end of another month

I really need to have a shorter new years resolution list.

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds.  Progress!  In the right direction this time. 
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least one of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  Jackdaws by Ken Follett.  I love Ken Follett.  A little gruesome but worth it.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  I am having a hard enough time writing the necessary legal documents I am required to write for my job.
4.  Find a new job.  Nothing!  Seriously.  Expanded my search area.  Five states.  And nothing.  
5.  Move.  Still on square one on this one.
6.  Buy my first home.  Again, this one has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  On July 6th I will be writing a check to pay off the balance.  And my school loan and my car loan and my other credit cards.  Seriously.  Debt free is one week.
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Removed.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  Not so successful on this one. 
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Another successful month.  At least I have one thing I am successful at.
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. Summer camp.  She has access to swimming, basketball, tennis, soccer, archery, running, etc.  She opts for swimming and fossil hunting.  I try.  We did start walking but then I got shin splints.  I will be walking soon again.
12.  Get involved with a charity. Done.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Haven't started yet.  But I want to.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Removed.
15.  Start a 529 account.  I will open this account in September.  Seriously.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Did good.  But my child has decided to wreck her room every single day.  And then she is stunned when I ask her to clean it.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I have no idea.  But I will guess that I failed.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Removed -- because it is too simple.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine.  Started.  But had to stop.  Will start again soon.  I promise.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  Removed.  And I refuse to feel bad about my complete inability to do this.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  I promise to be better next month.
22.  Pay all bills on time. Terrible.  Really.  I think the only one paid on time this month was rent.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Overall good on this one.  I mean, I had some sodas but not because I was trying to pour caffeine into my body (most days).

So some success and some failure.  Check in again next month.

Mean Mama

seeing the future

Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of being woken up in the middle of the night by my agency to let me know that I had a referral -- they were so excited that they could not wait for morning to tell me.

A few nights before I got my referral I had a dream.  I had a dream that I received my referral of a little girl from Ethiopia (unlike previous dreams where I would get a referral of a blond girl from Hawaii -- hey, dreams don't always make sense).  She was a beautiful little girl named Magdalina.

I woke up and ran to my computer.  I pulled up a map of Ethiopia. For some reason I knew it would tell me something.  I looked at the map.  I was drawn to the north part of Ethiopia.  And I knew that meant my daughter was from the north.  I have a dream about a girl named Magdalina and that means my child is from the north???  Doesn't make sense.  And on top of it, none of the children my agency had referred up to that point was from the north part of Ethiopia.  But I was sure of it.  And the dream stuck with me.

Soon after getting my referral (because it came in bits and pieces) I found out that my daughter was from Gondar -- the north part of Ethiopia.  Her name, however, was not Magdalina.

After Ladybug had been home from about a year or so I decided to search for more information on her.  I found that she was taken to a orphanage in Gondar before she was transferred to the orphanage in Addis Ababa.  Upon further research of the orphanage in Gondar, I discovered that the woman who ran the program was named Magdalina.

Sometimes our dreams can tell us things, if we know how to listen to them.

Mean Mama

Weight update

Just a quick update (in an effort to avoid doing any real work) about the weight progress.

I admit...I did not keep my food diary.  I did not count every Weight Watcher point.  I knew I could be doing better.  I did not exercise.  All this put together was a recipe (yes, another reference to food) for disaster.

So as of last night, I was down... yes I said DOWN ... another .4 of a pound.

That is not the impressive 3.8 I lost the week before.  But given my effort (mentioned above) I am happy.  I am back on track this morning.  I am a good girl.  The program works -- but only if you follow it. 

So I will keep my food diary.  I will count every Weight Watcher point.  I will do better.  I will exercise.

Oh, and, I will go on vacation to my parents house where they eat like little birds and think they are stuffing themselves.

Hoping for better committment and more progress next week.

Mean Mama

I am

I am a good employee. 

Okay, I understand that I am known as the "oppositional" employee in the office.  I question things.  I debate things.  I am nobody's "yes" woman.  But I also understand that I am not the boss.  I will always do what I am told in the end. 

I am at work when I should be.  I leave work when I should.  I am professional in my attitude -- at least in dealing with clients.  I work.  It gets done.

I have been working full time for 20 years.  I had part time jobs for 6 years before that.  I have been many things...staff, supervisor, boss.  I get it.  I know what needs to be done and I do it. 

So stop treating me like a kid!  I am older than you.  I have more work experience than you.  I worked my way up at jobs I worked to get -- I did not get handed my first job as a boss from my daddy.  Heck, I am even in the office more than you.  I do not need to be micromanaged.  I do not need to be reprimanded.  Work WITH me.

And, Honey, if you want to get passive aggressive please remember that I have years more experience than you do at it. 

Okay, back to work...just needed to vent and keep my job at the same time.

Mean Mama

I want

I want a house.  I am 40+ year old professional single mother.  I am well educated.  How do I not own a home yet?  I have friends who keep telling me it is better to rent.  I don't believe them.  I give a bunch of money to some stranger every month and they put it away as their investment.  And I have nothing at the end of it.  I want to own.  I want a place that feels permanent.  I want to own a house. 

Just not here.

I have been looking at the housing market in 5 states now.  I want to live in one of those 5 states.  I prefer 1 state, feel good about 2 other states, and have family in the remaining 2 states.  All are neighboring states.  I want to buy there. 

I found a cute little historic house in one town.  The back yard is a brick patio with a little patch of dirt.  No mowing for me but a little dirt for Ladybug to create a little garden.  I would paint the kitchen and change the hardware.  The red stairs would need some serious work.  But it could be a home.

I found a condo in a town I use to live in.  I love that town.  No seriously, you have no idea.  I LOVE that town.  I don't understand why I left.  What was I thinking?  I could live with a condo -- again, no yard work. 

My favorite 2 houses in my mom's town have sold.  Sweet little places. 

Some things I have learned about my desire for a house:
I prefer old places.  I know it means work but new places just seem sterile to me.
I would like 2 bathrooms because I don't want to share one with Ladybug (seriously disgusting) but I don't like cleaning bathrooms so no need to have a lot.  Right now we have 2.5 bathrooms and that is at least .5 bathrooms too many.
I can live in about 1000 square feet.  I don't need a lot of space.  And again, it is less to clean.
I don't like galley kitchens. 
I like the open concept.  I think I would use all of my rooms more if I didn't feel cut off from them. 
I like hardwood floors.

Okay tantrum over...just hoping I can make it a reality soon.

Mean Mama

Sun protection

Some people have been discussing sunblock for their children of African descent.  Some questioned if their skin could burn.  Some talked about vitamin D.

I am of German and English descent.  I am white white white.  I do not tan.  Correction...I can not tan.  Even as a kid people would ask me if I ever got sun and then I would show them my belly (which never got sun) and they would realize I am just really really white.  I burn...and peel...and burn again.  And even though Ladybug has dark skin, I protect hers the same way I protect mine.

Ladybug started camp last week.  Being the good mama, I bought sunscreen for her.  I sprayed her down in the morning.  And then worried all day.  She was going to be outside all day.  She was going to be sweating.  She was going to be swimming.  On Tuesday she informed me that all the other kids brought their sunscreen with them.  Great!  Happy to hear.  So I packed it in her backpack and off she went. But she lost it.  Because she looses everything.  The girl can't keep track of anything.  Ever. 

On Wednesday and Thursday she went off to camp with no sunscreen.  Saturday she was getting ready to go to the pool with me.  She was wondering around naked and I could clearly see tan lines already forming on her body.  Two days of no protection and she is already tanning.  This is not good.

So this weekend I went out and bought another bottle.  I explained the importance of her using it.  I told her I was not buying more -- although I really would have -- so she could not lose it.  On Monday she came home smelling like coppertone so I knew she used it.  Same for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was wondering why she smelled so strongly of coppertone so late in the day but decided not to complain.  I mean, she was using it.

This morning I was packing her lunch and bag and discovered the sunscreen bottle sitting on the counter.  I grabbed it to throw it in her bag.  I lifted it.  And stopped.  I shook the can.  It was empty.  EMPTY!  In three days she used an entire bottle of sunscreen.  No wonder she always smelled like coppertone.  It should have lasted weeks.  Three days!  She needs a little vitamin D.

Mean Mama

Down!

Just a quick update...and staying positive.

Tonight was my first weigh in with Weight Watchers.  I have been on the plan for 1 week.  I have read and learned and eaten.  I have cheated but always stayed within my point range.  I planned on starting to walk again this week -- after resting my shin splints.  But I didn't.  No excuses.  Just didn't.  It has been hard to get out of bed in the morning.  So I haven't fought it.

Tonight I went to my meeting.  On the way there I decided I would be happy if I was down 2 pounds.  I could deal with 2 pounds.  That is all I needed.  Oh please don't let me be disappointed with 2 pounds.  Or even better, please don't let me have lost less that 2 pounds.

So I held my breath and stepped on the scale (with happy southern belle boy reading the scale) and discovered that I was down ...3.8 pounds.  3.8!  Really.  Let me say that again.  3.8 pounds.  In one week.  While eating some ice cream (not Ben and Jerry's).  Oh please let this work for me. 

I can do better with the diet.  I can start exercising.  It is still being successful without perfection and without exercise.  I am still being successful. 

Goal for next week...2 pounds.  Really.  I can will be happy with 2 pounds.  Check in next week to see how I do.

Mean Mama

Collecting Beads

The summer camp Ladybug is attending has a "bead" reward system.  Little tiny pony beads.  The kind I use to put in her hair.  Different colors for different behaviors. 

At the end of last week she had earned .... zero beads.  As a matter of fact, I didn't even know of the reward system. 

Yesterday I picked her up and as she climbed into my car with a huge smile on her face she told me she got beads.  She gave me a quick explanation of the system. 

So yesterday she earned a yellow bead -- the bead of respect. Respect????  My child was respectful?  So respectful that she earned a bead?  "Mama, are you proud of me?"  "YES!"  And she earned the purple bead -- the bead of faith in god.  Yeah, my child (the child of an atheist) is the first child in the camp this summer to earn the purple bead. 

Today I picked her up and she had earned 2 more beads.  TWO!  Another yellow.  Another day of being respectful.  Is it too much to ask for?  And she earned a red bead -- the bead of caring.  My child?  She was respectful and caring?  "Mama, are you proud of me?"  "Absolutely!" 

She is a little upset because she hasn't yet earned the "sweetheart of the day" bead.  But I am thrilled that she has 4 beads!

Mean Mama

some things are hard to admit

As I have mentioned before, I do not like mornings.  But even given that, I can't understand how this morning happened.

I got up and went to the kitchen to make breakfast for Ladybug.  I went back upstairs and hopped in the shower while she ate.  When I was almost ready (because I tend to run around in my bra and panties while getting things ready in the morning - I know this is not an image most people want to have) I went back downstairs and started getting lunches and snacks ready for the 2 of us.  As I was running around the kitchen (barefoot) Ladybug came down to help.  She walked into the kitchen and bent down to look at the floor.

My kitchen floor is a white and tan linoleum.  Nothing fancy.  She spoke to me without taking her eyes off the floor.

Ladybug: Mama, we have a bug in the kitchen.
Mama:  What is new.

Very casual and unconcerned.  Why?  Because in the the year I have been here I have battled ants, cockroaches, centipedes, and spiders.  Another day.  Another bug.  But just for fun I went to look at the bug.

I knew instantly what it was.  Maggot!  Gross.  Really.  Just gross.  I had dealt with maggots only once before.  I went with my roommate to her boyfriend's house about 20 years ago.  I didn't like him so I didn't want to go.  As I was sitting in his apartment I kept hearing a noise.  They didn't hear it.  But I followed the noise.  Into the kitchen.  And found his juicemaker filled with maggots.  Filled.  He had no idea.  I never went back to his place.

So this morning I sat staring down at this maggot on my floor and worried.  Where there was one -- there was likely more.  So I started cleaning.  And I found more.  Scooping them up with wipies.  Did you know that maggots make a popping sound when you squeeze them?

Not to completely disgust anybody but I found hundreds.  HUNDREDS.  All over the kitchen floor.  In corners.  Under chairs.  In the laundry room.  I cleaned and cleaned until I found no more.  It was puke-worthy.  And then I went off to work.

When I came home I inspected the kitchen again.  I found 4.  Only four.  Every inch of my kitchen and laundry room have been cleaned tonight.  Every nook and cranny.  I am taking a little break.  Then I am going back in to clean again.  With bleach.

I do not know where they came from but I can promise you they are not welcome and they will not be staying a minute longer.

Mean Mama

some days are hard

Last Friday was one of those days.  I probably should have known it was going to be a hard day.  But I didn't.  We had gone to an outdoor movie the night before and we got home really late.  So she was going to be tired.  And that is never a good thing.

But I woke up late and started rushing around getting ready for work.  I did not pay attention to her.  Not in the way I needed to to understand what was going on for her.  I made her breakfast.  I showered and dressed.  I made my breakfast.  I made her lunch and snacks.  I did the dishes.  I made tea.  She got dressed.  She hadn't finished breakfast.  I threw her in the car and told her to finish it in the car.  We drove to summer camp.  She didn't eat.  I began to panic.  She was tired.  She couldn't be hungry too.  She needed to eat.  Or she would blow out of camp. 

I couldn't have her blowing out of camp.  Not that day.  There are 5 people in my office.  Two attorneys, two paralegals, and a secretary.  The secretary and the other paralegal had been on vacation all week.  I did not have the ability to miss work to go pick her up because of a blow out. 

Just eat. 

I was getting pissed.  And she just sat there.  Doing nothing.  A big bite in her mouth.  But not chewing.  Not smiling.  Not getting mad.  Nothing.  Just sitting there.  And it was getting later and later.  After half hour I gave up.

Let me define "gave up" for you.  I left the camp with Ladybug.  She was going to work with me.  She was going to be bored.  But I couldn't deal with a blow out.

She came to the office with me and sat on the phone.  She did nothing.  I gave her no entertainment.  This was not there for fun. 

But she was determined to win.  She didn't complain.  She didn't test.  She was going to sit there and wait me out.  But at about 10 she looked at me and said...

Mama, I am hungry.

And I thought...please don't let me head explode.

Then "mini" boss came in.  He is not a parent.  He has no social skills.  He is a self absorbed brat.  He asked Ladybug why she was there and she said because she refused to eat her breakfast.  Then he turned to me and asked -- in front of her -- "That is it?  You bring her to work because she refuses breakfast."  Like I hadn't been beating myself up all morning.  I was not at all sure I was doing the right thing.  I just didn't know what I should be doing.  But either way, don't question my parenting in front of my child.

At about 11 she looked at me and apologized.  I asked her what she was apologizing for.  She gave me a song and dance at the same time she was dismissive and rude to me.  I took about 30 seconds of that.  Then shut her down again.

At about 11:30 she really apologized.  She as sorry.  From head to toe.  With her words and her actions.  And then everything changed.  She turned it all around.  She tried.  All afternoon.  All day.  All weekend. 

I don't know if I did the right thing on Friday.  I don't know if there was a better way of handling things.  But something worked in her.  She told me tonight that I am the boss.  Yes.  I am the boss.

This parenting thing is all a crap shoot.

Mean Mama