Attachment Disorder

One of my depressive issues lately is that I am lost about Ladybug.  Lots of behaviors.  No help.  No hope.  Feel free to read back through posts to get an idea.

I love her.  Really.  I do.  I can't image life without her.  But that does not mean that living with her is easy.  She is angry.  Generally speaking.  She finds the negative in everything.  She fights me on everything.  She hates everything.  She is unhappy.  And she enjoys making everyone around her unhappy.  She pushes and pushes and pushes.  Then I explode.  And she smiles.  She is so proud of herself when she see me lose it.  She saps my energy.  She sees me struggle.  And she finds pleasure with it. 

I wonder what is going on.  Is she testing?  Is she mad about something?  Is she bipolar?  What is going on?

A friend of mine suggested that perhaps she has an attachment disorder.  I connected with a friend who is raising a child with an attachment disorder (not RAD).  Her child is officially diagnosed.  I described Ladybug.  And she says Ladybug sounds just like her child. 

So, of course, I have diagnosed her.  I know I am not allowed to.  And what I know about attachment disorders could fit on the head of a pen.  I contacted her teacher in order to find contact information for the school counselor.  She finally connected me with the counselor.  And I have spent the last week just trying to schedule an appointment.  Still none is scheduled.  I know she is not a counselor I can use for this issue.  But she is a counselor for kids... in a local school.  I just want her resources.  Help me out here.  I mean my child is beating up other kids at school -- on a regular basis.  Please take my concerns seriously.

I don't care WHAT the issue is.  Just tell me how to make it better.  Tell me how to like my child -- I already love her.  Tell me how to make peace in my house, my life.  Put me on the right path.  I am asking for help and I can't get it.

But I am feeling a little more hopeful today then I was last week.  Maybe I will be able to figure this out. 

Mean Mama (rambling)

Too much homework

I have entirely too much homework for being in kindergarten.  Oh wait... I am not in kindergarten.  My child is.  So why does it feel like I have homework.  I don't remember having homework in kindergarten.  But I don't remember much about kindergarten.

Ladybug is fast approaching the 100th day of school.  So they have a project to celebrate that.  I don't remember celebrating that.  Each kid must do a project with 100 as the theme.  So they could draw a picture with 100 things.  Or they could write a story with 100 characters (yes that was a suggestion on the instructions sent home).  100.  So I asked Ladybug what she wanted to do.  Any guesses???

She wanted to do a display with 100 horses.  100 horses!!!  We don't have 100 horses.

We settled on a picture on poster board.  With 100 flowers (which we have from a previous project).  Here we are ready to start.

She is still in her pjs.  But then -- so am I .

Simple list of items: poster board, construction paper, scissors, glue, and paper flowers.

We apparently need more glue.  It was hard to squeeze out.  Which led her to complaining that she didn't have enough muscles.  But she cut.  And she glued.  She also counted.  And this is our final project.

One project done...many more to do.

Mean Mama

Lost

I know my blog is called "losing it" but I am feeling really lost lately.  I know I am not suppose to be here doing this.  I know this isn't my life.  This isn't what I had planned.  This isn't what I dreamed.  This isn't what I wished for.  But I am unsure what was.  I feel hopeless.  And empty.  I feel tired.

Things with Ladybug are difficult.  Despite the fact that her birth certificate says she is 6 years old, her attitude is screaming 13.  I finally got in touch with the school counselor to ask for some hints.  She has offered me 15 minutes.  Is that because I am over reacting?  I don't expect her to solve my problems -- just point to some resources.  But 15 minutes is not enough time to understand the issues much less provide the appropriate resources.

I never thought of myself as unemployable before.  I have quit jobs on a whim and the trust that I would get another one before it was a problem.  I have moved nearly 1000 miles away with no job, no apartment, no clue.  And trusted that it would work out.  But I can't seem to even get an interview -- well except for with the company that immediately shut down after my interview. 

I am 40 + something and I have never owned a home.  I know I am not the only one, I know.  I want my own home.  I don't want to feel transitional anymore.

I guess I am just feeling lost and no real idea how to make it turn around.  It just makes me wonder -- how did I get here?

Mean Mama

storage

Ladybug has a dresser.  An old dresser.  My friend gave it to me.  About 20 years ago.  She used it as a child.  And her father used it when he was a child.  So it is old.  A small 4 drawer dresser.  White. See it?

Ignore the messy bed.

The problem is that the drawers are hard to open and close.  And sometimes it gives her splinters.  It also doesn't have much "counter" space.  So I decided to get rid of it.  She needed an update.  But dressers are expensive.  Even on craigslist.  And the ones that are not expensive go in about 2.4 seconds.

So I decided on a new option.  I assembled it today.

I made her make the bed for this photo.

It is not complete.  I still need 6 more cube baskets.  But I like it.

Now I just need to get a bookcase to hold all her books in the manner they are suppose to be store.  One step at a time.

Mean Mama

7 pounds

My goal for the week was 7 pounds.  And my accomplishment for the week was 7 pounds.  Well, it was 6.8 pounds.  Only problem is that I GAINED 6.8 pounds.  I am dieting and I gained 6.8 pounds in one week!!!!  That wasn't suppose to happen.

In my defense --- yeah, I got nothing.  There is no defense.  I gained.  6.8 pounds.  That is depressing. 

I am hoping that the next week is better then the last week.  At this point I am thinking it can't get any worse.

Mean Mama

Playing at the park

Today I took Ladybug to the park.  A really nice park.  On a really nice day.  So I knew there would be a lot of people there.  A lot of kids there. This is good.  She would get the chance to play with other kids.  Not at school.  Not at daycare.  Just other random kids.  I did not want to be her playmate.  Not because I am mean...but because she needs to learn to make friends with people her age.

So we went.  I took a book.  I set myself on a bench and sent her off to play.  I could see her.  I read.  But I wanted to see her succeed at this.  She immediately found a dad.  Not a little girl.  Not a little boy.  A dad.  And she started talking to him.  I could see him looking around for her parent.  He didn't see me.  Well, he did... he just didn't realize I was mom.  So after awhile of her "playing" with the dad, I went over and sat within conversation distance from her.  The dad left.

I encouraged her to go play again.  She begged me to push her on the swing.  Something she can do herself.  I told her to go play.  So she conned a mom into pushing her.  What was I going to do?  Tell the mom not to push her? 

When the mom moved on she found another mom with 3 girls to play with.  A little further away from me.  And I let her play.  But she stuck close to the mom.  Until the mom and kids left.

Again I encouraged her to go play.  This should not be so difficult.  She began to explore a little.  Wander a little further.  Finally she yelled at me that she was heading to a different section.  I slowly followed.  By the time I arrived she was playing.  With a mom and 2 little kids.  I watched.  The mom let her kids (who were both younger than Ladybug) play together.  And the mom played with Ladybug.  The mom would not move more than about 4 feet away from Ladybug.  Finally she seemed to realize I was mom.  So this mom relaxed some.  But she still played with her. 

As we were leaving I was worried.  Why does Ladybug not know how to play with other kids?  I don't remember ever having that kind of problem.  And I am an introvert by nature.  Ladybug is an extrovert.  Why can't she find a kid to play with? 

And then I realized why.  It isn't that she is socially stunted.  It is because families stick together.  Even at the park.  Siblings play with each other.  Only.  If there are no siblings then they play with the parents.  Kids are not encouraged to play with each other if they do not know each other.  So here comes my little girl (only child) encouraged to go play with the other kids (who are not her siblings) and the other parents are horrified that I am not playing with my child.

Apparently I am not only a "mean mama" but I am also a "bad mama."

Mean Mama

Keeping them busy

I have got to complain about this.  Really.  I mean, it may be a little hypocritical, but still.

I remember when Ladybug first came home I swore I would not get a DVD player for the car.  I did not have one as a kid...she did not need one for the car.  And then I got one.  She is allowed to use it for long car rides only.  It is not mounted.  Let me define "long car ride" for you: anything over 12 hours.  I can not listen to her music for 12 hours and I need some peace (I do some of my best thinking on the road).  She even knows better than to ask for it for anything other than a long car ride.

But I have to say that I am rather horrified at the number of children who are purposefully pacified by electronics.  Last month I took Ladybug to get her flu vaccine at the doctors.  We waited in the pediatrics office, let me repeat that PEDIATRICS OFFICE.  There were plenty of families there waiting for appointments of one kind of another.  Parents and kids.  The oldest child there was about 7 (just guessing, did not take a survey) but most were under the age of 4 years old.  Not one, again, NOT ONE, child was empty handed (except mine).  They had hand held games, small computers, iPads, cell phones (their own or their parents).  All were playing games.  Ladybug felt left out.

I recently bought a new phone -- it was time for an upgrade.  I went in with my list of requirements and talked to someone about the possibilities.  With the list of phones (which was short) I went home and researched them online.  I read customer reviews.  The phone I ended up buying had one major fault by those who reviewed it.  No games.  NO GAMES!  It is a phone.  Not a gaming system.  When the sales clerk asked me what I wanted the phone to do I responded, "Make and answer phone calls."  Really.  Why does my phone need games?  Oh, so I can let my child play mind numbing games while in public so everyone things I have a well behaved child.

But the most shocking thing I saw recently is this...  I was out to dinner for the office Christmas party.  I had dropped Ladybug off for an overnight with a friend (another single mom who agreed to share with me as her Christmas party was the following night).  We went to a nice, but still family friendly restaurant.  We were sitting, chatting, drinking, waiting for our food when the table next to us was seated with 3 couples and a baby.  By "baby" let me define: less than 6 months.  They say hello and sit.  Then the mom of this baby begins hauling out the "necessary" equipment.  Which included... a DVD player.  A DVD player!!  For a 6 month old!!!  Really!

Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?

Mean Mama

diet update

I have finished week 1 of this round of dieting.  I do not have any photographic proof of my success (or failure).  Because I still do not have a functioning camera.  I really need to buy a new camera.

At the end of week one I am down 4 pounds.  Exactly 4 pounds.  Of course I would love it to be 10.  But the reality is I should only plan on 1/2 pound per day.  So 4 pounds is right on target.  I am counting this as a success for week 1.

However, in order to meet my goal of 20 pounds this round I must drop 7 pounds this week and 7 pounds next week.  This is a tall order to fill.  But if I stay focused it is possible.

Mean Mama

slip sliding

Keeping it light today...because my child is having a bad day...

As I was dropping Ladybug off school...as I waited patiently for the car pool lane to move...I saw a funny thing.  It wasn't meant to be funny.  And it probably wasn't nice to laugh.  But I had to stiffle the laugh because Ladybug was still in the car.

Two boys, about age 10, were walking to school.  They came up the stairs to the school yard.  They were wearing sneakers but they must have had poor tread.  They started sliding on the ice.  You know, the kind of skiding where they are really trying to stay on their feet but there is little hope and they look funny as they twist and turn and jerk about.  Finally one of the boys, in an effort to regain his balanace, lets go of his backpack.  Which immediately slides all the way down the hill they just came up.  The other boy has a delayed reaction but eventually reaches out to grab the backpack.  But since he is delayed he over reaches and falls on his butt...and slides all the way down the hill.  The original boy reaches to save his friend and he finally loses his battle to stay on his feet.  He then slides all the way down the hill.

Then the car pool lane moved so I didn't see if they had round 2 or if they made it to school.

Mean Mama

Winter weather

I traveled north for the winter.  I drove.  A lot.  In the winter.  If I am driving in the north in winter I can guarantee you that I will be driving in the snow. 

I even drove through mountains.  Into mountains.  It was blizzard conditions on the first night.  Not a drop of snow until I was about 1 hour from my destination.  That one hour turned into about 2.5 hours.  Slow and steady.  Do not brake.  Do NOT brake.  Give plenty of room.  And do not get in front of a truck.  Slow and steady but we made it.  When I left the next day, I was driving in another storm...through the mountains.  I got stuck behind an SUV (with local plates) going about 10 miles an hour, in the snow, though the mountains.  You can not, can not, I repeat, can not go 10 miles an hour in a snow storm on unplowed roads, up a mountain, and expect to make up that mountain.  Safety sometimes requires a little bit of speed.

I did, however, opt to spend a night in a hotel one night, instead of driving up a mountain in a storm, on icy roads, at night.  My mom lives in the "high peak" region.  It just seemed safer.  Silly, too.  Since the hotel we stayed in was in a city that was not getting any snow.  We stopped because of the storm which hadn't reached the city we were in.  But anything north of the city had snow -- and it was in the mountains so no real hotels.

And now I am back home and faced with a storm.  I know storms are not the norm in this area.  I am also really aware that because it is not the norm people don't have a clue as to how to drive in any snow.  So for my own safety I stay off the roads.  I can drive in the snow (and seem to like too prove it every winter) but it doesn't really matter if nobody else on the road knows how to drive in snow.

So last night the snow started.  But the panic started long before that.  Ladybug has an early release on Monday.  They wanted the kids to get home before the snow started.  She was released at 1:15 pm.  We live right next to the school.  Literally.  I kept an eye on the website which listed delays and closings.  By about 5pm she had a delay for Tuesday morning.  Two hours.  Some time after dark -- after 7pm -- it started snowing.  Six hours after the early release we saw the first flakes.  6 hours! 

I watched the news.  We would seem accumulation.  Fun!  And then he defined "accumulation".  We were expecting anywhere from 1/10 to 1/5 of an inch of snow.  Say what?  Where I grew up that amount of snow would not even make the weather report.  Seriously.  I remember storms where we got 2 feet of snow overnight and I didn't even bother to check for delays or cancellations.  But it is different here.

By the time I got up Ladybug's school was canceled for the day.  To be fair -- there was a sheet of ice on my car.  But there was no snow on the ground.  None.  But ice is dangerous.  So we stayed home.  Actually didn't even bother to get out of my pajamas.

Ladybug's school is on a 2 hour delay for tomorrow.  Wait...it hasn't snowed today.  Why do we have a delay?  Don't argue.  Just shake your head and move on.  The website is reporting 758 local closings and delays for tomorrow.  I guess we will see what the morning brings.

Mean Mama