nerves

I am nervous.  And hopeful.  And scared out of my mind.

Ladybug met with the psychiatrist today.  And for the most part things went well.  She showed her true self.  And the psychiatrist (who Ladybug calls Dr. Swiper - after Dora - because she can't pronounce her last name) says that Ladybug does not need meds at this time.  She said she wouldn't rule it out in the future just yet but she would not take that approach first.  It makes me happy that she is not rushing to medicate my child.  That is a good thing.  She says Ladybug is smart -- maybe too smart.  She says Ladybug has attachment issues but at the same time shows real signs of wanting to fully attach.  She says that Ladybug is emotional and might have anger/rage issues.  She says that Ladybug is very open to therapy and would likely benefit from it quickly -- more so then most kids she sees.  So it is back to therapy on Monday with Miss Kitty (okay not her real name but I will remember it).  Despite the fact that I am spending a boat load of money I do not have, I am happy with my choices around this so far.

That was the hopeful part.

The nervous part is ... I have a job interview in the morning.  I hate job interviews.  I hate selling myself.  I hate it.  Look, here is the deal.  I am good.  I can do the job or I wouldn't have applied.  And you will not regret hiring me.  And if I suck, I promise to quit.  1 minute.  I could do that kind of job interview.  But alas I am sure that is not how it will go.  It will be a phone interview.  9:30am.  Luckily the bosses are out of town so I can do this without their knowledge on short notice.  My understanding is there will be more than one person on the other end of the phone -- no pressure there.  It would be a rather significant pay cut for me.  And since money is already tight I have to seriously consider if I can handle it financially.  One of the options I am considering (and I am open to any random stranger's opinion on this) is cashing in my IRA, paying off my credit cards, paying a large chunk on my car loan and then refinancing the rest of it, and then maybe I can afford the lower salary.  Maybe. Do I really want to start fresh with saving for retirement at age 40 + something?   I need to do more research on things like cost of living in that area (rent, heat, etc).  I need to figure out summer camps and after school. 

All this makes my heart beat faster than it should.

Mean Mama

Diagnosis

Ladybug met the new therapist last week. 

I am more impressed with her now.  She did research on her own to see if there is anybody in the area that is more qualified to help us.  I like that.  It makes me more confident that she is the right person.  I also like that again she validated what I was going through.  She was concerned about the school counselor workshop.  She was concerned that the school refused to entertain the idea of an IEP.  But most importantly, Ladybug liked her.  And she is excited about going back to see her.  She was comfortable talking to her alone.  I don't know how things went exactly.  We have another appointment scheduled for next week.  The counselor said we would talk after that.  And she also said, "I got some interesting things from her."  It still feels like we are on the right path.

And today I met with the psychiatrist.  I am considering the option of medication.  I am open to it if it is the right decision.  I am not interested in it if it is the easy decision.  One meeting.  She still needs to meet Ladybug.  She has talked to me.  She has talked to the therapist (same practice).  She has reviewed all the notes.  She is concerned that Ladybug may have an attachment issue.  Finally.  She is also concerned about possible ADHD and rage issues.  As she put it, "It really as if your daughter refuses to allow herself be parented."

Yep, that about sums it up.

Mean Mama

Girls Love Your Curls

I found this woman on Youtube a while ago.  I love her series.  She is on a break right now because she has recently given birth.  She has inspired me to try to make my own hair (and skin) moisturizer.

Watch.  Listen.  Consider the options.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtYSAuXaJTE

Mean Mama

Mother and Child

I watched a movie on Netflix last night -- instant play on the computer (with headphones) in an attempt to avoid watching Toy Story 3 for the millionth time.  I have had embarrassingly bad luck with movie choices lately so I did not have a lot of faith in my movie choice this time.

I picked Mother and Child.  I recognized almost every actress in the movie and yet I can not remember the name of any of them at the moment.  All very good actresses.  Oh, and Jimmy Smits was in it.  And I was completely surprised that for the first time ever I did not find him uncontrollably sexy.  But that is besides the point.

The movie follows 3 apparently unconnected women.  A 50 something year old woman who gave birth as a teenager and gave the child up for adoption.  A 30 something year old woman who is an adult adoptee.  And a professional woman who has decided to become a mother through adoption.  All members of the triad are represented.  And I have say that I was impressed.  With the script and the acting.  I think they did an excellent job portraying the how adoption can affect a life. 

I was annoyed with their inability to keep a proper time line.  When the movie opens the potential adoptive mother meets with a potential birth mother.  The birth mother is about 6 months pregnant.  At the beginning of the movie the adoptee meets and starts dating a new guy.  And yet the 2 women end of up giving birth right around the same time.  Really?  I mean, even if one is late and the other is premature we are talking about a huge gestation period issue.  And then at the end of the movie they do a one year gap before they wrap up the movie.  And the show one of the babies that was born.  But that "baby" is a toddler.  Or the biggest, most developed, most advanced 1 year old I have ever seen. 

But what struck me this morning was the adoptee.  I don't want to spoil the movie for anybody who might still want to see it.  But I will say, I woke up thinking, "I wonder if that is what attachment disorder looks like all grown up?"  No lasting relationships.  No ability to connect. No compassion for how your behaviors might affect others.  I don't want that for my girl.  I don't want her to be alone and hard and calculating as an adult. 

And that is why.  That is why we go through this.  Each step.  Painstakingly.  Through every step of the issues. So she has a shot at a normal life as an adult.

Mean Mama

little break throughs

Some of the words that Ladybug hates (and hate is not really a strong enough word here) include "please" "thank you" and "I'm sorry."  She not only refuses to use them, but she is proud of herself when she manages to get what she wants without using those kinds of words.  As a matter of fact, I heard her telling a random dad at the park yesterday that she hates those words and refuses to use them.  Luckily this was a smart dad (and not a smart ass dad) and he addressed the issue immediately.

Today Ladybug and I were playing around and she got upset with me.  So she started screaming at me.  I tried to get her to chill out without making it a big deal.  But she wanted it to be a big deal.  She screamed louder at me.  And louder until finally I shut her down.  I told her it was completely unacceptable for a child to ever yell at a parent like that.  She sulked away and sat and stared at me.  I am not sure if she was giving me a dirty look (but I am assume she was) because I refused to look at her.  Oh, I could see her out of the corner of my eye but I did not want her to know I was paying attention to her.  I let her sit there and think.

Now normally that is not a good thing.  Normally she would just stew.  And the anger would just grow.  It would set up a blow out.  But she has been fairly even keel lately.  She has been willing to communicate -- albeit not linear thought.  So I let her stew.  What would she do?  Could she regulate herself?  Could she get it right?

After about 5 minutes she came over to where I was sitting.  She leaned her head against my shoulder.  And she said, "Mama, I am sorry I yelled at you."  And she meant it.  It was in her voice.  So I made it a ridiculous celebration.  I hugged her.  I smiled.  I told her how proud of her I was.  I told her it was the best day ever. And it a lot of ways, it was.  She smiled and giggled and basked in the glory of my pride.

And then she told me that I forgot to kiss the top of her head.  Apparently I always kiss the top of her head when she comes to lean on my shoulder.  So apparently she does seek out my love and affection.

Mean Mama

back in the saddle

I have not forgotten that I am suppose to be job hunting.  So I can move.  I look through all the ads.  I have more bookmarked job site websites then I could begin to think about.  I look.  But there is nothing.  So I decided to expand my places.  And still I can't find anything. 

And then this week I found 2 job possibilities.  They are both in the same town.  The town is about 3 hours away from the town my mom lives in.  Not ideal but still so much better.  It would also put me about 7 hours from my father.  Which is pretty good too.  It would be so nice to be a short drive away from family -- instead of 2 days.  And bonus is that it would put me one town away from my best friend from college.  Actually one of the jobs I am applying for is her job.  She just got a new job so I am applying for hers. 

Both jobs are ones I am capable of doing.  Both jobs I can afford to live on -- although neither is a raise from my current job.  Both jobs would allow me to be closer to family, friends, and supports.  Both jobs would allow me to check on one of my "to do" items on my list.  Both jobs would remove one stress from my life. 

Fingers crossed.  And if I get one of the jobs, fingers crossed that I can figure out how to actually make the move.

Mean Mama

Sometimes I hear things

On Monday I was exhausted.  I could not stay awake.  I was so tired that if I had to stay awake for 5 more minutes I was going to start crying.  So I bribed the kid.  I promised her Dancing With The Stars if she took a nap with me.  I know bribing is not the best form of parenting.  But it is affective.  Short term.  But she took the bait.  And we slept.  For hours.  It felt so good.

So she got Dancing With The Stars.  And once it was over I sent her to bed.  Only she had slept for hours in the afternoon.  So for the next couple of hours I just yelled up threats to her.  Nothing worked.  Oh, no worries...I followed through on every threat.  But I was hoping she would just go to bed.  She didn't.  Until about 1am.

On Tuesday morning I got up and started to walk down the stairs.  Now, I know I need to vacuum.  Especially the stairs which always seems to be on the back burner.  And it was morning, so I was surprised I noticed anything.  But I noticed that the stairs seemed to be shedding.  The carpet on the stairs, to be exact.  So I stopped and asked Ladybug about it.  The look on her face told me she knew something but her mouth was not moving.  Eventually she pointed to a little corner of the carpet at the top of the stairs.  Apparently while she was refusing to go to sleep the night before she used her time to pick at the carpet, thread by thread, and threw the pieces down the stairs.  Perfect!  Great!

Tuesday night came.  I put her in bed.  I read her a story.  She promised to sleep.  I had not made her nap.  And yet I spent the next couple of hours yelling up threats to her...again.  Just go to sleep!  I never got a response from her.  She didn't say anything at all.  But I heard her.  I heard her moving through her room.  I heard her playing.  I heard it.  Why why why was my threats not working?

When I went to bed I checked on her.  She was sound asleep.  Knocked out.  And as I watched her sleep for a few minutes I realized something.  Earlier in the day, in attempt to clean out the smell in her room, I had opened her windows.  The windows were open but the shades were closed.  And as I watched her the shades moved.  And made noises.  The same noises that made it sound like she was playing in her room.  She had been asleep the whole time.  And I was apparently threatening the window.

Mean Mama

Dealing with Stress

 On Sunday, after not having such a great day, I ended the day with 7 goals for Monday.

1. Finish her hair
2. Go to doctor for blood lab work
3. Go to bank to at least temporarily resolve the financial issues
4. Therapy (the stress of introducing Ladybug and paying for it)
5. Call someone to fix the dryer
6. Do laundry (one way or another)
7. Clean house (so I am not embarrassed to have someone come into my house to fix the dryer)

So I thought I would give you an update.

1.  I finished her hair.  I don't like it.  She can't wear her bike helmet.  And it is not going to last long.  So I will start the process of the hanging twists again soon.  I think they will be smaller this time -- which means more to do.  And I need to be better about caring for them.

2.  I went to the doctor for my lab work.  I am such a baby about needles and having blood drawn.  But Ladybug is standing there.  Watching the whole thing.  I don't even watch the process.  She might actually be a doctor some day.  And then I remembered that I needed to refill my medication -- the reason for the blood work.  Which is where found the photo in my previous post.

3.  I went to the bank.  I deposited the money I had.  I cashed some savings bonds.  I have the ability to make it through to the next paycheck.

4.  Therapy is done.  I met with her first.  I told her about the school counselor.  She told me I can go to the workshops but I am not to even attempt in any way whatsoever to use them on Ladybug.  She was also not surprised I encountered resistance from the school in seeking an IEP.  What I loved was the feeling of being validated.  She saw what I was saying.  And she had a plan.  She also did some research to make sure that she was the right person to help me.  She found another therapist in the area that might be better.  She gave me the information and asked me to research the group myself.  And then she met Ladybug for the first time.  They went off together and chatted.  Ladybug liked her -- I am not surprised.  All the therapist told me is that she got lots of interesting stuff.  We are scheduled to talk in 2 weeks.  Next week both Ladybug and I meet with the psychiatrist.

5.  On Monday I did not call to have someone fix my dryer.  I was afraid.  I didn't know who to call.  I researched online and that only made me more confused.  And then I had an idea.  I went down to my complex office and talked to my friend (a friend manages the complex).  She gave me the name of a person I could trust.  I called him this morning at 9:30am.  He was at my door at 11am.  And my dryer was fixed at 11:30am.  And he cut me a break financially.  Now I need to get busy doing laundry.

6.  I did not do laundry yesterday.  I did do laundry today.  It is not done yet.  But I am doing a lot.  Linens...

7.  I did not clean the house yesterday.  I did not even fake it.  But after the phone call to the dryer man, I got busy.  I cleaned the laundry room -- kind of important.  And half the kitchen -- didn't get to the floor.  I sprayed down Ladybug's room -- it stank.  Ladybug cleaned the downstairs bathroom and her bathroom sink -- she asked if she could help.  The kitchen floor needs to be cleaned, the living room is desperate, and I need to finish bedrooms.

1. So my goals for tomorrow include:
2. clean kitchen floor
3. clean living room
4. bills
5. sign Ladybug up for summer camp
6. give stuff to good will
7. get the recycling out of the house
8. finish the laundry
9. get out summer clothes
10. start new hair style on Ladybug

Big dreams.  But how else do I get things done? 

Mean Mama

Stress

I hear that a little stress is good for you.  Stress is what makes us do things.  Not all stress is negative.

But my stress level today was close to  -- paralyzing.  At the very least it had reached the "unhealthy" level.

I woke up knowing that I needed to get a grip on my finances.  I have started this process.  And it has only led to more stress.  Because I am now more in tune with my finances.  This week I have kept a close eye on it.  So now I am acutely aware that I have NO money.  But I needed to jump online today and see exactly what my balance is.  I sat here.  I had the computer on my lap.  But I could not bring myself to pull up the website.  The longer I sat here the faster my heart beat.  My breath became shallow.  My palms started to sweat.  This is not a blind date!  I could never handle a blind date.  Way too stressful.  So eventually I got online because my chest felt terrible.

Pulling up the website did not help the heart rate or the breathing.  My balance?  $211.  That is not good.  I get paid once a month.  On the last day of the month.  And most of bills have not been paid yet this month.  What was I going to do?

I took a shower.  And while there I thought.  Sometimes my best thinking is in the shower.  It use to be when I ran but I don't run anymore.  And I decided that I need to cash in a few bonds.  I only have a few left (unless I count the ones for Ladybug).  I am hesitant to use them.  But I need to pay bills.  I need to stop using next months money to pay this month.  I need to buy groceries.  And I won't even tell you how much I need to spend in therapy this month.  Once out of the shower I get back online and determine which bonds are getting cashed.  Problem solved.  Hopefully.

Then I go grocery shopping.  I decide that I need to buy the food on my credit card.  Because I have $211.  We go through the store buying food.  I am trying to shave off money from my normal bill.  But Ladybug is home for spring break this week.  All meals are mine.  So I buy cheap this week.  So that means no fresh produce.  No fresh meats.  I am pretty sure all I bought is junk.  And I am sure that will do wonders for my stress level.  The groceries get rung up and I have spent nearly $40 less then week then I normally do.  That is a good savings.  But I am not looking forward to the meals.  And then I swipe the credit card and hold my breath.  My credit card company has started shutting off accounts if you are one day late paying.  I know I paid it.  I know the check cleared my account.  But I am still nervous.  Approved!  But it takes a while for my breathing and heart rate to return to normal.

When I got home I put away my groceries.  And threw the laundry in.  Ladybug swears she did not pee the bed.  And it is not wet.  Or discolored.  But it smells like pee.  So I decided to not only do all my regular Sunday laundry (I typically do it all in one day) but also her linens.  First load done and I throw it in the dryer.  I turn it on.  And it doesn't sound right.  Upon further inspection I discover that the dryer is turning on but it is not really functioning.  The drum is not rotating.  It is getting hot.  But I worry about it getting hot with the drum not rotating.  So now I need a new dryer.  Or new to me dryer.  Or get it repaired.  Off to craigslist.  And need to find a local laundromat.  I am almost out of clean underwear.  And definitely out of the ones that are comfortable to wear.  I drape the linens around my kitchen.

Then it is hair time.  She whines.  And yells.  And screams.  And asks if it is almost done -- after 5 seconds.  But I plod along.  Just get it done.  Anything.  I am 2/3 of the way done when I realize that I just don't like it.  It just doesn't look pretty.  And I am sure it won't last long.  But she is at her limit.  And I am not doing well.  If she goes off, I will lose it.  My tolerance is very low.  So I stop.  Maybe I will like it more tomorrow.  Maybe I will finish it tomorrow.

Tomorrow -- first day of spring break -- the chores include:

1. Finish her hair
2. Go to doctor for blood lab work
3. Go to bank to at least temporarily resolve the financial issues
4. Therapy (the stress of introducing Ladybug and paying for it)
5. Call someone to fix the dryer
6. Do laundry (one way or another)
7. Clean house (so I am not embarrassed to have someone come into my house to fix the dryer)

Sorry, Ladybug.  Not a very fun first day of spring break.

Mean Mama

End of a style

On March 19th I put a million hanging twists in Ladybug's hair.  Okay... that is a slight exaggeration.  For the first 2 weeks I was really good about styling it and moisturizing it.  At the end of week 1 and week 2 I even re-twisted ones that needed some work.

But then on week 3 I got lazy.  I justified it.  I intended to take it out at the end of the week so I didn't need to worry so much about it.  So I "forgot" to moisturize it.  And I let it hang in her face more days.  But at the end of week 3 she had a sleep over.  Hair tends to be an all weekend event.  So I didn't get to it.  And now as we reach the end of week 4, it is looking a little ratty.

 

 

Obviously hair needs to be a priority.  I have been trying to think of a new style.  Ladybug is pretty sure she wants the same style.  Either way it is a long process.  I have to untwist all those, moisturize, wash, moisturize, comb, moisturize, and style.

Good thing it is spring break.

Mean Mama