said no -- and I really wasn't, I just needed time to figure out how to deal with it. She told me I was mad. Crossed her arms across her chest. HMPHed. And gave me a dirty look.

I fixed dinner and called her to the table. She took one look at the meal and announced, "I didn't ask for this and I am not going to eat it."

I told her we needed to go upstairs and fold our clean clothes. She said no.

While folding the clothes I was trying to tell her something nice that the after school counselor had said about her today. I said, "Do you know what John said about you today." Tossing clothes around she said, "Who is John?" "The counselor." "His name isn't John!" "Are you sure? I swear his name tag said John." "It's not John!" "Okay, then what is it?" "I don't know!"

How can she know it is not John when she has no idea what it is????

And more importantly...why does she have to argue about everything? Why??? Why??? Why???

In her defense I guess I should explain that she has previously been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder. She is a sensory seeker. She seeks feelings. She likes to spin. She does not get dizzy. Ever. She likes to bounce. Endlessly. She likes to crash. She likes her clothes tight. She must must must touch everything. Always. She can't sit still. Rocks. Changes positions -- her favorite is upside down.

And now she seems to be branching out. Seeking high impact emotions. She must be deliriously happy. Or uncontrollable sobbing. Or angry. And since she can't maintain that on her own she tries to pull me in with her. And it is working.

Only I am not a sensory seeker.

Mean Mama

distracting car

About 2 months ago I was driving Ladybug to school. Normal activity. As I drove to the neighboring town I noticed a car coming toward me. Another normal activity. But there was something odd about this car. It looked like it was covered with a million post its.

Yes. Post its.

But that isn't possible. It was flapping in the breeze. Yes. Flapping. So I kept an eye on it as it approached me. And then I realized it wasn't covered in post its. It was covered with duct tape.

Yes. Duct tape.

Every. Single. Inch. Of the car. Except for the windows and tires. I am not joking. And I am not exaggerating. And some of the duct tape was coming loose and flapping in the breeze. As I drove by it I thought, "Nobody will every believe me." It is moments like that I wished I carried a camera with me. So it is just a tall tale with nothing to back it up.

Today as we were rushing off to the movies with Ladybug, I saw it again. Parked. And I had my camera. And I wanted to stop. Proof! But if I did we would be late for the movie. And I hate being late for movies. I like the previews. So I didn't stop to take a photo. And the car was gone when we drove home.

So still a tall tale with no proof.

Mean Mama

Lesson learned

So after last week's hair fiasco one would think that maybe one of us has learned a lesson. I took her scissors away. I don't trust that she won't cut again. But yesterday morning she came up to my room again. Yes it was a Sunday. Again. Yes I was still sleeping. Again. Yes she was acting sweet. Again. And she asked for the scissors.

Now I know that any sane parent would not have hesitated before saying -- NO!. But as you are likely aware by now, I am not sane. So I hesitated in my response. At which point she explained she needed the scissors because she was making me a picture. The night before I had bought her a coloring roll. This is like a coloring book only all the pages are on a large roll of paper. She had colored one for me and she wanted to cut it off for me.

AWWWW. How sweet. And since the scissors were laying on my bedside table, I handed them to her. And as she ran out of my room I yelled, "No hair!" and she yelled back, "I know, Mama!" And I went back to sleep.

And when I got up I found 4 (yes 4!) neatly snipped scissor holes in her pajama top.

UGH

Lesson learned. No scissors. Ever. For any reason. Unless I am present (mind, body, and spirit).

It is so important that I learn these lessons. It is probably less important that she does.

Mean Mama

Dietary Restrictions

With Ladybug starting school this year I was looking forward to having a little more control over her diet. In daycare all of her food was provided by the program. It was balanced. And fairly healthy. But the girl can eat. So I was hoping of gaining the control.

Ladybug is lactose intolerant. She is not allergic to dairy. When she first came home she was really lactose intolerant. The first day I had her while in Ethiopia I gave her a bottle of milk. I was told I had to if she was going to be in my care. So at 4pm I was a good little girl and filled her bottle. She took it and started drinking. At 4:10 she pooped. A lot. It blew out of the diaper. So I changed her diaper and her clothes. And as I was putting a new one on her, she blew out another one. The next day the same think happened.

I wasn't uneducated. I knew that people of African descent are more prone to dairy problems. So I talked to the nurse at the orphanage and told her I thought my little one was lactose intolerant and I would like her taken off dairy for the remainder of her time in the orphanage. She said no. She told me she had no problems with dairy but that Ladybug was scared because I am white.

Pause...

Choose your battles. I said nothing. But when I got home I took her off dairy completely. Eventually I was able to add most dairy back into her diet. Except for milk. She still does lactose free milk.

And lately I have discovered that she is also gluten intolerant. It is not serious. But she is a carb baby. Anything carb she wants. But it makes her bloat. Seriously bloat. She can look 6 months pregnant after a high gluten meal. And that is disturbing to see on a 5 year old. So I have tried to limit her gluten intake on days at home. We have both decided that gluten bread is gross so we refuse to give up regular bread. However, she has found some nice gluten free cereals and she loves the gluten free crackers.

I have been packing her lunches and snacks this week. Ham and cheese sandwich, carrots, strawberries, lactaid milk and a treat for lunch. Juice, cheese and crackers (nut based), peach, and trail mix for the 2 snacks (yes 2 -- one at school in the afternoon and one at the after school program).

And then today I got a note home from school. There is a child in her class that has some severe allergies. Dairy. Eggs. Nuts. We must restrict what we bring into the school. No milk. No cheese. Nothing with eggs. No nut products. So of my current lunch and snacks I must eliminate cheese, milk, the crackers, and the trail mix. Really??

Okay, I am not interested in killing another kid. This kid has severe allergies. That is not something to play around with. But what am I going to feed this girl. And I need to figure it out tonight. So I can pack her lunch.

Mean Mama