raised by an atheist

I have been mulling this post over for a while. I fear that it could be offensive to some. Please understand it is not intended to be offensive. It is just a reality.

I was born into a Presbyterian home. I have no idea what that means. I was removed from that home when I was 5 years old. I don't ever remember going to church. I don't remember a religious upbringing. I spent 1 year in a foster home where the parents were Baptist. They had me baptized while I was with them. They got in trouble for that. My understanding is that they believed they were saving my soul. But you are not allowed to change the religion of a foster child.

Eventually I was placed in my adoptive family. The religious aspects of my life did not get easier.

My Maternal Grandmother was raised Catholic but converted to the Episcopal church as an adult when she married my grandfather. My mother was raised Episcopal. Not really religious but they were church goers. And believers. During my childhood my Grandmother insisted on 2 religious things. We had to go to Christmas Eve service and we must celebrate Jesus' birthday after the service with a birthday cake. I went to the Christmas Eve service and tried to stay awake. But that birthday cake was a different issue. It is a raisin, date, carrot type thing with a heavy cream cheese type icing. I hated it. But I ate it every year -- until recently.

My Paternal side of the family is Jewish. My cousins all had Bar Mitzvahs. They attended the temple on a regular basis. The weddings are traditional Jewish weddings and my Grandmother's funeral was performed by a Rabbi. They lived in a community that was largely Jewish and all of their friends were Jewish.

When my parents married -- which was short lived -- they decided that the kids would be raised Jewish. We started attending temple soon after we moved in with them. But I wasn't buying it. And I was 7. And I was a trouble maker (any idea where Ladybug gets it from?). After about 1 year my parent's marriage was in serious trouble and I started refusing to go to Temple. We celebrated Passover and Easter. We celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah. We lit the Sabbath candles every Friday night and I learned the prayer in Hebrew.

But I wasn't buying it. Any of it. All of my family is a believer. In something. I wasn't. I tried. I struggled to believe. But I didn't. I just didn't. Sometime in my teen years I started to identify myself as an agnostic. My parents did not push religions. And they did not really teach religion either. But I am not sure it would have made a difference. There are several times in my life that I wanted to believe but ultimately I did not. Eventually I began to identify myself as an atheist. Many friends have told me they know I believe even if I don't know it.

When I decided to adopt I did worry if this would become an issue. Briefly. But what I did notice as I entered the world of adoptive parents is how many of them are religious. I had never been surrounded by so many people where religion was such a focus in their lives. Even in reading blogs so many of them focus on God and Jesus and their belief. The religion varies but so many of them talk about religion on a regular basis.

When I received Ladybug's referral her religion was listed as Orthodox Christian. This is a common religion in Ethiopia. I worried. Really. She was not going to get a religious upbringing with me. I was not going to start doing nightly prayers or going to church. I had no intention of raising her to be an atheist but how can an atheist teach religion?

About a year ago my mom started attending a church on a regular basis. She asked if she could take Ladybug with her. Sure. I was fine with that. I got Sunday mornings to myself and Ladybug liked it. She liked Sunday school. She liked church. She came home raving about what she learned. I listened. I encouraged. It was hard. Because I don't believe. But it became obvious that she was enjoying it. But when my moved away. So did church. I can not go. I just can't. When we move closer to my mom again she can go with her again. I have no investment in raising her to be an atheist.

This year I enrolled Ladybug in the YMCA after school program. I know there is a religious aspect to the program. But I also know it is a good program. And it was in my budget. She has earned her first bandanna -- purple, which is faith in God. That is the first thing she has learned?

About a month ago I was putting her to bed. I crawled in bed with her to read a book. I looked over at her. She had her eyes closed and and was mumbling to herself. I asked her what she was doing. "Praying." That's what I thought.

A few weeks ago I was talking to Ladybug. She told me about her dream the night before so I told her about mine. Unfortunately mine had been a dream where someone had taken Ladybug away from me. When I told her she just looked at me and said...

Ladybug: God would never let that happen.
Me: Really?
Ladybug: No.
Me: How do you know? Do you talk to him?
Ladybug: Of course. And God told me you were meant to be my mama.
Me: God talks to you?
Ladybug: Of course.

So I may not be a believer but she certainly is. I guess it is possible to be raised by an atheist and still believe.

Mean Mama