second to last

1.  Lose 123 50 pounds. I made some big changes this month.  I lost 4 pounds this month.  Then I gained them over last weekend -- holidays.  But as of this morning I am down 4 pounds again.  May next month bring me additional losses.
2.  Read at least 1 book a month.  At least o.ne of them must be a self help book but not all can be self help.  On wings of Eagles by Ken Follett.  I love him.  And actually I read this book for the first time when in high school.  I like it.  I also started The Help -- but I haven't finished it yet.
3.  Write the next great American novel a short story.  Apparently I am not motivated enough to get this done.
4.  Find a new job.  Nope -- but I have found a few that I need to apply to.
5.  Move.  No -- and I was just forced to sign a year lease. 
6.  Buy my first home.  Again, this one has to wait until 4 & 5 are done.
7.  Pay off all credit cards FIA credit card.  Done!
8.  Make at least one pair of earrings a week.  Removed.
9.  Get at least 8 hours of sleep at least 4 times per week.  Really good with this one.  Especially since going to the gym -- it is amazing how much I wanted to sleep after working out.
10. Blog at least 15 times per month.  Done!
11.  Get child enrolled in a sport. She is back in Jump Rope club.  She goes to the kids game room while I work out.  There is a kidfit class twice a week -- which she has refused to participate in.  I did sign her up for swim lessons that start in January.
12.  Get involved with a charity.  Nothing.
13.  Refinish the new kitchen table.  Think I might be willing to admit this is not happening.
14.  Enroll in a creative class -- writing, jewelry making, pottery...  Removed.
15.  Start a 529 account.  I know I need to.  I will.  Some day.
16.  Clean the house once a month.  Twice -- once before guests and once after guests.
17.  Eat out no more then 2 times per month.  I didn't track it.  But I am sure this is another failure.
18.  Call my friends and family more often -- rely on the internet less.  Removed -- because it is too simple.
19.  Start training for the Boston Marathon.  I know this seems out of the blue for most but it has been a long term dream of mine. The gym is kicking my butt and helping me start this process.  I have not been in 7 days though.  The gym was closed Wednesday-Friday.  I was exhausted on Saturday after the guests left.  I was lazy on Sunday and then my little annoying friend (flo) arrived and I have had a miserable few days with her.  I refuse to bleed and sweat at the same time.  I will be returning to the gym tomorrow.
20.  Fold and put away the laundry within 24 hours of washing it each week.  Removed.  And I refuse to feel bad about my complete inability to do this.
21.  Buy a new camera and take more photos of Ladybug.  Now I need to figure out the video part of this camera.  My mama bought me photo software to make my pictures pretty.  Now if I could just learn to use it.
22.  Pay all bills on time. This absolutely did not improve this month.
23.  Become caffeine free.  Piece of cake.  MMMM cake.  Can I have cake instead of caffeine?

11 down, 1 to go.  Determined to finish the year off strong.


Mean Mama

10 things adopted kids may want you to know

#1 – Don't lie -- don't feed their fantasies, don't create answers for your child that you don't have.  Be honest...to the extent that it is age appropriate.  It will strengthen your relationship with them.

#2 – A child that has already loved and lost wants to know it won't happen again.  They want to feel secure.  Don't make promises you can't keep but let them know that they have a community and family that will always be there for them.

#3 – They will not "get over it."  It will be revisited.  Over and over.  As they travel through the different developmental stages and new stages of life.  Let them express their new position with their old grief and knowledge about their adoption.  Get comfortable with it -- you will experience it a lot in their lives.

#4 – A child who was adopted will not always be sad.  They are kids.  They want to smile and laugh and play.  They want to be normal.  Let them experience normalcy when they want it. 

#5 – A child will always miss their first parent.  It is not the "I miss my best friend" type of thing.  It is a question.  It is the unknown.  It is wondering what might have been and trying to understand what might be different if given different circumstances.  It can not be resolved.  They may not be willing to trade what they have to get what they lost but they will still miss.

#6 – Let them talk.  Let them have mementos.  Let them have photos.  They want to remember... maybe not everyday, but they don't want to forget forever.

#7 – Don't assume that all children who are adopted will follow the same path.  This looks different for each person.   Let them experience their emotions as they come, do not attempt to compartmentalize them.

#8 – A child who is adopted will have many emotions, including ones that may not make sense to you.  They don't want you to "understand."  That trivializes their feelings.  They want you hold their hand and walk through the emotion with them and know they are loved.

#9 – Recognize behaviors for what they are, a cry for help, attention, acknowledgement. Sometimes they will act out.  Sometimes they will hurt you.  Know that their behaviors may not define how they are feeling.

#10 – When you don't know what is going on with a child who was adopted, ask.  Be there.  Be present.  Listen.  You will learn from them and they will feel more secure with you.


Mean Mama

Yams!

I hate yams.  Seriously hate them.  Can not choke them down.  But my sister loves them.  So I was a good hostess and made them for Thanksgiving.

I started with this...

And combined almost all of it together -- except the apples and some of the butter.

And stirred until it looked like this...

Then I layered...  first the yams mixture.

Then the apples...

Repeat until done.  Brush top layer of apples with melted butter.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes and serve hot (I didn't get to take a photo of the end project because my family thought it was strange I was taking picture of my food).

I hear it was good.  I didn't try it.

Mean Mama

Nothing like the holidays to bring out the attachment issues

Sometime ago I made the decision that Ladybug was not yet ready to have friends over to our house.  She is age appropriate for it but her attachment issues get in the way.  She can, however, go over to other kid's house.  She can share other people's parents, she is still not ready to share me.

I thought maybe that sharing me with her cousin, K, would be okay.  I mean, she is an only child who is not use to sharing her things with others but I thought she might not be threatened by me showing affection to K.  This would be the test because this would be the first time since we had started therapy that family was coming to our house for the holiday.

Overall she did great.  She let me hug K.  She let me joke with K.  She let me hold K's hand.  She let me do K's hair (but maybe she liked seeing me torture her).  But she reached her limit.  And I knew it instantly.

I was in the living room with K and Ladybug.  Ladybug was coloring and I was trying to teach K how to put a shoe on her foot.  This was not an easy process... for a number of reasons.  First is that K is 4.5 years old.  Kids who are 4.5 years old are not necessarily great at a step by step process.  Second is that K has a bit if a weight issue and it affects her ability to move (4.5 years old, 45 inches tall, and 70 pounds can affect your ability to be limber, agile and flexible). I had her sitting on the floor and I was asking her to reach down, hold the tongue of the sneaker and put her foot in the shoe.  Every time she reached for her foot she would roll onto her back.  But I kept encouraging her to try.  Until finally she rolled back in a wrong direction and she smacked the back of her head on the corner of the TV stand.

I scooped K up in my arms because I knew smacking her head must have really hurt.  And as I scooped K up and dealt with the injury, I saw Ladybug quietly get up and go upstairs.  So fit.  No yelling.  No dirty looks.  No stomping.  Nobody else even noticed her going up.  I did.  And I knew.  She had reached her limit.  Once K was calm enough to go see her mama (who was just in the kitchen on her computer and didn't come to see why her child was crying -- or maybe she just trusted me to handle it) I headed upstairs and found her crying on my bed.

Mama: Come cuddle with me (laying down on the bed)
Ladybug: No.
Mama: Are you mad at me?
Ladybug: Yes.
Mama: Why?
Ladybug: Because you want to replace me.

Yep, I was right.  We talked some more until she was at least willing to look at me -- even though she was not yet willing to believe me that I was not replacing her.  And then we had to go on errands.  She stated she wasn't ready to forgive me.  She told me she still felt like "punishing" me.  I decided to just let that go.  She is allowed to feel that way as long as she remains polite and respectful.  And I let her know that.

We went on the errands, which included going to Toys R Us (yes, on black Friday) but she was emotionally exhausted from the attachment issues she opted to stay in the car (with me) and sleep.  Everybody else went in and shopped.

Not bad for a family weekend.

Mean Mama

Sibling differences

I was always knew my sister and I were very different.  But I never really understood how different.

We are biological siblings.  We were adopted into the same family.  We are both single.  And we are both mothers to 1 daughter.  And that is just about where things ends.

I have never kept things.  She is a pack rat.  I am introvert.  She is an extrovert.  I am a democrat.  She is a republican.  She goes to church weekly.  I don't ever go to church. 

But nothing shows our differences more than our parenting.  And I wondering how that happens?

My daughter is almost 7 years old and adopted.
Her daughter is 4.5 years old and her biological child.

Her daughter is happy -- I mean truly happy.  Giggles all the time.
My daughter -- well, if you have been reading this blog you know there are some issues we are working on.

Her daughter wants to learn -- is genuinely curious about everything.
My daughter, hates school and likes to play "dumb" a lot.

My daughter is one of the pickiest eaters I know.
Her daughter eats everything.  I mean, I have yet to find a food she does not like. 

It may sound like I wish I had her daughter.  I love my niece (K) but I would never trade my daughter for hers.

As much as Ladybug doesn't listen to me and it drives me insane -- K not only doesn't listen to her mom, she then laughs about it.  And my sister allows it.  After 3 days I was completely sick of hearing my sister say, "Stop it, K. No, stop it, K.  Seriously, stop it K."

She is completely incapable of sitting still.  Which can occasionally be a problem.  Like at a movie.  She bounced.  She jumped.  She kicked the chair in front of her.  She walked up an down the aisle.  She dumped candy on the people in front of us.  She talked.  I can't imagine Ladybug acting like that.  And if she did I would haul her out of the theater.  My sister promised her more candy if she sat still.  So she sat still -- for about 10 seconds.

Ladybug is independent.  K is incapable.  I know they are 2.5 years apart but ...  K is incapable of doing things that Ladybug did without question at her age.  K got wet playing outside and I asked her to change her pants.  So She laid down on the floor and stuck her feet up in the air.  Huh?  I asked what she was doing.  She said I told her to change her pants.  So I told her to take her pants off.  She didn't know how.  After I helped her with this I asked her to put her shoes on.  She didn't know how.  I had to give her a step by step lesson on how to put a sneaker on her foot.  Just getting her foot in the shoe.  As I watched later that day, I realized that my sister does all those types of things for her.  She does not undress or dress herself.  At all.

My sister was on the computer, I was cleaning up after dinner, and the girls were suppose to be watching TV in the living room.  K deciding to go digging for gold...in her nose.  Not too surprising, this cause a nose bleed.  Which K found to be amusing.  And ran around the house.  With my sister yelling from her computer for her to sit and deal with the bleeding nose.  And I tried not to interfere.  She is not my daughter.  My sister has the right to raise her child as she sees fit without my interference.

However, I do wish that either K or my sister would have told me that she was bleeding all over my cream colored carpet in the townhouse that I rent.  That would have been really nice.

Mean Mama

Could it be...

I have spent enough time complaining bitching talking about the sleep problems in our house.  She doesn't sleep.  Ever.  She must be in my bed.  All the time.  Oh, don't get me wrong... I love cuddle time.  But I want sleep.  And I am pretty sure I will not sleep well again until I have my bed back.

Maybe it is a good thing that I am single.

And this week I had another one of those Aha moments...

Ladybug has an Ikea bed.  I am not a fan of Ikea -- with either design or function.  Yes, I know I am the only person in American who feels that way. 

Last Thanksgiving I hosted.  During that holiday I gave up my bed to my dad and stepmom.  I slept in Ladybug's bed.  Ladybug camped out on my bedroom floor because she wanted to be near the grandparents. Awful!!!  I love my bed.  I wanted my bed.  I didn't sleep well -- well, worst than normal.  My back hurt.  I couldn't wait for the holidays to be over.  I wanted my bed.

This Thanksgiving I am hosting again.  This time with my mom.  This year I put my mom in Ladybug's bed and moved Ladybug into my bed with me.  And after just one night my mom is not enjoying Ladybug's bed. 

Yeah, that was the light bulb moment (did you miss it?).

Maybe... just maybe... Ladybug doesn't sleep in her bed because it is not comfortable!  Maybe she doesn't make it through a night because her bed is awful.  Yes, I said the IKEA bed is awful!  Maybe if she had a comfortable bed maybe she would actually sleep.  Maybe she would stay in her own bed.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Worth a try.

So on Sunday we went mattress shopping.  A single parent with an energetic and bored almost 7 year old in a practically empty mattress store.  In 2 mattress stores.  She managed to jump from one bed to the next all the way around the store.  Both stores. 

I did make her shoes off first.

And we ended up with a ridiculously expensive mattress.  I had no intention of spending that much.  But this is the only bed I will be buying her.  It comes with a 10 year warranty.  And the sales lady knocked off $50 because she was amused by Ladybug.

This might be my most expensive experiment yet.  Hope it works.

Mean Mama

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger

I have kept a brief journal of my exercise routine.  I have heard it takes 28 days to form a habit.  I am trying to make this a habit. 

Day #1: I started the exercise routine. I walked 1 mile in 28 minutes. I might have been able to crawl faster -- nope, I have bad knees. Guess I will just be happy that I made it a mile without dying.

Day #2:  I did a 25 minute mile (shaved off 3 minutes) from yesterday's time.  And then did 15 minutes on the elliptical -- kind of slow.  But 15 minutes is still 15 minutes. And Ladybug still bitched it was not enough time -- apparently she likes spending time in the game room.

Day #3: 33 minute mile... Why? Massive legs cramps. Walking and texting don't mix.  I spent the entire mile trying to text a friend while I walking.  I think I could have looked more graceful if I were drunk.  And the leg cramps are getting old.  Calves cramping -- both legs.  Lower back aching.  This is no fun.


Day #4: Tonight's workout included a 27 minute mile with only a minor leg cramp in my left calf and pain in my lower back -- that's what I get for carrying my weight around my belly.  And 20 minutes on the elliptical. Tomorrow I get to learn how to use all the machines in the gym -- at least that is what I hope I learn.

Day #5: Today kicked my butt -- I am going to opt to believe it was because it was a morning workout. I learned how to use the weights. Then I walked on the track. I did a 22 minute mile -- which led me to believe I lost count so I walked a few extra laps (15 laps equals 1 mile). Then I did 10 minutes on the machine that I have no idea what it is called. I will call it the elliptical, stepper torture machine. Just 10 minutes and I was sweating and panting.  If it is that hard, I am sure it is good for me.


Day #6:  In my world I rest on the 6th day.  Okay, I actually didn't even leave the house.  And if I were to be really honest, I didn't even get out of pajamas -- good thing it was a Sunday and not a work day.


Day #7: Short trip to the gym because of time crunch... I got out of work late and then Ladybug was having some behavioral issues.  I did weights for the entire body.. I lowered the expectation on my calves because apparently they still have no real muscle tone. 10 minutes on the torture machine. Then home to a delicious homecooked Ethiopian dinner - because the healthy eating started today.

Day #8:   Tonight I did a 26 minute mile on the track (which I felt good about until I watched The Biggest Loser tonight and saw that a 63 year old woman with 2 bad knees and weighed about the same as me could do a 26 mile).  Then 10 minutes on the torture machine (which is apparently called the ARC) before heading home to cook a fresh meal.

Day #9:  I completed weight training tonight. Then I decided to do 10 minutes on the ARC. But the AMT machine was available -- it is never available. So I decided to try it. You step and glide and peddle -- plus move your arms. There is no track so the machine responds to your body movements. So you must be coordinated to do this. Or you look like a fool. I looked like a fool and it kicked my butt. I made it 5 minutes before wanting to pass out. Then home for some pasta with some home made sauce. YUM.

Day #10:  OMG -- I think I am in love. But I am getting ahead of myself. Today was a cardio day. I started out with the plan to walk a mile and then get serious about cardio. So off to the track I went. And at lap 4 my calves were cramping - again. And I thought ... walking is the least effective exercise and, for me, the most painful. So after 5 laps -- 1/3 mile, I left the track. I can spend my time better.  I then did 20 minutes on the elliptical ... getting my heart rate to about 130. And then I promised that I would try the AMT machine again. I made it 5 minutes yesterday. Could I do 6 today? I walked to the cardio balcony and was disappointed to see that one of the 3 AMT machines was available. I think I actually groaned out loud. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to do it. But I got on. As I reached minute 2 I thought I was going to die. So I closed my eyes, concentrated on my breathing and tuned out everything (if I had an iPod then I could have also drowned out the peppy little aerobics instructor yelling out encouragement while telling people to do the impossible). And fell in love! I opened my eyes at just past the 6 minute mark. Feeling happy. Energized. And ready to keep going. But I knew I had hit the "runner's high" and I needed to stop even though I knew I could do more. Oh yeah, I am in love.  And I want back on that machine now.


Ten days down -- 18 days to go...


Mean Mama

chicken stir fry

I didn't take photos while I cooked (time crunch on a week night) so I will just provide the recipe.


1 tablespoon of  cornstarch
1 cup of chicken broth
1/2 tablespoon of soy sauce
1/2 pound of chicken breast (cut into bite size pieces)
lots and lots of veggies (I used red, orange and yellow peppers and snap peas)
pinch of ground ginger
pinch of garlic powder

Combine the first 3 ingredients.  Fry the chicken. Add the veggie and spices.  When cooked add the sauce and cook until the sauce thickens.  Serve over rice.

This is what it looked like...

It was "okay" but not great.  Well, Ladybug didn't even think it was okay.  I think next time I will cut the cornstarch in half (leaves a funky aftertaste), eliminate the ginger (I am beginning to realize that I have issues with ginger), and use some pineapple.  It is a fairly quick and healthy dinner and if I can tweak it to my liking that we will have it in the future a lot.

Mean Mama

Smile, be happy

Ladybug has a few long term friends.  There is H -- from her first day care.  They met when they were 2.  They hit it off immediately.  And it turned out that H's father's job took him to Ethiopia several times a year.  It was nice for Ladybug.  And I really liked her parents.  Then she has B -- from her third day care.  Quiet.  Shy.  And really liked Ladybug.  I question the parenting of mom (not that it is terrible, just different then what I want for Ladybug).  But I think B is the opposite of Ladybug and a good influence.  And then there is M -- the daughter of my best friend from college.  They love each other.  They hate each other.  Can't wait to see each other and within 2 minutes they are fighting.

Last year I thought she was off to a good start at making friends at school.  P and H and A and C and Z...  Great progress.  But this year she was separated from all -- yes ALL -- of her friends.  I was disappointed.  Because she de-invested (is that a word?).  She figures, why bother if she has to start over every year.  I harp on her to make friends all the time.  She is starting to remember the names of her classmates -- 3 months into the year. 

She is not a popular kid.  Neither was I.  I never cracked that code.  And now I don't care.  But I look back on my life growing up and I know what is in front of her.  And I want to be easier for her.  I don't want her to feel like an outsider.  If I ask who her friends are right now in school she will say nobody.  And that is so sad to me. 

So I decided to look at why.  And I think I know -- because life is so simple that I can figure this out in an evening.  She is negative.  This might be something she got from me.  I am naturally a pessimist.  I remember getting a paper back from my 9th grade teacher that had one note on it: "You are too young to be this pessimistic."  She throws dirty looks.  She crosses her arms and stops her feet.  She huffs.  She puffs.  She gets angry.  She is bossy.  She is unhappy. 

So we are working on being happy.  Because people want to be around other happy people.  They want friends that make them feel good.  And she is 6!  It is all down hill from here.  Be happy now.  Happy!  Smile.  Laugh.  Be nice.  See the good.  Let's see how a naturally pessimistic person can teach a child to be a happy person.

Mean Mama

my little artist

Ladybug likes her art teacher.  And it shows.

And they all hang proudly on my living room walls -- in time for the holidays and guests.

Mean Mama